Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Mumfun - my biggest problem is that I have nobody to turn to. Parents both dead and only sibling lives 100 miles away and is a chronic alcoholic leading a very dysfunctional life. I have an elderly aunt in the far north of Scotland and cousins I haven't seen for 30 odd years. My older dd and ds will help out on a practical level but I don't want them to see how low I really am as I'm their mum. I will feel even more of a failure if they have to look after me. Anyway, ds is now living on the south coast trying to rebuild his own life after the terrible assault he had a year ago.

I do have RL friends and there are 3 or 4 I could tun to locally but one has 5 dc's, one has 4 dc's, one has ME and the other is still trying to come to terms with her DH's suicide. There is a limit with RL friends because everyone has there own lives to lead.

Really, what I miss and what i am so frightened of is trying to cope on my own. In reality I have been coping on my own for several years and I just didn't know it. I need to accept that I'm already doing it rather than I need to try to do it.

I went to the GP today and he is going to speed the counselling up as an urgent referral. He has given me a sick note for a month but that makes me worry that I might loe my job. On the other hand, I keep bursting into tears and can't concentrate so I'm not in a fit state to do my job.

If I were advising myself I would say, bunker down and do the minimum you need to get by until you feel strong again but instead I just feel guilty and hopeless for letting everyone down.

Thinking of Chairmum. She posted this a while ago but here [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a28s_wyqkyc&list=FL9bMhmyKblhQ&playnext=6
here it is again for all you lovely ladies ]]

Guilt and hopelessness and other feelings are often linked to depression and I felt the same too. Glad the counseling is being speeded up. maybe you could try a divorce workshop like WQ did, might help you meet some more people locally?

Sov - sounds like things have been tough, so glad you have a dongle. I think it was on the old thread that we all posted about your situation more, so read that bit if anything x

Morning everyone.

Great post Starting and well done on the cigs I will be joining you but not sure when

Kate so what if you phoned him because you were struggling as Tea said its what is going to help you that matters not some image that you need to maintain with him. Tricky about the house , I think it comes down to will he be reliable with maintenance or are you better to sell up hence guaranteeing your money. These decisions are so horrible arent they.

Sov you sound in a much better place now good to see you back

LC how are you now I think Startings words are spot on but you know you can handle it.

Mumfun love the idea of a pressie for myself

Tea I remember all the little pre school shows and parties its pure magic isnt it

Well a big welcome to all new dumplings , wherever possible its nice to get some background on whats happened to you. I think also I would emphasise that its ok to rant,rave and be sad or angry on here as well as sharing the high points (believe it or not there will be some)

I am ok have just sat and done my cards and actually didnt feel a thing at only signing 3 not 4 names on them. Its nice to get them done and off my to do list.

DD had her guitar exam this morning and on the way home she was texting and I asked who to. She had told xh she had her exam and was telling him how she got on. I did feel a pang of sadness that that would've been something we would all have talked about together and now I have nobody to tell and she is telling him via text. However on the plus side her last exam during the summer I texted him to ask him to ring and wish her luck whereas now I am sufficiently detached from him it didnt occur to me.

XH has completely gone to ground atm and I have a feeling that he is suffering with the house being sold. Not for sentimental reasons but status reasons. Was talking to Mum and she said maybe its all feeling more real for him now. Also the tiniest percent of me imaginable feels sorry for him because he really isnt involved in anything to do with the dc and xmas ie advent calendars, school stuff the excitement leading up to it etc. As it was this time last year he was craving ow and now has her I wonder if he feels its all worth it .

I have realised that every year will be like this for him even those where he has them for Xmas because it isnt just about the actual 3 days is it its more than that. Oh well his loss, his choice not mine.

Has everyone else got their dc arrangements in hand ? I am going to a dear friend on Christmas Day at lunchtime for a couple of days with the dc and he will have 2 hours with them in the morning. He was a bit offish because I had assumed I would have them the first year (after what he put me through last xmas its incredible he would have thought anything else)but accepted it.

Anyway off to computers hope everyone is having an ok day.

Waves to everyone and wonders where WQ has got to ?

X post LC I am glad you will be someone sooner rather than later. Is it likely you would lose your job particularly given your profession ? I think its more likely thats how your mind is working atm and you should just concentrate on getting well again.

I know its not the same but you have got your dumpling family to talk to anytime (((hugs))

X post LC I am glad you will be someone sooner rather than later. Is it likely you would lose your job particularly given your profession ? I think its more likely thats how your mind is working atm and you should just concentrate on getting well again.

I know its not the same but you have got your dumpling family to talk to anytime (((hugs))

Hello Ladies,
Late nihgt phone call to ex didn't make me feel better really, just me sobbing about what I've lost.

I'm sure it's just the time of year, Xmas and our 14th anniversery on New Years Eve.

For the first time since the split I woke up this morning and felt awful - overwhelmed by tiredness and so sad. Littlest dd is still not 100% so kept her off school - that meant I didn't go into work. I know that this was more for me than her.

This is the lowest I have ever felt, I have had to ask him to come and get the girls for a couple of hours to give me a break. Can't keep crying in front of them. I'm planning on reading a book and having a bath till they come back. I think talking about the house has made me realise the finality of it all.

He did say 'sorry' last night and that I was a good person but I just feel numb.

Hate feeling this, but also know that I have to reach these depths to be able to stand up and start to recover.

I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Hi everyone ,i agree re xmas present ,make sure you have something really indulgent under the tree !
Getting i agree re xmas my X hasnt got in touch ,he isnt coming to the nativity tomorrow and xmas will be just another "victim" day to him ,oh woe is me give me attention tis Christmas day.lot of bollocks ,he could have saved his money and had a great Christmas.
Someone gave me a compliment the other day about how great my flat was and how amazing i am the way that i coped and i just said "I
know "
Sov this is excactly the same story as mine ,i kept yo yoing back and forth for exactly the same reasons but i think each time they do something stupid/hurtful when you are separated you just shut the door have a sob and thank your lucky stars you dont have to live with them anymore.
When he left last year i remember praying that this time i would be strong enough to stay away ,him dumping me obviously helped that situation ie no flowers ,nites out etc ,but now he just creeps me out .I feel sad kids miss their dad but better to come from a broken home than to live in one.
Kate i remember days when i saw things so clearly and felt so strong it was amazing that the next day i was floored and wailing like a grief stricken soul[usually if i had had any contact with my X at all.]I wanted to shake him and say wtf are you doin ?But its like they are addicted to the excitement of their new lives.Now i am like good luck to you,you twat.He has wrecked 3 peoples lives ,but we are rebuilding them in a positive way,we will def get the last laugh here .We will be happy and productive and he will still be a doom filled bastard ,in denial of his actions.
I have told him to buy car seats now,i dont want him in my house ,this has been a full year he has had this new life so i dont think its alot to ask .Dont want him in my home or my car spreading bad energies
Hugs to everyone ,enjoy the good days and fight the DOOM on the bad days ,get out the house ,go for a walk with Wallace LC,eat good food if you can.LC YOU HAVE NOT LET ANYONE DOWN.Keep posting LC dont worry about pressies or xmas ,great news on the counselling ,great news that you will work thru these feelings ,then you will find inner peace and that is the gift you will give yourself in 2011,big hugs ,come to Scotland in Jan if you can ,bring Wallace my dog would love it ,we will have a blast x

Ah Patience glad you are on exuberant form , agree you shouldnt have him in your new flat and in you car ? No way! I am happy to say I havent allowed xh to wreck our lives but then I dont think you have either Patience isnt that more what he was doing when he was living with you ?

God I would love to come up to Scotland -dumpling hiking ? Not sure in reality if I could because of dc , maybe.. Seems a shame to have a north south dumpling divide

Kate you are right you have to reach the bottom in order to begin the journey out. Really sorry but I have forgotten when all this began for you exactly but I do know it was recent so just go with it. What a relief to know he is sorry, men.

Starting - great post early this morning I have copied it and will be re reading it often.

LC - How are you doing?

GooGoo - you are very quiet the last few days I hope you are ok.

I have had yet another sad day, I wonder when this cloud will lift, I know I have hit the bottom and am on the way up but how long does this stage last, the overwhelming sadness? I really hope that one day I will be as upbeat as some of the older (not age) dumplings!

I didn't feel upbeat until I went on anti depressants actually I felt in a very dark place at times and couldn't snap out of it, so in the end I saw the GP and spoke to them.

Kate - hope the bath and time off helped ((hugs)) lovely.

Hello
thanks everyone for your advice and understanding. It is early days and I was probably kidding myself that I could get over it quickly.

I think that this wobble was based on my body actually accepting the shock of the situation, I have been filled with an overwhelming tiredness...not just tired because of life and the dc, but tired to my bones - I didn't want to get out of bed and start the day this morning.

I think I have been running on adrenaline - moving out, adjusting to having no car and walking everywhere and doing the majority of stuff with the girls (while keeping up a smiley face)

I have a day mostly half asleep(thankful that littlest one was happy watching tv)and still feel exhausted and a bit weepy and I I cried in front of my mum for the first time in 27 years - letting her know I'm not finding it a breeze was quite a relief.

I have made a couple of tiny plans to help me take a step forward.

Asking him to have the girls for an hour or 2 - just so I could have some quiet. I decided he can step up when he's needed - I'm not bloody Superwoman.

I walked to the Co op and bought some Christmassy bits like tins of chocs.

I got some picture hooks and I'm going to hang some pictures when the girls are in bed....and sort out the wire that's hanging from the TV - that has been driving me mad!

I'm not going to make a decision on the house immediatly and when I do, it will be the right decision for me and my girls not for him.

When I've done my DIY - I'm going to make some Xmas decs sat in front of the TV.

I have wiped the blackboard of school plays and parties - and will be adding when I'm going out! Biggest dd is back from uni tomorrow...so I have babysitter :)

Tomorrow - I'm going to go into work, head held high, looking great and then the girls are going to come to work for a children's event we have on. And it will be lovely.

Here's to tomorrow!

Quote of the day for me with my cheating H if he ever settles down with her:

"when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

good 4u kate x

Hello everyone, I'm so glad people are interested in a meet up in Scotland in January. What fun!
Getting Feeling a wee bit sorry for your x and what he will miss with your dc, is what makes you human and good. Without compassion we are nothing, I suppose its just making sure compassion doesn't tip you into suckerdom. I feel v sorry for my x and must remind myself regularly of how cold hearted he can be, and of some of the ways in which he has hurt me. Mostly I only have to think of the times when he showed indifference to our kid's well being and safety, to steel myself up against him again.
That fecking 'Winter's tale' song is following me round the shops catching me out. Just when I was feeling like an oak tree and all!

Sov I'm so glad you've bounced back and feel better.
Kate It will get easier. Crying in front of your kids is inevitable and I wouldn't be concerned. In the early days for me I cried and howled and went to bits. Usually in another room but my eyes were a mess. My nearly 3 yr old used to come over and turn me round and say 'mummy happy?' with a really hopeful face. I felt awful. Give yourself time you will be so much stronger when you have survived all this.
Rom I'd love an answer to how long the sadness lasts too. So far for me it comes and goes. Sometimes worse than others but the awful heartache does eventually dull. Your adrenalin probably runs out! Hang in there it will pass, all things do, life is indeed too short.
Tea and Patience Appreciated your slant on mil. The way I see it now is, I told her about the split, (she knew about the dope when we first split 7 yrs ago and knows it is still a problem) she is his mum, she fought his corner - probably inevitable, so from now on I won't discuss x with her at all as I suppose it isn't her business anyway. She is a good person overall and v good with the boys so henceforth I will deal with her on that level. I need to look out for my sons, x is an adult. My 8yr old still has tears at bedtime and outbursts because of him. So upwards and onwards, I will try and let go of misplaced guilt. A great idea about the Christmas pressie. The only trouble is I have spent more money on me since October when I rumbled him than I have in years! So my pressie to me will be a wee trinket indeed!
I need to go and bath as my baby son was sick all over me earlier and i still get that whiff off myself. He's ok now but it was really splatty and hard to clean. I hope they all sleep tonight as I'm organising a hohoho Christmas party at school tomorrow and I need to be in the mood! So goodnight everyone, a new day dawns tomorrow. The sky was blue with big dollops of rose wine over our ave this afternoon it was something else.

Hellooooo! So much to cathc up on! I've read all the thread I've missed but have to keep scrolling back to remember who said what!
Patience Glasgow it is then for the revolution of 3 and any of the southern belles who can join us! I'm up for any sort of energy reading, although I have no idea what that is! I'm also planning to do lots of things this year, instead of driving 75 miles to see exbf. Going to go to Brighton to see my mate and Cambridge to see another one. Also hoping to join the local camera club and this Friday I'm going out in my home town with people from work. Been invited out new year too. Going to take every opp I can and start enjoying living here, not thinking about a faraway place. Not looking forward to this weekend without kids but have planned a list of jobs to do to keep me busy..
Happy I'm glad the funeral went well. Take care of yourself over Christmas and be kind to yourself
LC I felt exactly the same when exh left and went to docs, cried buckets. Then had a month off on the sick. This was the best thing I could have done. It gave me time to cry when kids weren't there, go to sol's, sort out paperwork (with big breaks in between for crying!) and generally slow down. I have the worst boss in the world (seriously I could write a book) and I wasn't sacked. Just do it. When I went back to work I was SO much better and ready to tackle normal life again.
Maybee you are brave having MIL there. I agree - have a set phrase to use when she starts making you feel guilty. As my exh said (amazingly) everyone has shit in their lives, this doesn't mean you can treat people like shit. And what is it with all these dope smoking exes? My exbf just the same. Only got off his arse to deal dope so he could get his for free. Couldn't get a job though...
Kate you are doing so well and you are already a top dumpling. You are also a very kind, big hearted woman who took her marriage seriously and it is fine to have a wobble and phone him as it is all part of the moving on thing.
Romney hello my love. I know you're in a shit place right now but I'm glad you're still on here - this will help and you can see that other people have managed to come through what you are going through now. Remember you are an honorary geordie (although you probably wear a coat in the snow haha!)
Sov you are a top dumpling as usual for getting over the situation last week - an inspiration to everyone.
Hi to Tea, Getting, Mumfun and Starting - wise ladies all and hello to newbies.
Well extwat texted today, saying "Just a friendly hello on a dreary day. I have given *** your number as she was asking after you. Hope you ok x". I haven't dignified this with a response. I'm not going to be the bard's friend - he can shag his guitar, seen as he hasn't had a companion in five years. Or some poor fool from the dating site he's back on. OR this woman on fb who has just arrived all over the place, "liking " his songs (including our break up "you're sweet enough" one). She's older than me, very "no make up" beautiful, lovely ashen hair, big eyes, plays the fecking northumbrian pipes. Makes me feel like a chav. Probably as up her own arse as the bard is. And my girlfriends from his village have invited me to a lunch out next Monday but I've made an excuse and said I couldn't go. I've been so enraged with his dating site reappearance I think I would blurt it out in a fit of bile and I don't want to a: because it would make me look slightly unhinged and a bitch b: because it's over now so does it really matter? C: because how he treats women is of no interest to them and d: because I am DETACHING DETACHING DETACHING!!!!!!!
Phew. This thread is bloody good :)

Camera Clubs sounds ace Really liking your positive post. True detaching would be removing him from your friends on fb though

Talking about cannabis users this poor woman has just discovered an affair too

LOL I know!
But seeing the northumbrian piper makes me so angry it actually helps! LOL

Oh Tea I read that one too. And it's so horrible to hear the same lies from different men. I feel lucky that my exh didn't cheat (although he was with 21 or was it 19 year old 4 months later and I knew she liked him when we were married).
Just re-read that thread and realised why I like this one so much. There are some quite aggressive posters out there who seem hell bent on starting an argument, when all the ppor woman needs is some sympathy and a chance to go round in circles for a bit! Makes me a bit angry for her actually. Glad we are all nice on 'ere :)

I've been PM' ing her since a few days as I was worried she wouldn't come back to the thread since her first post. Usually I find Relationships topic area ok her thread got badly derailed though at one point bless her. I've told her to come and join our merry band

ok took back my indoor aerial[2 snowy] ,shall use refund for my xmas present.Ordered sky and broadband and landline for next week although broadband isnt for a while til they switch my phoneline on so no tunes yet .
Building a 3D dinosaur from xmas party at the weekend and drinking hot choc.
Liking the thought of a northern meet up in Jan.
Well done on detatching GGM ,your right it is all about practise.
I just remember telling my counsellor all the really painful things my X had done and he looked across the room at me and said "And you want to be with this guy ,why?" It really hits home how low our self esteem can get when we are willing to accept this behaviour.I guess without even realising it part of rebuilding my strength is not allowing myself to be in that situation anymore and to think "Well done Patience "for moving on ,even if i would rather be with him ,an honest version of him ,that wasnt a liar ,i know now that that is not my X.Mentally and physically he is a mess.If i want to meet an honest bloke with no addiction problems ,then i need to move on and go elsewhere.

I just think if anyone skinned up in front of me now i would call a taxi tbh .I just dont think drugs and dcs mix at all .I dont see how you can smoke dope everyday and take part in family life ,you cant ,ur stoned .
Coolness to me is people with inner peace that can get through life without drugs ,so this gorgeous guy today [martial arts ]ds was acting up and i was carrying 4 bags of messages ,so slowed me down a bit,but he was giving out such positivity i just wanted to tell him......and he also looked a really good shag !!!