Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW contacted H for Advice

66 replies

Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 00:13

Last night I discovered OW had contacted H for advice regarding whether she should take redundancy about three weeks ago.I had asked if he had any contact with her as I had one of those moments and was surprised he said yes and this contact was revealed.

Background: H had an affair from May 2008, I found out about the affair in April 2009 and after 6 weeks of individual counselling had asked him to leave which he did and moved in with her. We had seperated for 6 months and just before Christmas last year he asked if we could try again (2 DC 5 & 6 at time). He promised no contact then we decided to move os and did so in Feb this year. After further relationship counselling we were building (I thought) a new relationship working on areas of discontent etc. He said he had no contact since he moved back in and this was the first time.

Supposedly she was offered a redundancy and wanted to discuss options with H because she had no one to talk through outside the company H and her had worked for.

I am angry and hurt that he has not been open and honest and the post affair feelings have returned. I don't feel I can trust him or depend upon him and I am unsure how to handle this latest revelation.

We had a loud arguement last night and he said I was being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 10/12/2010 00:23

Yanbu.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 10/12/2010 00:28

You are not being unreasonable at all.

If he wants to regain your trust then he needs to tell you about stuff like this as soon as it happens, not wait for you to ask.

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 00:29

hairyfairylights
Thank you, I am in tears wondering if our relationship is worth saving. Fortunately DC are at school and he has gone away on preplanned business tripthis morning until Tuesday which will give me some thinking time.

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 10/12/2010 00:29

yanbu.

this is a trust issue and he needs to be open for you to maintain your trust in him. this is a backwards step. I'm sorry this has happened.

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 00:31

He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be angry. I am upset about the length of time it took for him to tell me and only because I happened to ask otherwise I was never to know about contact.

OP posts:
NormaStanleyFletcher · 10/12/2010 00:34

Stupid excuse that you would be angry.

Are you less angry now

No

booyhohoho · 10/12/2010 00:36

nope. that excuse is redundant in a relationship with trust issues. his fear of your anger is second place to your need for honesty. if he doesn't get that then he isn't ready to work at this properly. he has to know what it means to be honest, truly honest, about everything, regardless of consequence. that is teh only way he can build up your trust.

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 00:41

Thank you for prompt replies has helped me...
Angry as well because our relationship seemed to be improving and now another festive season with bad feelingSad

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 10/12/2010 00:51

At least he told you straight away when asked - thats got to be a good sign.

blinks · 10/12/2010 00:57

i'd find it difficult to believe that this isn't a half truth, given that he's kept it to himself all this time.

also very questionable that her intentions were true, in my opinion.

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 01:09

blinks - I agree that I do think there was more than seeking financial advice. I told him I thought she was seeing how our relationship was going and whether she had another chance ie take the redundancy and move to same country...he disagrees and said she only wanted to talk about her future options.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 10/12/2010 01:18

There's lots of other people she could have gone to for advice. I hope he told her that - and to not contact him again.

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 01:26

Supposedly her friends are connected with company in question and her family wouldn't be much help - he doubted she would call agin but... I asked to see the email which was he said two lines and he had deleted then she called him and had conversation. I don't know what to believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 01:26

again

OP posts:
blinks · 10/12/2010 02:18

i don't think you can trust him.

esp as he's defending her about her true intentions.

ChippingIn · 10/12/2010 04:47

He admitted it when you asked him, that has to count for something? Surely if it was anything more he would have lied to you. He has probably been full of angst about whether to tell you she'd called or not... but as he spoke to her and has seemingy 'dispatched her' then maybe you just need to have a little bit of faith that he is where he wants to be - and that's with you x

I've been there done that, so know how shitty it is to be where you are at. The thing is, I think I killed our relationship by never learning to trust again - I think what my ex did was in the past, it was just me that wouldn't let it stay there :(

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 07:23

I don't believe he wants to be with me, I feel we are staying for the DC's sake as neither of us wanted share on 50% of their lives.
I worry that when it all gets too much he willl find another reason to behave badly.
I had stopped asking for 4 months about whether he/she had contacted and I was slowly gaining trust. It was the off chance I asked last night only to find out he had a long conversation with her and I still feel threatened even though we moved to a different hemisphere because I think he has left the door ajar to her (no proof just a feeling which hasn't steered me wrong so farSad.

OP posts:
spidookly · 10/12/2010 08:14

This is what should have happened when the silly bitch got in touch:

1"I'm sorry, I can't help you with this. Please don't contact me again for any reason."

2 "OW has e-mailed me on the pretext of needing advice, I asked her not to contact me again. Should she be in touch again I'll let you know."

But he did everything wrong - he took the call, which was a massive betrayal of your relationship, and he hid it, ditto.

Then when you were understandably upset that he'd been lying to you again and putting her ahead of you he calls you unreasonable.

It's a pity you've isolated yourself from other options. This would be a dealbreaker for me. After all you've done, you still can't trust him.

Bucharest · 10/12/2010 08:19

This isn't going to be the first and only time they've had contact either,I imagine.

IMO you are never going to be able to trust him.Is it really worth it?

booyhohoho · 10/12/2010 09:43

I'm going to shock you all (not) by disagreeing with chippingin!! Grin

i think he only told you because you brought it up and it would mean actively lying if he had said no. many liars justify themselves if they can get away without lying. i.e; lying by omission. in his head he hasn't acyually lied, he just hasn't told you!!

i think he only told you as much as he needed to get away with. the fact taht he deleted the email shows that A) he never wanted you to find out and B) whatever was in that email was going to be damaging to him if discovered. i think there is more.

i highly doubt that this woman has no-one in her own RL or online life that isn't in her compnay for her to speak to about her career. and i doubt your DH believes that either. and regardless of whether she does or not, it isn't your DH's problem, he is in a marriage where he has caused a trust issue, again, your need for total honesty and no contact should come above anything that woman needs from him. he put her feelings above yours in order to 'help' her.

ChippingIn · 10/12/2010 09:57

Booyhohoho Grin

Movingon2010 - your choice of name is interesting. You say (now) that you feel we are staying for the children - you know how you feel - are you staying 'because of the children' (not for the children, but because you don't only want 50% of their time)?

Moving to another hemisphere to 'escape' an affair is an odd move - I hope you had other reasons for doing that? Other than this worry how have you both settled there - would you stay there if it all went bottom up? What support have you there?

ginnny · 10/12/2010 11:50

The thing is with moving away, that your problems tend to follow you.
I think it sounds dodgy to me tbh. If you have had a relationship/affair with someone for more than a year which ended when he went back to his wife, would you really phone him up a year later just for career advice? No, she was testing out the water, and he was flattered and so it starts up again Sad
You are not the unreasonable one - he is. He should be jumping through hoops now for you but he isn't.
What a shitbag!

Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 13:08

Thank you for your input it has helped.
I had decided to move whilst we were seperated as I have family and great friends here also financially I wouldn't be dependent on him as income base is here. He came to start a new business and opportunity and lifestyle were available. (originally from here sorry may have confused with wording) He resigned before contract was completed.

I agree with booyhohoho that he was being dishonest and lying by omission which I accused him of - his response was he was a very honest person.Hmm

ChippingIn both of us want maximum possible time with DC outside of school hours while they are still willing to hang out with us.I also really don't want DC to have a stepmum. I made it clear when we decided to try fresh there would be no second chance. That is why I am confused is this giving him the second chance?

Ginny I thought that too and wished I had said it as clearly as you to him about the 'testing of waters' theory.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingon2010 · 10/12/2010 13:10

Yes think I may have to consider a namechange as it really doesn't seem that appropriate anymore.

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 10/12/2010 13:12

is it only the children that is keeping you with him? if you were to split would he return to teh UK?

Swipe left for the next trending thread