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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH has lied to me

135 replies

Baileysandice · 03/12/2010 00:08

My DH has blatantly lied to me about his Christmas bonus, saying its only £50, well its much more than that its nearer £400. He doesn't know I know this. I gave him the chance to confess to me, I looked him straight in the eye and asked him "so you medan to tell me that your Xmas bonus is just £50?" and he replied yes. Anyway it also transpires he wishes to buy the new iphone4. Hmmn.............. go figure. The reason I know is that I read paper memo regarding amount of bonus, although I only looked at memo coz I thought it was gonna say bout Xmas work party etc.

So what do I do? Do I admit I know? What if he spends money on himself? Do I say nothing?

WWYD??

OP posts:
JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 03/12/2010 16:33

No less helpful all the posts talking about how they share every single penny though, AF.

The money isn't the point though, is it. It's the lying.

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 16:37

Isn't that the whole point JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube - there is no lying.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 16:39

Jenai

"it's the lying"

yes, precisely

which is where this thread started, and where it should have stayed on-topic, frankly

diddl · 03/12/2010 16:47

Unfortunately, things can get off-topic.

Am I the only one who has ever veered?

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 16:53

Truck, maybe it will be his running away fund when he faces the wrath of OP.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 16:54

I know diddl. I know that threads veer OT all the time

I apologise to all for my little outburst there.

I just had a little pang of feeling for the OP. She hasn't come back, which is telling. I personally don't think it helpful when the original premise of the OP gets muddied by others chiming in with stuff that isn't actually relevant. I am sure I am not the only one who thinks that is a bit mean to the OP, whose life we are picking apart here, after all.

Let's at least give her the respect to keep it about what she is actually posting about.

diddl · 03/12/2010 16:58

I think that´s the thing though, the OP hasn´t come back so it turns into a bit of a chat iyswim.

And now that sounds as if I´m having a dig at the OP, which isn´t intended.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 03/12/2010 17:02

I can't believe that some people on here really think it is never OK to lie/not disclose/fail to tell the truth. So much depends on intent and until the OP knows the intention it is very difficult for anyone to comment on her situation.

If OP has gone and confronted DH and he has looked sad, wandered upstairs and pulled out a bag containing new handbag/perfume/dress that he had planned to suprise her with, does anyone really think the lie is still totally unacceptable?

But of course in order to discover the truth she needs to go and ask him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 17:02

It happens a lot, yes (the chat thing). It doesn't sound like you are having a dig, btw

OP, come back and tell where you are at !

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 17:05

nancy, yes

obvious innit ?

OP seemed reluctant to do that though, for some reason, and certainly at the beginning of the thread, posters were making suggestions about how she could be equally sneaky to "trip him up"

just fecking tell him you know, and ask him what he is playing at

diddl · 03/12/2010 17:06

OP, we need you to come back & keep us in order!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 17:08

yes, we are getting unruly (well, I might be...just a tad) so come back and give us a telling off

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2010 17:09

"When my DP works his sexy little backside off to close deals in the last week of the quarter, his bonus is his reward. Spending it on something frivolous, rather than putting it towards our debts,"

That is ridiculous and let's hope he never loses his job.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 03/12/2010 17:13

AF yes indeed.

I want to give OP's DH benefit of doubt but have to confess to being entirely confounded by the concept of not just asking

There would be no such nonsense in the Drew household (and I suspect not in the fucker household either)

OP hope you're ok?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 17:17

TCF, ridiculously crass post that, wasn't it

I managed to ignore it, fuck-knows how

nancy, she did ask and he lied to her face

what I fail to understand is

  1. why she was going along with the duplicity (by not telling him she knew exactly how much the bonus was)

  2. she didn't immediately call him on it and ask him to explain why he lied

  3. why she is even hesitating in going back to him and applying the verbal equivalent of a frying pan to the head

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 17:19

So it is ok to lie and not be asked?

Pancakeflipper · 03/12/2010 17:24

I'd be fuming about the lies.
But don't play games with him. Tell him you know it is £400 and you are not impressed with his lies.

I get a bonus ( If I am good) and I always tell OH what it is. He tells me to keep it. I buy each member of family a treat, we have a fun family day out on it and I keep the rest in my savings. But when it was required for a financial emergency it was used straight away. Your OH needs reminding you are team. He's acting like a sneaky little boy.

Truckulent · 03/12/2010 17:26

Did I get told off then? Crass? Well I never.Not been told off for years.

I always hope people are being nice, not been on MN long enough yet I think. So I hope there's a happy ending.

But my view just flipping ask him.
And people should always be open about finances.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 03/12/2010 17:33

Yes I realised she asked him to confirm the bonus and he "lied" but I don't think that is necessarily a problem.

If I bumped into my Dsis in town and she asked me what was in my designer carrier bag I might "lie to her face" and say a top, when it was in fact her birthday present.

If I was organising a dinner in DH's favourite restaurant for a special celebration and he asked who I was speaking to on the phone I might "lie to his face" and say, just my Dad.

Since she is concerned about this she needs to walk up to him say "X I know you got a £400 bonus, why didn't you tell me".

No drama. Not confrontation. No accusations. Because his behaviour is not necessarily bad. If he then lies well then he deserves everything he gets.

AllOverIt · 03/12/2010 17:35

Come back OP, let us know what's happening?

spidookly · 03/12/2010 18:19

Lying to someone about the existence of money to which they are entitled to a share = stealing

husband stealing from wife = deal breaker

spending £350 on a present for your wife when you are in debt != generous

spending £350 on a present for your wife when you are in debt = stupid

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 03/12/2010 18:21

Spidookly I agree not the most sensible thing to do but not a deal breaker when his heart is in the right place. Surely?

It also of course depends on the nature and amount of the debt. I don't suppose for a moment their are many MN'rs who aren't shelling out a small fortune this Christmas despite a mortgage.

spidookly · 03/12/2010 18:22

"If OP has gone and confronted DH and he has looked sad, wandered upstairs and pulled out a bag containing new handbag/perfume/dress that he had planned to suprise her with, does anyone really think the lie is still totally unacceptable?"

Yup.

Making yourself feel like the big generous guy while your families finances go down the toilet is what a weak, vainglorious, spendthrift does.

spidookly · 03/12/2010 18:25

We're not shelling out a small fortune on Christmas because we can't afford it.

I did 80% of our Christmas shopping last weekend, then DH looked around and got some better bargains.

Total cost = £115

Will probably come to £200 all in, including wrapping paper, new sellotape etc.

People who spend beyond their means are fools.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 03/12/2010 18:28

So anyone who has a mortgage shouldn't spend anything on "extras" until it is paid off?

I personally think that is a ridiculous view.