My DH has lied to me

[Baileysandice]

My DH has blatantly lied to me about his Christmas bonus, saying its only £50, well its much more than that its nearer £400. He doesn't know I know this. I gave him the chance to confess to me, I looked him straight in the eye and asked him "so you medan to tell me that your Xmas bonus is just £50?" and he replied yes. Anyway it also transpires he wishes to buy the new iphone4. Hmmn.............. go figure. The reason I know is that I read paper memo regarding amount of bonus, although I only looked at memo coz I thought it was gonna say bout Xmas work party etc.

So what do I do? Do I admit I know? What if he spends money on himself? Do I say nothing?

WWYD??

Oh yes, hadn´t thought about that.

I wouldn't expect DH to spend that kind of money, but it would be my first thought in the OP's situation just because he is a very generous type.

Oh yes, mine´s generous too, & his first thought would be treating the children & I.

He wouldn´t spend that much on himself either tbh.

Although I have to say that in this situation his first thought would be reducing a debt.

I wonder if that's it OP? Might your DH be spending the extra money on paying off debt?

if he was reducing the debt...why would he tell a blatant lie about it ?

True. Just thought that diddl might be on to something. I'd rather believe anything tbh than that a married father would be sneaky in this way about money.

I know, it's horrible, isn't it

Hope OP is ok

I don't see the logic of lying about his bonus so he can buy the iphone but then saying he is buying the iphone on his c card - the credit would annoy me far more than spending the cash IYSWIM. Any chance he is winding you up about the phone and planning to surprise you with an ace Christmas present?

I'm stupefied by the number of "It's his money" replies. No, it's not - it's THEIR money. OP has the absolute right to know how much there is, and a say in where it's going. This couple have debts and only one income. £350 might be neither here nor there to some respondents (I vaguley remember those days!) but it's clearly very significant here.

Even without the question of scale, lying about money is as big a relationship issue as lying about what you did at the office party.

Well, I don´t earn money & tbh if my husband had a bonus, I wouldn´t begruge him spending it on himself if it wasn´t needed for anything else.

So you'd expect him to lie about it, diddl?

diddl, if you are a SAHM, does it not occur to you that it is because you are at home that he can go and earn what he does ?

it should be shared

and why would he lie if there is nothing to hide ?

I haven't read the whole thread but it really annoys me when people say 'it's his money' just because the guy is the one out working for it. If you have children together, everything is shared - almost always in the eyes of the law.

When I broke up with my ex-H, his friends came round to our house and told me that me and our children should leave the house because it was his house.

Never mind that I contributed by looking after our children while he worked and gave him half of some money I inherited, or that our children needed a home! When you have children together things change imo.

We have no it's mine/it's yours attitude to money in our marriage all money earned goes into the pot, and then the pot is used to apy all bills and after that we can buy ourselves what we want within what we can obviously afford.

I'd first presume he may be planning on surprising you with something, but I think you have to get this out in the open now, you can't hang around wondering why he's lying, even it means spoiling the surprise slightly.

Gah, I hate the idea of his money. It's like going back to the day when child benefit was all the woman got as pin money.

If he works an you are a SAHM, why should he have the final say on where all the money goes as it's his. It should be a joint decision.

No, of course I wouldn´t expect him to lie.

And yes he can work because I look after the children.

Equally, I can stay at home because he works.

Just saying, if he got some extra, it wouldn´t bother me if he treated himself.

Just to clarify, we have a joint account that all of his money goes into & I can spend what I like as long as there´s enough for the bills!

that sounds fine, diddl

but not really relevant to this thread

because your DH doesn't lie to you

nobody is saying OP should begrudge him getting something for himself out of his bonus...just the fact he is being so deceitful about it

it is disrespect of the highest order, IMO

My DH has been known to "not disclose" what his bonus has been.

He has then gone out and bought me a lovely gift or booked a family holiday. He doesn't tell me in advance as he knows how my mind works and understands that I will have every last penny spent in my head before he has even driven home from work .

In these circumstances I don't consider it dishonest, he is maintaining secrecy for the suprise. That is a nice thing to do.

However most of the time for us "bonus" money is just that. It doesn't need to be spent on anything else. That is why this is acceptable. Also note my use of the word "us". I SAH DH's money is family money and we have an equal entitlement to it.

OP talk to your DH today. No need for any beating about the bush just say you know and why didn't he tell you. If the answer is that he has bought you something special all can be forgiven, if he has bought himself an iphone you need a serious chat.

Think it depends a bit what your agreement regarding money is. Do you always tell each other everything about salary / income / spending? Are you sure he isn't going to pay off his / your debts with the bonus?

I know someone that had a few thousand put away that his wife did not know about because he was self-employed and wanted to put away money towards his tax liability. He thought that if she was aware of it she would spend it on non-essentials (second holiday abroad etc.)and I think she probably would have done. The tax liability was his, not joint, and if she had spent the money he would have potentially been the one in trouble.

I think I would say "look, I know your bonus is £x. If you feel you want to spend that on yourself instead of putting it in as family money, then fine. That's your choice. But I am so angry that you have lied to me as it shows a total lack of respect. Once someone has shown themselves to be a liar, how can you ever trust their word again?"

See in that respect Lady that's an unhealthy relationship, to have to kepe secrets as you can't trust your OH.

Af is right it wouldn't be the spending for me op it would be the lying.

Like I say DH recently came into quite a bit unexpectedly though work and he told me straight away, he could of gone and spent ££££ on all the gadgets he secretly wants but no, he told me we both thought wow!! Then deicded to save x amount, he wanted to give us all x amount extra for Christmas and he bought some of his gadgets.

It was his money but he, never, ever treated it like it or hid it.

I would be furious and confront him straight away. I am at home with the children at the moment and have full knowledge and access to our finances.

It's pretty duplicitous to see that it is more and not tell him, too.

So do all the people who are up in arms on this thread tell their DH / DP everything about their earnings / intended spending? For example, if you received an extra £50 tax rebate / tax credit/ voucher from John Lewis etc. would you tell your OH and view it as 'family money'? Just interested.

LL...yes, I would

I don't have to hide my spending

I would think it a problem if I did

I would still probably spend it on myself though