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Original poster

My DH has lied to me

135 replies

Baileysandice · 03/12/2010 00:08

My DH has blatantly lied to me about his Christmas bonus, saying its only £50, well its much more than that its nearer £400. He doesn't know I know this. I gave him the chance to confess to me, I looked him straight in the eye and asked him "so you medan to tell me that your Xmas bonus is just £50?" and he replied yes. Anyway it also transpires he wishes to buy the new iphone4. Hmmn.............. go figure. The reason I know is that I read paper memo regarding amount of bonus, although I only looked at memo coz I thought it was gonna say bout Xmas work party etc.

So what do I do? Do I admit I know? What if he spends money on himself? Do I say nothing?

WWYD??

OP posts:
SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 15:45

Perhaps I'm just lucky that there is nothing my Dh would want to spend money on. Seriously, he wants nothing, he is one of the least materialistic people I know, if he was given £300 to spend he wouldn't be able to think of anything to buy.

I make up for this, and he doesn't mind what I spend, or what on, as long as I only spend within our means.

Different couples have very different attitudes to money, but if you're lying it's very worrying imo.

Just ask him OP, I bet he's planning a surprise .

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:46

Not telling & hiding are two different things. My DH would not have the slightest interest in small amounts like this & neither would I.

If I were on the breadline and didn't earn it would be a different matter.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:46

yes Lady. Every penny is family money. All into the one pot, all out from the one pot.

It's ours.

In the same way as it's not my sofa and his telly, my bed and his fridge. Ours. All of it. From whatever source.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 15:46

and we are talking about a sum of hundreds of pounds here

and a family with debts

in what world is it ok for a man to (blatantly) lie to his family about how much he got

the only way it is OK is if he is planning a surprise (although would question his financial maturity even if that were the case...)

anything else is shitty

diddl · 03/12/2010 15:46

Of course OPs husband was wrong to lie.

Unless she has no access to the bank account that his wages go into, how did he think that she wouldn´t find out?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 15:47

"Not telling & hiding are two different things"

yes. and OPs husband is hiding. He's out and out lied in her face about it!

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:50

Hec, yes, I agree about OP.

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 15:55

I think not telling and hiding are both the same thing - it boils down to lying.

Yes DH knows what I spend and I know what he spends.

RandyRussian · 03/12/2010 15:56

Which of us has never lied to our OH?
Let she who is without sin etc.........

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 15:56

Sorry I meant lying, not hiding.

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 03/12/2010 15:57

I wouldn't lie to dp about the size of a bonus I received because I'd want him to know just how fucking amazing my employer thought I was.

wrt their debts - I think it depends on the size. If we're talking about £500 on a credit card with an OK interest rate then spending the bulk of a bonus on oneself would be perfectly reasonable imo.

diddl · 03/12/2010 15:58

Me-I´ve never lied to my husband.

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 15:59

I certainly may angle the conversation in my favour or start with 'it was a bargain' with regards to shopping, but I wouldn't lie about the basics.

tillywee · 03/12/2010 16:02

Well my dad has the cheaper brand of iphone which he told me was 400.00 and the other one he looked at which was a proper iphone was 600.00

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 16:04

this guy has done both those shitty things though

a double whammy, in fact

first, he hid how much he really got

then, he lied blatantly when offered the opportunity to come clean

emmyloulou · 03/12/2010 16:07

Lady, indeed in my scenario v. recently £300 is a small amount.

It's not the point though, if it was £30k, £3k or £300 we just tell each other about our cash and have financial transparecy. I wouldn't lie at all which is what I think is the issue here.

I am guessing unlike you to op this is not a "small" amount, not if they have debt and he needs to use a cc to buy a phone, it's sounds a positively huge amount.

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 16:08

Where is the trust when you can quite happily lie about simple things? Where does it stop?

LisasCat · 03/12/2010 16:12

My situation is completely different as we both work. He earns a bit more than me, so we adjust the bills slightly to even it out.

But I do think there's a big difference between salary and bonus money. When my DP works his sexy little backside off to close deals in the last week of the quarter, his bonus is his reward. Spending it on something frivolous, rather than putting it towards our debts, is his way of brightening up the gloom when he has to get up the next morning and go back in to work. Frequently he'll spend it on a treat for me, because he also gets a sense of joy from seeing my face when I open it. But I don't feel entitled to it. It's not 'our money'. Our salaries are 'our money' and if I were a SAHM I would consider his salary 'our money'. A bonus is different.

I'm probably going to get shouted at for saying this, but if we could afford for me to be a SAHM, my bonus would be getting to spend more time with DD. His bonus, for trudging into work every day would still be a monetary bonus.

emmyloulou · 03/12/2010 16:16

Nope disagree, to work is "sexy" Hmm little backside off to get that money, chances are family time has suffered so the workloads is passed on so to speak.

So the decision should be joint. Especially if you are loaded with debt.

SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 16:20

I think a bonus is part of your salary, just extra salary.

And if my dh was 'working his sexy backside' to get the bonus I'd presume he was doing it for the family not himself, the same reason he goes to work at all.

If he was doing to buy himself treats I'd rather he didn't bother and instead put thebextra effort into home life.

Truckulent · 03/12/2010 16:21

What about people who have an emergency just in case escape fund? Not if anyone is abusive or anything but just in case things go wrong.

SpotSplatterSplash · 03/12/2010 16:22

Even when I did work, all money was joint as were bonuses. I (as would DH) wouldn't have had it any other way.

Yes I love spending time with DC (DS is another story at the moment... maybe I should ask for a bonus for that?) but it was a joint decision.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 16:26

Lisascat, again, it works for you

but would he lie about it ???

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2010 16:29

Truck, again < sigh > a different scenario

Why do people insist on introducing entirely different themes into a thread ?

I don't understand it Xmas Confused

It's just not any help to the OP at all is it

Bloody crass, actually

"Well yes, that's all well and good, but we do this so (in effect) shut up..."

Xmas Hmm
overmydeadbody · 03/12/2010 16:31

I tihnk the only issue here is the fact that he lied to her about it.

It doesn't matter if it's his money, her money, their money, the dog's money, when she asked he should have said. If he wanted to spend it on a surprise then he could have said "I'm not telling, you'll have to wait till christmas, it's a surprise" or someting.

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