Please help me advice wise quickly

[pamelat]

Have few PND issues, DS 6 months but I believe I am right to be worried/sick about this.

Someone please help with advice as am shaking and feeling sick

On Sunday DH and DD went in to petrol station. DS (asleep) and I waited in the car. I was bored so flicked maps on on DH's Iphone. On a recent holiday I passed a car journey looking at maps of traffic jams, boring I know!!

Anyway the city centre came up and it had a pin in with a webaddress

Girlfriend experience

Its my bday tomorrow and I assumed this was a treat planned for me so switched off and never mentioned

Subconcious must have been working in over drive. That night had dream he had cheated on me, woke upset and told him. He ressured etc. anyway basically been unable to sleep since that dream and googled the website today, its an escort woman based in that same city

emailed and texted him to ask outright if used escort girl

our sex life been pretty rubbish post birth, evern 2 to 3 weeks etc

he calling but i cant speak

someone plesae explain how pins appear in iphone maps before i speak to him again??

PamelaFlitton... well said

She trusted him and her own mind enough to double check what the "flag" on the iphone actually meant..... I am sure she is making the right judgement calls.

That pin means he has located her for directions to where she is, I have an iphone. Sorry.

He is crying as he knows he has been busted and wants to turn it aorund on you.

He just looked her up did he? Yes ok, we all know what curiostity did to the cat.

I am not on here just because it is cold outside. I genuinely feel sorry for pamela.

Most people on here are just commenting from pamela's own admission of her dh's previous track record.It doesn't sound like it would be out of character behaviour for him.

Some people cannot see what is in front of them. Hopefully the OP'S dh is innocent, but I would not be too happy if my dp was just browsing escort sites.

I suggest that anyone who thinks this man is being given a hard time, reads some of the prostitution sites on the net. Men just like pamela's dp quite casually and easily lying. Having excuses all ready in case of discovery

I have read every post that Pamelat has put on this thread a few times now and then read the ones in between.

Please don't think I'm taking sides because I think that Pamelat's DH is innocent. I am just concerned that given she is experiencing problems with PND and is clearly very vunerable and worked up over the situation, inflammatory remarks which serve no purpose other than to send the poor girl into even more or a panic are just cruel. This is a real person, not a competition to come up with the best derogatory quip about the DH's behaviour.

I have had far too much experience of P's cheating hideously - I was with someone for 2 years who had a whole other single-parent famliy in tow. When I found out 18 months ago my world fell apart and I would never wish that on anyone - but just because it has happened to some of us doesn't mean that every suspicious bit of behaviour is infidelity...

The most telling and dreadful bit of all this was when she posted that they had a row, which ended in her slapping him, because she was on here chatting away about it all when she really should have been communicating with him and trying to work out the problem.

Asteria There is much sense in what you say.

The difficulty is to take on board the DH's previous 'form', the mitigating circumstances (the map tag, his bizarre response etc) and not immediately point the finger. There are a lot of women - like you - who have experience of the cycle of 1) his bad behaviour, 2) your doubt, 3) his reassurance, 4) his sulk/tears, 5) your guilt 6) both of your desperation, 7) it's all brushed under the carpet and back to square one, that it is almost impossible not to scream 'break the cycle'.

This 'incident' aside, he sounds like a man guilty of many things and the OP has chosen to forgiven him where many wouldn't. But his history is not what the OP is asking us to have an opinion on and I agree (as per my earlier post) that assumption and guesswork are not helpful to the OP and that she needs to address her concerns with her DH. She has asked for opinions and she now has them aplenty. From hereon in, there is nothing to be achieved until some kind of honest conversation takes place between OP and her DH.

Already our opinions are adding to the OP's confused state of mind and it is unfair that her DH should be accused, tried and convicted by a bunch of strangers.

Pamela. I have tried putting the website you quoted into my maps on the iPhone. Clicked search and got a pop up message saying could not be found.

If I put an actual postal address in (which wouldn't be an internet address), then I get a red pin. I.e. I put my home address in.

So presumably your h had the postal address of the escort. Is that actually on the website? Surely he'd have had to have been in contact with her?

Sorry - hadn't read the most recent update and other mm posts - but wanted to see whether could help with actual iPhone use. Iyswim.

pooka - exactly my point
But the lengths women would go to believe any nonsense not to have to alter their world view - unbelievable!

To be fair though, if you weren't au fait with the website/contact/maps/iphone thing, then you wouldn't necessarily disbelieve that a pin could appear.

But have just tried again with dh - he is an iphone nut and reckons it would only appear as a pin on the map if it was an actual address in contacts list.

But anyway - it all seems a bit by the by since there's obviously an actual relationship and real people involved and I feel rather unkind to be attempting to disprove the back story. :(

Pamelat

You must be feeling terribly shocked and confused by all of this.

I expect things are just whirling around in your head. You are probably desperate to believe your husband, whilst at the same time see the logic of what some posters here are saying.

The fact is that only your husband knows the truth for certain and without any substantial evidence to the contrary, I understand why you believe what he is telling you.

Without that evidence, and if in your judgement, you are happy in your marriage and in your family life, then I think you would be foolish to bring it an end solely on the basis of what you have discovered.

So if you think the marriage is worth saving, then difficult though it may be, I think that you should try to turn this awful, awful situation on its head and not see it as a death knell for your marriage but instead as an opportunity to get some clear boundaries in place and proof your marriage against this kind of thing happening again.

To my mind (and I know what I'm talking about here) what you should not do is nothing. However tempting it might be to try to get back to normal as quickly as possible, I think you have to find some way of making it absolutely clear that googling local escort sites is not compatible with what you want and need from a partner.

Only you know what you can and can't live with and it is for you to decide. Maybe looking at porn is OK. Maybe it isn't. That is for you and it doesn't matter what other people think.

But you need to stop this behaviour in its tracks because, if it starts with 'harmless' fantasies and internet searches, it will inexorably move on to phoning up and finding out the details, and then to making arrangements to meet.

Good luck. Take your time to digest things and decide what you really want.

good post alittlebitfragile

Hi all

He says he realises he crossed a line and that he can not account for his "curiousity" other than that it was "smutty"

Says he had no interest in contacting her per se, only "smutty temporary interest" in such a thing

Not great I know

Its horrid as he is devastated, I am devastated and there is no "solution".

we can't just beyond the "curious" about where she/they/whatever based

he cant explain it past curiousity

He was curious enough to find out her address, get the location on his iphone which would give directions.

It's up to you to do what you will, you know him, we don't I am just telling you what the red pin means he has done for a fact, (like I say I have an iphone) if you believe his explanation, only you can decide.

the worst thing for me is that he came out of the internet and in to map application to paste the address in to separate application, out of curiousity and cant explain that thought process to me.

seems funny thing to look at a map in the middle of a wank unless more than curiousity.

ALittleBitFragile, that was a good post. However, I do not understand why someone why post on here and ask for help if they are not going to actually do anything about their problem.

Maybe some people post just to sound off.

I think the OP already knows what she is going to do about this.

as Alittlebitfragile said - "if you think the marriage is worth saving, then difficult though it may be, I think that you should try to turn this awful, awful situation on its head and not see it as a death knell for your marriage but instead as an opportunity to get some clear boundaries in place and proof your marriage against this kind of thing happening again"

He has been a bloody idiot, but would you consider some sort of counseling? It might really help the two of you move on from this and work through the process of either rebuilding or separating in a constructive way.

counselling may help

I dont know what I will do to whoever said that I did. I vary, one minute I think this is ok, will get over it, love my family - the next its like I am in shock and I remind myself what he has actually (at best case scenario) clicked on and I shake and feel sick and i hate him

Its very volatile and quite scary

he is very cross that I have told 3 rl people too but they wont tell any of his friends or family, but he is understandably embarrassed, and I am embarassed for him.

In the middle of this, it is at least a good sign that he is embarrased. At the very least, he knows that buying sex from a prostitute is a shameful thing to do.

of course he is embarassed

he has a lot to be embarassed about

but you are wrong to feel embarassed for him...his actions, and their consequences, are his own

by saying you feel bad about his shitty behaviour, it implies you are somehow at fault

you are not at fault

I am glad you told people in RL

that advice was given to you very early on this thread

it makes it real not a sick dream, and he will not like that

I hope he has not tried to control who you tell...you need all the RL support you can get

Asteria your stance on this is admirable I think. But only where this is a first offence. This is not a first offence, by rather a large margin. Perhaps you should reflect on that, rather like Pamelat is doing.

Hello all, made a very big mistake today. Its almost unbelievable

I sent a text, intended for a very good rl friend who I have spoken about all of this to, to my new boss, who I havent met

I realised my mistake within mins and sent apology

Phone been off for several hours as having big talk today (all very calm) but boss has then tried to call x 4, several texts, and been so worried that tried to visit me (not in)

I now feel horrendous about this, poor bloke.

He is insisting on seeing me next week to check ok and has referred me to welfare dept at work, all further embarassment.

I have had it with phones ...

From a personal positive point, DH has offered to have counselling to understand whether there is more than curiousity, he remains adamant that not and says he knows he crossed a line as escort girls different o porn etc. I think I will go with this as I do love who I thought/think he is under all of that crap and 2 children to consider etc.

Pamelat - oh dear - feel your pain re sending the wrong text. I sent a very graphic text intended for my boyfriend's eyes only to my best friend's mother's landline so she got the full blow by blow account read out to her by that funny automated voice...

So pleased to hear that you are having a more positive day with DH - we can all spout disaster stories, but I know of couples that have returned from the brink of disaster and been all the stronger for it in the long run. Let's hope that this can be the case for the two of you, marriage isn't easy but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.