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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me advice wise quickly

149 replies

pamelat · 24/11/2010 13:21

Have few PND issues, DS 6 months but I believe I am right to be worried/sick about this.

Someone please help with advice as am shaking and feeling sick

On Sunday DH and DD went in to petrol station. DS (asleep) and I waited in the car. I was bored so flicked maps on on DH's Iphone. On a recent holiday I passed a car journey looking at maps of traffic jams, boring I know!!

Anyway the city centre came up and it had a pin in with a webaddress

Girlfriend experience

Its my bday tomorrow and I assumed this was a treat planned for me so switched off and never mentioned

Subconcious must have been working in over drive. That night had dream he had cheated on me, woke upset and told him. He ressured etc. anyway basically been unable to sleep since that dream and googled the website today, its an escort woman based in that same city Sad

emailed and texted him to ask outright if used escort girl

our sex life been pretty rubbish post birth, evern 2 to 3 weeks etc

he calling but i cant speak

someone plesae explain how pins appear in iphone maps before i speak to him again??

OP posts:
Original poster
pamelat · 25/11/2010 13:30

We having current open debate/row and shown this thread to him

He has given me his phone, when I type the web address up, for some reason the pin does come up.

He says I can do what I like to his phone but wont find anything, he says nothing to find

pin is red if that helps

this is my birthday Sad

OP posts:
horsesandchickens · 25/11/2010 13:33

well happy birthday ! I know it's crap, but your doing really well.

I think the pin would appear on his phone becasue he has found it before iyswim.

Original poster
pamelat · 25/11/2010 13:36

hes saying not true, its very difficult as I am not used to the Iphone and his definately just comes up with the pin, which doesnt look good

He says type up the web address www.girl-friend-experience.com and move map to nottingham and its there Sad

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 25/11/2010 13:36

Looks like your dh has given you a very thoughtful present.

I honestly dont see how he can be moralistic and have form when it comes to porn. Neither do I understand that a grown up man (with a fascination for porn) could think he could explain away the red pin saying he just checked because he was fascinated that escorts even existed....

I am so sorry, it does not look good.

I am also concerned that he seems to only think about him, ie "he is devastated about him losing his family" not what this does to YOU.

He will probably have been very careful to remove all incriminating evidence from his phone. He probably learnt to cover his tracks after he was caught texting inappropriately.

shadycharacter · 25/11/2010 13:38

I'm not convinced he has seen the escort.

But the thing is, he has physically typed in the web address of a lady who will have sex with him for cash and then had her address pin pointed on his phone, so for whatever reason (you'll never know, you can't sift through his thoughts) he wanted to know the address of a hooker.

Re the parking up at a dogging site, I would have thought with his apparent curiosity, he would know of dogging spots in the area, it only takes a quick internet search. Hmm

If these things appeal to him, there's nothing you can do about it...nothing you can do to stop him being curious or stop him being turned on by porn/hookers/dogging. I think it's important you bear that in mind because no matter how much you might want it to work, if you can't deal with that, with him being so interested in other women, it'll make your life more difficult than it needs to be and will not help the PND. So sorry you're having to put up with this :(

QuintessentialShadows · 25/11/2010 13:40

Oh, I just saw that he is reading this thread.

Well, in that case, after what I said, he will probably turn on the charm and show concerns for YOU in all this.

And to you MrPamelat: You are not a very good husband and father, are you? You are a husband, you have a wife and two young children, she has postnatal depression, and you indulge in your little escort fantasies? Shame on you. You should be concerned with the welfare of your family rather than lining the wallets of escorts.

Original poster
pamelat · 25/11/2010 13:41

shady thats the thing, the best scenario is ust that and I think I believe that but its still very hurtul

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 25/11/2010 13:41

Any moment now, SGB is going to come and tell us that not everybody is cut out for a monogamous relationship.

Original poster
pamelat · 25/11/2010 13:43

He says he didnt want to know where she lived, just which area this sort of thing happened Sad

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/11/2010 13:57

i went to nottingham on my maps on iphone and juast typed in escorts......loads come up!!

he could have a separate phone....cheap pay as you go.....obviously without the maps bit! its not unheard of with men like this

cash squirreled away so no bank statement to give him away?

Asteria · 25/11/2010 14:10

Pamelat seems to be getting a lot of very difficult information, given that she has said she has problems with PND (and extreme paranoia can be a big part of that) bombarding her with
He has shagged the whore - BURN him - run for your life - whatafuckin'bastard...
Is not really going to help her come to a level headed decision about the issue at hand.

I am by no means taking his side here - before the lynch mob starts sharpening the pitch-forks - but it is very easy to jump to conclusions when the evidence isn't looking too hot and the person giving it is clearly incredibly distressed.

My exP went to fly his remote control aeroplane in Windsor Park one summer evening and it took him over an hour of nerding it with his plane before he realised he was in the premier local dogging spot - he was MORTIFIED! He also had an entire other hard drive to store the porn on his PC. But he was a very kind and decent man and was never unfaithful to me - it just went against everything he was. But on that evidence he would be currently burning on an MN pyre alongside many other men.

Pamelat - your update after discussing the matter with your DH doens't sound all that unreasonable at all. Ok so he is looking at porn, not everyone's favourite passtime, but better that he cracks one off to a picture than goes out looking for it. Men are very visual and from what I have garnered over the years porn doesn't immediatly equate to infidelity. I have googled all manner of random things, we all do.

Given that you are under a lot of stress at the moment - you even mentioned that some of the posts made you worse - perhaps just stepping back from MN for a little while and allowing your nerves to steady a bit would be helpful. You can't make logical decisions when being whipped up into a fenzy.

I really hope that it all works out for you x

Asteria · 25/11/2010 14:12

just to be clear - it was a webaddress? doens't that mean it's not an actual address, just a general location?

Original poster
pamelat · 25/11/2010 14:16

things just went from bad to worse so am going to log off.

Dh got cross that I was on here so snatched/grabbed computer away quite nastily and in front of DD I slapped him Sad very ashamed of myself. Thats really not me

She doesnt seem too bothered by it but never want her to see anything like that again

He now crying too, so feels all a bit much

He says without us he would have no reason to live Sad am going to cool off a bit

OP posts:
shadycharacter · 25/11/2010 14:27

The slap had been brewing a while pamelat, you're only human and it's a big thing when someone you devote your life to breaches your trust. Please don't be too hard on yourself. How old is DD?

Perhaps you both need to take time away from each other?

carmenelectra · 25/11/2010 14:31

Pamelat,

I don't want to make you feel worse but just because he is saying that he has no reason to live without you does not mean he hasn't done anything(or will do anything).

Men that do use escorts are able to separate this life from the one with their wife quite easily. Yes, they mostly all say that they love their wives and they mean everything to them. They seperate this escort fantasy thing as just a type of weakness.

If it were me and i had discovered what you have then i would not be convinced by tears. I would want some hard evidence that he has not done anything. I am not sure how you could realistically get it though.

GypsyMoth · 25/11/2010 14:33

sounds like a cornered man to me!

Asteria · 25/11/2010 14:47

or perhaps - just a man who is frustrated to tears because his wife is clearly under a great deal of stress and is being worked into an even greater frenzy by people who post mindless comments to add fuel to the fire.

The vultures are circling over their relationship at the moment - I am appauled

carmenelectra · 25/11/2010 14:50

Asteria, I would agree if it were any other man , but look at his track record!

Who would't be suspicious.

GypsyMoth · 25/11/2010 14:52

have been there Asteria......he seems to have got progressivly worse. have you not read the previous then?

PamelaFlitton · 25/11/2010 14:55

Pamelat, I think you really need to stop posting on here. You are communicating with people who don't know you, don't know your husband. I'm not sure that everyone who posts on MN really thinks about the impact their comments will have. They are just on MN because it's cold outside and there's nothing to do.

You need to go and talk to your actual husband, and see what he says, without getting hysterical and hitting him (sorry to be harsh). I'm not sure you're in a fit state to be making big decisions at the moment, you need time.

Asteria · 25/11/2010 14:59

thank you PamelaFlitton - my sentiments exactly

AnyFucker · 25/11/2010 15:39

Cornered man winds up upset wife to lose her rag then turns on the waterworks to garner sympathy

Some script he is following there

GypsyMoth · 25/11/2010 15:46

so its all done and dusted tell next time.....familiar pattern.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2010 16:01

I know, ILT Sad

and unfortunately, so does PamelaT

I think some ladies on this thread just don't get that

redundant · 25/11/2010 16:02

what Asteria and PamelaFlitton said. I don't think this forum is going to help you reach any sensible/rational decisions at the moment. Log off and trust your own mind and judgement, and lean on your RL friends.