Please help me advice wise quickly

[pamelat]

Have few PND issues, DS 6 months but I believe I am right to be worried/sick about this.

Someone please help with advice as am shaking and feeling sick

On Sunday DH and DD went in to petrol station. DS (asleep) and I waited in the car. I was bored so flicked maps on on DH's Iphone. On a recent holiday I passed a car journey looking at maps of traffic jams, boring I know!!

Anyway the city centre came up and it had a pin in with a webaddress

Girlfriend experience

Its my bday tomorrow and I assumed this was a treat planned for me so switched off and never mentioned

Subconcious must have been working in over drive. That night had dream he had cheated on me, woke upset and told him. He ressured etc. anyway basically been unable to sleep since that dream and googled the website today, its an escort woman based in that same city

emailed and texted him to ask outright if used escort girl

our sex life been pretty rubbish post birth, evern 2 to 3 weeks etc

he calling but i cant speak

someone plesae explain how pins appear in iphone maps before i speak to him again??

Pamela, you are scared that you will just cave, so you are closing down. I believe that is because it has happened on several occasions previously.

You must be brave...getting rid of him without closure, or answers, is not the best way.

This does not have to be decided tonight, right now. Don't panic.

Let him talk and use that old delaying tactic..."I will get back to you on that" to give yourself some space.

Let him do the panicking, the explaining. You tell him you need to consider your options in the light of what he tells you, and in the light of his actions from now on.

And what options those are, depends entirely on how truthful you think he is being. Make sure he knows this is his chance to come clean and that you will respect him more if he does that.

thanks, think it is made worse by the fact that we have family plans over the next 2 days as he has taken leave for my bday. Not sure I can just carry on as normal, feels false and also too easy, if that makes sense.

Friday we have a child free day at a spa, not sure I want to go on bad terms. Was really really looking forward to it.

But then in the bigger scheme, these things re unimportant.

There will always be "family" things, Xmas coming up, anniversaries, childrens b'days etc etc etc

Tell him you want to use Friday to sit down and for him to tell you what is really happening in your marriage. He owes you that.

If he cannot do that, or you know he is continuing to lie and placing the blame squarely on you by being "paranoid" you have your answer in that he is never going to change

After that, you will have to think carefully (and slowly) about whether that is something you want to live with, and that you want your children to model

SGB will be along shortly to say that you also have the option of accepting he will be a user of pornography, sex phonelines, dogging sites and extra-marital sex and some women can live with that if they are allowed the same priveliges and due respect is afforded to the other partner. However, I think she sells that better than I can

Last chance saloon for him, IMO

You also need to speak to someone in RL and get some support.

Update

Had 2 chat/row/crying last night and felt better. He says, was looking at porn (spoken about this before and he had promised not to but there you go), looking at porn, advert clicked up for pent house something or other, clicked on it, was so shocked/suprised something existed like that locally that entered website in to maps

Sounds pathetic I know

Anyway I believe(d) him and went to sleep srt of feeling ok, separate beds.

Woke 5am and just cried for hours. Told him I hate him/ruined my life/how meant to believe/trust him/how because it was an escort and therefore personal if that makes sense, that cant get over it.

He is begging me to forgive him as says he has not done anything physcially wrong

I do believe that he has not seen her but I feel sick that its that step too far if you see what I mean.

On the upside, I have somehow lost 4lbs in 24 hours, joking, but weird how stress has done that when exercise/diet has failed.

I am so so confused

He is very scared/upset/sorry but I am just angry/scared/hurt/disgusted and that tiny bit of me doesnt believe him and that bit of me hates him.

How do you move on from that?

For god's sake of course he has seen her! I understand it's easier to refuse to believe the obvious and of course he will never admit to it but on the positive side there's no need to worry that much, he's not having an affair or anything.
It's not worth the tears, really it's not.

I am afraid I don't have any constructive advice but am very :( for you. What a shitty situation to be in.

Konchita I don't know how you can say that with such assurance. There are a lot of men who like the 'idea' of an escort, enjoy porn and use phone lines but wouldn't follow through physically. I'm not saying that's not bad enough and from his history (dogging?) he may have visited her, but you don't know that any more than I do. I think the OP has to make decisions based on facts - her marriage is at stake here.

OP you do need to talk to him until you are satisfied that you know all you need to know. At least his chequered history must have left you with a feeling for lies versus truth.

Once you are convinced you have the full picture, only you can decide whether you can move forward with the marriage or not. Tell your DH that the only way that the relationship has a chance is if he comes clean on everything - however dark or unsavoury - and then you can work out together whether this is fixable. Please try not to despair, it might be salvageable and if it isn't - it's better to know that now than in 2 or 5 or 10 years time.

Good luck

He's got her bloody address on his map. I looked on her website - to have got the address he must have made an appointment with her. Ok let's leave 0.01% chance that he didn't actually go there.

Konchita, although I admire your candour, you cannot be so sure that X, Y or Z happened

the harsher posts upthread (mine included) focussed on his behaviour ...the downplaying, the evasion, the previous indiscretions and the fact that all these add up to him being not very trustworthy, and not very nice either

this is Pamela's problem. She doesn't know for sure, feels she will never know for sure, and is trying to weigh up whether she wants to live her life in such an atmosphere

pointing out his shitty attitude and how it impacts on her is not the same as "God yes, he definitley did it and you are stupid (implied) to even think there is any possibility he didn't"

you, Kon, are the only one with that approach on this thread, and I personally don't think it is helpful

Good advice from SJ there

Pam, I don't much like this man and I don't think he is trustworthy but only you can decide whether this is something you can work through x

I think a little time will help, although I do understand your sense of urgency to "sort it out" quickly. I too am a woman of action, and find it difficult to have unresolved issues hanging over me, blighting my life.

You are also all too aware that by him just keeping his gob shut for long enough, busy lives'n' all that, Xmas coming up, he keeps his nose clean for a while etc etc this will be swept under the carpet again

That must be very wearing

Konchita it doesn't matter about probability, it's still speculation and in this situation, I think the OP has to come to those kinds of conclusions herself based on her RL relationship experience / conversations with her DH

Oh XPosted with AF

I am trying to be helpful. I even looked on google maps to disprove myself and get an explanation that he might come across the website that way. It's not on the maps so it is logical to suggest that he got address in the way I think he did. The excuse he gave was pretty lame anyway.
I am not taking harsh approach I was in similar situation with one of my exes and it was even more in face yet i absolutely refused to believe it clutching at any straws of hope he offered.
He himself told me I was right a few years later :(

Kon, I get you, honestly

I think this man's excuses are pretty lame too. Your first post didn't offer much in the way of support/sympathy as well as harsh reality though.

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as insensitive. It's just that the topic brought back some vivid memories. In my case the idiot bf accidentally dialed my number while in process. Would he admit to anything - no no and no.

Op I was not aware of your erlier posts. Can I ask you how you got over the dogging/car/hash episode? For me that would have been the end. I don't think anyone needs to park up at a dogging site to smoke.

I agree with the others. Take your time, see how you feel in the coming days. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of PND and two little kids. I hope you get some rl support.

Kon, I know, I often get into trouble myself for posting knee-jerk reactions (no0t that you are in trouble )

It makes my blood boil actually to see shit men getting away with thinking they can treat women like they are stupid

We are not stupid...what they are playing on (and using to their advantage) is the fact that we love them and want to believe them. Being the nice people we are, we give people the benefit of the doubt. sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes it is misplaced. Only Pam knows that, for her.

Of course the escort will do as HE say, ie lie about it, after all, he is her customer, and she does not want to lose a customer, so he can drag you there, or her to your home (!!! fuckwit) and the outcome will be the same: The escort will feign complete ignorance, because she has been told to do so.

I find it highly suspicious that he is even thinking this!

He wants to drag a whore to the family home? Or take his wife to see her?

He is mad. He does not see the boundaries, and he does not see that his family should not be mixed up with such seedy business.

Which brings me to the next point: sure he has slept with her.

Can you check his credit card statements?

I would not be married to a man if there was even the tinyest hint of interest in hookers. Sorry

so the ad popped up (how many times do we hear that here!?)....he acted on it and then acted further by pinpointing where she was based......he was considering,at the very least,taking this further...

then theres the other point here,which has been conveniently swept under the carpet....he had a 'no porn' agreement,his wife has pnd and he went ahead anyway....no respect or regard for her feelings there,so taking it further with an escort would not prick his conscience

op....any largish sums of money ever disappeared over last few months? cos looking at the ad and prices,she aint cheap!!

Hi all

Re earlier stuff, I genuinely believed he was naive and didnt realise dogging site

I appreciate that sounds stupid but seriously he is quite moralistic really.

I am now really confused as did/do believe he hasnt seen her. More than anything, not sure when he would.

Then all recent posts say definately has, couldnt get over that.

He has said to check bank statements, will do

He says typed web address in maps out of curiousity, do pins come up then???

Feel very wobbly.

Ilovetiffany, thats what I keep saying

He looked at porn (can get over that) he then clicked on escort ad (claiming to not really know what it was) v upset about this and once realised his "mistake" rather than logging off, he looked up address in his map application. he says just out of fascination that such a thing could exist here

Maybe very naive

He genuinely seems devastated and seems to be being honest but then if this were a friend telling me this ...

He says his whole life at stake and wouldnt ever jeopardise us

how would she be able to have her ad so it pops up??
surely it would cost a fortune.....only big businesses would be able.

Hey Pam,

been mucking about with my iphone to see if I can help you.

You can't enter a WEB address into maps. It would need to be a 'postal' address he manually entered or a pin comes up if you have that address already in your phone in your contacts.

Eg. I have my dentist address in mine, so there is a pin on the map there.

It sounds as though he has a contact maybe in his phone.

If you can get his phone, side swipe it to the left on the home screen, and it gives you a search function. The search function will trawl through all the emails/texts/contacts etc and list out what it finds. If you know what to search for it should come up then.

Hope this helps.

think shes like a franchise

i cant get the web address in on my iphone either