Please help me advice wise quickly

[pamelat]

Have few PND issues, DS 6 months but I believe I am right to be worried/sick about this.

Someone please help with advice as am shaking and feeling sick

On Sunday DH and DD went in to petrol station. DS (asleep) and I waited in the car. I was bored so flicked maps on on DH's Iphone. On a recent holiday I passed a car journey looking at maps of traffic jams, boring I know!!

Anyway the city centre came up and it had a pin in with a webaddress

Girlfriend experience

Its my bday tomorrow and I assumed this was a treat planned for me so switched off and never mentioned

Subconcious must have been working in over drive. That night had dream he had cheated on me, woke upset and told him. He ressured etc. anyway basically been unable to sleep since that dream and googled the website today, its an escort woman based in that same city

emailed and texted him to ask outright if used escort girl

our sex life been pretty rubbish post birth, evern 2 to 3 weeks etc

he calling but i cant speak

someone plesae explain how pins appear in iphone maps before i speak to him again??

Yes he will definitely try and baffle you with science. Men who behave like this often have secret passwords, PIN numbers, secret accounts. Even if they get found out, they usually have a story ready to make you look paranoid.

how sad that I am thinking of logistical probs and finances re child care, it would be very difficult as I work part time.

I am not a violent person but fear that I could slap him thats awful isnt it but he is playing with the happiness of our chidren, know that may sound smug and very "married" but am really angry at him, but then just sad too

meant to be out tonight with a friend with a friend but had to cancel, told her why, shes about the only friend in rl i could/will tell as she doesnt judge.

i dont think he can explain it away but he will try. he is now saying lets pay her to come and talk to us and she will promise nothing happened but what a waste of time and money. its not about her, its about my worries about him mapping/seaching locaal escorts

I was looking for my sisters house on maps this morning. When I pressed a random place on the road I know she lives on, it put a pin on that spot and showed what it was (a hotel, which I have never searched for or visited!!!). This could actually be completely innocent. Following this logic, my DH could assume I went to that hotel this morning. I didn't, I looked after some kids at my sisters place.

I can tell by the tone of your posts changing even within just a few minutes you are going to allow him to downplay this and persuade you that you are the unreasonable one

Silly teenage squabbles ? He really has done a number on you.

His list of "misdemeanours" is really quite shocking for a so-called family man.

For some reason you are excusing shoddy and skanky behaviour. Why are your boundaries so blurred?

I don't think this man is a "wuss", not by a long way. He is certainly a skilled manipulator, gaining in experience all the time.

Don't do anything drastic! This could be innocent in 2 ways

1 - as toddlerama says, if you search for something nearby or with a similar name, in brings up lots of random other stuff

2 - Even if he did search for it, doesn't mean he went.

I can understand you're upset but I think you're overreacting thinking of throwing him out.

Gosh, poor you.

My DP lets me down monumentally and I am dealing with giving up on him right at this moment. This is why I've chosen to post a reply to this thread.

What I feel in your situation is that your DH is dealing with personal issues in a way that takes him outside of your marriage. Using sexual experiences outside of the relationship is not about how good the sex is at home or how much love he has for you I don't think. It shows lack of respect, and diminshes his love for you but it isn't because he doesn't love you or because he prefers sex with someone else (talking about it or doing it).

Because this is my belief about such situations, I think one has limited choices as to what to do. One can take complete charge and walk away or you can give your DH an opportunity. This limits the control you have over the situation but it also gives your relationship a chance to survive. With the latter option, because of the trust involved and the control you relinquish, you have to put firm parameters in place like timescales and rules of respect.

Essentially what I'm saying is you have to ask him to leave or you have to define an acceptable course of action for him that will give him the chance to deal with the reasons why he is going outside of his marriage to you to find the comfort or release that he needs.

I'm reading Russell Brand at the moment, which has kind of got me thinking about this stuff. I don't like the guy much but you can see how a man like him uses sexual behaviour along with drugs as a way of avoiding demons. This is just an aside, and not intended to trivialise your situation by comparing with the outpurings of a minor celeb.

Christ knows why your DH is choosing this path to soothe away any shitty issues he has, but choose it has and he only has the option of losing you or finding healthier ways of addressing his problems and stresses. You need to make this clear.

Unfortunately, we all know how hard it is to move out of comfort zones - no matter how screwed up that place may be. Dieters know this, drinkers know this, serial shaggers know it too, we all do.

The question is whether your DH is brave enough to choose a better way, and ultimately whether you are prepared to give him the luxury of the chance to.

I think you need to be crystal clear with yourself whether sex with someone else is insurmountable. If you know deep down it is don't choose the 'one last chance' option because the resentment will not allow recovery. But if you can get over that possible reality then maybe you can give him a chance to do something different.

Don't allow him to make out that the relationship is what made him do this, it comes from deep inside him, not you. Your sex life and emotional bond can only improve when you know he is steadfast and you can trust him.

Is that right toddlerama? on your iphone maps?

Mine doesn't do that. And I don't think I'd be that happy if it brought up escort services - on i-phone maps? i-phone's which are often owned by kids.

really?

His idiotic suggestions to "pay her to come and talk to us" are making him sound worse, not better.

I think I asked a lot of questions there?

didn't I?

sorry?

It's an android, but on google maps which is what the iphone uses.

I think you have to be unfortunate enough to press the point where the business has established its pin, but yeah it happened this morning and I flapped over it because I was in a hurry and couldn't get rid of it (it was blocking what I wanted to see).

I think "pay her to come and talk to us" sounds more naive than sinister tbh. She's not a relate counsellor!

I think it is sinister.

He knows it will never happen, he knows it is a complete red herring and that any escort will lie, for money.

am getting weaker, you're right, am tired/late to collect dd/bad day with ds etc

silly day to day things getting in the way

have told him he is allowed home to talk to me re "what I think may have happened" but am not a walk over and i cant see how he can et out of this really

he is a very practical serious person

as an outsider i would not believe him, he now saying pin was purple he thinks but has deleted it "trying to find out how it works", convenient hey. part of me hates him

if he slept with anyone else I would leave, even googling escort addresses is bad, but not sure i would leave but how am I ever meant to bloody know

if we had no chidren i would now walk away, which says a lot

You poor thing

Pamela,

I can't say whether you should leave him or not (particularly regarding the other indiscretions), but one thing I've learnt is that most men are what we would call perverts.

An enlightening moment came when I read Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth (and I remember a female author saying humourously that she wouldn't want to shake hands with him).

Men will often, during dark nights of the soul, look up porn on the internet, consider ringing a sex line, look at escort services.

If what your DH has done is look up an escort service online, I'd think that's fairly excusable and normal - what isn't is if he's used an escort.

Most men are not perverts, Rita

Excusing them in that way does women, nor men, any favours at all

Your children should be the reason you walk away, rather than stay. Children can really do without being raised in an unhappy home. They will notice. They will grow up thinking it is the norm. They will go on to settle for this shit themselves.

Anyway - he's lying. He has now deleted the proof he is lying, so can continue to wear you down until you give in to his pathetic claims to innocence. Don't make any hasty decisions, but do not continue to settle for this bollocks.

Sorry, I just happen to disagree. I admit pervert is a loaded term, and I could change "most" to "a lot of",, and I could also add "for short periods" but I think what I said is fairly true.

I'm not excusing using prostitutes, etc, but I'm explaining the odd look at a website, etc.

He is now being very matter of fact. Have told him he can fetch DD and put them to bed but then I want him to go, he can tell them going away with work.

Nothing he can say can make it ok really/??? the only thing I could forgive is a scenario such as looking at porn, link flashes up, clicks on, somehow pin embeds self in map ... but reading that back sounds very naive.

Because of PND am struggling to look after DS and generally exhausted so he has been doing most of night feeds, will miss that

Just feel very vulnerable as 2 young kids, moved to sticks etc, not many close proper friends anymore (lots of mummy ones) and feel quite isolated.

Pam, slow down

Have you even spoken to him face to face ?

Is the demise of your marriage being played out over texts.?

His behaviour is totally out of order and he must be made to explain humself and be completely transparent and stop lying to you.

You are actually letting him off the hook by closing down like this.

Make him tell you the truth...he owes you that.

I know, just feel too hurt to talk to him.

or that I may slap him or throw something at him. going to struggle in front of dd. she is such a mummys girl and will pick up on it all, hence delaying fetching her

washed face etc, ds having a nap, just getting self ready to act fine for an hour or so until they are in bed.

he says he has something to tell me which may explain it, not holding out much hope but will see what he says.

You are massively overreacting to be thinking of doing all this stuff before you've even spoken to him. You don't know anything yet. If I was him, I would not leave my own house if I wasn't being given a proper chance to explain myself.

Please, Pam just slow down.

Nobody on this thread is saying your marriage is over right now.

Show him this thread. Make him understand he should respect you enough to tell you the truth with no bullshit about inviting prostitutes to your home to tell you lies.

Let him talk if he says he has something to say, it may clarify things for you. Don't shut down.

Can you get an emergency sitter and go out to neutral ground to talk (it will by necessity limit the slapping impulse)

Hi there, I absolutely never post on these sorts of things, but having read this, I think you need to slow down, and stop being convinced that he has lied and cheated on you by a bunch of people on a forum who don't know you or him.
I know being exhausted and so close to a situation can cloud your judgement but really, just going by what you have posted I don't think it seems cut and dried enough to have decided to leave him. Yes talk to him, because of course the fact you are upset is something to resolve/address in itself, but you really seem to be rushing headlong into this. Hope it all works out for you, you are obviously tired and upset.

yes will talk to him, sorry

just feel he will smooth talk it all away and that things will then be back to normal and I will never know.

The scary thing is that I think I am too weak for serious upheaval anyway. I just feel that I dont know nor like him now.