unsure where to go with daughter

[Mummiehunnie]

I am a single parent and the youngest has always been hard work, this has been noticed by everyone who has seen her in action, it was always worse with me than with her father however she was the same with him when he was around. He is the most controlling person going and he could not control her either! She is good at school! I took her with the ex a few months before he left to see the gp to get a referral nothing happened, I took her privately and asked if she had adhd or something they said as she sat in school she did not... ex blamed her behaviour on me, our other child is normal range of behaviour...

I am sick to the back teeth of being beaten up, I am sick to the back teeth of being a slave to her physically and emotionally... I feel trapped and the situation is bringing me further down...

I have escaped abuse from other people and I feel I am trapped with her, there is no one else around, they were all abusive and would not help anyways, I have begged twice for social services to take her on short term care, they say they would go to the family, if that happened she would just beat me up more...

i am having therapy for the abuse from the past and the therapist knows the situation, she is trying to help me build up my self esteem.

I had a ed psy come for two years to the house, dd would not engage, I worked on myself...

A friend once suggest dd had oppositional disorder, I am worred getting her counselling as I am scared she will say something wrong, for example if you go on the computer once for half an hour when she is watching tv she will say I am on the computer all the time.... and I am worried that someone will believe her. I am also scared as ex told lies about me to the authorities in the past... I feel trapped I know she needs help, I feel if I get her help she will hang me, and I am sick of being hanged for other people's issues...

I did not make myself clear there, I did not ask him if he had reported me, it would be pointless, I asked ss if he had reported me to them, they said he had not, it was easier to phone them than to sit and worry that they would come around!

I asked the psychologist if I had a something wrong with me, I mean I know I had depression and anxiety, what I asked was if there was something else wrong with me like a disorder, she has not told me there is anything wrong with me other than low self esteem, I wondered if she was thinking at one point about longterm ptsd, nothing was ever mentioned about it, or her thinking there is anything else wrong with me!

Mummie , people who openly question whether they have a disorder rareley do. The disordered never question themselves .

The bitching about your parenting from your ex and in laws in the early days was out of order , and has made you question yourself .

Well, you are very early days in your own recovery. You probably do have PTSD! I am a year down the line with psychotherapy, and not healed yet!

You are doing all the right things for yourself and your daughter. She probably has PTSD also.

It sounds as though your ex has been continuing with his controlling and abusive ways. As you recover you will get more strength to be able to deal with him. I just ignore my exH now, instead of trying to justify myself to him all the time. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you! Other than you have been abused for a long time, and now are dealing with the fallout from this with your daughter. As you get better, she will respond to this. I have seen this with myself and my DCs.

You are very very early days with this, and good for you for trying to get a handle on it now.

I am sorry if I missed what you said in previous posts. I am working and posting at the same time!

Do try the lone parents thread. They are very hot on this sort of thing.

Keep posting. xx

I probably had ptsd when things were going on with ex, the abuse from him was extreme after he left, so the fall out from that was probably when I had ptsd, not sure about now...

As for dd, that is interesting that she may have it, actually as I have been thinking about things, with the help of you ladies, and I still need to go back and look at the more challenging messages when I am in a stronger state to see what is there for a message for me and what was about the particular poster projecting etc...

I am still thinking there is an underlying issue with dd that was there before, I can't be blamed for her being anxious because I took her to swimming lessons for a term when she was a baby! I remember her first bath, ex had this thing where he was despirate to bath her, and he got the stuff ready without me when I was on the phone, I came down and ex put her in and her legs and arms splayed, other dd did not react like that when she was first bathed! He had this thing where he wanted her to have a bath there and then, then I think surely that is not the thing about water for her? maybe he was worried she was dirty I don't know, she had not been bathed in hospital and I had just washed her down with cloths to that point!

I do think that the situation with the ex and myself afterwards has affected both children, I never though it did not, and it was a source of depression and anxiety for me when it was happening, I had no control over it, I was threatened and controlled by his solicitor and then the courts, long long story. There was no parental conflict when we were married, seriously a row a year, the conflict that damaged the children was the conflict after he left, when I started to stand up for myself and his now wife started to interfer and that was when the really bad abuse came on, looking back at some of it, it was probably her that sent me the most soul destroying abuse from his phone, the really cutting stuff, as men generally don't think to put a woman down the way I was in some of the texts and looking back at his abuse to my face or on the phone it was different to the texts!

I handled dd differently this morning, she was quite happy then she was raging at us both as she had lost her tights and is angry she has not had her trousers washed, I didn't respond if you give me your uniform I will wash it, put your uniform away and you will be able to find it that type of thing.... I was silent... they are at the bottom of her room mess that has been there for months now, the mess in the living room is still piled up on the sofa she still ignores it, it still irritates me, the sandwich she threw on the floor yesterday morning is still there, it was not good enough for her, she demanded that I buy her a bought sandwich yesterday...

I have a feeling that his now wife used to wind him up big time, when he threatend to kill me, destroy me and take the kids off me he rang back a few minutes later and tried to cover up, it was like someone had wound him up (he was drunk) and he rang me and then they heard what he said and they advised him he went too far... He seriously got much worse when he moved in with her, towards me the children and regarding abusing himself!

The first time the children met her was a weekend, after so many threats, I don't want to go into detail, ex's now wife ... well there were concerns about inappropriate behaviour from her to youngest when oldest was out of the room with father ... no one believed dd but me and other dd, cahms lady told me to keep quiet about it to court people and not to tell police as it would not help dd, ex called her a liar and cafcass did not believe us... some one around me told me I was making it up also and it must be innocent as women don't do that sort of thing... I know ex's now wife and mother were abused by her father and stepfather! Ex called dd a liar and covered up for ow! she was very upset about that! Also when with the father ow did weird things and he was horrible about things also... long story! He rejected them for her!

I challenged him about her and lieing for her and that parents should not do that he looked ashamed, it was just him and me waiting to go to finances court, he knows!

That sounds good from you this morning. Have you tried the toddler thing? Ignore the bad and praise like mad the good? You have to actually actively find them being good, set them up to be good even. It's hard work for you, but puts the control in your corner.

At the moment it sounds a bit as though you are REactive rather than PROactive with your daughter. You are always on the back foot. Not your fault...when you have been abused and are recovering, this is how you are.

Imagine how you feel from the abuse you have suffered. She will feel this too, but she is a child and will feel it in different ways. She NEEDS you to take control.

Can you talk to your CP about this? I know an hour a week isn't much, but I only get half an hour longer tha that in a group, but gradually ti is beginning to work.

I think your behaviour towards her is the key to this. Keep posting xx

Yes I do that, I praise I had spent my whole marriage priasing a narc!!!! I did blow every so often and tell off, and still do a little not as bad, I had that sort of advice from ed psy... and did a lot of that anyways from reading books etc when they were younger! As I say I don't have these issues with other dd!

I have mentioned a few things as time has gone on and a lot yesterday to psychologist re dd and the issues involved...

You are telling me to take control yet someone else said control is abuse... I also took so much from maths post as the psychologist and I discussed how I had that warped faulty thinking that there had to be someoen in control and she explained to me that it is not the way it is to be, our relationship is very even in therapy and I have experienced that with the ed psy... I know I need to make certain adult decisions etc, the thing is I don't want to or have the ability to be one of these people who is a Gillian McKeith control freak, look at her in the jungle now! One thing that came up yesterday is that I try and reason too much adult to adult with the children about behavour and how things could be better and it is not working...

Parental lead, control freak type people actually make me feel physically sick if I am around them now, I can't brear it!

I need to find out from wa later to see if they run those groups locally for children, and read up some more, speak to psy and school re sending dd in dirty/creased uniform no lunch/pe kit etc!

There is a major difference between being in control as a parent to instil boundaries and provide the security children need, to the behaviour of a controlling partner.One is healthy, the other is not. I am sure you know this.

Mummiehunnie - it seems common for people who are with/have been with partners like this to apply a range of personality disorder possibilities to themselves. I am doing that currently.

Guilt has made me do alot of things with my child which, I have found out, in the long run, were not beneficial, and I now have to deal with the consequences. Having an anxious child.

Get all the support you can.

That's why I did not take on advice stright away, I want to think about it a bit more as that is what I have done before listened to various advice on how to handle, via books, parenting classes, ex, friends the list goes on, it all made for irratic behaviour really, I am getting my innervoice more and more, I lost it as parents and ex gaslighting switched it off in certain cases and I did not trut it, as was told well I am sure you know when I listened... I need some advice to fine tune certain things as there is something wrong, I do think regardless that dd has some issues unrelated to parental divorce etc and I do think that posting has helped as I realise that I am not as dreadfull as I thought and as some people have said I am who don't even know me, and I think if i look back were projecting a bit...I should listen to my innervoice more and stop doubting myself and thinking other people know better than me. I will read back when I have more time thoug as I am sure there are some valid things I had not though of, as I am sure there is still some faulty thinking going on with me!

She may feel by doing stuff herself with your guidance, that she is getting some control back herself in her life, after the experience of being in situations which were out of control and chaotic?

The dad's g/f did not abuse her, she did strange things that made both girls uncomfortable and despite family dysfunction her dysfunction was odder and new than anything they or I had come across there is also alcoholic issues in her family with alcohol that we don't have, I don't want to go into it exactly she did something that was odd and made dd feel uncomfortable and normal people would not do that I would describe it as a major boundary stamping and it was about her having her needs met regardless of how uncomfortable that it would make any child feel, her whole behaviour was stamping over boundaries and all about her, stamping her superiority and showing off to them in various was actually in a very childlike way, I do think she may have gone on to abuse though in many ways, exh covered for her and called dd a liar and tried to make out I was making children say things etc, it was sick that he did that. I do wonder if exh knew that this women is like deep down, pobably quite depraved sexually also judging by some of the bank statments I have seen and she probably did things for the ex I refused to do that are out of the norm in my mind anyways... He never tried to get her to spend time with the children before court without my agreeing, and even after court he would avoid her seeing the children, he knew and maybe that is what he thinks he deserves...I wonder if deep inside knew to keep the children away from her, but did not want to admit it or blame her or make life hard for him and her as he took up smoking like her and drinking like her and I suspect drugs too when he got with her which he probably likes... in his warped way blaming me rather than her for keeping them away was to protect them... who knows!

I will keep that idea in mind regarding going back to basics, i will keep reading and not implement things as I dont' want to be irratic...

Mummie...I totally know where you are coming from with regards to control. When you have had no examples of good parental control, applied with consistency and love, it is very difficult to get the right level yourself.

And if your daughter has been trying to rebel against your ex and his over-control, then I can see that you will be worried about repeating that with her.

I think what you are going through is normal after the experiences you and your family have had to put up with. You just have to keep going with what you think is right. Take ideas from others, but keep your own instincts to the fore.

Be consistent and keep loving her. See her actions as a cry for help from her. It's that old cliche isn't it? Condemn the behaviour but love the child.

Hopefully knowing that you are not alone in your experiences will help you to feel a bit better about yourself. You just need more confidence in yourself and your actions.

Keep posting xx

I have been thinking and I have made a big effort to show the children and teach them how to do certain things, as that was lacking from either of my parents, I was expected to know how to do things and not shown, they didn't even want to spend time with me actually...

I do wonder that there have been things that I have not shown the children and not realised, or showed them when they were younger or verbally told them how to do things, and I need to think about what things I have to go back over with them both or show for the first time!

Surley that is not the reason for the situation we are in, surley there are lots of people out there that have neglected things not through wanting to...

I have seen many worse parents than myself and they don't have a child who does what mine has done, single parents, married paretns all walks of life, educationally and financially...

Of course none of us is perfect as a parent! I was absolutely useless for years. All we can ever do is try our best. When we have had no good role-models we have to invent the wheel every single time!

There are children who are worse than ours and children who are 'better', all we can do is deal with what we have.

The good news for you is that you have plenty of time to change things for yourself and your children. Just trust yourself and take from all areas methods that you feel comfortable with.
xx

thanks getting x

dd had a bad day at school today, I could see this one coming, another girl in her class (who has issues of her own) has set the class up earlier in the week brought in a voodoo doll and had them putting pins in it and was saying all she needed to do to hurt someone was to get a bit of their hair, told dd how those dolls work... the girl has been targeting children one is dd who is complaining of back ache and upset as that girl has some how managed to get another girl to not talk to dd somehow who dd was friendly with...

MH I have a "challenging" child (DS now 13) who has had to cope with his grandfather's death, his father's death and his step-father's death in the space of 4 years. My OH died just over 3 years ago. Since then, I have had to deal with my own grief, anger etc. and with that of my son.

By the way, your daughter is 10 and heading for puberty - my son started displaying the anger at this age too. It will get easier, but you have a way to go with this.

I have repeatedly told my son that our home is our sanctuary - a place where he and I should feel safe. It only took a couple of years for that to get through to him.

If you feel strong enough, can you write down a list of what you want to achieve. I know this sounds patronising, but I don't mean to be patronising.....

For example, you would like your home to be a safe haven, peaceful, happy etc. Now, what can you do to achieve this? A night where you and your DDs sit together, eat popcorn and watch a movie? Or make homemade pizzas or homemade pasta? HTH...

I cook with the children, spend loads of time with them, I tell them those sorts of things you suggest, apparently that is too adult and that is why I was wasting my time and why it took your ds till he was 13 I suppose! oh dear I must come across as someone who is totally clueless and spends no time and does nothing quality with their children now, which is not the case, as I say I have no problems with other dd it is with the one who is "Challenging"

you don't sound patronising you sound helpfull

I am sorry to hear of all your losses, it must have been so tough on you both x

"..there were concerns about inappropriate behaviour from her to youngest when oldest was out of the room with father ... no one believed dd but me and other dd, cahms lady told me to keep quiet about it to court people and not to tell police as it would not help dd, ex called her a liar and cafcass did not believe us... some one around me told me I was making it up also and it must be innocent as women don't do that sort of thing... I know ex's now wife and mother were abused by her father and stepfather! Ex called dd a liar and covered up for ow! she was very upset about that! Also when with the father ow did weird things and he was horrible about things also... long story! He rejected them for her!"

Was there sexual abuse of your DD there?
I think this could be very significant, Mummiehunnie.
Has anyone ever got to the bottom of this question? Any investigation?

Mummiehunnie -- Being controlling in a personality disordered way is abusive, but being firm and consistent is not controlling in a bad way. It's more being in charge, letting the DD know you are a rock of strength. Children who are lost the way your DD seems to be need someone to be in charge; maybe this book could give you some pointers, although it's directed at parents and children who have had reasonably peaceful family experiences.

Have you ever done the Women's Aid Freedom Programme?

You might like to order this book on parenting in the aftermath of an abusive relationship -- although you say the abuse only got under way after you separated, I recognised your description of your Ex having to give the DD a bath right then and there, as soon as the thought popped into his head; I found it like living with a tornado (and my ex has also decided that the courts are his personal weapon to use against me, post divorce.)

There's also When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft which might be helpful with your DD, and The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel which might help you understand what you yourself are going through.

Sending you every good wish Mummiehunnie. Keep posting.

blimey thanks for the book links, I will be back ordering books again at the start of the month!

No the women did not touch dd, it was the way she stood and looked at dd when dd was in a bedroom changing, that made dd unconfortable, dd hid under a douvet and exh's wife stood there for some time, all the time slient, eventually she said good night and walked out of the room! I told my solicitor, I told cafcass, and cahms... as I eplained above was advised to leave it for dd's sake by cahms. I saw not long ago that there was a change in the law (Sarah's law) I rang the police number that was given, and spoke to someone they asked me if the ex's wife had contact with dd now, I said no, so they said that it was not relevant as the woman has no contact with dd at present!