How can she still do this to me when I am 41?

[HappyWithLife]

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

I would write a letter to her, which would consist of 5 words, namely:

"Fuck off you mad bitch"

and post it to her. Then never answer the phone to her again.

Bloody hell, I thought my mother was loopy.
What will it take for the final straw to snap, just how bad has she got to be before you'll say enough.
I can put up with being critized myself but so much as a bad word about or to my children and that would be it.
If anyone called my child ugly to her or my face she'd be out the door by the scruff of the neck.

You ARE strong enough. Think of how she will continue to treat you & your children as they get older.

Don't bother with the letter. It is pointless & a waste of time. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong & your letter will do nothing but give her ammo against you!

She is not coming for Christmas. Tell her now that you have been invited to friends, anything!

Seriously, she sounds like my mother. Will ruin anything if she had half the chance. Including my relationship with my girls. Which is why I don't see her. Haven't since I was 18.

Would you tolerate that behaviour from a friend? So why is she any different?

To be honest, I don't think it matters what you do or what you tell her so long as that woman doesn't darken your door over Christmas. Tell her you are having a massive feck off party. Tell her anything you want. That way you won't have some awful dark cloud hanging over you at Christmas and you can write the "goodbye forever" letter in the New Year and stick to it as your NY resolution.

You can't, can't, can't have her calling your child ugly.

Msboogie...you're right, if I do the whole I don't want you here thing it will ruin my xmas...it shouldn't but it will. So to ensure a happy xmas I will lie through my teeth if I have to, just to make sure we get it alone.

Note the amount of distance as well put between the two of them. Its mental distance just as much as physical distance.

Spot on! I moved to Australia for different reasons & several years after last seeing mum. But the emotional distance does a lot for my self esteem!

Knowing that she can't turn up unannounced, that she can't run into me on the street, that she will never get a plane here & that I am free of all ties. Family tie, emotional ties, distance ties.

I'm well rid & I feel great for it.

Well, I know my mother will never turn up here unannounced as although it's only 40 miles away it takes 3+ hours to get here on public transport and she doesn't drive. So that's a bonus albeit a small one.

I;d have thrown those Pringles rght in her face.
You dont need any excuses.christ, what a bitch

You see, that is the huge difference between you (plus your siblings) and her. You have empathy, she does not. You have consideration for other people's feelings, including hers. She does not and very likely cannot have consideration for anyone but herself. You may be scared of confrontation but the thing you seem most scared about is causing hurt, rather than receiving it. I hesitate to say that you should be less nice. However, any self-respecting tigress would rip anyone to shreds who looked squinty-eyed at her cub, and I think you need to dig deep for your inner tigress. This will not make you become like the old bat your mother, because you do it to defend others rather than to hurt and control.

A lot of the shouting and raving is just an act anyway - emotional incontinence as a means of control - rather than an indication of especially deep feelings.

HWL,

re your comment:-

"I know it's a cowards way out, but I may tell her casually that I have also invited friends round to spend xmas with us. She's a huge social phobic, just cannot interact with other people and the thought of having to spend xmas with strangers would horrify her. That way I'm not cancelling her, but she will be forced to cancel it herself. I know I know...pathetic".

No, you cannot do that; that tactic could well backfire on you. You need to tell her straight out that she is not invited and you do not want to see her ever again. You could lie through your teeth to her and do the above but you lie to your own self in the process thus letting your own self down. If you do the above as well I further cannot see you challenging her in the new year either; you will find some reason/excuse not to do this.

She's insulted your children repeatedly (my guess is as well that when she was saying all these things you were standing there mute like a deer caught in the headlights). What will it take exactly for you to end this toxic relationship with this person?. Where is your boundary with her; you do not seem to have one. Your mother has a strong hold over you yes but she is no svengali and you are not her muse.

A straight answer to your original question posed is because you allow her to do that to do and your children.

Since I overheard my mother emotionally abusing my 5-yr-old, I have stopped caring entirely what her opinion of me is. I appreciate it is very difficult to cut people out but consider this: she doesn't give a shit about you, she doesn't give a shit about your children (your poor dd2 - that was terrible treatment with the insults and the money).

As I said to my mother, if an acquaintance of mine had treated my child with such cruelty, I would simply never see that person ever again. And if it was a stranger in a shop shouting at you, you'd be scared, threatened and outraged. The behaviour is the same, and the reaction should be the same, not sanctioned because she's family.

It is really psychologically messy, and I haven't seen a counsellor either because I'm just not quite ready to do that (I think people who have had therapy forget that you do have to be ready for it, hence all the encouragement to do it, which feels a bit oppressive tbh) in my case because I fear opening a massive can of worms. I imagine this takes up a lot of your brain space at the moment. Do you feel angry about that yet? It's possible that you'll feel complete rage that her actions have affected you so deeply and then (hopefully) that'll pass, partly at least, and you can get a bit of equilibrium and clarity back. But that does mean not seeing her.

As for inviting herself for Christmas, just say 'No, we have plans for Christmas' and when she asks you can say 'I am spending it with my children, I want their memories of Christmas to be happy ones, and we both know that you and I don't get along."

HWL, sounds to me like you have already capitulated. You have already rationalised why you cannot cut his woman from your life. So she will continue to destroy your self esteem and go on to destroy you little girl's. This is your choice, and you will have to live with the consequences.

So make the choice. Be a mother. Or be a helpless child.

As a mother, you MUST put your child first. This is clearly something your mother never learned. She will not suddenly have an epiphany and turn into the mum from the brady bunch. Her opinions are so set a she is so manipulative that you will never find that loving parent. SO the very best you an do is withdraw contact.

If you still need to feel shit every now and then meet on her turf without the kids once a month or so.

But to expose your children to an abusing grandparent....like I said, your choice.

I also think that over the years you have grown so used to rationalising her behaviour and excusing it that you are like an alcoholic's long suffering partner - you have become co-dependant, and you are effectively enabling her behaviour.

EVery time she does something and you do nothing, you have sent the message that it is OK to behave that way. Se knows you will be there next time.

You can keep on finding excuses not to act, because thats the overwelming impresion I am getting from your posts, that you are aleady putting off the decision - hoping for what?
Some big reconciliation? Not going to happen.

From my personal perspective, cutting my mother from my life actually improved my mental health, my relationships with my kids and partner, because I wasn't being drip fed poison from her about how crap my kids/partner/life were. I do miss her - but I soon realised that what I missed was my idealised image of "mum", not the reality of the spiteful old self centered bitch.

Once again, you are all right. I should probably feel annoyed at the bluntness of some of the posts but I'm not, I am grateful. I know I am putting it off, I know I am finding excuses. But in some respects some of the assumptions about me are wrong (although if I were reading this from another poster I would assume the same). I'm not looking/hoping for some reconciliation, and I have accepted that she will never be the sort of mother I want/need/deserve. I know she is not a nice person. I didn't stand like a deer in the headlights, I have challenged her over the way she speaks to the DC but not enough and not forcefully enough, I grant you.
BUT....some progress has been made. I know you won't think so but for me it is. She text me this morning about my niece coming up to stay on Friday. I was quietly fuming, as I have been since it all happened at the weekend, and I challenged her over her behaviour towards me and the children. It's not a lot to anyone looking in but it's a huge step for me, so please don't judge me. I told her she behaved appallingly, that she spoilt the weekend and that she upset my children with her cruel comments etc. And guess what she did.....she denied it all, turned it around on me and refused to accept ay responsibility for her actions. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment (as well as the might of MN pushing me to do the right thing) and it felt really good but also quite sad. Sad for me that is, at the mother I never had, and the emotionally stilted childhood I had. And sad and angry that she could talk to my beautiful baby like that.
It didn't get any further than that because I put the phone down on her and now she won't speak to me for ages, which is fine by me.

Also, although it's not Australia, I made a conscious decision to stay here when I split with my partner rather than move back to my home town, purely and simply because I didn't want to be near her. So I'm not quite as wussy as you think. Almost, but not quite.

You are sort of wasting your time calling her on her behaviour though and pointing out the unacceptability of it. She just isn't capable of viewing the world from any perspective but her own self-justifying vantage point. She has a different reality to you, and it is as real to her as yours is to you (and us).

So you will achieve nothing with letters setting out how she has hurt you and treated your family badly. She is blind to her own actions.

Hopefully now she won't speak to you until after Chirstmas at least! For God's sake do not pick up the phone and don't fall for any "sudden illness" emotional blackmail malarky either! Illness and massive wobblers are usually the first line of attack with these people.

HWL glad the link was helpful. I sent it as a lot of what you say sounds like my mother. My jaw hit the floor when I first read that list of traits - I couldn't believe how much it secribed my mother and the realionship I have with her. Finally at 46 it all makes sense!

Do a bit of research regarding Narcisstic Personality Disorder on other websites and you'll probably recognise a lot of experiences. I also joined the forum on that website I sent you the link to. Well worth it.

Good luck!

If your mother is indeed narcissistic you cannot have any sort of relationship with her because it won't work.

Her response is actually typical of such toxic people; the denial, the rewriting of history, the lack of responsibility for her actions its all classic toxic behaviour.

Beware of any potential previously unheard of health problems she tells you about; this form of emotional blackmail may well be her next line of attack towards you.