How can she still do this to me when I am 41?

[HappyWithLife]

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

Ave said it once, ave said it a thousand times, 'cut this woman out of your life, YOU are abusing your children by allowing them to be around her, stop the cycle of abuse now please.

People are giving you very good advice - you do need to listen to them.

You mustn't let your children be abused in their own home at Christmas or any other time.

You owe it to them, and the little you who was abused as a child by her, to stand up to her (or at least avoid her).

If you don't, you could be sowing the seeds for your DD's own problems with self esteem etc.

You have to be a mum and not an abused daughter now. You can't have any more to do with this woman.

If you don't feel you can confront her direct/write her a letter etc. (and I am not sure it is the solution for everyone) you can spend the rest of your life being entertained by the 'creative' excuses you can come up with.

You need to set an example to your DD"s that they don't have to put up with abuse (because that is what it is) by anyone... even a grandmother.

Don't worry, I'm not ignoring anyone, and the first step is I will not have her here for xmas. Next step is dealing with her; that will take time and can come in the new year. But it will be done

Darling, if I have to come and pick you up and drive you to my own house blindfolded I will do it to avoid you spending one second of your Christmas with this woman! I mean it now

LOL Bitoffun...I'm scared now

"Next step is dealing with her; that will take time and can come in the new year".

But will it?. I do not mean to sound cynical here BTW, I am genuinely wondering how you are going to do that. I sincerely hope you do not find some "reason" to put the above off.

It appears to me that you are still mightily afraid of this woman and thus any confrontation will again leave you reeling in its wake.

I still advocate counselling for your own self.

Has she got BPD? Where she criticises you all of the time and goes loopy without control and all that?

Have a read. Borderline Personality Disorder,

Attila...yes it will come, and yes I am afraid of her, not physically but emotionally and verbally. And that's something I will have to work on, with the help of counselling hopefully.
Feministparent...it has crossed my mind many times, but unfortunately when someone won't admit there is anything wrong it is impossible to get a diagnosis. I have to put DD to bed now, but will come back on and post some examples of her behaviour later.

It doesn't really matter whether she has BDP or is just a bitter old toxic witch - the important fact is that she will never ever change and the only thing you can change is to stop allowing her to have any part of your lives.

Msb...I wasn't excusing the woman or expecting the OP to put up with it at all. I know what I'm talking about, I think if she had BPD the OP could accept that she is manipulative and nasty and will never change.

It is a valid point about the BPD, she definately has some sort of personality disorder. But I do know that whatever the reason (if there is one) she will not change.

Ok...some memories from my earlier years. My Dad wanted to take me to see my paternal grandmother. I was about 19 at the time so not a little girl. My mother, when we got home, had drunk herself into oblivion and become incontinent and had to be carried up the stairs by my Dad, all because we'd gone to see his family.
I was never ever allowed friends into the house, never had a birthday party etc. My friends could occassionally come into the garden but weren't allowed in to use the toilet and were sent home if they needed it (we're talking 6 year olds here).
She was always convinced that people were talking about her...and comparing her unfavourably. if i went anywhere I had to listen to 'did they say anything about me/talk about me/is their house bigger/is the mum younger/prettier/slimmer than me.'
I have a memory of going into the bathroom when I was young and finding my mum in a bath of red...she had cut her wrists. She has scars on her wrists to this day even though she would deny it.
She definately has problems

A friend of mine has CBT due to her mother's BPD. I think she should tell her Mum to fuck off, but everytime her mother gets a sniff that her dd has had enough she tries the old emotional blackmail. It reminds me of the child holding the hamster too tight!

Fucking hell OP, excuse the language. How is therapy going?

Do not be scared of this woman she can only hurt you if you believe her, try to see her like erm Peggy Mitchel, or something.

I've just read your last post and once again I'm amazed that you have such a brilliant relationship with your own children. You are an amazing person.

And I think your mother can see this and she hates it. It sounds like she's jealous of your ability to love your children, and the way you've brought them up to love you, and she's trying to wreck your relationship with them. You need to stop feeling sorry and responsible for her; she has obviously had years of watching you develop strong bonds with your children and cannot/will not follow your example and accordingly try to change her own behaviour. I refer you back to my earlier "banging your head against a brick wall" comment! You've done your best, she blatantly hasn't, now's the time to put you and your children first and let her go.

Another one for sending her a letter. Please just tell her honestly that you are spending Christmas on your own with your lovely family and tell her why.

I feel so sad that a grandmother can talk to a 6 year old like that. What a bitch :(

OMG

You don't know me from Adam, I just stumbled in here but I swear I would swim to where you are to make sure that woman doesn't ruin the Christmas you and your children deserve.
You have obviously been very strong as a mother; you're going to have to find just a bit more strength.

Id send a letter , too.
Tell her you dont want to see her again, that she will not be spending xmas with you and the children because she is
" a vile abusive bitch". Use those words.

No one should ever call a child ugly , let alone their grandchild.

Your little 6 yr old deserves the xmas all little girls should have ...one thats full of fun , and feeling that she is loved by her family.

That old crone is not a grandmother , not a mother ....shes the 2nd best advert for old age homes ive seen yet.

I hope you and the kids have a very happy ,peaceful , fun xmas.You really deserve to enjoy this one.

I think the problem here is that you are such a different person to your mother and you are treating her as you would like to be treated. It sounds as if you feel you need to have a big confrontation and 'have it all out' with her. That is far too scary and so you back away from it. Also, I wonder whether being truthful is very important to you because of the way your mother has behaved.

So maybe you need to come at this from a different angle. You could write to your mum and say you 'can't have her for Christmas after all as something has come up.' This is true - what has come up is your need to have a great time with your DCs. It avoids direct confrontation and gives her no ammunition to attack you with. Then I would screen calls and be 'just on my way out' if you do answer. If she questions you, it's 'unfortunate but unavoidable' (again true, again avoids direct confrontation).

I think lots of little strategies and phrases that you are comfortable with will help. That way you are secure in what you are saying without giving her room to jump in. She'll still try to push your buttons (and succeed at times) but if you manage a couple of small successes you will feel much more in control.

In summary, what I think you should aim for is a gradual withdrawal in very small baby steps which feel do-able rather than a huge confrontation which will always feel too scary so you'll make excuses to put it off.

Oh yes, and try holding the phone away from your head so all you can hear is the tone of her voice not what she says - I think you'll find it very revealing.

And it's okay and reasonable to be angry with your mother for treating you like this. It does not make you a bad person. It is because you are such a good person that you cannot make the break. You want to believe that she can change and show you the love that you rightly deserve. But the harsh truth is that she hasn't in over 40 years and she's not going to start now.

Thanks to a thread on Mn recently I learnt about Narcissitic Personality Disorder. My mother has all of the traits.

narcisstic traits

It doesn't change anything except I know that that is how she is. Nothing I can do or say will change her and none of it is my fault. I just keepmy distance as much as possible.

Trust me it helps.

I know it's a cowards way out, but I may tell her casually that I have also invited friends round to spend xmas with us. She's a huge social phobic, just cannot interact with other people and the thought of having to spend xmas with strangers would horrify her. That way I'm not cancelling her, but she will be forced to cancel it herself. I know I know...pathetic.
An example of her social phobia/shitty rudeness is when my Dad was recovering after an operation to have his bowel removed, we were all at the hospital. The male nurse came around and asked us really nicely to go and grab a coffee because he needed to take bloods and by the time we got back he'd be finished. My darling mother, at her sick husband's bedside and in front of her offspring and the other patients shouted that he was a 'fecking faggot, nursing is a job for women and how dare a queer tell her what to do'. (Her words...I am the least homophobic person you could meet, believe me). I was so utterly mortified and had to sneak back to apologise to the (rather gorgeous) nurse for her behaviour.

2old...I have just skimmed the link you gave me and it is so scarily accurate. So much of it rings true...the 'if you love me you would' is what she uses on my DC, as in 'if you loved me you would sleep with me tonight' (aimed at DD2 who didn't want to sleep in the bed with her when she was here, talk about setting her up for abuse when she's in relationships when she's older)rang a very recent bell.
I've saved it and will read it properly tomorrow.

HWL- you sounds like such a lovely person. I suspect your mother is very jealous of the wonderful relationship you have with your kids. You and your kids deserve much better- it's obviously only ever going to be a one way relationship.

Have you thought of joining your sister in Oz? It's nice down south and I think you'd love the freedom.

I'd love to but my oldest 2 would miss their Dad too much. I have nothing to keep me here at all. Maybe one day...