How can she still do this to me when I am 41?

[HappyWithLife]

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

HappyWithLife I have just wiggled out of spending Christmas with my mum because she, although lovely in many ways, is guaranteed to be selfish and stressful over the turkey. I can't bear to think of you and your DCs having a Christmas you've looked forward to ruined by your horrible mother - please please please tell her now that you are uninviting her. Making the phonecall or writing the letter will be hard, but the lovely sense of freedom and happiness for your family will surely make up for it?

"my mother's temper and moods are legendary and terrifying "

So you are still scared of her.

Trouble is, your DD2 has been abused by one person who she loved - her father, and now by someone who is supposed to love her - her Grandmother. Regardless of whether you knew abut the former or not, she will eventually blame you for not acting. So this time you have to prove yourself to your child - prove that you are her protector.

Long term, failure to stand up to your mother will result in you losing your daughter.

The answer to your OP title....BECAUSE YOU LET HER.

Dillinger...don't be anxious posting, you are spot on My mother is an Irish Catholic, and the guilt she heaps on her family is immense, so yes, I carry a huge amount around with me. I have stopped going to church (long story but in a nutshell I couldn't see how a God could allow such crappy things to happen) and am now happily without religion.
spursmummy...my oldest 2 are 16 and 13 and have both been through it with her, so they do all they can to protect DD2; if anything it makes them more protective of her.
I wasn't going to mention this and wouldn't in RL but DD2 was the result of marital rape at the hands of my animal of an exH (he went to trial for it). He was my second husband so my older 2 have a different Dad to her. My mother has never accepted her as a grandchild really, she views her as less of a family member than the others. When she sends letters etc to the children she addresses it to my older 2 and then scrawls DD2's name on the end in a different pen!
applebaum...I have an entirely different relationship with my children than my mother had with me. Lots of respect, love, affection and laughter. Went out for a walk the other day and my 16 year old daughter held my hand and my son linked my arm...we are very close

shongolo, obviously I didn't know what was happening with her father, and as soon as I did I took the children and went into hiding and contacted the police. He was charged,a nd went to trial so I did everything in my power to protect her.

Ok.

Your mum has ruined your childhood.

Do you want her to do the same to your dc?

Your dd2 has told you she is scared of her. That would be reason enogh for me to cut off contact.

You do not have to see her at xmas - or ever again - its your choice that you let her do this to you and, more worryingly, your dc.

I am sorry to sound so blunt, but you are a grown woman. Time to act like one.

Good luck x

happywithlife - so for everything you've been through, and so that you have been able, despite everything, to create a happy life for yourself and your DC. You're remarkable, and you deserve better than your rubbish excuse for a mother.

I can see from your posts that you have a loving relationship with your children. I am not suggesting for a nano second that you don't.

But you still seem afraid of this woman and guilty about 'upsetting' her.

It is a very difficult bond to break and habit to break. I know. My mother is a screaming fishwife when she is thwarted and has said some monstrous things to me. I cut contact with her two years ago too. It was a slow and painful break (for me) but now she cannot hurt me anymore or eventually do any damage to my son.

I realised in the end that she just didn't like me. She has favourites among her children and has divided us up perfectly with her wretched emotional craving knife. As a result I have contact with only one of my four siblings. And that is full of difficulties too as he was the kicked and abused one....until I got rid of her too.

It must be done though. I too am in my late forties.

What a terrible thing to have suffered at the hands of your exH. I am so sorry for you. You must be as brave as a lion though to have gone through all that and created a happy life for yourself.

Booting your mother out of your lives is easy and necessary compared to what you have been through. You can do it.

happywithlife I have had to step away from my mother recently, although compared to yours she only displayed low-level toxicity. My light-bulb moment was overhearing DH ask DS why I was in a bad mood, and the reply was, "She saw Nanny today."

The fact that my mother's unpleasant behaviour had become the norm for my family was a real shock. In the last couple of months, if she phones I'm 'just on my way out'. If she wants to meet up, I 'already have plans'. Communication is by text only, which means I have time to think before reacting.

Now she is trying to buy her way back in, promising DS1 a Superdry coat for xmas, etc. Her last text was, 'I suppose I will be alone this Christmas. How sad.' To which I replied, 'How peaceful and relaxing. We will be madly busy.'

I really think you should make a stand, especially as your dcs haven't had fantastic Christmases in the past. It's time for you and your family to make some happy memories. I also wouldn't spoil Boxing Day by inviting her then. You'll only have it hanging over you. If you have to see her why not meet somewhere neutral in the week between Christmas and New Year?

Happywithlife - you sound like an amazing person.

I agree with everyone, there is no place for this woman in your life, unless she radically changes.

Yes, she can do this to you when you are in your 40s because you allow her to, but you have little option - its that or cut her out of your life.

Time to take a deep breath and do the latter. She is doing more harm than good.

Your mother sounds as if she has a personality disorder. I can't imagine what it was like growing up with someone so unstable.

You can't change her, and your reactions to her are totally normal. You must protect yourself and your children

You are strong enough -- look at everything you've dealt with with no help at all from your mother. And you don't need an excuse. She has consistently treated you and your children appallingly and is not welcome in your house at Christmas or any other time.

You do not need to ever see her again.

You do not owe her anything.

You do not need to consider for one second putting her ahead of your DCs and their happiness.

Repeat as a mantra. And change your phone number.

Happy - you've just written "and as soon as I did I took the children and went into hiding and contacted the police"

So as soon as you knew your DD was being abused you left - bloody good on you. But now it's time to do it again. Your mother is Emotionally Abusing your DD, so it's time to leave again - the only difference is that this time you dont have to move - you just have to leave her control.

(I know it's hard babe, but you HAVE to do this - think how happy this Xmas will be without her)

"She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'."

Please get rid of her for this alone. And then make sure your poor DD knows how wonderful she is (I'm sure you do)

She sounds like a right pain - I agree, say you are having your own family xmas. Say no. I know how hard that is.

Turning 40 had a big impact on me in relation to my family - I thought "I cannot go on for the rest of my life putting up with this". I have started telling certain people that I can't handle their behaviour and don't want to pretend any more. Yes, the shit has hit the fan and tbh I haven't got as far with my mum as with my sister, but I feel much more free of the crippling feeling of guilt and duty towards people who actually don't give a shit about me (though they proclaim they do, when actually it's all about their neediness).

I think you're doing well. You must be doing a wonderful job as a mum because your DC have their heads screwed on and see your mum for what she is - that's great. Reinforce that by saying no to xmas, for their sake.

Happywithlife. Please dont ruin your childrens Christmas. Tell her no. Tell her you will not allow her to come and make your children miserable and sad, they way she just did. Tell her you will have NOTHING more to do with her. Dont let this vile woman abuse your precious children. Keep her away from them, please.

foundwanting...ah, this rings a bell. I was a bit grouchy with the DCs the day before she came, and when I said sorry (something else she never does) one of them said 'it's ok, I know it's because Nana is coming'.
I always get the 'I could be dead for all you would know or care' if I don't call her for a while, and she says she is in danger of forgetting how to talk because nobody bothers with her!
applebaum...she is and always has been ashamed of me, and disappointed in me. I am a single mother, 2 divorces, no career (but am building that up now), and at various points have been on benefits.
becaroo You're not being unduly blunt, I know I have to grow up and stop regressing back into childhood, I just haven't found a way of doing it yet.

You need to protect your children from her at the very least.

Do not allow her to come at Christmas, she'll ruin it for all and your kids deserve a happy day.

She sounds toxic and vile.

If I am right, and she is mentally unstable, then none of this is to do with you. Easy for me to say, but ....

You sound brilliant

I have this image of xmas this year that I don't want spoilt. I recently won a camcorder, a tiny little thing, and when we were looking through old photos yesterday I realised that we don't have many silly photos of me and the DC...so xmas is going to be loud, silly, lots of photos and videoing with my new toy. My mother is camera phobic and swears at anyone who goes near her with a camera so even that would be ruined. If you try and take a photo of her she will put something up in front of her face, or has been known to stick her fingers up at the camera (she is in her 70s).
I have bought a big bushy xmas tree and am going out this week to get lights/decs etc. Turkey is already in the freezer and I'm really looking forward to it

But it won't spoil all that, really. How about the idea of meeting for just a couple of hours in a pub or going for a walk - somewhere where you can leave when you choose. Does that sound a bit more manageable?

Sorry sorry - WRONG THREAD !!!!!!

She is not catholic in a true sense, she is an out and out bitch.

You should write telling her never to darken your door again. The relief when you do so will be immense. She is damaging your health and your children's health.

As their mother, you must stop her coming into your lives. It's your job to end this abuse, do it now.

No, she lives 40 miles away, and has to get about 4 buses in all, and they won't be running xmas day/boxing day. She proposes coming on 23rd and leaving whenever she feels like it, probably end up staying a week. It was the journey which started the whole episode off this time, because they didn't run on time/driver was rude/it was cold/took too long...
I don't have a car so can't pick her up.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but please put your dc first. If you allow her to your house for Christmas you are sacrificing your dc having a wonderful time and that would be excruciatingly unfair on them.

LOL Jamie....no problem.