How can she still do this to me when I am 41?

[HappyWithLife]

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

Happy with life - I think we X posted before. My post of 10:18:55 was meant for another thread. IGNORE

You really must make a stand, however hard it is. I was in bits at the thought of confronting my dementor-mother, but the relief and lightness I felt afterwards was such a revelation.

You sound like you've got a lot invested in making this year special and you know she will de-rail your plans if she can.

Write that letter now!

Then get on with planning for your best Christmas ever.

The 'forgetting how to talk' line made my smile. My mother is very fond of telling others that if they can't say anything nice, they shouln't say anything at all. She tried it on DD a couple years ago, who said, "If Nanny did that she would never say anything, ever."

OMG!
Have only read your original post.
The worst thing to hit me is what she's saying to your poor 6 year old dd. If anyone wound up my kids like that i'd not allow them anywhere near them That is awful for a child to hear, my dd's would be shattered!
I'm so sorry your Mum appears to be such a nasty person but if that was me, she would be nowhere near my kids!

just flicking other posts now, i agree with perfumedlife, it is your job to stop her abusing your kids, which is exactly what that is.

You know what? It's time to stop making excuses. I agree with the others, you must protect your children from the abuse. Take some tips from the Stately Homes thread, but don't leave this hanging, write and tell her that you don't want any more contact with her. Forget her coming for Xmas, it's not her choice, it's yours.

It is also in your power to meet up with your sister again before she goes home, without your mother. Just do it.
You mother will try to push herself in again, but you need to be strong, strong enough to shut a door in her face if needed, and call the police if she causes a scene.

Thread moving too fast for me!

Just read that she intends to stay. NO. NO. NO.

Please say you won't let this happen or I'll have to kidnap your DD and make her have Christmas with us.

Dear God, your mother wants to come on 23 December and stay until after Boxing Day? You and your DC will go insane having to put up with her actually staying with you.

I don't even understand why she wants to spend Christmas with you. She clearly doesn't like you or your DC so is it just that she has nowhere else to go, or does she enjoy being nasty to you?

LOL, one way or another I will be spending xmas with just the children. We have been looking forward to it for so long. I have less money than I have on previous years but just the whole being coccooned in the warm cosy house with no hassles and no abuse. Blissful.

You deserve it. You deserve to not have to worry about anyone else but you and your DCs. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe

So happy to hear that you and the DC will be without your awful mother this Christmas. Wishing you a lovely, lovely time.

And I hope that this is the last time your mother has the power or opportunity to upset you and your DC. Be strong, and don't let her into your lives again.

ttalloo, I have wondered this too. I think she actually gets a kick out of being cruel, although if you challenge her she says she is just having fun and we should lighten up .

Your children sound brilliant. Put them first and have the fun, messy, noisy Christmas that they and you deserve. The buzz you get from that will more than make up for any nastiness your mother gives you.

Your children will give you more love and support then you will ever get from your mother - stop looking for it from her because it's not going to happen. She is set in her ways and can't see that there's anything wrong, don't feel that because your sister has moved so far away that you have to somehow make up for it and include her. From reading what you've posted she has lost every single right to be included and has a bloody nerve (to say the least) to demand you accomodate her when she has not helped you when you've really needed it.

Your mum has a strange sense of humour. Is she related to Frankie Boyle, by any chance?

Oh please say anything, absolutely anything to her to stop her coming.

Tell her you've already arranged to be elsewhere on Xmas day. Tell her you're all ill. Tell her she's not welcome and you won't open the door to her. Tell her you'll frame her for some petty crime which will put her in a police cell for Xmas. Tell her anything to stop her ruining your children's Xmas.

spursmummy they are brilliant. They all tell me every day that they love me, and I'm the best mum in the world. I'm so proud of them.
As my oldest DD pointed out 'Nana paid more attention to the dog than she did to me or DD2. And she hates dogs.'

Jux....I will. It may be the cowards way out, making excuses but if that's what it takes then so be it.
One thing I have learnt is not to tell her what the children have asked for from me for xmas. I'll tell her how excited I am to be buying such and such for them, and then she'll go and buy it. Just to take the pleasure away from me.

Good. You are a fantastic mum to bring up 3 kids who love you like that despite all the rubbish you've been through.

It also sounds like you have done your level best to be a good daughter; you should hold your head up high and be proud that you have tried despite getting nothing back. Now it's time to stop banging your head against a brick wall and concentrate on your kids and what sounds like a good relationship with your sister and her family.

Another thing which upset me. I've been on anti depressants for the last 3 ish years, dosage was increased during the trial but over the last few weeks I have managed to wean myself off them. I'm on a negligible dose now and will, in a few days, stop them altogether and I feel great without them. When I told my mother, again seeking her approval I suppose, instead of saying 'oh well done happy, that must have been hard' she said 'I don't know what the bloody hell you were on those for anyway, you should have just stopped them in one go.' She saw it as a sign of weakness.

HWL what is the worst thing that could happen if you speak out - albeit in a letter.

• she will phone you to rant (you can put the phone down as you still have put your point across)

• she threatens to never see you again (bargain)

• SHe withdraws all love (you're no getting any now)

• SHe plays the guilt card (who would you rather feel guilty about - her feelings or your DCs).

Write the letter - we will help - and then let the fireworks be over and done with.

Be strong - let her know unequivocally that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she is not welcome for CHristmas - because of her behaviour. Oh and tell her you will meet her to discuss in the new year, but for now, you are done with her horrible, spiteful and bullying behaviour and you are not prepared to have her ruin your Christmas with her nastiness.

Well done for making the decision. You have been through so much and are such a good mother. You should be very proud of yourself, and it's no thanks whatsoever to your 'mither'. Your kids sound really special

spurs...it's exactly like banging my head against a brick wall, and I have such a headache from doing it. Enough's enough.
I have a great relationship with sis - she's off to Cuba tomorrow for a week, and my niece is supposed to be staying with my mum. Nah....I'm having her over here Friday to Monday as DD1 is off school with teacher training. She's 16 also, and would go insane stuck in the house with my mother. She is going shopping with DD1 on Friday all day, and then Saturday I may take them all (funds permitting) to see Harry Potter. Sunday my exH (first one) is coming over to see my oldest 2, and he's staying for Sunday dinner and to see my niece as she still thinks of him as her sort of uncle. See...even that was wrong, she didn't think I should be inviting ex to lunch, but we are good friends and for the DCs sake we have remained so.

She is cruel. Something happened to her to make her like that. Whatever it was, it wasn't you. It's not your responsibility to make her happy.

Jamie...I actually think there is something wrong with her mentally. She will moan that she has nobody to talk to and nobody cares, and then will say in the same breath that her friend has been ringing her all day. I will ask what she had to say and she will answer that she doesn't know, she couldn't be bothered answering the phone to listen to 'that woman' wittering on and depressing her

While you're thinking "enough's enough" you need to write that letter and post it before you change your mind again. If you make up an excuse why she can't come a) she will despise you even more for lying if she ever finds out and b) it won't solve anything and this will be hanging over you for even longer, and it'll make it even harder for you to cut contact. I'm so sorry for you because this must be so hard but you do not have to put up with her as she constantly drags you down. Listen to your children, you are brilliant, you must believe them and not listen to her.