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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can she still do this to me when I am 41?

142 replies

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 08:45

My mother has just ruined my sister's visit for me and I'm furious. I haven't seen my sis for years as she lives in Oz, although we are very close, so I was so excited to be seeing her and my niece over the weekend even though me and the DC have all been ill with flu. They had to catch a couple of buses to get here which was just a nightmare...mum shouting at me down the phone because the driver had been rude, didn't go where he was supposed to etc.
Anyhoo, to cut a long story short me and kids had to go and meet them at the bus station, by which time she was in such a foul mood that she ignored me and ignored my 2 DDs, but made a huge fuss of my DS (she is a female misogynist, always has been, can't stand women). Bear in mind I haven't seen my mother in 2 years, precisely for this reason.
We got a bus back to mine, and she spent the entire journey saying very loudly that the town was horrible, and that local people were rude and horrible...people were all staring at her as she ranted. I wanted to die, as I live here and knew some of these people.
We got home, and I opened a bottle of wine even though it was only lunchtime. She always always has thiss effect on me. Me and sis started reminiscing and I recounted a story where my mum got drunk at my son's holy communion and started pole dancing around the swing in the garden. She went mad, and shouted at me that I was a fecking lying cow! In front of my children, my sister and my niece.
Later on she shouted at me to 'get bloody lost' because I said that I felt sorry for Cher on X Factor, as she's only 17 and this is her dream and if it was my DD it would break my heart to see her crying on stage like that.
Them we were in the local shop and my son asked me for a tube of pringles. I said no as we already had crisps and stuff in the basket. My mother dragged him off and put 2 tubes in his arms. I said to him that I had said no and she got right in my face and said 'well I said yes', then when I tried to protest she told me to shut my face. I'm forty bloody one FFS.
She spent the whole time winding my 6 year old up, telling her she had a huge bum etc, and 'ooh, who's this ugly girl here, oh it's x'.
I'm really angry that she can still affect me this way. I've managed to stay away from her for a couple of years now, but couldn't avoid her this weekend.
I'm convinced that she is the reason I end up in abusive relationships, because I have spent my entire life being treated like shit by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally.

OP posts:
spursmummy · 23/11/2010 11:04

When you do something great like cutting out your ADs come on here and tell everyone and you'll get all the praise you deserve Smile

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/11/2010 11:16

Happy, read and post on the Stately Homes thread and gather up to courage to tell your mum she is not coming to you at Christmas. You have precious few Christmas's left before your DCs start leaving home, do not allow her to wreck another one. Do not give an excuse (this will give her something to argue about). Just say no and leave it at that.

You sound like a brilliant mum. You have done everything to protect your DCs in the past. It has been hard for you but you know that the hard decisions you have taken in the past have benefitted you and your DCs greatly. This is another of those hard decisions, but once you make it you will feel so much freer and even HappierWithLife.Smile

Anniegetyourgun · 23/11/2010 11:34

You might want to consider whether it is possible to go away for Christmas, in fact. Or at least be out all day on the 23rd when there is a distinct possibility that she will turn up on the doorstep with a suitcase and you'll have the fun job of turning your own mother away in the street, or of course, more likely not being able to do so. Despite her appalling example, you've managed to grow up with a kind heart and a sense of decency.

You know, a nasty person doesn't stop being nasty just because they gave birth. Anything you owed her for that little incident has been more than paid for over the years by the way she treated you.

I apologise for what I'm going to say next because it's a bit near the knuckle and also rather presumptious, but I'm going to say it anyway and then wince a little. As I remember your story, you actually took a long time to realise you were being sexually abused by your XH. However you did recognise immediately when he tried it on with your baby that this was totally wrong. That it was a child at all is horrifying, that it was his own child is incomprehensible. But: that your own boundaries didn't kick in when he abused you has to be partly at least because of the legacy of that charming woman who brought you up. Giving you low self-esteem, showing you how little you deserved, making you desperate for anything that could be construed as love. Effectively, she groomed you for abuse. And now she's doing it again, to your children. Just as horrifying that a parent could view his child sexually, is that a parent could deliberately and systematically destroy their child's psyche. Here you are, forty years on, unable to say "cut that out" to a spiteful old woman. She undermines your parenting in public. You had to listen to your baby having her confidence ripped up, insulted, belittled in your and her own home - your sanctuary. Make no mistake, what she is still doing to you and what she's trying to do to your children is as bad as what that rapist bastard was up to. It's insidious, it's your own mother and it's been a background to your whole life, so of course it is terribly hard for you to recognise it for what it truly is. If she simply slapped the little girl across the face by way of greeting you'd see it for what it was and have no trouble taking action. But she does it with words.

Thank God (not her God - the one I was brought up to believe in, the one who loves all children and loathes abuse - well ok, thank your father's genes!) you grew up not too badly damaged to be a terrific parent yourself. Her horrible influence will be outweighed by your loving one. I still don't think that justifies subjecting a little girl to part-time abuse. No adult should ever speak to a child that way, let alone her own grandmother. She's not very good for the others either, as you realise (still sizzling about the crisps incident, "Well I say yes", they're not your bloody children ffs!!! ). But you have some trouble seeing that you have a right to put a stop to it - a right and, I would insist, a duty.

One day you will be able to say "Fuck off out of my life, you poisonous old bitch". But for now, a polite note saying "I'm afraid we will not be able to put you up at Christmas", with the added precaution of not opening the door on the 23rd, should suffice!

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 12:07

Annie...don't apologise for what you said. It's all absolutely true. I know I put up with all the abuse for so long from HIM because of what I had grown up with, I know that. Everything you said is spot on. It's being able to do something about it. I know I have to put a stop to it. And I did for a good couple of years. And it would have been a long long time til I saw her again had it not been for my sister's visit.
Have to take DD to the dr now but will be back later.

OP posts:
Jux · 23/11/2010 12:17

Bravo Annie.

Can your sister just stay with you next time? Cut out the bitch old dear altogether.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/11/2010 12:33

Thanks for not being cross HWL

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 12:53

Jux, I'd love that but we live out in the sticks a bit, and sis wants to visit her friends etc and I don't have a car. I know I'm not going to get the chance to see her on her own before she goes back to Oz; we tried having a talk at 6am the other morning before everyone else got up but the mother person was lurking behind the door and listening to what we were saying.

Annie...course I'm not cross Smile, I'm touched that you remember me and our story. And yes, after everything we've been through this should be a walk in the park.

Somebody asked how my Dad coped with her. He was incredibly tolerant and easy going (thankfully I get my personality from him)and I want to scream when she goes on about how much she misses him...she gave him a torrid time, she was a complete b*tch to him, even when he was dying of cancer she wouldn't let his sisters come in the house to spend time with him...he had to go and walk around town with them just so they could say goodbye.

OP posts:
msboogie · 23/11/2010 12:56

She does it because she gets away with it.

I asssume the last thing hour sister would have wanted was for her to accompany thme on the journey. So she is as under the thumb as you are. I don't for a second underestimate how monstrous your mother's behaviour would have been had any alternative been suggested.

I was half way through your first post OP when I was telling myself I bet this woman is Irish. There is a horrible toxic element to the Irish psyche that manifests in this way and I recognised it straght off. My own grandmother was exactly the same.

I am sure you know that she will never, can never, change.

Please please protect your children from this malign and toxic influence. Please give yourselves the lovely Christmas you deserve.

How many Christmases will you have with your children before they are grown up and living their own lives? Not that many. This one is a very precious one. Don't deny them and yourself the peace and happiness they deserve.

Write to her and tell her to stay away. Chnage your phone number and leave her to her own devices. There is no shame in this. It is the right thing to do. She is incapable of understanding why you would do so, of course, and will see it as you throwing a lifetime of sacrifice and wonderful parenting back in her face. That is her problem, not yours.

Now is the time OP, to grow up and take responsibility for your own, and your childrens', happiness. if you don't you will be sixty years old and still in the same position.

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 13:07

msboogie...yes my sister is as much controlled by her as I am. Mt brother, however, has always escaped this (again the misogynist coming out). And yet he's the one who has given her trouble...been in prison, into drink and drugs, run away from home...and yet he is by far her favourite, just as my son is. (I hasten to add that my brother is lovely now).
My sister is now 50, so her hold doesn't loosen at all, and yes, I am headed the same way.

OP posts:
Igglybuff · 23/11/2010 13:30

Happy have just read the thread. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

Cutting your mum out is a big big mountain to climb. You can do it if you take small steps, working towards that goal.

Perhaps start with Xmas? Can you take control by offering to pay for a taxi to get her to come after Xmas - perhaps the Monday. Then she can't complain about the buses and you can set the tone of the holiday.

This is just a suggestion - I've struggled with my relationship with my mum and find it hard to stand up to her. I have gradually withdrawn since having DS and am ashamed to say have just made excuses for not seeing her but it gives me head space.

Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2010 13:34

Hi,

TBH it doesn't matter what nationality she is; that is immaterial.

Don't go the same way; it is within your power not to go down that route. Your sister escaped by going to Australia putting physical as well as mental distance between her and her mother.

How would you feel about counselling for your own self, would you do this for you?. There's a lot of stuff that you've absorbed that you need to unlearn.

You can free yourself from the invisible walls your mother put up around you as a child. Personality disordered or otherwise she is making a choice to act like this and you have sucked it up to date.

You do not need her approval and she would never give this anyway. People from dysfunctional families play roles; your role was the scapegoat for her ills. That role has done you a lot of damage.

FoundWanting · 23/11/2010 13:38

No, you are not headed the same way. Not if you make a stand now.

Your sister has chosen not to confront the problems with your mother by moving to the other side of the world. My sister has done exactly the same, and I don't blame her a bit.

You clearly have great inner strength to have gone through all you have with only a few happy pills to take the edge off (huge congratulations on weaning yourself off ADs, by the way. Truly remarkable.). You can and must get this woman's evil influence out of your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2010 13:38

Please do not have her over at Christmas at all, certainly don't give the woman a taxi to visit your home!. Your home is your sanctuary.

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 13:42

Hi Attila...yes I would consider counselling, absolutely. And when I am more financially able it is something which I intend to pursue.
Igglybuff...I just couldn't afford to pay for a taxi for her and I'd begrudge paying it as that money could be spent on a present for the children.

OP posts:
HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 13:45

You don't know how right you are in saying that our home is our sanctuary. I just love the peace and happiness when all the DCs are in and I shut the front door and lock it. There is very little mobile signal here so I can (and often do) ignore the phone when it's her and then blame it on the signal.

OP posts:
becaroo · 23/11/2010 13:48

happy Just typed a massive post and bloody lost it! aarrgh..

I do empathise with you. I too have an irish catholic background and my childhood was prtetty toxic.

Know when I changed??? When I had my dc. They can do what they want to me but they will not harm my dc.

I still see my family but on my terms.

Dh, me and the dc spend xmas on our own. Its lovely. We see other family members over xmas when we can.

I cant tell you how much better and less stressful my life has been since I lessened contact with them. It made me sad to start with but its been great.

Please do not have this woman in your home at xmas. Your dc may never forgive you. You are their mother and you should put them first - this awful woman should be way down on your list of priorities.

Your GP should be able to arrange counselling for you on the NHS

xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2010 13:48

As I have said before BACP have a list of counsellors and they don't charge the earth to see them. Counselling may have been regarded as a dirty word when you were growing up in that house but you're in your own home now and are an adult (although you revert to being a child in your mother's toxic prescence).

I reckon you also do not challenge her at all then because you are still even at 41 too afraid of the witch. You do not want to be too afraid of her at 42; if you do not set up something you will always be afraid of her and thus still have her in your life.

You can reclaim your life but you're the one who has to do it. No-one else will do that for you. Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward; it only costs a few pounds and it will be money well spent.

FoundWanting · 23/11/2010 13:54

Could you speak to your GP about getting referred to a counsellor?

I don't know how it works, but a friend who had been taking ADs long term was sent to a cognitive behaviour therapist by her doctor and she seemed to really benefit from it.

msboogie · 23/11/2010 14:14

It is irrelevant what nationality the woman is but it does add a certain context here, I believe.

Why don't you ask your GP OP? You deserve a bit of help to reclaim yourself after everything you have been through. It will benefit your kids too, in the long run.

Xales · 23/11/2010 14:34

I disagree with everyone else.

Let her come and stay because you don't want to cause upset by saying no.

Let her be a completely mean bitch and ruin your six year old daughters christmas by being mean and nasty to her.

Let her spoil your eldest two and ignore your younger one, probably buying them nice presents and her crap/nothing.

Let her spend christmas undermining you and treating you like shit.

Now take a long look at your daughter. Imagine the difference to her over christmas if you say no and have the christmas you planned.

If you don't have the strength to break the cycle of abuse for yourself.

DO IT FOR HER!!!!!!

You had no one there to protect you as a child, you are the one there to protect her from the same shitty treatment.

Jux · 23/11/2010 15:44

When my cousin comes over from Oz she hires a car. It's cheaper than the combined cost of public transport/taxis etc she would need and makes life easier for her and for everyone she visits.

Maybe your sis could do that? My cousin is a single parent with 3 children and does not have an easy time of it by the way, but she builds the cost of the car hire into the total cost of the visit as a matter of course.

tb · 23/11/2010 17:39

Please don't have her in your home for Christmas. I can understand it would be hard for you to do it for yourself, but would it be easier to do it for your dd?

I know how difficult it is to assert yourself, my own mother is toxic. She sent both me and her younger sister to paedophiles.

Could you find somewhere to go away? A cottage, perhaps with friends ?

I was advised to write a letter of confrontation, I was too scared to do it face to face.

The idea is that for each significant event, you describe it, say how you felt about it, and then what affect it has had in your life.

At the end, you say what sort of relationship you want with the person in the future, if any at all.

Even if you don't send it, do try writing it. I did it with a huge pot of coffee, a new fountain pen and Leonard Cohen's 'New skin for the old ceremony' playing on constant repeat - but I've always liked his music.

In my case, it backfired somewhat, she took out a 100% reversionary policy on her home, but I suppose in the long term it's a small price to pay for peace - I've not seen her for 18 years.

Please find a way to just have Christmas with your dc or with them and friends.

Good luck

Igglybuff · 23/11/2010 17:44

Happy - I understand. I guess I'm just suggesting a way of controlling how it goes if you can't come up with a way of stopping her coming.

ninah · 23/11/2010 17:59

happy so sorry to hear this, your mother sounds devastating. not in a good way. I'd agree with those who say make christmas your own. You have nothing to apologise or feel guilty for by giving the dc the happy family Christmas they need.
I think you have done brilliantly, didn't realise the thread was you at first but noticed it was well written Wink
Don't let this kind of nastiness spoil the good life you are building for you and dc
Does your mother step up the nastiness by any chance when things show signs of improving for you? it's almost as if she likes everyone around her to feel crushed

HappyWithLife · 23/11/2010 18:07

Hey Ninah (waves), yes it's me! She doesn't like things to be going well for me, no, although it's not something I could pinpoint, just a subtle shift in attitude.
Igglybuff....no it was a good suggestion, but it's out of the question for me because I can't afford it and because I'd rather spend the money on the DC.

OP posts: