Help needed in a seperation

[SimonHoward]

Where to start?

The begining I suppose. And with the facts.

After almost 6.5 years together, and 5 of them being married, my wife and I are in the early/middle stages of seperating. She decided earlier this year to finally tell me why the physical side of our relationship had always been terrible after the first few months, and that was because she was a lesbian and didn't like men but had been too scared of what people would say if she admitted it.

So the situation is this, I have a job that I cannot keep up if my wife moves out as I cannot pay the bills and pay for childcare and I will not let her take our daughter with her as she is going to end up renting a room and that is it due to her unwillingness to do what needs to be done to support herself and also a complete lack of money sense or the abilty to control her spending.

I can't even afford to pay all the bills on my salary alone so I will probably have to sell my house and move myself and my daughter back in with my mother (who knows how long for).

The main thing I would like advice on if anyone has any is what legally can I do with the equity from the sale of the house as even before DD arrived the money my wife contributed usually only just covered the food and the outstanding debts she had built up before meeting me that I paid off for her, and since DD's arrival what she contributes does not even cover the food bill each month.

As she is the one that after all this time has suddenly sprung these changes on me is there any way I can hold onto more than 50% of the equity as I want to try to save the money and use it towards the deposit for a new place of my own so DD and I have our own house/flat.

Thanks for any advice in advance.

If I was religious I'd praise god for working a miracle.

As it is I'll just praise common sense and my mother in law and her sister.

My wife came back from a night over at her mothers today and offered me a very tearful appology for all the things she has put me through in the last 2-3 weeks.

We have now gone back to the original amicable agreement with a few minor changes.

I'm just hoping this lasts.

SimonHoward - fortunately He does not only dole out miracles to believers! Great news

Great, Simon. I hope it lasts.

If I were you I would still consult a solicitor anyway. Legal representation doesn't equal hostility - in fact it sometimes saves there being any hostility.

If your wife has one then you are in a weak position without one.

Sorry to sound like a pessimistic grouch, but it sounds like emotional swings and roundabouts on all sides, so I'd definitely not count on it lasting. If she has any sense at all, your wife will listen just as carefully to her lawyer as to her mum. She will, naturally, want the best possible deal for herself in terms of custody of your daughter and a good financial settlement. If your wife is retaining her lawyer then you still need your own separate legal advice, for the reasons janstar mentioned. As she says, it may even help the whole process remain amicable.

For once I just wish all the news I get in a week is good.

My x2b told me earlier this week that she is going back to work part time (which is what she did previously) as she has realised how short of cash she will be without it. This is good news (I hope)

Bad news is my g/f has asked if we can still be friends but doesn't want us as a couple right now. So I'm back to being single again.

Still there is one little lady in my life that always has a kiss and a cuddle for me and makes me smile.

The best news is though we have arranged the sale for the house and that is going ahead very smoothly as no estate agents are involved. Now all I have to do is spend loads of my free time redecorating and sorting out my mothers house.

Sorry about the girlfriend Simon, she may have a change of heart in a while? Do you have a buyer for your house or are you just selling it privately? and good news that x2b has realised that she actually is going to have to pull her weight a bit on the money front.

Private sale lilibet.

And they agreed on a moving date that is just right for all concerned and far enough in advance that I can get most of my mothers house sorted out before I move in.

I hope she does have a change of heart but I think it may be a long long time before it happens.

If I knew what sort of timespan was involved I'd be happy to wait but it's not knowing what is happening or if there is ever going to be a change back that is a real worry to me. I'm no spring chicken and don't want to wait for ages just to find out I have wasted my time.

Well it looks like I wasted my time.

My now ex-g/f used the time and space I gave her to sort out her life to move on to another guy. . Got lied to and played for a fool.

On the house sale front things are going well.

On the seperation bit the X2B is still being very reasonable.

Can anyone say why it can't all go right for once at the same time?

Bad luck Simon.

Have to say this brought back memories of teenager relationships (yuk! ). Perhaps things will go right one at a time from now on.

Well, my dh was pretty much single for four years after his ex left - two of those years as a single parent to his dd. But then he met lovely ME! And I am, of course, well worth waiting for So don't worry about the 'spring chicken' element etc etc - things will happen in their own time.
Anyway, you've got enough on your plate right now. Good luck with it all.

Maybe not lied to Simon...it is just as hard for a woman to break off a relationship as it is for a man. I have been known to use the 'It's not you, it's me' line, to make things easier for a man, when I really wanted to say 'I don't like the way you kiss, so you make my skin crawl'.

It might be that she felt nicer asking for some space, and hoped that you would 'get the message' that she wasn't interested It's never nice feeling let down, but you sound a lovely guy, so keep looking.

Bad luck with the GF Simon, perhaps it's just as well she dropped out now, if she wasn't committed.
It's a lot to expect someone to take on, especially with hassel from an ex still in tow !!
Believe me, I've been the new woman,I really had to make my mind up, if I wanted to stick with DH (then BF), or not.
Perhaps you'll find the right one next time !!

Simon, So VERY sorry to hear all this news. Not been on line for ages but My husband & I separated Just over a year ago under devasting circumstances to me. So I have some recent knowledge of the feelings you go through, the arguments, pain & some legal info I hope it helps & hope I don't sound like a know all, because i'm truly not I'm just sharing what i've recently gained knowledge of.
WARNING QUITE A LONG POST! HOPE ITS OF BENEFIT THOUGH

1. grounds for divorce. you only have to wait the 2 years seperation if neither of you has grounds. You situation shows grounds on both parties actually.

Don't take offence to this please - adultery is commited when you are married regardless if the marriage is deemed over. I was quite surprised when my solicitor told me this too but it seems the law only recognises marriage or divorce no in between! So even if you & your wife had been seperated for 10 years, if either of you have sexual relations with another person before you are divorced then adultery has been committed. So she has gronds to divorce you. You also have grounds to divorce her on 'unreasonable behaviour' or 'irriconciable differences' (excuse spelling) i'm sure you can work out why yourself so i won't explain.
SO BASICALLY IF YOU BOTH WANT TO MAKE IT LEGAL YOU CAN DO. If you can both agree on the many arrangements you need to work out you can divorce without a solicitor but at least have a consultation to check your rights before hand.

2. house split etc. I was informed that becuase I would be having the children living with me & my potential earings would be affected by this then divorce law would be able to change ownership of the house, ie I will get 75% my x2b 25%.

3. assistance for whom ever has the children & continues to work....When my husband & I were together I reduced from full-time employment to part-time after the birth of ds1. So my salary was a great deal reduced. Therefore when he left me I was financially in the C**P! but it turned out that by increasing my working hours up to 16 hours it opened various door to assistance for me. I am now entitled to help with childcare costs & extra income from the new working tax credit (70% of my childcare is paid by the tax credit) This was a great help in getting me sorted to support my sons. I now work part-time & have the children with me. They stay with their dad every other weekend (it was he's request for this amount of access as he moved a great distance away & hard for him to do more regular).
   Whom ever has yr daugther 'live' with them would also be entitled to maintence from the other parent but unless you can amically work this out it get horrid.

Also, some emotional advise...you know yourself better than anyone but the best advise i was given at the break-up of my marriage was don't rush into anything else straight away you may feel your thinking straight but mostly your not. That was so true.

I'm glad to say my x2b & me have managed to work things out quite well. I was a bit distraught at the start due to the circumstances he ended our marriage & i acted quite badly at certain times, but my main concern was our children & i wanted to do right by them, so as easy as it was to lay the blame with my husband because it was all his doing (& the other woman) I NEVER NEVER SLAGGED HIM OR HER OFF IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. The way i looked at it, if they did stay together for the rest of their lives my sons would meet her & still see their dad so i didn't want to tarnish their thoughts toward these 2 people who could end up being a very big part of their lives, (hope that makes sense).

Well finally it may interest you to know that now a year on both adhereing to our self sorted arrangement I am applying for divorce. We have talked about it & because everything is amicably agreed already the solicitors have very little to do so it will be a non-contested divorce & cost the minimum fees. The only hic-up is i am divorcing him for adultery & i was advised by my solicitor that even though this is the truth of the matter many parties get a bit funny about it when it is there in writing blaming them. My solicitor advised me to discuss this with my husband, which i did & he was abit, NO WAY I DON'T WANT THAT. but we spoke it over & as it means divorce can happen & the truth is no-one really gets to see the paperwork that says he committed adultery (ie friends, family, children) he agreed it was silly to stop the motion that would put a line under our marriage so we could both move on just because of a word.

I hope this helps & that things are ok with you all.

Hi Simon, glad you are posting since you have been missed, I am sure I speak for many when I say I was wondering how things were going for you.

Sorry about the girlfriend, perhaps the situation was too complicated for her. But the good news is that your x2b is being reasonable and so your everyday life is tolerable, and your dd living in a peaceful environment, so that is a big plus.

I hope you can feel better soon and move on to happier times.

Ladies thanks for all the kind words.

As it is my X2B and I had a chat last night about things.

As much as I want to be able to see my daughter and be a part of her life I always knew things would be difficult once we have spereated fully and with the house sale going through fairly soon I needed to go through my feelings and sort something out.

In the end I looked at what I could offer against what I was going to have to ask my X2B to do just so that I had access to my DD whenever I wanted to and I found myself wanting too much in return for what I think is too little.

My X2B is in a relationship and her new partner and she have been racking their brains as to how they can carry it on as it is long distance one and neither of them has much money.

So after much soul seeking and not a few tears in my eyes I told my X2B that whilst I still want to see my daughter as much as possible that I will not cause any fuss if she decides to move up to be with her new partner.

As for the divorce we have not discussed that agin but if it so comes to it then I'll sort something out where we can do it quicker hopefully.

Hopefully from here it will be onwards and upwards.

Message withdrawn

ty ladies

Well things started to go better and then got confusing.

My ex-g/f and I have now started talking and realise that bad communication was what caused our troubles to start with.

Trouble was I had just sort of started seeing someone else. They have been very good and told me to find out if I still am in love with my ex-g/f and if I am then she will understand.

Why is life so complicated?

You're just a babe magnet aren't you Simon?

Yep i can feel the force pulling me.....trying....to....resist....Simon

Only joking!

Hope things work out for the best Simon, have not posted before but have read all of your thread and you seem like a really nice bloke!

Good Luck !

lillibet and jemma7

If only I was a babe magnet.

Last thing in the world I am is that.

Just always seems to happen all at once. And this is not the first time either, 4 weeks after first meeting my x2b another woman I didn't think was interested plainly put the proposition to me asking if I wanted to bed her, if only it had been 5 weeks earlier

SimonHoward, glad to hear you are back on good terms with ex, but didn't you say she was gay? That isn't bad communication in my book, but a bit of a mismatch (sorry don't mean to sound glib), do think carefully before making any decisions!

CD, it's the ex-WIFE who's gay, the ex-GIRLFRIEND just lives abroad and is indecisive, the current girlfriend we have little information on at present. Do try to keep up

BTW Simon, hope it all works out for you

Oh durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sorry SH!!!