Help needed in a seperation

[SimonHoward]

Where to start?

The begining I suppose. And with the facts.

After almost 6.5 years together, and 5 of them being married, my wife and I are in the early/middle stages of seperating. She decided earlier this year to finally tell me why the physical side of our relationship had always been terrible after the first few months, and that was because she was a lesbian and didn't like men but had been too scared of what people would say if she admitted it.

So the situation is this, I have a job that I cannot keep up if my wife moves out as I cannot pay the bills and pay for childcare and I will not let her take our daughter with her as she is going to end up renting a room and that is it due to her unwillingness to do what needs to be done to support herself and also a complete lack of money sense or the abilty to control her spending.

I can't even afford to pay all the bills on my salary alone so I will probably have to sell my house and move myself and my daughter back in with my mother (who knows how long for).

The main thing I would like advice on if anyone has any is what legally can I do with the equity from the sale of the house as even before DD arrived the money my wife contributed usually only just covered the food and the outstanding debts she had built up before meeting me that I paid off for her, and since DD's arrival what she contributes does not even cover the food bill each month.

As she is the one that after all this time has suddenly sprung these changes on me is there any way I can hold onto more than 50% of the equity as I want to try to save the money and use it towards the deposit for a new place of my own so DD and I have our own house/flat.

Thanks for any advice in advance.

And the people who lose most out of these situations are the children. It's so sad that people can't just talk to each other and be reasonable. I have just shelled out £10,000 in legal costs to protect my daughters from their pervert father. We had to defend or the truth would not have come out and he would have obtained a court order forcing us to let them go and stay at his house. He, of course, had legal aid. And nothing you could ever say would alert him to the fact that that was £10,000 that could have been spent on the children he 'loves so much'.

Some people are just never going to get it whatever you do.

Tigermoth

My wife does not care about the cost, she is totally oblivious to money matters which is why I have always ended up bailing her out.

She is also usually pretty bad at thinking things through and what the consequences are if she does things.

To be honest I think she is now so far into wanting this house all to herself that she wouldn't care what happened.

I still don't get how she can do this though when it is her that wanted out of the marriage and is the one that has changed her mind about what she wants after 5.5+ years of us being together.

If she was moving out though I'd happily get a lodger in.

Aloha

I'm not even sure if she knows what her solicitor is actually even doing on he behalf, she has this idea that she can get the house all on her own and that is all that will be in her mind. I asked her exactly what her solicitor was writting to me about and she could not tell me as she cannot grasp complex ideas easily when told to her (sorry to make it sound like I'm being nasty but the truth is my wife is not the sharpest tool in the box and has real trouble remembering anything).

I'm waiting to see what is written in the letter before I contact her solicitor as I have a suspicion she has been a bit econommical with the truth about somethings and likely to have forgotten to mention things that may not look so good for her.

Janstar

Sorry to hear you had to spend so much.

I have to admit I'm dreading ending up in the situation where I'm heavily in debt and still loose the house.

Just doesn't seem fair when I have been happy to try to work things out amicably that I'm the one that is likely to loose everything.

As it is I've already had to sell off some personal possesions in readiness for the house sale that is not going on as there was not going to be room in my mothers house for them.

Simon

It does get better - you have bad bits and good bits.

Try and secure as much overnight access as you can and then the court will have to also ensure that you will have adequate accommodation.

Usually they split things 50/50 - hoping that both parties have enough for a deposit for somewhere else. If this is not the case they will often let the resident parent stay in the house until the child is out of full time education.

I am not sure how big your house is but my husband has our nice 4 bed detached all to himself and the solicitor has assured me that there is no chance of that continuing - they will tell him he can do just as well in a two bedroom place. (So I may actually get enough to pay off my debts from this crap in the long run!!)

To be honest even with your wifes background and her being crap with money I cannot see the court awarding you residency - do not in any case leave the house - stay there even when things get bad. I think the whole thing will be decided on the fact that your wife has been the main day to day carer whilst you have been working long hours.

I know it sounds incredibly unfair to you but I have just been told that CAFCASS could not say one way or the other as to who should have residency of my daughter - I actually have her for more days in the month and most of the days are actually when I am at home - my husband on the other hand only has her 4 days a week and for all of those he is at work - is crap and I do not understand it but at the end of the day what everyone tells me (I hope) is true that they will make sure they decide what is best for my daughter.

Anyway I am off to court next week so at least should be able to tell you what happens there if you ever get to that stage.

It isn't fair SH. I agree. Wait and see what her solicitor says and don't leave the house.
Boe, good luck!

My wife must really think I'm dumb.

She has asked me if she sues for divorce would I agree to her claiming it was because of me commiting adultery if we didn't specifically name anyone else. I told her in no uncertain terms that the answer was no but that I would go for the irreconsilable differences if she wanted to do it that way.

Is it normal for people to start getting this mad when relationships break down?

She's probably not mad at all but just, understandably, wants to divorce you as soon as she possibly can. All divorces are granted on the basis of "the irretrievable breakdown of marriage" on one of 5 grounds. There are only 2 grounds in law for instant divorce- adultery or unreasonable behaviour. The other 3 grounds for divorce in England (desertion, 2 years separation with consent, 5 years separation without consent) involve a 2 - 5 year wait before the divorce comes through.

The facts seem to sit well with her claiming adultery given that you started another relationship while married and living in the family home, so if you too want an instant divorce it may be worth agreeing. The fact that you have committed adultery should have no bearing on child-custody or financial settlements. Nor will it help either of you to gain advantage in these areas if you divorce her on the ground of unreasonable behaviour or vise versa.

There is a very good site explaining divorce law here . Have you sought any legal advice yet?

Simon, she sounds really confused to me, jumping from one idea to the next, just clutching at straws. In the end she will just do whatever her solicitor tells her to do and as long as you stay where you are till its legally sorted out there is nothing much more that you can do. Perhaps as Boe suggests you could agree to joint custody and splitting the house, that way you still have your dd for half the week and can keep an eye on how you wife is coping. I hope your solicitor can sort things out with hers and do whatever is best for your dd.

You may well find that without your support your wife cannot cope with looking after dd and you maybe able to become her main carer eventually.

Wishing you the best of luck

Scummymummy

I have tried to avoid going into specifics about what my wife and I may have done but she is the last one to throw the accusation of adultery around as in the time we have either been in an open relationship or in the process of seperating she has tried to have relationships with 5 or 6 women. I'm not saying I'm blameless and I openly admit to my g/f but I only started going out with her after my marriage had already broken down to the point where we had already discussed how to seperate and when, but amicably.

As for the divorce, I have no reason to want a quick divorce and was more than happy with waiting for 2 years of seperation before we started things off. So was my wife originally. As it is all the talk of divorce came from my wife as she is the one that wanted out and wanted a new life style.

Girly

The splitting of the house due to me loosing my well paid job was what started this all off. My wife is not interested in splitting it at all. She wants it all.

As for doing what her solicitor tells her, I totally agree and think that is what she has been doing so far but I refuse to make it easy for her when she started this all off and now seems to expect me to burden the cost of her decisions about the lifestyle she wants to lead.

Sobernow

At the moment I think she is doing it to be shot of me as soon as she can and I still don't know what has set this all off when everything was going along at a nice pace and totally amicably.

If no adultery took place she will not be able to divorce you on that ground against your will, so don't worry. You may have committed adultery in a technical legal sense, however, even if you are morally blameless as you imply. Your wife, on the other hand, hasn't, since adultery is not considered to have occured in family law unless the sexual liaison is with someone of the opposite sex. You may be able to cite unreasonable behaviour on her part though. All this is only relevant if one or both of you want a quick divorce- an understandable wish for people who have grown so far apart. It seems that, ludicrously, the law still requires one or other partner to officially "take the blame" in order for a quick divorce to go through, though this should have no bearing on subsequent arrangements for children and money, as I said before. In fact, some couples barter it out by eg: not contesting an unreasonable behaviour claim in return for the other party paying the costs of the divorce. I would guess that rather more get embroiled in acrimonious allegations and counter-allegations though. I agree with sobernow that some mediation sessions would be a good idea, as it sounds like you have quite different ideas about what you want to do but obviously you will both have to want to participate if it is to work. If either or both of you want to go the acrimonious route instead you had better make sure you have a good lawyer.

Simonhoward I am so sorry things are going the way they are, what a nightmare for you.
Hope things work out ok in the end.
Sorry but I really have to ask this question and please forgive me if it comes across as being in bad taste but why did you ever marry such a simpleton?
Again apologies if this does not make you laugh or at least smile

ScummyMummy

I totally agree on the needing a good lawyer bit. Hopefully my wife will agree to the unreasonable behaviour/irreconsilable differences bit with her admitting she is the one that wants out and we can get it done quickly that way.

To be honest I'm now starting to dread coming home as I really don't know what else I will walk into.

Jasper

I did smile. The reason was love. They say love is blind well in my case it was also seriously dumb.

Aaah, Simon, the "L" word! At least you are not a tired old cynic like me

As soon as I posted that last message I felt a right prat and wished I hadn't.

SO relieved you smiled.

Jasper

I feel like a tired old cynic with a serious case of paranoia now but I know I will deal with it.

Simon, come on I know you better than that!

Well looks like I'm not paranoid, there are people out to get me.

The wife just tried to get me to sign paperwork claiming I was refusing to pay the mortgage when in fact I have suspended payment and am making manual ones when I have cash.

On top of that it looks like the G/F and I are no longer an item as problems her end and everything happening here have got too much.

Hope the job interview goes better this afternoon than this morning has been.

Oh, Simon, what a rotten day you're having. I do hope it improves for your interview.

SH - have been following your thread with much sympathy - so sorry it's going from bad to worse and hoping this afternoon's interview marks a turn around in your fortunes.

SH - I have just caught up with this thread. Good luck with it all. I don't really have any good advice for you. Just wanted to say I hope it starts to go your way and I hope your wee girl doesn't remember all this.

SH, I too have been following this thread. I don't have any advice, sorry, just wishing you well. Hope your interview went well, let us know

Good luck with the interview SH.
There is no such thing as 'irreconcilable differences' in the UK - it is a purely US concept. Scummy is correct in her summary of the grounds for divorce in the UK. For a quick divorce the grounds are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. BUT the grounds for divorce will have no impact on the division of assets or arrangements for children - that's the law. You could, if you wish, petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (the mere fact of her wishing to pursue a lesbian lifestyle is ample - but the grounds don't have to be serious. She could cite your long hours, you could cite her snoring (if she snores) the court isn't very interested in the specifics (I've just written a feature about this BTW). One divorce lawyer I spoke to said they could draft an unreasonable behaviour petition for every married person in the country - even the blissfully happy ones! Don't get too bogged down in this - it is the division of assets and the childcare situation that is important. Actually if you petition for divorce on the grounds of her lesbianism, she might be very shocked and try to get you to withdraw it, which will give you some bargaining power. Hate to suggest blackmail tactics might it might redress the balance a little.
Ideally, however, it would not come to this. I too think mediation would be great if your wife would agree to go.

Ladies

Thanks for all your well wishing, it seems to have had some effect.

My g/f has been in contact and asked if she can have some space and time to sort things out but when that is up she wants to discuss what nextas she has been miserable all day and thinking about me constantly.

A close friend I haven't spoken too for ages got in contact too which cheered me up.

As for the interview, I find out tomorrow if I have the job.

Aloha

I had thought of that but to be honest I'm not willing to stoop to her level.

Of course the open letter to the local newspapers my mother suggested I write if things go wrong telling everyone how easy it is for guys that work hard to support their family to be cast aside does put a gleam in my smile, but I hope it never gets that petty.

I'm sure you've been following Bob Geldof's thoughts with interest.

What has sir Bob been saying?