Help needed in a seperation

[SimonHoward]

Where to start?

The begining I suppose. And with the facts.

After almost 6.5 years together, and 5 of them being married, my wife and I are in the early/middle stages of seperating. She decided earlier this year to finally tell me why the physical side of our relationship had always been terrible after the first few months, and that was because she was a lesbian and didn't like men but had been too scared of what people would say if she admitted it.

So the situation is this, I have a job that I cannot keep up if my wife moves out as I cannot pay the bills and pay for childcare and I will not let her take our daughter with her as she is going to end up renting a room and that is it due to her unwillingness to do what needs to be done to support herself and also a complete lack of money sense or the abilty to control her spending.

I can't even afford to pay all the bills on my salary alone so I will probably have to sell my house and move myself and my daughter back in with my mother (who knows how long for).

The main thing I would like advice on if anyone has any is what legally can I do with the equity from the sale of the house as even before DD arrived the money my wife contributed usually only just covered the food and the outstanding debts she had built up before meeting me that I paid off for her, and since DD's arrival what she contributes does not even cover the food bill each month.

As she is the one that after all this time has suddenly sprung these changes on me is there any way I can hold onto more than 50% of the equity as I want to try to save the money and use it towards the deposit for a new place of my own so DD and I have our own house/flat.

Thanks for any advice in advance.

Well work have tried but the best they can offer me is 2 days 2 nights 4 off and a £7,000 paydrop.

Have already started sending CV's off and talking to recruitment agencies.

Looks like the house sale will be happening, anyone want to buy a very nice 3 bed extended house with mature garden in West Sussex?

Karenanne, just because you live with your partner does not mean your ex does not have to pay child support for the child you had together (if I understand your post correctly).

Simonhoward, sorry to hear about your work situation. What do you genuinely think would make your daughter happy? I think shared care is a great thing but I think ferrying back and forward every day might be hard for a young child. I hope you can work things out between you in a civil way.

Boe, it was me who pointed out that doing childcare all day and working all night sounded like bloody hard work, and that the courts look at who looks after the child the most when looking at residence. I have also expressed sympathy for his wife who has, I presume, really struggled with her sexuality. However, SH has often posted in the past about hating the awful, soul-destroying long hours he has put in to try and support his wife and child and how much he misses his daughter because of it. I think money means so much to him because he has had to sacrifice so much of his time with his daughter to try to earn enough to keep the family afloat, and now, through no fault of his own, he risks losing his family altogether. I think this is such a different situation to yours, where your ex was abusive, violent and broke up your family. I have huge sympathy for you, and hope very much you get residence of your daughter and that SH gets shared care of his. I don't think those two wishes contradict each other.

I agree totally with your last paragraph Aloha.

But I think shared care as envisaged by SH could work. His DD is so little it would just become part of her routine along the lines of a child who goes to grandma in the day while parents are working. It would be better if the distances weren't too great obviously so that she doesn't end up spending hours in the car.

I do agree that it would be hard to go out working in the evening after caring for a child all day but your wife would also have the weekend free to look for work, SH.

Bozza

What car? LOL

My wife can't drive and I haven't had a car in over 12 years.

As it is DD will be ferried about by my wife on her electrically assisted bike that I bought for her last xmas. Hopefully she will be able to get a place close enough to cycle easily to where my DD and I will be living otherwise she is going to have to learn to get up early (which she loathes doing) and also to plan/time things so she can get DD back to me or my mum at the right time.

I have also asked my wife what she plans to do about making sure she has enough money each month to pay the bills and if she has asked the bosses at work about extra hours if she needs them and I got fobbed off with a 'I'm taking care of it' which is worrying as normally when she says that my credit card winces or I end up sorting out all sorts of trouble (logisitics and organisation are not her strong points, making meals that you'd happily die for is though).

SH, I know you've spend years and years organising your wife's life, but I honestly advise you to stop trying now. She's going to be independent of you very soon and even though it will be hard, you will have to let go of your worries and leave her to organise her own life (frightening though that might be). Can't you share the picking up of your dd? Ie can't your mother either drop her off or pick her up even if you can't?

Sorry about the car faux pas SH.

Again I thnk Aloha is right. You are going to have to let go a bit regarding your wife. It sounds as though you have been very protective of her during your marriage.

On a practical note - would it be posible for your wife to look after your DD in your home during the day? Then your DD would not need to be ferried around.

Aloha

I have serious cut down on offers of help and am trying to stop it totally but like any habit it can be difficult to break (especially knowing the probable consequences).

As for picking up/dropping off of DD, my mother may be able to help at times but she also looks after her 86 y/o parents which is why I have tried not to arrange things where she is needed everyday otherwise she will have even less of a social life than she does now (and with the worry she has had over the last 5 years she needs it).

All in all my wife was warned by me and others of their being consequences for every action you take and she decided to make the actions she has done so without thinking of any. So if she has to get up early and organise herself then, whilst I'm concerned on the level of wanting to make sure my DD is fine, I don't have that much sympathy for her having to get up at say 06:00 or 06:30 when I'm regularly up at just gone 05:00.

Saying that though if I can change jobs to one that allows me to leave work early enough then I'll sort things out so I can go and pick my DD up every chance I get.

The next hurdle will be when DD starts school. I am not looking forward to the discussions about what school she will go to.

Bozza

It may well be possible but my wife tends to spend a lot of time out round friends houses or at M&T groups so I have no idea whether she will want to or not.

I have had a few comments off of people close to me that they don't think my wife will be too interested in having our DD as much as she seems to now when/if her social life picks up or she starts dating. Nothing like a small child to muck up a romantic evening.

I will just have to wait and see what happens.

Well so much for trying to do things amicably.

Got home last night to be told by my wife that she had quit her new job and was applying for income support and that she had spoken to a solicitor and was planning on taking steps to have the house put in her name and she wants me out.

She has this odd idea that she can get the mortgage changed over to her name as well and somehow get the benefit agency or government to pay the interest on it so that she won't loose it.

All because she does not want to work and possibly end up living in a room to start with.

She also had the gall to tell me she was hoping we could still be friends after all of this and that she was only doing it as she was looking out for herself (not her daughter it seems) as no-one else in her life ever has done so.

Odd that, I seem to recall 6 years of doing not much else at times but looking out for her and slogging my guts out to keep her when it would have been so easy to just give up and quit.

So I'm off into town later to see if I can get into the CAB and get some help with finding a good solicitor.

If anyone has any info on whether or not what she plans on trying is possible please let me know.

Boe it looks like I might need to draw on some of your experience at this rate.

Sorry to hear all of this SH.... I can't offer any advice except lots of sympathy...
Seems like your DW needs to "find" herself and get a dose of reality but it will be better if she discovers it herself rather than be shown or told.... times will be harder before they get better !

I don't know much about the legal side but can't believe she could do this without court action, in which case you will get your say.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am.

No, she can't tranfer the mortgage - the lender might have something to say about that!! However, a court could transfer the house into her name and demand you pay the mortgage - as I say, a court can do practically anything. However, no mortgage lender will agree to give someone without a job or income a mortgage in their sole name, so I suspect this won't happen. It is FAR more likely that a court will order the house to be sold and decide on a split of the proceeds. I am very sorry it has got like this. Lawyers do often tend to encourage this kind of behaviour in divorce cases. Your wife sounds very selfish. You do need some good legal advice. Right now, if you want to avoid being completely ruined, taking a redundancy package and going on benefits for a while might actually help - that way the court can't order that you pay the mortgage as you won't have the income.

Actually, I have just referred to the books I bought when dh was going through it with his ex partner. I'm sorry but it could happen. How much equity is there in your house? How many bedrooms? If your wife is determined to stay in the house with your daughter, she may very well achieve exactly that. What happens to you will depend on your lawyer. A good reason to take redundancy is that you will then stand (I think) a better chance of getting legal aid. If she has it and you don't she can fight you and fight you and fight you until you are so deep in debt that you can't do anything and it won't cost her a penny, ever. I know this sounds depressing but men aren't in a good position in divorce, esp if there are children.

Simon - go and see your mortgage company - yes she could get the house but only after you have been through a court process she cannot just go and get it changed over into ther name - you would need to sign away you half if that were the case.

I think the best thing for you to do is keep a diary of when she goes out and for how long - I truely believe that you will not be able to use the money issue or her sexuality in court - at the end of the day they will look at your marraige as a partnership and most certainly the fact that she had time off of work to look after your daughter will be in her advantage - take the bull by the horns and stop working now - stay at home with your daughter and be her main carer - this way you can say she is settled with this and I am sure that your wife would take advantage of the situation and go out a lot more which would also work in your favour.

Just a word of warning if you have more that £3,000 to your name you will not receive legal aid - they may give you part legal aid but you will have to pay out everything and they will only let you keep £3,000 from your redundancy - which as I am sure you know is not a lot these days.

Is the mortage in your name solely or is it also in her name?? All she can actually do is get an order put on the house to stop you selling it - I am absolutley sure that she cannot just transfer it across to her especially if she has no income - the bank will not trust her as I am sure that her credit rating is not clean.

Do not stop paying for the day to day bills and food etc and stuff for your daughter - Iwould stop paying any of your wife's debts because that is not your responsibility and even if they are put against the finances of the marraige you will probably end up having to pay half of them anyway. So better to only pay half in the long run than pay all of them now.

Things get better for a while and then they go crappy again and sometimes you feel like you want to jump off of the nearest bridge (I certainly do at the moment) but as everyone keeps telling me you just have to keep strong and play the straight man - never do anything that she could hold against you (I am sure you are cleverer than that) and focus on the time you will have with your daughter when this is all over (how I should heed my own advice!!).

I am not sure I can give you any more help really but you can always contact me if you need to.

Good luck and remember at the end of the day the house and the money and everyday luxuries mean nothing - look at your daughter and remember you are doing this for her - and keep mentioning that to the court and the solicitors etc - don't sound bitter aabout the money or your wifes sexuality and I am not sure I would tell them that you had an open marraige - might look a bit far out in those old judges eyes.

Anyway good luck and keep your chin up.

Boe is right that she can't do anything without a court order. However, a court can order almost anything. Boe, I bet you've had a horrific time financially over your troubles. I dread to think what it must be costing you. And you lost your home and your daughter. I just think it's awful. Still, you just about seem to be hanging on to your sanity!

Jac34, I think you mentioned it.

Sorry to butt in, but how do you go about applying to the courts for divorce papers without involving solicitors?

SH, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Can't add any constructive comments as, although me and H are now living apart, we are not legally separated or divorced.

I owe about £6,000 so far - and I get a small amount of Legal Aid - it has wiped out my savings and my redundancy money - he does not get any Legal Aid but I am sure his mother is paying for his legal advice.

It all seems so foolish - I don;t know why he is fighting and sure he would not be if it was his money.

Aloha

I'd love to take redundancy but unfortunately I still work for the security firm just the contract they had finished and I had the options to move to a new contract on a lot less money or resign.

As for the house 3 bedrooms and about £60K+ equity (which is why we were going to sell the house and split it).

I agree about the legal aid. I'm fairly well knackered if this drags on as there is no way I can afford it.

Luckily I have already had words with my mortgage people and if there are any arrears on the mortgage then it cannot be transfered and by the end of the month there will be arrears.

Boe

I have no money at all, only debts, the wife is debt free and the only one with savings is my daughter (which until she is at least 7 y/o I am in charge of).

The mortgage and house are in both our names and I have already told her she will have a fight on her hands.

I'm waiting till I can speak to a solicitor (found one over the internet as CAB was packed today). When I do I'm going to ask about getting the soon to be ex-wife to pay for 50% of the bills or at least a fair share and also what to do about fighting this transfer of the house.

Simon - there is a chat room message board thing on Divorce On Line - they have some good advice on there although is not as good as mumsnet!!

I suspect in your case the court is likely to say that 30K equity will in no way allow your wife to buy a place big enough to house herself and your daughter, esp as she has no income. In this case, they may very well let her stay there and tranfer the equity to her, which would be devastating for you, I know. I hope your lawyer can offer you more hope. Good luck.

SH, I read the messages here, and I am really sorry things cannot be settled amicably. I am no legal expert so can't say much to help you.

Is it any good explaining to your wife (again) how much money it could cost everyone if the legal profession is involved? ultimately, even if she gets legal aid, it will afftect her still. If you have to pay for legal fees, the more you pay, the less moeny there is or her and your dd.

If you wife is thinking of moving out of your house, that leaves one of your three bedrooms free. I know it may well be the very last thing you'd want to do right now, but have you thought of taking in a lodger to help pay the mortgage?

You kind of get the feeling that SH's wife just wouldn't get it if you tried to explain anything financial to her. She sounds like one of these people to whom figures mean nothing. Glad I'm not in your shoes SH.

Yes,SH, does she realise that while legal aid is free at point of delivery, her costs will be taken out of any settlement she gets.