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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Crap wife - good mother

157 replies

worthless · 20/11/2010 09:58

OMG can't believe I am doing this - bearing my soul to the world but I seriously need help PLEASE...In short I am so very very unhappy in my marriage. Brief background - I am in my mid 40's. Been with husband since I was 17. 3 children 14,11,7. Been through the worst year of my life. Still care for my husband but at the moment I truely despise him and just cannot connect with him at all. He tells me that I am a useless wife and that I do not know how to look after a man! It is fair to say that I have probably neglected his "needs" over the last few years but I have been so wrapped up in "being a mum" that I have not always put his "needs" first. I am a working mum who I suppose has always had old fashioned views. I have always done everything for my family. By that I mean home cooked dinners, getting up in the night for the children, all the housework, washing, ironing, childcare, all the usual really but without any support or appreciation from my husband. Needless to say our physical relationship has at times suffered. My husband has always had a very high sex drive (and is very needy in that department) and sometimes I just want a cuddle not sex. He cannot cuddle me without it leading somewhere and as a result I have withdrawn from him and get my cuddles from the children. My husband has basically over the last year completely destroyed me. He constantly tells me how useless I am, he tells me that I am an emotional cripple, he undermines everything that I do and without going into too much detail has basically spent the last 12 months verbally assassinating me. I now cannot even bear him to touch me but he keeps telling me to forget all the crap, stop the war and just give myself to him. Why can't I do this? why can't I just accept that his anger is because of me? He says that he loves me and that his anger is because he feels alone. I feel alone and so sad. Please can someone help me.

OP posts:
dhn · 08/12/2010 13:09

I never understand men who do this to women and don't get that women go cold and bring down the barriers with them; until I was told that it's not about them wanting a warm, loving, woman - it's about 'control'. The thing is, they want it both ways - to be disrespectful but still get a sensual, sexy woman to meet their needs.Angry

dhn · 08/12/2010 13:39

Also have experience of ability to only send texts/leave love letters/notes and not to act it out in real life too.

giveitago · 08/12/2010 19:04

You're not a fruit loop - your feelings of hatred are entirely normal and the 'too late' thing is you recognising the patterns of his behaviour.

Lightbulb moments like yours will throw you into internal turmoil.

You are more than entitled to feel like you do.

MorganMindy · 08/12/2010 21:54

OP - Please change your name.... How about IAmNotWorthless ??

Your reaction is entirely normal, it's all far too little and far too late.

I was with my ex for 15 years, in all that time he never wrote me anything approaching a love letter, until the week before we were due to move out of the marital home into our separate ones, i.e. moving out for good. Two pages he wrote pouring out how he loved me and was proud of me and our DC's, what a good mum I was etc...

What upset me most (and I think this is where you're getting angry now) is that they obviously know what they should be doing and saying - making dinner, the odd text, being nice, writing love letters - but despite you telling them again and again they just cant be arsed. They only put the effort in cos they finally realise you've had enough. And you know it will never last because they don't want to be doing these things, they do as little as they can to get their docile little slave back in line and then it would be business as normal.

When I asked my X why he'd never taken me seriously before and it had taken me leaving him to make him see how big a problem his behaviour was his reply was 'I didn't think you meant it, why didn't you make me listen to you?' and 'you should have tried harder to make me listen'!!!

Some other choice quotes from my X (I bet you will get similar from yours)...

'What makes you so special?'
'Other women put up with men like me, why can't you?'
'You're going to screw the kids up for life and that will all be your fault.'
'Everyone thinks you're mad for leaving me as I'm a good bloke.'
'You're over-reacting as usual, things aren't bad enough for you to leave.'
'I've made an effort, why isn't that enough for you?'

Keep strong...

worthless · 11/12/2010 10:27

why oh why can't I just go through the motions???????

roller coaster week again for me. Gone from anger to sadness to deadness and back again.

ticking over with HIM being nice (well not nice but not abusive).......and me not changing me behaviour towards him so he is getting p**d off!!!!

I am having trouble talking to him about even the mundane things, cant even look at him.....rejecting his cuddles......he has tried to instigate sex twice this week and I have pushed him away.....

this morning he made another "get off your rock" comment.....tells me "I have to give him love"....."I am his wife" and he "loves me" and "wants me to stop fighting" "stop this nonsense" and "come to him".....

I can't, I just can't, I am too f**d up in my head, he has hurt me too much BUT HE JUST CAN'T SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't know what to do???

OP posts:
Gotitwrong · 13/05/2011 14:01

Just seen your thread as been searching for advice myself and your post could have been written by me!
Are you still with your husband? He must have a twin somewhere as my H is exactly the same!
I could fill the page with the horrible things he has called me over the last year or so......
Frigid
Lazy
Self obssessed
Old fat and ugly (actually feel old - 45 - but fat ?? size 6)
Fucked in the head
Manipulative
Having an affair
Lesbian and so on and so on

But this is in the past now........no name calling for a few mnths now! Helpful round the house and with kids etc........how do I feel?

Dead, dead, dead......names hurt and I can't forget either so just wanted to see how you were doing...

If still together have you managed to forget?

Gotitwrong · 13/05/2011 14:21

Worthless - just found all your other posts! U sound so sad :-(
PM me - maybe we can help each other (is that allowed) ?

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