Crap wife - good mother

[worthless]

OMG can't believe I am doing this - bearing my soul to the world but I seriously need help PLEASE...In short I am so very very unhappy in my marriage. Brief background - I am in my mid 40's. Been with husband since I was 17. 3 children 14,11,7. Been through the worst year of my life. Still care for my husband but at the moment I truely despise him and just cannot connect with him at all. He tells me that I am a useless wife and that I do not know how to look after a man! It is fair to say that I have probably neglected his "needs" over the last few years but I have been so wrapped up in "being a mum" that I have not always put his "needs" first. I am a working mum who I suppose has always had old fashioned views. I have always done everything for my family. By that I mean home cooked dinners, getting up in the night for the children, all the housework, washing, ironing, childcare, all the usual really but without any support or appreciation from my husband. Needless to say our physical relationship has at times suffered. My husband has always had a very high sex drive (and is very needy in that department) and sometimes I just want a cuddle not sex. He cannot cuddle me without it leading somewhere and as a result I have withdrawn from him and get my cuddles from the children. My husband has basically over the last year completely destroyed me. He constantly tells me how useless I am, he tells me that I am an emotional cripple, he undermines everything that I do and without going into too much detail has basically spent the last 12 months verbally assassinating me. I now cannot even bear him to touch me but he keeps telling me to forget all the crap, stop the war and just give myself to him. Why can't I do this? why can't I just accept that his anger is because of me? He says that he loves me and that his anger is because he feels alone. I feel alone and so sad. Please can someone help me.

No , hes not. Its easier to think that because otherwise you,ll have to see him for what he is ,and you dont want to , which is understandable.

Did he ever actualy get any help for his suicidal thoughts , or like the rest of them has he just gone on about it just so you feel sorry for him ?

Would you feel sorry for someone who treated your daughter like this ? What would you say if this was happening to her ?

Dont kid yourself the dcs dont know what goes on in your bedroom at night , unless your walls are sound proofed theyve probably heard.

It isn't you, I can promise you that. Nothing, nothing can explain a man in tears because you don't want sex so hideous you can't even bear to talk about it. Nothing except that he is either a) seriously troubled (which is a problem that you cannot solve) or b) he is a manipulative bully.

Is he much older than you?

no just one year older...not close to his family (always slagging them off and no friends, always critical of others) traits I now recognize from threads as being signs of someone with problems from within themselves!

It's not you, it's not you at all.

Reading your OP, I would find it difficult to like your h much, I cant think of many people who would think diffrently to be honest.

To be honest, a man who wants to seduce his wife does not scream and shout and call her names if his advances are rejected.....

Personally, I wouldnt worry about him and his emotional wellbeing, look after you and your children, he's a grown man, he knows exactly what he's doing by the sounds of things.

Any chance you could look into therapy again? Seems like you are ready to listen this time.

But it is not you. Really sadly, your posts remind me of what my life used to be like with ex........

it is not you.

Sex is not a right, or something a woman owes a man no matter what.

sex is something that happens when BOTH parties feel like it.

"Giving in" to his bullying will make you feel worse.

yes, I am sure he is frustrated, but boy is he going about it the wrong way!

sorry, but he sounds nasty and scary. He needs to come to his senses. If he cannot, you have to start hatching an escape plan. Start putting bits of cash aside, just in case. Please.

How was your H all the previous years before this last very bad year you describe?

where do I start? Thought he was normal. Now I know he isn't. Always put himself before me on many different issues. Always right, never wrong. Always been scared of him. Again I grew up being scared of my dad and thought this was normal. Feeling angry tonight, drunk too much and hiding under duvet typing on my phone. Please once again can you tell me this isn't normal. I feel so alone. Have not even told my mum or best friend. So ashamed ......

Hey you, Listen up, you sound like a totally normal woman struggling with a horrible situation. It is very easy to get sucked into thinking that you are to blame, especially if thats what your ex says. Have been there myself. It is really horrible, but you are not alone. There are lots of us out there who have managed to escape and built much better lives. If you need to, call smaritans if you want some one to talk to. Have done this myself in my darkess hours and they really helped me. keep posting

Tell your mum and freinds , this gets you some real life support and also makes it " real " somehow . You have nothing to feel ashamed about , he has plenty.

Normal men do not behave like this , your right when you say theres something wrong with him. Dont forget he chooses to behave this way , because he likes it.

Sorry to post and run, but please phone Women's Aid (0808 2000 247), tell someone in RL and start with an escape plan.

I agree with what others have posted here and recognise much from my own experiences. It's time to go.

How are you this morning worthy? I am watching your progress with concern and affection.

I "got away" ten weeks ago and still swing between relief and delight that I have my own front door I can lock when I get in and a bed all to myself, and horror at what I have done to my lovely family by leaving.

My DH is an articulate friendly man who talks a lot about valuing kindness and about his love for me and the DC, but he is eerily like your DH. He has an abusive DF, a DM who left because of DV and a conviction that sex with me was his right. He becomes depressed often, has low self worth and needs lots of ego boosting despite being world famous in his field. He calls me emotionless and cold, and abusive.

Like you, I thought the problem was me, and started therapy to address my abusive behaviour. What I discovered was very unexpected. It wasnt me it was him!! I still find it hard to believe. How could I have spent so many years not noticing this?

Go slowly with yourself and be gentle. You need cherishing and you haven't had much of that. It helps to post when you need a reality check. We will tell you how it is!

Keep safe

Oh and don't be surprised if your close friends cannot cope with what you tell them. Some of mine just put their fingers in their ears and ignore. Others have been wonderful. You will find out who you can rely on.

Just reread your early posts. My DH thought both the Relate counsellors we went to see were biased towards women and didn't like him. And he refused to leave our home and DC. These men do share a handbook don't they? And yes I feel sorry for him too.

Point 1: You sound great and you have had a truly tough time.

Point 2: You won't say anything bad to him as you don't want to hurt him. But you ARE hurting him by not having sex with him - that really is rejection and hurt. And by God he deserves it. However, from his point of view, you might find that he would prefer you screaming your head off at him every day provided you were then up for shagging him at some point in the future. There is a tiny, nanosized possibility that things might change as a result of you actually standing up for yourself and respecting yourself as a bloody human being even if he won't.

Point 3: However, if you don't want a relationship where someone treats you like shit, you get furious and have a screaming row, and then you have sex (and why would you, I wouldn't), then get yourself a lawyer and get busy living.

it's me again, nursing a mega hangover! Drink might numb the pain but it's only temporary and makes you feel like shite the next day :-(

Feeling in total shock. Only realized in last couple of days that what I've been living with is abuse. Despite what you have all said I still can't quite accept that. It feels too harsh a label. Is it really true or am I being misled and trying to put the blame on him? I don't mean you guys misleading me I mean am I deluding myself?

Maybe he genuinely does feel unloved and neglected but I promise you it was not intentional. However I can't see any excuse for his malice. He even told me last night that he knew he has been hurting me! How can you knowingly do that to someone you say you love?????

Even now I hate the fact that I am hurting him by being so withdrawn but I can't say nasty things......

I sometimes felt that my DH needed more love and appreciation than I could ever give. Like a bottomless bucket I was trying to fill.

I think that is the result of his childhood issues, and I have exhausted my capacity to keep trying to make him feel loved enough and appreciated enough. I am empty and used up. You sound the same.

oh well my anger, resentment and hurt completely boiled over on monday night. It was like a volcano erupting. Honestly did not think I was capable of behaving the way I did. Completely lost it - feel completely done in now but calm as if a huge weight has been lifted and I feel peaceful now - the calm after the storm!!!

Think he's got it now.....strange now I have been able to tell him exactly how he has made me feel he seem's to accpet how awful he has been. He has gone from saying "I will give you until Xmas to CHANGE" to saying "sorry - it is me who is in the wrong, it is me who has put US in the position we are in - it is not YOU"

What a breakthrough....do you think I can move forward with this? do you think that I should believe him? what advice do you have for me?

Can we build on this. What "conditions" do you lovely ladies think I should put in place?

"Conditions" so harsh but I need to gain control of this situation. I cannot allow myself to just drift along any longer.

I really feel that my soul has been eaten away and I want to get some self respect and worth back in my life. Do you think that it is possible within my marriage?

No .
Hes only apologised after youve told him straight , whats the chances of him suddenly getting it and having a charecter transplant within minuites ?

Forget words , look at actions , is he going to counselling ?

You might find that he,ll be loveley for the next few days , and that he,ll expect something from you . When your not forthcoming youll probably be told how unreasonable you are , after all hes made all this effort lateley.

I really really hope your H is genuine. Because I always hope someone else's situation will be different to my experience. Mine is very different. I would never receive an apology at all, ever. And the silent treatment was not just sporadic;it is continual, sometimes not, but exists more often than not. but used also to engage a person and then when a response is achieved, the communication is cut totally eg. there will be no more communication on whatever subjecgt/issue.

This behaviour comes easily to one party, whereas to the other, it is soul-destroying and very wounding because it's not a natural way I would treat someone myself.

He may want sex.

yes that has crossed my mind too.....however he did seem so very very sorry. I have been with him as I have already said for nearly 30 years so think (would like to think) that I know him!

However whilst I feel that at the moment I do not feel so angry towards him I also know that I do not want to get physically close to him either. I did hug and cuddle him last night which was the first time that I have felt genuine affection for him for a long while.

giving him a cuddle/hug is no where near wanting to have sex with him. Do you think I am "normal" not wanting to have sex with him at the moment?

We have not had proper sex for months now which bearing in mind his high sex drive is driving him insane!

We have had sexual contact - in that I have done things for him but have not wanted him to touch me. I have not wanted to have any sexual contact with him at all and only done it to keep the peace (not that that has worked as it has been all out war)

As dignified said, see what he actually 'does' in reality to back up his 'sorryness'. Of course, it is easy and beneficial for him to get you in the mood for sex.

Will he go 'the extra mile'?

I have some experience of this. I realised my H was abusive, confronted him with it (via mumsnet)and after a couple of false starts he started weekly therapy over a year ago - it's still ongoing and I also started therapy (weekly) a month or so after him.

We can now discuss our relationship honestly. He has accepted we had what his therapist described as a 'violent relationship' (little direct physical violence against me/dc, but plenty of verbal (shouting/roaring) and emotional abuse (constant criticism, I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time) and indirect violence - smashing things etc.).
He feels ashamed of his behaviour and accepts that he was using me and dc (or just the world in general) as an excuse for his behaviour for years.
This is the biggest difference. He used to have such a massive sense of entitlement that he could treat us badly if he felt like it, we were his emotional punchbags, but there was no way he would ever of admitted that then. There was always a reason for why it was everybody else's fault that he behaved badly (on the rare occasion that he would admit that things had gotten out of hand, usually he would just act as though everything was normal and nothing had happened).

Things have radically changed, but there are still times where his behaviour gets out of hand and we have to deal with the fallout for a few weeks afterwards (i.e. reverting back to old behaviour patterns for both of us).

During the last year, I experienced the emotional relief physically when he made this switch. It was completely an unconcious thing. Everyday activities became physically easier. My head felt lighter, it was such a strange feeling. I eventually realised that this is what being supported emotionally felt like.

However, now that I have experienced this feeling, I am aware that I don't feel like that all the time, and of course it is still dictated by H's mood. So at the end of the day I am not sure whether I am doing the right thing. I'm hoping that by being in therapy myself will eventually lead me to knowing if what I'm doing is right. Am also aware that this is similar to my previous ostrich-like procrastinating approach so I'm obviously completely conflicted a lot of the time...

Not sure if this stream of conciousness-like babble is any use to anybody. But that's the position we're in at the moment.

newname - do you trust him? I am pleased for you and that your situation is improved but I would find it hard to have faith in him.