Crap wife - good mother

[worthless]

OMG can't believe I am doing this - bearing my soul to the world but I seriously need help PLEASE...In short I am so very very unhappy in my marriage. Brief background - I am in my mid 40's. Been with husband since I was 17. 3 children 14,11,7. Been through the worst year of my life. Still care for my husband but at the moment I truely despise him and just cannot connect with him at all. He tells me that I am a useless wife and that I do not know how to look after a man! It is fair to say that I have probably neglected his "needs" over the last few years but I have been so wrapped up in "being a mum" that I have not always put his "needs" first. I am a working mum who I suppose has always had old fashioned views. I have always done everything for my family. By that I mean home cooked dinners, getting up in the night for the children, all the housework, washing, ironing, childcare, all the usual really but without any support or appreciation from my husband. Needless to say our physical relationship has at times suffered. My husband has always had a very high sex drive (and is very needy in that department) and sometimes I just want a cuddle not sex. He cannot cuddle me without it leading somewhere and as a result I have withdrawn from him and get my cuddles from the children. My husband has basically over the last year completely destroyed me. He constantly tells me how useless I am, he tells me that I am an emotional cripple, he undermines everything that I do and without going into too much detail has basically spent the last 12 months verbally assassinating me. I now cannot even bear him to touch me but he keeps telling me to forget all the crap, stop the war and just give myself to him. Why can't I do this? why can't I just accept that his anger is because of me? He says that he loves me and that his anger is because he feels alone. I feel alone and so sad. Please can someone help me.

Sounds exactly like my ex - he's deep, I'm cold, sex, won't move out, anger etc. etc. I ended up in hospital for a month from the stress of it all, please don't let it come to that.

You would really benefit from reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I was so shocked when I read it, as so many of the things I thought made my ex the person he was were described in this book. The pattern of abusive behaviour is unbelievable.

Also don't have sex with him - it deadens the soul.

Not-worthless, I think you buying that book was turning point for you. The body often knows when something is wrong before the mind and that's why you started to go off sex, etc. Then you had a realisation in your mind and you knew exactly what was going on in your relationship. To anyone who's been in an EA relationship, it's totally predictable that he would say that it's you who has the problems. The nastier he gets, the closer to the bone you know you've got. I used to liken my Ex's escalating nastiness to a scene in something like Indiana Jones, where the closer he gets to the treasure, the scarier the traps and more dangerous the foes he faces. The traps and foes are your husband's words and behaviour, the treasure is the truth about the situation and realising you are a good person and don't deserve his crap.

Look at what he says - all the blame is on you; cripple, ice maiden, mentally ill, etc. And yet, you are behaving properly, you want to lovingly sort things out, you are not creating a horrible atmosphere in the home and between you both, you are not throwing insults and demands at him all the time.

If you are an emotional cripple, it's because he keeps wounding you. If you are an ice maiden, it's because his unacceptable attitude and behaviour has extinguished all your passion and fire. If you are mentally ill, then it's him that's driven you mad.

But you're NOT these things: in all your posts, you reveal yourself to be very emotionally astute and perceptive, to have fire in your belly (however distinguished it may have got) and to be totally sound of mind - in fact, never sounder, as you have woken up to his crap and don't want to take it any more. In your OP you ask why you can't just accept that his anger is because of you - well, the reason you can't accept it is because it's NOT TRUE. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions. 'You make me like this' is the lie of every abuser, of every kind. His nastiness to you is escalating because he knows you don't believe it any more. What you need to start believing in now is yourself.

Hi worthy

You are going to be ok! You are a strong person and you have not lost sight of what a loving relationship ought to be. You just need to keep moving forward slowly, not standing still.

Think of how you would like things to be in future. You and the DC in your own home free from unreasonable demands and anger. What would you have to do to make it happen? Take one small step tomorrow. Then another. and it will happen in time.

I left my DH ten weeks ago after 28 years and only now am I seeing that he was abusive and I had been completely convinced that I was emotionally abusing him. I had stopped feeling anything at all, stopped wanting sex with him, was angry and resentful and treating him unkindly because of the years of neglect and failure to cherish and support me. Iam a very strong capable person and I probably stayed a lot longer than I should have because I couldnt bear to admit how bad it was.

It is early days but now I feel everything, pain and joy and shame and pleasure. And my DC are surviving the split.

Don't be afraid. Things will get better! You just don't know how he will react if you split. He may get the wake up call he needs to change, but if he doesn't you will know you have done the right thing.

Thank you all so much for your comments. Maybe it isn't me after all. Spent a lovely evening with my babies (although of course they are not babies any more). Husband out down the pub. Feel peaceful when he is not here and not so sad. Why do I feel so guilty about feeling this way? I feel free, we have all had fun this evening, they are happy, I am happy. What will tomorrow bring???

Please please don't stop sending me your views. I really need your support. Even Reading your words today has helped. I will stand up for myself. I will be strong. I do deserve to be happy. Most importantly my children need me to be happy. I need to show them the right way ......this is all wrong.

What a nasty abusive prick. I think you need to start reading that book you bought , and order some more. Read up too about projection and why these fuckers behave like this. Your feelings are typical of an abused wife , dont let him drag you down any further.

Start reading everything you can , things will look very differant once you open a book about an abuser and realise your reading a description of your H , you,ll dump the guilt like a hot turd.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Hi W, reading your post has made me cry, It could have been me writing it a couple of years ago.
I split from my husband of nearly 20 years nearly 2 years ago after years of feeling just like you.
I put up with being mildly physically abused. Then one night he got so so angry he threatend to kill me,he didn't stop even when the children tried to help and my eldest picked up my youngest child and fled the house closely followed by me and the others. (I found lots of support from mumsnet at this time and couldn't have coped without it).

Iam much happier now and my children are too. Iam glad you are feeling strong, I think you can only get stronger and you will be ok.

Dignified thanks for the link. Just read it and shaking from head to toe. How can the man I have loved for nearly 30 years be an abuser? I just thought that that was how men are. I grew up with a dad who looking back I can see abused my mum (emotionally) and I thought that was just the norm really. Feel such a fool. My husband really have pretty much all the personality traits in the article - for so very long he has made me feel that it is my fault. That I need to change, that I am crazy and the one with issues. I know now that this is not true. I feel so sad for him though. How can someone get help when they do not recognize they have a problem.

Also I am scared of him. He is quite clearly obssessed with me - petrified of what he will do when I finally get the courage to tell him I can't do this any more!

W, like others have mentioned before womans aid is great, I talked to someone on the phone (didn't have the courage to phone myself, but my children told a friend who phoned them for me), they will be very discreet and offer practical and emotional support.

worthy you are probably in a state of shock. I know it comes as a horrible shock to wake up to the realisation that things have not been what you thought they were. You need to treat yourself very kindly and gently, what my counsellor calls "soothing" yourself.

I feel so sad for him though. How can someone get help when they do not recognize they have a problem.

This is a hard one. My DH is desperate about what has happened and has only just begun to work out how growing up with an abusive father has affected him. He is going to a counsellor and is really struggling but that doesnt make it okay.

You must trust that instinct you have to fear him. You know you need to feel safe. I found my home no longer felt safe and I had to get out even though I left my teenage DC behind with him. My DH can't understand why I am afraid of him when I am "the abusive one".

Oh it is all so complicated! Look after yourself and keep posting. It will get easier!

Notworthless give womens aid a call , they can give you details of a centre near you . The one i went to was less than 5 miles away and was actually just a house , i didnt even know it was there.

You must get some proper support. If your H realises you have clocked whats going on he will step it up, do watch out for this.

Read everything you can , the last 20 years of his warped veiws will have to be unpicked and sorted. The more you know about his abuse tactics the easier it will be to do this. Ive got many books and will happily post them to you if theyll be of any help .

When you see that its deliberate , calculated , youll stop feeling sorry for him. And it is those things, he does it to no one but you, in private.
Personally i found i was unable to take any action whilst i felt sorry for him.

And perhaps think about changing your name to something more positive .

well another awful weekend....dignified he has clocked that something in me has changed. Can't quite believe how quickly I have changed. I have got fire in my belly after reading a number of different threads on this. He tried it on (again) in the early hours of this morning and I refused (again). This time I didnt try and justify my feelings as I have said them a million times before. Have gone along with the sex just to keep him quiet as got sick of him waking up the kids with his ranting and raving when I have said "no". Not prepared to do this any more. When I said "no" he ranted that he will be off after xmas as I have finally got what I wanted, that he cant take me any more. He can't be married to a "witch who is not prepared to see that she has f***d up her husbands life when all he wanted to do was LOVE ME".......OMG......pretty scared now....think worst is yet to come and absolutely petrified!!

Putting the blame and responsibility on the other person.

worthless - what he tries to make you think you are, but really, you are great and better than him, anyday.

He didn't want to "love you", he wanted to have sex with you. Although they are nicest when they go together, they are not at all the same thing.

I used to get that bullshit from XH, as well, "you've finally got what you wanted", as if I'd ever wanted anything other than a cosy home with a loving husband and children (and pets). I used to feel horribly defensive and misunderstood, when really it was just a meaningless phrase he trotted out and I doubt even he knew what he meant by it. Certainly it's no wonder your H thinks you're ineffectual if you've taken nearly three decades to plot his downfall and yet he's still there.

You know what I think is the most likely scenario? That he won't do anything at all. He'll go around like a bear with a sore head for a few days and then everything will be back to the strange reality that passes for normal. You will, of course, be expected to be at his beck and call from now until Christmas so that he will change his mind and not leave, and if you do this, it's likely that no more would be said. I don't believe you can, though, nor that you should.

However that's just my guess, I don't know the man at all, of course, and I do think if you are at all frightened, Women's Aid is probably a good starting point. You don't need a black eye to "qualify" for their support.

annie - very familiar with "you've finally got what you wanted". Does a man saying this know he is taking the p... because it (the family,marriage,home....) IS the most important thing to you, or, is it just a case of putting the blame on the partner?

OP, you say any kind of cuddle would only lead to sex. Is this then used against you in that you are a cold, unloving.....

Is the sex with him at all warm and loving? Or is it quite functional?

I cant quite believe that I have stuck it so long either....maybe it is me that is the mad one!!!!!

Seriously though it is hard to believe. I have truely loved him (until this year). I have honestly thought that it has all been my fault. I have absolutely believed everything that he has said to me. Mostly because I believed that the words must be true otherwise he wouldn't be saying them as he knew how much those verbal punches hurt.

I think that he must have serious issues. In fact I know that he has. I have just accpeted that they are HIS ISSUES. They are not caused by me.

I know that none of you know me but I promise I am a nice, loving, caring person and even now I do not want to hurt my husband and my heart is breaking knowing what I am going to do to him.

Warm and loving sex.......I do not know what that is?????

Do not want to go into what kind of sex it is - it is certainly NOT warm and loving

I have not given him a kiss or a cuddle in a very long time....when he tries to cuddle me I freeze!!!!

Is he capable of being hurt?

Are you married to my H?

Just re-read your original post;he is not my H as mine now tells me he doesn't love me.

how many messed up men are out there????

he is hurting now....sobbed like a baby this morning...that broke my heart....feel such a bitch.

Havent read much about you yet gardenglory....sorry!! Are you still married/together/kids???

Just my experience, but sometimes the 'love' word can be used very effectively when only one person has those kind of deep feelings. But, obviously, I don't know your H so don't know if he is genuine. (Then, I still wouldn't know).

worthless - no, I don't have experience with my H of him being hurt and upset over our marriage. He has sobbed years ago - but that was for himself, not anything to do with me.