Crap wife - good mother

[worthless]

OMG can't believe I am doing this - bearing my soul to the world but I seriously need help PLEASE...In short I am so very very unhappy in my marriage. Brief background - I am in my mid 40's. Been with husband since I was 17. 3 children 14,11,7. Been through the worst year of my life. Still care for my husband but at the moment I truely despise him and just cannot connect with him at all. He tells me that I am a useless wife and that I do not know how to look after a man! It is fair to say that I have probably neglected his "needs" over the last few years but I have been so wrapped up in "being a mum" that I have not always put his "needs" first. I am a working mum who I suppose has always had old fashioned views. I have always done everything for my family. By that I mean home cooked dinners, getting up in the night for the children, all the housework, washing, ironing, childcare, all the usual really but without any support or appreciation from my husband. Needless to say our physical relationship has at times suffered. My husband has always had a very high sex drive (and is very needy in that department) and sometimes I just want a cuddle not sex. He cannot cuddle me without it leading somewhere and as a result I have withdrawn from him and get my cuddles from the children. My husband has basically over the last year completely destroyed me. He constantly tells me how useless I am, he tells me that I am an emotional cripple, he undermines everything that I do and without going into too much detail has basically spent the last 12 months verbally assassinating me. I now cannot even bear him to touch me but he keeps telling me to forget all the crap, stop the war and just give myself to him. Why can't I do this? why can't I just accept that his anger is because of me? He says that he loves me and that his anger is because he feels alone. I feel alone and so sad. Please can someone help me.

GG - Neither of us is 'fixed'. Our relationship with ourself and each other is still a work in progress.
But - In other words, I don't trust him yet. I wonder if I ever will - perhaps at some stage I will decide that that's not good enough. But I'm not there yet.
On the other hand, perhaps we will get to the stage where do I trust him?

Can you tell I have problems making decisions?

Ditto.

I think that those of us in this situation (especially those of us who have just WOKEN up to the actual reality of what we are living with)struggle with making decisions.

We try not to accept what we see and hear, we find it hard to believe what we have become, instinct makes you want to stay because of your children. You do not want to split your family apart.

It is a journey of self exploration really. Deciding whether we can just "make do" or whether we change them/our relationship.

It is very painful and confusing and I suppose we have to give ourselves some time. Most of us in this situation appear to have been with our husbands for many years so we owe it to ourselves to give ourselves time to discover what we really want.

Yes. This stuff doesn't happen overnight. And you don't usually notice it is happening either, and by the time you do, you are not the same person you once were.

But, thank goodness for 'awareness' when it comes.

I sort of agree that we deserve some time, the problem is when this becomes an unconcious excuse to do nothing to change the situation. This is why I felt I needed therapy as well.

Worthless, I just re-read your earlier post. I note that you are hinting that all is not right in the bedroom department (his needs seem to be serviced despite your very understandable low libido). I'm pretty sure that you are avoiding looking in detail at your sex-life and what the balance of power is like there.It's hard work unravelling how many boundries have been trampled over but I would urge you to be open with yourself to think about your own situation and make steps to change it.

It's trite but true that a person can only change if they want to. It's also true that someone who has seen the light won't change forever overnight; they will need to work on themselves over a very long time, and will occasionally revert to bad old habits. On the other hand that does not mean you should put up with the same old crap in exchange for a bunch of fine words and an occasional hand with the housework once in a blue moon (for which, of course, you will be expected to pay with sex). So what can I say... give it time by all means if you are comfortable with it, but don't just sit back and wait. Once you've seen abuse for what it is (call it "deliberate unkindness" if you're unhappy with the stronger term) you need never put up with it again.

Annie - deliberate unkindness perfectly sums it up. And awareness teaches you how another human being knowingly does this......

I would personally test this theory about him being sorry , and id do it quickly instead of investing more time and energy into him.

There is a course called The Freedom Programme , you can find details on the net about it. Its aim is to educate women about abuse , and also to help abusers stop abusing. Its a 12 week rolling course , you can join at any time , and its free .

Perhaps suggest it to him and see what his reaction is. Theres a book you can buy called Living With The Dominater that is part of the course , ( i have a copy of it if your interested ). Its easy to read , is humourless in places , but is informative and to the point.

If he poo poos the idea , i think you know the answer to him being sorry , but i would go on your own if thats the case.

I dont think you should have sex with him , or do things to him sexually , just to keep the peace . Have sex with him when you want to and when hes treating you with respect .

Do men attend this as well?

Yes , i beleive so.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I came to this conclusion just recently, really was a bolt from the blue realisation. I have been a crap wife/good mother. Saying that - that doesn't excuse my husband for some of the resentment and trust issues i had regarding our relationship because of the problems we had from before children. He bombshelled me a few years ago with the i'm cold/unloving /he was going to go off and shag who he wanted and I was going to lump it etc. Don't know if he was having a mini breakdown or had been shagging someone but everything just blew up. A really tough last 2 years but at the moment we are both in a better place and trying to make time for each other/ treat each other with more consideration and respect and hopefully Christmas this year will be much happier than last year when I was looking for a hit man to solve all my problems.

It is me again!!! things calmer at home but I still need help and advice PLEASE.....

Husband definately not so aggressive towards me since my complete outburst last week but still keeps hounding me for some bedroom action.

I know that sex is an important part of a marriage but I just cant bring myself to do it. His patience is wearing very thin with me. We have not had an active sex life for the last 12/18 months due to the many reasons that I have already stated on here so he is understandably very frustrated. He has tried 3 times in the last week and got fed up each time as I have knocked him back and just given him hand relief (sorry to be so crude)

He just does not get it. He cannot understand why I do not want to have sex with him. One week of him not being nasty is just not enough to make me want him. I have told him that it might take me 6 weeks or 6 months to get back to feeling loved enough to "give myself to him" but that in the meantime I want and need us to be friends, to care for each other and to have lots of cuddles and unconditional affection. The trouble is that he cant seem to do this and always has a sexual motive. I too am having trouble with the unconditional affecttion because I believe that he will think that I want sex BUT I DONT I JUST WANT TO TRY AND GET CLOSE AGAIN!!!!!

Is it me - am I truly messed up here??????

Hi OP, I'm not calling you by that nickname as you are so not...

I'm sure some of the more experienced posters will be along soon with a lot better advice than I can give but didn't want this to remain unanswered.

In my opinion you're normal, of course you don't feel loved enough, of course you need a lot longer than just one week's nice behaviour to feel close to him.

If he was an nice decent man he would understand that and back of but from all you've written he's not a decent man. He's an entitled arse who thinks that he 'deserves' to get what he wants cos he's put some effort in. So, he was nice to you for one week, and in that week he was still pestering you for sex?

So so wrong.

You are not messed up, he is.

I am sorry that your DH does just not have the mentality that if he treats a woman well (you) consistently, she will respond nicely back to him. It's like - OK, I've been nice for two days, now give me the goods.

worthless - I know how you feel, and I am now 'being' divorced.

And yes, that bloody hurts too.

I'm very saddened (and a little shocked) by you last post op.

So, after your frank discussion, and his owning up to being abusive towards you (the 'it's not you, it's me' speech) basically nothing has really changed except he now has brownie points that he is cashing in, in the form of pestering you for more sex?

In my case my libido had gradually disappeared and I had accepted this (accepted that it was all my fault also). We would have sex fairly regularly though infrequently - misplaced guilt on my part.
After the point of him owning up to his abusive behaviour, he then started therapy as did I. I remember telling my therapist that I was in the kitchen one morning and I felt sort of funny, it was such an odd feeling and one that I hadn't experienced in years - after a little while it dawned on me that it was that I was feeling in the mood for sex.
It completely shocked me because I realised that no matter how I had convinced myself that it was ok to have sex with H previously - my unconcious/instinctive brain was not going along with it.
I was slowly getting my libido back because H had made definite plans, he was actually taking responsibility for his behaviour and doing something about it.

It took much much much longer than a week or too for all this to happen. The fact that your H thinks that things should be fine now in the bedroom department (because he has not been abusive for a week) is very worrying. It suggests that he really is just saying anything to get him out of a tight corner. Things will slowly creep back to 'normal' - or not so slowly in this case.

newname - it is amazing how someone treating you nicely (and vice versa) enables your natural sexual nature to re-emerge (especially when you think it is dead).

It's like rediscovering your personality.

That is very true, I had zero sex drive for many years, thought I had a very low libido or it was my hormones. Turns out it was the EA marriage I was in at the time. Now I'm out of that marriage and very happy with my DP I've got a higher libido that I've ever had! We've been together over four years now and no sign of slowing down!

Your body has a way of telling you that things aren't right way before your brain catches up.

I used to suffer from migraines, IBS and extreme mood swings. It all stopped when I left my X.

MorganMindy - what a nice post. Extreme mood swings are so awful from the emotional turmoil, and it doesn't help my IBS either!.

Very happy for you.

Being upset and angry from being hurt/confused/uncertain are not conducive to well-being (not surprisingly, I know).

Thank you GG. I hope you get to a happy place in your life soon.

At the time I didn't connect the physical symptoms of stress to my marriage. It was only once I left that they all disappeared and I realised my body had been trying to tell me something for a very long time.

Too many women in bad marriages, when they finally get divorced and move on wish that they had done it 10 years ago - please do not be one of these women!

You are made to feel like the bad person in this when you are not - you must not be made to feel bad when you do not want to have sex with a man that does not feel lovingly towards you! Sex is such an intimate thing, and he needs to woo you and court you again, make you feel loved, give you some tenderness and relight the spark that has gone out.

He must accept that this is about give and take, not just about demanding!

If you have sex with him now, without feeling that magic, then all that you will do is feel even more worthless knowing that you had sex when you didn't want to.

You NEED for him to know how you feel and to know that there is no compromise - it's your way or the high way.

Good luck with a git like him, he's got no right to treat you in this way, and I hope that it stops - quickly.