Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Also, I think that the poster who made the comment about no decent person wanting to prise someone away from their family is spot on. I would be hopping mad if some deranged other woman starting telling me how to bring up my children. How dare she? She sounds like a complete bunny boiler.

If I was in this situation I would limit all contact with partner to bare essentials about child care arrangments. You could even see a solicitor just to see where you would stand with regards to a separation etc.

Be cold, firm and detach from all their stupid games. He is being a prize prat by allowing this woman to meddle in his children's lives. If he was thinking about them at all, he would have kept her firmly away - why mess up their heads with his silly little infatuation? He she keep her completely away from them.

Yes - I would be ANGRY!!!

Got a text from OW this morning 'If you need to speak to me i'm in the car til 3pm'.??? Forwarded it to H, with message: 'Already told her to back off - please ask your bunny boiler to stop txting me'?? Thoughts anyone? Did I do the right thing? Seem to have opened a can of worms!

she uses the phone in the car then ?

yes, entrust your dc's safety to her, she is perfect !

Sorry Solost this is madness. You and OW are now making this about eachother; a battle of wits over a man who is a prize prick.

You should have just said to your H that you are not ready for her to meet your DCs, will not be rushed into telling them anything until their parents have decided what to tell them and not engaged with this immature woman at all.

Your H is too weak and spineless to bat for either of you, really. So he's playing the role of the poor defenceless idiot in the middle of two women who are warring over him. Of course he is getting off on that big time.

This isn't detachment, it is engagement.

ah that's not entirely fair though, solost didn't engage with her, merely asked her H to tell bunny boiler to back off.

Why would she text that to you though?? -seems rather odd given the information we have.

Seems odd also that she would even have your mobile number or that you would recognise hers..

I have a friend who is going through something very similar at the mo, although her DH (darling!) is still living with her and the kids.
He has been back and forth between her and OW for 18 months and I think my friend is reaching breaking point.
I've tried supporting her but we always come back to the same thing - he's a git and she should chuck him out but she doesn't want to "throw away" 15 years of marriage.
She just keeps hanging on in there hoping he'll change.
He won't by the way.

Bowing to the H's pressure to phone the OW at the weekend is engaging with her, in my view. The H should have been told to take a running jump. It is up to him and Solost to sort out what the children are told about his new relationship. It has got absolutely nothing to do with the OW at all. I'm sure he doesn't actually want the DCs to know he is in an adulterous relationship and the real reason he's not living at home is because he's with her. However, he is too much of a coward to tell the OW this, so blames Solost for it.

You can hear the script now, can't you? "Yes darling of COURSE I want to shout about our love from the rooftops and of COURSE I want you to be a part of my children's lives. But Solost is being so tiresome about it. Perhaps you could persuade her? I'll get her to phone you. I know that you'll reassure her and she will see what a wonderful person you are..."

And poor Solost walked right into it. As did the OW for that matter.

Meanwhile he is sitting pretty, completely off the hook again, knowing that his little plan has caused both women to dig their heels in, the children to remain untold and any further demands from the OW to legitimise their relationship will be batted back because of how unreasonable and tiresome his wife can be.

WWIFN: I know, I know, I knew I should'nt have rung her but was so pissed with H going on and on about giving her a ring so she could reassure me that I snapped and said 'alright then, I will'. Felt quite sorry for him when I came of the phone - he was upstairs bathing DC's and was so sure she was going to play 'ball' - he couldn't quite believe her attitude, although as previous posters predicted she talked him round later. You are right, but I have not replied to her text and asked H to tell her not to contact me again. I have also told him in no uncertain terms that I am not interested in playing their 'little games'. Also that, as you correctly pointed out, what we tell OUR children is between ME and H - nothing at all to do with OW. Now back on track after a large wobble.

Glad you're back on track Solost but I wouldn't have felt sorry for him at all. I'm pretty sure this is his game plan, to have you fighting over him and being horrible to one another. I expect he knew exactly how she would respond to your call and that this would incense you. As long as you and the OW are at loggerheads, it takes the heat off of him, after all.

MSBOOGIE: He gave me her no to phone her, she obviously saved mine after I rang her. Still not sure why she texted. Asked H when he called to check on DCs, he mumbled something about her wanting to go through her? if I had anything to discuss? presumably now I am expected to ring her rather than H re: DC's? Really lost the will to live with all this. Have cut all lines of communication, H has texted 3 times this aft, have ignored them. Rang DC's earlier and I made sure I was out of the room and asked kids not to pass phone to me if he calls again as I am too busy at the mo.

WWIFN: I Do think he was genuinely shocked at her reaction. When I told him about her text he begged me not to reply to her. Definately won't be communicating with her again! And won't be persuaded to by H.

Read this whole thread..........All I see is a complete dick playing 2 women off against each other and it's working.

He must be laughing his socks off, having two women blaming each other, fighting each other, etc. Whilst he is in the middle as some booby prize.

Tell him to get stuffed and mean it. Make set bounderies about times with dc's contact, don't respond the OW or forward anything from her, just ignore her and him unless it's in the bounderies of what you agree, re; dc's.

You haven't detached far from it, you are playing the game. Stop trying to 2nd guess them forget it and move on, you are going to be stuck like it playing these silly minds games forever if not. That's the reality.

Solost This is a difficult post to write, but I honestly think it's better that you know what I see here.

You are only 3 months on from believing that you knew your H inside out, could read his every reaction and could tell from his facial expressions exactly what was on his mind.

Then it turned out that actually, you didn't know him well enough at all. He was capable of deceit and lying on a massive scale. Now I suspect you are still of the mindset that his ability to manipulate, deceive and lie was contained within the affair and that now it's all out in the open, those traits have gone.

But they haven't. He's been deceiving the OW about having sex with you. I dread to think the lies he's still telling both of you.

So when you saw his shocked expression in the bathroom when you reported the OW's idiocy, it was in his best interests to look alarmed and horrified. But as you discovered, this didn't last and in fact he caved in even more and had the brass neck to suggest or agree that you should leave him out of the arrangements to see his own children and co-ordinate his movements with his OW.

Now hopefully this was your waterloo moment, but part of that is going to have to be seeing him in a more objective light. He's deceitful and manipulative. That didn't stop when the affair came out into the open. He's certainly not above manipulating you both for his own ends. Now it sounds as though the OW is an idiot who can't see through this and doesn't know when she is being played, but I have far more faith in you.

I think you'd be better off seeing him in a as the respondents to your thread see him, in fact. Just as he will get angry and difficult when he sees you detaching, he will also get frustrated when you refuse to engage in a triangle. He will act like a child who hasn't got his own way.

It's great that you refused to take his calls or respond to his texts. Keep doing that for several days PLEASE. Try if you can to revert to E mails about the children. Any enquiries about how you are should be ignored.

great advice from WWIFN

Solost, it isn't too late for you to take some control here and stop being manipulated by your twat of a husband

the OW is not the problem here

oh my. I get it now. She texted you because she has decided that she is going to deal with you with respect to the children. And he has presumably allowed her to believe that he is going along with this because he is too scared to say no. Is that what you are saying OP?

Shit, that is mental.

They are both loons. You really should have the bare minimum of contact necessary with him. They are going to fuck with your head. You really need to have your wits about you and not get drawn in to anything.

WWIFN: Thanks for the advice, spot on as usual, am trying so hard not to fall into the trap of blaming the OW for everything and seeing H for what he is rather than what I think is her manipulation. You are right, my refusal to enter into the triangle has resulted in constant texts all evening - all of which have been ignored. I do feel much stronger when I don't have any contact and he isn't around. Unfortunately, he is coming over tommorrow evening to see the DC's. Will be prepared, am going to be strong - detatched!

ANYFUCKER: Thanks, am taking control, have told H in no uncertain terms, I am not participating in their 'game'. I will not be contacting OW again, decisions re: DC's are between me and H. Apparently she now accepts this?

MSBOOGIE: Think that was the gist of it from the explanation I got from H. Think he was a bit puzzled also by her text. He asked me not to contact her? Told him I had no intention of doing so and that decisions re: DC's are OUR business - nothing to do with ANYONE else. Am opting out of dealing with both of them, H only when absolutely necessary, you are right it's mental, beginning to think he did me a favour, really wouldnt want all that hassle. My life here with DC's is quiet, content and calm. Wouldnt change it for anything.

Solo you need to make some bounderies on when he comes around, dates and times, you can't just let him turn up whenever, that's not detatching.

He seems to just come around or phone whenever he likes?

It sounds a bit harsh, I know. It's a steep learning curve. The world has stood on its head; you need to look at it a totally new way now. Imagine, if it helps, that he is your husband's evil clone, someone who looks like him but who you don't know and can't trust. Be very wary of this person. You do not know his motives or what he will do next. At the moment he's so not his old self that he is even willing to turn over the care of your children to the bunny boiler, ie he no longer has their interests as his priority. If he isn't manipulative then he's so totally spineless that he's about as good a life partner as a jellyfish. Is this the "real him"? Who knows? But at this point in time, it's the "him" you have to deal with.

Right, well, I'm starting to wonder whether this woman has mental health issues.I know, before anyone says anything, that this is not about the OW but she is clearly extremely manipulative and well, not right in the head, so this is going to be having a knock-on effect on the OP's dealings with the H.

Can you not go out OP when he comes round? And only return when he is due to leave. This would also prevent her making demands about him cutting short his time with the children.

Have read the entirety of the thread now and you are doing remarkably well.

Was naughtily tempted to suggest you send a text/email starting: We shouldn't have slept together... (just to hear the explosion at the OW's house) before you disengage completely (but that's probably a very unworthy idea when you're being so noble and strong )

Anyway, the main reason for posting is to say I agree with Vagabond, telling the children the truth is important.

Found out my father was having an affair by overhearing my mother crying on the phone when I was 11 which put an end to the slightly more sanitised positive spin we were going to get [can now].

Wouldn't have put it past my fantasist father to engineer a meeting without us knowing who she was. He took my younger brother to meet a 'cousin' once (but I did something rather evil that meant he never did it again) and am just wondering if OW might push your hb to engineer an 'accidental' meeting, having been thwarted? Her establishing herself as hb's 'partner' to his children is all about legitimising her position.

Am not suggesting you tell your dcs to outmanoeuvre OW - their needs and yours are THE only priority - but to not let them find out in a way that is beyond your control or that is unnecessarily unkind to them.

I agree with kangaroocourt and then some - HE might or might not engineer a meeting with her at some point in the nearish future; but if he doesn't it sounds as though SHE is mental enough to do so! As in, when it gets to the point that your soon-to-be-exH (and it might help you to start calling him that but if it doesn't, just tell me and I'll revert to calling him your H) wants to take the DC out on a Saturday by himself, even if he starts off being by himself, OW might engineer an "accidental" meeting of them in town/at Maccers/swimming or wherever they go.

I would let the DC know that even though Daddy does love them as much as ever and always will, Daddy has decided he doesn't want to live with Mummy any more because he has found someone he likes better than Mummy. And I would tell them myself, rather than let him put his spin on it.

You're doing so well in an impossible situation.
It strikes me that if he and she continue to mess around with unsolicited phone calls/texts, dropping in to see the children as and when and then cutting short visits to suit her, then contact might be best arranged via a solicitor? Or at least you could suggest it. Might open his eyes a little further?
From what I have read, it seems that he is almost in 'holiday mood' with regard to his new lifestyle and how it will blend with yours.

I would agree with thumbwitch, nex time he is around tell the children, I would not tell him you are planning on telling them, just do it and leave him to deal with the fall out, sit there and love and hug, be honnest as thumbwitch said!

I am sorry to hear that the drama triangle is being aluring again, you don't need to speak to or text anyone or pass on any messages, as I often tell my children the rescurer is the greatest loosser which you were when you passed on the text message! I would pretend ow does not excist when she and your oh/ex attempt to draw you into the drama triangle she so loves. As i said before the ow in our situation, was reliving her family of origin dysfunction by using us and the children to watch back from a place of safety to recreate her childhood, a life full of drama!

I've watched and read this thread for a while now. I don't often post on affair threads as I haven't been in your position and disecting the intracies of behaviours sometimes seems inappropriate when I haven't "been there".

That being said sometimes the problem is so glaringly obvious that I cannot help move from shouting at the screen to posting and yours is one of those threads.

Please please listen to WWIFN, emmylou and AF : This isn't about the OW it is about your prick of a H. I know it must be hard but you need to face up to that. No one on here has any idea of what the OW is like.

You only know in the context of what your H is telling you and a conversation that he engineered if you think he is telling you anything close to the truth you are deluded. He is playing you off against each other, encouraging you both to see the worst in each other (and I am not for a minute suggesting you should see any good in her but seeing her as the mad woman does you a diservice - she is being as manipulated by your H as you are) I am sorry if that is painful to hear but he is playing you both.

You think you can "win" him because you have history, children and have had sex. The OW thinks she can "win" him because they are soulmates he has left you and they are having sex. He is just getting sex from both of you, telling you both what you want to hear and getting to behave as he damn well pleases.

STOP FIGHTING OVER THIS FUCKWIT.

Solost, I know you haven't acknowledged me on this thread, but just to pick up a point someone made and it is what I was getting at last night, now is the time to get a solicitor involved, now, right now.

He is messing with you both, you are both his toys and with you two hating each other, he gets of scott free and it's all a game and he gets his ego boosted.

You are now technically the OW, he is with her, he has made that choice, it's time to accept it.

It's not acceptable for him to keep phoning you and texting you, why should he? It's harrasment you are nothing to do with him anymore. I am all for absent fathers seeing their kids, but this cannot be at his beck and call. He lost all rights to make demands on their and your times when it suits him, when he shacked up with OW.

Part of the reality of running off with OW, is you leave your wife and kids behind, no more strolling in, putting them to bed, bathing them whenever he feels the urge and is missing them, tough he gave that up.

If you are ever to move on and get stability in your childrens lives and yours, they need set access really, especially with how things stand now, it will go on forever otherwise.

If he wants to come back he will, if he won't, he won't you are currently not helping the cause. Time to get firm, see a solicitor and begin sorting out formal access and money arrangements. Then just stay away from them both, ask him not to contact you out of access arrangements.

He is a dickhead and right now he has you where he want's you.