Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

SoLost - don't be surprised if she manages to bring him round - he only heard the second part of the convo, remember, so she will be able to tell him that you attacked her first and that she was so shocked that you were being so nasty and unreasonable that she said things without thinking.

Remember that this woman has set out to get your DH, to fully involve herself in his whole life and she does NOT Give A Shit who gets hurt in the process, so long as she gets her way. Your DH is not likely to have the scales fall fully from his eyes until the novelty/sex has worn off - which might not be for a while yet.

Please don't call her again, ever, H insistence or not. It's not worth it. Well done for keeping your cool this time though! But it will still be used against you.

I do hate the fact that it really doesn't matter whether you are psychotic, uncontrollably sad, cool and icy, civil and reasonable or any other variation on reaction - you still lose. The deviousness employed against you always wins against honesty, IMO, and it bugs the hell out of me. Still - only thing to do is what sits comfortably with you and what won't cause you to suddenly cringe when you remember it.

SoLost

I will now give you the hardest advice outside of Mumsnet.

Take on board what the posters have said but DO NOT GO BACK ON LINE for 48 hours.

Think and think hard without outside interference and think about what has been said and advised. Good or bad - do not 'feed' on the advice. Absorb it and use what feels right to you.

I hope this makes sense - I was given this advice and the phrase 'sleep on it' makes huge sense to me now - it didn't then

blimey, it is like looking back at history, re the ex and ow he left for... actuallly she was very demanding regarding seeing the children, she scared the hell out of me! I was right to trust my instincts, it turned out her mother allowed her father and stepfather to abuse them both, there were drunks and mysterious deaths, three year court case where father tried to prove mother a bad mother... loads of other stuff... she was well odd after months of insisting on seeing the children and abusing and bullying me, made sure they would not want to go back... long long painfull story..... I don't think she wanted them and I don't think ex wanted them, they both put on a show of wanting the children and trying to make out it was me not wanting the children in their lives, after years of crap eventually he left their lives, she and he are still trying to destroy through finances... they are married now, this has gone on for years... you have my every sympathy, I think someone put it so well she is a cookoo... and she and the ex were both abusive and both welcome to one another! by the way he started smoking/ drinking to excess and taking drugs when he got with her apparently it was my fault despite having spent years with me and not living that kind of life, he moves in with a drunk/smoker/druggy with weirdo idea's and takes them on... I am so upset for you and your dc x

I can feel a flaming here about the 48 hours but when I was going though what OP was going through I was not thinking straight and needed time to absorb the good/bad advice.

Everyone is different I know. I will back off.

Sorry SoLost - feel free to post. Not my right to tell you otherwise.

suncottage, don't really understand your post?

Just wanted to add, a former friend had kids herself, her second husband had kids, they both left current spouses for one another and had more kids. She was not satisfied until she prised each and every kid from his ex wife, she hated his ex wife, she didn't even like the kids, she went out of her way to make the kids like her, she said as that was what her second husband wanted and she wanted him to have what he wanted, she said she was scared he would take their kids off her if they split up, she was scared he was having affairs, she runs around after him, she sexually humiliates herself for him, she starves herself for him, they have been married for years! I don't think there is really a happy ending for anyone especially the children x

Solost,

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that your husband wants your approval and reassurance; but only to alleviate his guilt. That's why he calls all the time 'to make sure you're ok'. Deny him the pleasure of your assurance by either not taking his calls or by telling him that "of course I"m not ok, you fuckity fuck-wit'

The new woman is obviously shaky. I would refer to her in his company only as the BB - the bunny boiler. That will subtly get under his skin. Believe me.

Insist on telling the children why you have split. They will find out anyway in the future and will feel aggrieved if they know they've been lied to. From what I've read most counsellors agree on telling the truth to children. Tell your husband that it's time to tell the children the truth. This will understandably terrify him. Also, there is nothing quite so daunting, hollow and as un-romantic for your H as explaining to your darling children that he has left the marriage and family home because he found his 'soul mate'. Besides which, it is your children's right to know the truth.

Your conversation with the OW, and her unbelievable arrogance, will certainly have put your husband in a tailspin. He might have convinced himself up until now that he is doing the right thing, but the OW's response to your phone call could be the start of some serious doubts. My advice is to not react: he'll be full of self-doubt already. Let it fester like the boil that it is.

Be strong! Ask him to babysit so you can go out! And then - actually do go out and have fun - sounds like you really bloody deserve it! Best wishes, Vx

Solost, I also just wanted to say don't be surprised if OW talks him back round with regards to the phone call. At the time with my H I found out a lot of stuff the OW had lied about and was basically playing us off against each other. I sat him down and told him it all, he seemed to understand my point and agreed when I called her a stupid bored child messing with our lives. She talked him round from it and it was me who was the bad guy.

I spoke to my H OW quite a bit at times during the first 6 months and wish I hadn't. She told me stuff about how she wanted to be 'stepmum' to our DC, text messages he had sent her etc. She even told me she was finished with it and I was welcome to him - lie after lie. I understand the need to talk to her but I would leave it now.

Like suncottage when my H left for this OW it wasn't the first time. He had actually cheated the year before (a one night thing with yet another young girl ) He was full of remorse that time, told me would never happen again that he stopped it half way through as just couldn't do that to me and DC. We worked through that and I even fell pregnant with DC3 thought our marriage was back on track (wasn't a fix it baby btw a surprise baby!) But in less than a year from that first time (and yes while I was pregnant with DC3) he was with the OW.

I know that it can work out different and not all are like my H but it is all about what you want now not him.

What support network you have in RL is so important and I'm sure your friends are not getting fed up of hearing about it. If it was the other way round I'm sure you would still be there for your friends.

Your doing really well and can tell you are getting stronger.

Solost - how are you doing today? Maybe you are taking Suncottages advice? Which is actually very good advice. Sometimes it's easy to get 'lost' in the MN world. It doesn't give you time to grieve/think/feel and it can shape your thoughts in a way they wouldn't be shaped if left to your own devices.... now that's not always a bad thing, sometimes it's a very good thing... but at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make - not us. So you have to be sure you have made the decisions that are right for you - not us x

MSBOOGIE: She did seem seriously unhinged, and the stuff she said about my mum-in-law, how she was no longer anything to do with me! That the in-laws were her and H's business actually. She really lost it. H was pretty shocked too, was certain she was going to 'put my mind at rest' certainly pissed on his bonfire so to speak. Won't ring again, apparently when he got back she was 'really shaken up' by MY attitude!!!! Oh dear, my heart bleeds!

THUMBWITCH: She seems to already have talked him round, see previous post. The excuses he used for her last night included, I probably scared her??, she was defensive???, she had been drinking??? And he wants me to let our DC's into her care. Not bothered anymore really, kept my dignity, have no regrets. I sent him a text last night using some of words MN'ers wrote - think some of them could have been yours re: projecting her needs feel better and ease her guilt by trying to make the relationship legit etc. She asked to see the text and he showed her. She read it but didnt comment apparently. And now has agreed to back off. For how long am not too sure. Am not holding my breath!

SUNCOTTAGE: Thanks for your advice, I do appreciate your concern and see where you are coming from - managed almost 24 hours! I do read everyone's advice but ultimately I do make up my own mind. It is very helpful though to hear other peoples story's especially those who have been through similar experiences. Friends in the RW sometimes tell you what you want to hear, maybe? Think for the last few weeks I have needed wake up all and stern talking to!

MUMMIEHUNNIE: Thanks for posting, I agree there is not gonna be a happy ending for the DC's. Just trying to make H see that - he really can't @ the moment though.

VAGABOND: Thanks, have already started using the 'bunny boiler' tag, is pissing him off already. Not sure am ready to tell the DC's the whole story yet though. Think I need to be emotionally strong enough to deal with the fall-out. Am getting there though, feel stronger every day now. WWIFN was right, the more you take control, the in control you feel.

MOONCHASER: I won't call her again. Have heard quite enough tbh. The call really just confirmed my feelings about her, but was supposed to reassure. H was talked around by her, was not in the least surprised. The only comment I made was that as the mother of his children I deserved a little more respect from her and that as I keep reiterating decision regarding the DC's are nothing to do with her. He agreed, but he always does. Not that bothered, I am the one who is here 24/7 for them and I ultimately will decide what is best for them.

CHIPPINGIN: I am fine today, been working so no contact with DH. He rang me after work to check I was OK after last night, ignored 3 calls answered 4th. Kept it short and to the point. Yes am fine, no am not stressed/upset re: last night, thanks for calling, gotta go. I kind of agree with your comments about getting lost in the MN world but have'nt really thought about anything today - have been to busy. Really appreciate everyone's comments, its good to get a different perspective and hear peoples experiences. All my friends are married - very rare I know, or single so they've not a lot of experience of this. They do listen etc. but I do feel guilty about bending their ears all the time!

Hi Solost, what have you planned for yourself for the next few days that does not revole around others in the current drama?

Have you ever head of the drama triange? I wish I had, it may be something you want to look at and drag yourself out of and leave them to their drama!

HI Mummiehunnie, not heard of the drama triangle! do know where you are coming from. Have already detached myself from the situation and am working for the next few days so no contact. Tbh H is in such a mess atm don't really want any contact at all. Am taking your advice, Solost has left the drama!

HI Mummiehunnie, not heard of the drama triangle! do know where you are coming from. Have already detached myself from the situation and am working for the next few days so no contact. Tbh H is in such a mess atm don't really want any contact at all. Am taking your advice, Solost has left the drama!

HI Mummiehunnie, not heard of the drama triangle! do know where you are coming from. Have already detached myself from the situation and am working for the next few days so no contact. Tbh H is in such a mess atm don't really want any contact at all. Am taking your advice, Solost has left the drama!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle - Cached - Similar

Mummiehunnie, thanks I have read. Not something I want to be part of. God what kind of strange world am I being drawn into. Have detached!

Solost - you are doing really well - hang in there :)

Solost, I am also impressed with your strength and emotional intelligence displayed on this thread

You are worth a million of him, and her

solost, well done you. Your strength rings through in your posts. You are worth a thousand of those two put together and you are doing an admirable, amazing bloody job of holding things together for your children..

He has lost, no, thrown away, the most important thing in the world; to live under the same roof as his children and their mother. And what for? some barmy desperado with a few sex gimmicks and the trick of making him feel like he is the only man on earth. That's some swap eh? and one he will come to regret whether they manage to survive her bunny boiling ways not.

I bet the sex between them isn't even all that, tbh

It often isn't in these situations

One last thing - when he calls to see if you are okay (eg after the call with her), do NOT let him off the hook with an "I'm okay now". He's only looking to assuage his guilt and if you say that he cam kid himself it's just teething trouble as everyone readjusts and one day it'll be fine.

Tell him: 'No, of course I'm not fine. Being shouted at was frightening (even if you know that if you did catch her trying to boil the family pet you'd have her in a headlock in 2 seconds flat :)' ) or: 'I'm worried a woman so unstable and dramatic / who copes with stress by getting drunk (!) is going to have access to my children, I don't think I want that'. Or - 'no, you KNOW why I am not okay, I am VERY upset, but that's just the result of YOUR choice, isn't it?'.

Go on, rub it in and watch him wriggle. He deserves it.

I'm so glad that someone mentioned the drama triangle because this is exactly what is going on here! Always be aware of drama triangles, not just in relationships but with friends, work etc. The best thing to do is to walk away and completely detach from it. Once you are now longer "playing" their game will start to seem dull. The OW sounds incredibly emotionally immature so he will probably tire of her. But by then you may have moved on - that's the risk he has taken.