Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

nancy, you should post more often on these threads

and not just 'cos you agree with me

Solost, how are you today. I really do admire your strength, tbh. We are just trying to help you to use it in the way that will help you the best and prevent you wasting it on inappropriate battles.

AF I fear I too often lack sympathy for these threads, I'm not good with the handholding and hugging but sometimes the position seems so jaw droppingly obvious that I can't help but speak as I find.

Solost there is something else that comes through from your posts and I accept it may be my misinterpretation so don't let me upset you, but if true you need to think about it.

I get the impression that you are enjoying your H phoning and texting and being the subject of his attention. You certainly don't see it as harassment do you? (and I don't think it is FWIW - foolish and misguided yes but you haven't made it clear to him in any way that his attentions are unwelcome). None of this is wrong but I suspect your reason for welcoming it is that you see it as part of your competition with the OW - am I right in thinking you enjoy the feeling of getting one over on her because your H talks to you about their realtionship and suggest all is not rosey?

I am not criticising and such feelings would be completely natural but please recognise that they are encouraged by your H, for his ends. It suits his agenda for you to feel superior to the OW and equally for her to feel superior to you.

OP, please value yourself more.

He is treating you two women like - buy one/get one free. Can you think of yourself as more of a valuable commodity.

You need to start putting some boundaries and your own rules in place to get back your self-esteem and self-worth. I think yours has been so worn-down, you are accepting treatment by him, that, with a higher self-worth, you would not. Also, it is, in honesty, disruptive to the dc and they need a more stable, settled life.

I have not been in your position, but I know all about being manipulated/taken for granted, losing all my pride/self-esteem... and allowing stuff to happen which was purely based on the emotional mess I was (ok, still am, but work-in-progress).

Also, nancy, because OP is still so totally emotionally attached to her H, then, it can be a sad fact that - any communication is better than none at all.

Totally agree with Nancy Drew.

And also agree that is totally normal as well for you to want to have ?any? form of contact with him, even negative contact. It?s all raw and fresh

If you think that he lives 100 miles away now, and still sees kids, and comes over Saturday etc etc. He probably sees you as much as OW.

He's nowhere near having to face up to life without you, as you are still heavily involved with him.

Please please please get a solicitor. Find out what the finical situation is, and get it implemented. You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable by not dealing with this. Yes he is paying the bills now, but what happens when you don't play his game anymore - will he withdraw this overnight. This is the man that has given up his family for a bit of skirt - do not trust him - and take steps to protect yourself, and more importantly your children.

How are you honestly going to move on with your life and another partner if your husband is still controlling you financially.

Please please please get a solictor - and if you don't feel comfortable telling H that you appointed one dont. But do collect and process all the information they can give you so you are forewarned.

Do you contribute as well financially to the bills etc., OP. If he pays for the majority of it, this will just be used as a weapon against you.

Nancydrew - you speak sense.
But - speaking as one who has been in similar situation to the OP - you might be too early with your advice. My mum spent a lot of time telling me hard truths - and I railed against them in the early days, because, as gardenglory says, I had too much emotion still invested in him.
As time goes by, the emotional attachment reduces and it becomes easier to see the extreme fuckwittery for what it truly is - and then to act on it, realising that there is no hope left of a reconciliation.

Currently the OP is still half and half hoping that her H will come back, regardless of what the rest of us think is more likely - and therefore she is unlikely to act on the hardest of advice until she is more sure that her marriage is truly kaput.

I do agree that contacting a solicitor at this stage to talk over options is a good idea - no need to tell the H just yet, but good to have the advice at the ready.

Op, it is very easy to feel addicted to the drama of a situation like this and to feel addicted to the relationship to the person with strong narcissistic traits, with its rollercoaster of highs and lows. I know. I've been there. You need to go cold turkey on this addiction and cut contact with your H - it's the only way.

I didn't want to say and I am glad others have in a better way to me, this is all coming across as an addiction type thing, but didn't know how to put it.

It's great you are coming here for help advice etc, but it does all seem such a drama (I know it is to you) but what I mean is it feels like you need it.

All the fuss he makes, all the fuss she makes then coming here relaying it back, then the cycle starts again. It's like an addiction you are thriving off. Not saying you are enjoying it, but it's like an addiction ifyswim.

It's the only way I can describe it, I am not as literate as some here, so wouldn't want to offend. I think for your own sanity you need to start cutting contact with him now and do it through a solicitor for the children and you.

thumbwitch I see that. I would imagine it would be impossible for solost not to remain emotionally invested after such a long relationship For that reason I would actually caution against seeing a solicitor, unless there are any immediately pressing issues such as how the mortgage will be paid this month and certainly if that involves getting into any sort of legal wrangle with the OW. (Please no letters asking her to back off etc)

What concerns me is that the OP is interpreting her H's contact and attention as a sign he wants to be with her over the OW rather than seeing it as (the more likely scenario) that he does care about her (in his own fuckwitted way) that he does miss and want to see his children and that he does want to salve his conscience by not disappearing completely and being a total fuckwit.

Solost - you don't need to cut contact with your H, although you need to stop being available and you definitely need to stop having sex with him.

You need to stay out of everything to do with the OW - don't for gods sake call her or refer to her in a derogatory manner with your H (no matter how much that feels like you a taking a step closer to him at her expense). Don't allow him to talk about her on a personal level with you. Simply say you don't want to know and change the subject.

Keep the channels of communictaion open and be civil with him, you have children together and unless there is something you haven't said you both want what is best for them, but don't be at his beck and call.

Give yourself some space and stop directing your hurt at the OW. She may or may not be crazy but she didn't do this to you. He did. Stop giving him the impression that what he has done is OK.

And above all else remember actions speak volumes over words.

Oh and finally (honestly this will be my last word!) if the OW dumped him today and moved away and he turned up asking for you back. Would you take him? Really? Because my bet is you wouldn't but you have lost sight of that beacuse you are so deeply entrenched in a competition from which if you stepped back for just a minute you would realise you don't even want to win.

Re the addiction thing with the drama of the situation, I remember that also, I was almost ashamed of it and did not know how to make the situation stop, I think he and she were just as addicted. I remember not long ago responding to ex's email once I had learned to remove myself from the drama I had to answer him for legal matters, and he was trying to play his normal game of corner, which I was managing to stay out of, eventually he said this is boring, after another few tries of cornering me and saying how bored he was, he left me alone, and instructed a solicitor. I am sure they are either plotting against me to try and continue the drama somehow or have found someone else to join in their games!

I agree that you need to go to the csa and get some legal advice, and stick to contact and finances, and have contact away from the home and you! I think going cold turkey is not going to be a good idea it will wind him up more, and could hurt the children, just don't play the game!

Have someone to hand over dc for a while to give you a bit of removal from him?

OP - I was about to suggest the same as gardenglory, can either someone else be there tonight and you go out, or coud you have someone over there too to make it hard for him to talk to you about anything over than the DCs.

Also, if you haven't already, it's about time you started the ball rolling legally - it's much better if you've already got advice and got things straight in your head, rather than leave it to him and you be on the back foot.

Solost, hope you are ok.

This is where my opinion differs to most solost. I think all the time you answering that 4th call, or letting him come home as normal whenever he feels like it is playing the game.

I think the more you allow yourself to be in these situations, the worse it's going to get as he really does have the best of both worlds dosen't he!

I think you do need to detatch for your own sanity and keep it on kids and finances on your terms, when you say not his.

I also think dawdling along like this with no legal advice is a huge mistake. The man is a cheat and a liar and already detatching from his dc's due to the OW. He could pull the rug on you at any time, rememeber that, get yourself covered. This could all be a cover from him to keep you sweet you know until he files divorce himself or suddenly pulls the financial plug. Get in first, otherwise you could regret it, he is with her now. They are playing games.

Get advice, and make the arrangements more formal would be my advice. But then it's up to you, you may feel you can continue like this as it will unless you get formal.

Although I think the husband is the true villian of the piece here, you can bet your bottom dollar the OW is pulling the strings behind the scenes. He is just too weak and of poor morals to see that.

She will be soon be (if not already) whispering in his ear about how he has done his best by his kids, and did they really need so much financial support ? Shouldn't their mother be going out to find FT work ? Why should he pay the mortgage on a house he isn't living in ??

ad infinitum and ad nauseum

Solost...get your financial affairs sorted. Before you turn round and find out OW has out-manouvred you while you angst over answering/not answering his calls.

nancydrew - I remember all too well I had one phonecall from my ex where he seemed to be expressing doubt that he had done the right thing going off with this OW. One call. Out of the many others. And I felt as though a corner had been turned, that was it, he was coming back, it was all over with her - for the weekend while I was away. Then on the MOnday I phoned him to let him know I was back in town and he was out shopping with her - it was like a bucket of ice being thrown over me.

You clutch at straws, you read far too much into any little thing at this stage - you make excuses, you blame anyone other than the person who is most at fault at this stage - but this stage comes to an end. And it does it in variable time, depending on lots of factors.

For example, my Mum insisted I should go cold turkey and not see the ex - he had to come to the house every weekend to do stuff I refused to do - and for the first 3m, I was there when he came, to try and get sense of what had happened, and to really get to grips with the situation. Plus, yes, part of me wanted to see him. But after those 3m, I knew the end had come and I chose not to see him ever again. Unluckily for SoLost, she doesn't have that luxury because of the DC - but it happens. You realise. And people can tell you until they're blue in the face how you OUGHT to be going about it, and it will all get taken on board, but IME you still won't do it until you're ready.

SoLost - I do think you need to stop answering his calls at all, and definitely have no truck with the OW - either in telling your H that she has contacted you, or in replying. If necessary, get her number blocked if you can.

And you are going to have to have a serious talk with your H about how things are going to progress with regards to the house, maintenance, divorce etc. He is cruising at the moment, he doesn't have any hard thinking to do - make him think about it.

TW, I totally agree with everything you have said

You can take a horse to water....etc

Would you agree though that hearing these things is all part of the process you go through. That you get there in the end, and people's good advice will find chinks in your wall of denial ?

It has to be done at your own pace, however the harsh realities do need pointing out along the way, even if you know someone isn't ready to act they are absorbing all the time

I would want to be told the truth about a situation, because when you are in the middle of it, you just can't see the reality (until you are ready).

yep agree with af about ow wispering in the ear those things and pulling strings in backgound, have you ever heard a seond wife talk they think they come before the kids and his money is theirs, and speak about how they have kids etc and how terrible ex wife is etc, it is all a game of one up man ship... she will have him raging at you and kids soon about the money, she views his money as hers now, jsut as she views his kids and every minute of his time!

I agree AF, that the things need to be said. I don't know how much of being told the harsh truth delays realisation (because you are railing against it) and how much seeps in subconsciously, iyswim. I don't think anyone can know that, and it probably depends on the individual's personality type as well.

So while I agree that the things need to be said, perhaps being too blunt can be counterproductive at this stage? I don't know - only speaking from my experience - I know I resisted extreme bluntness. Introducing the ideas slowly, more subtly, seems to bypass the resistance and may have more effect. IME.

Do you know why second wives do that? The facts are most men who leave for ow regret it within five years, weather they stay with second wife or not, they don't admit this to second wife! The thing is second wife knows this on a subconciouis level, he loved someone else and had kids first with someone else and as the title speaks as a second wife they will alwyas be second in so many ways, the thing is (I am talking about second wives who had affair with married father here!) they seek out this very destructive, insecure, painfull and dramatic relationship!

TW, do you think there has been too much bluntness on this thread ?

Serious question, am not asking for individual posts, nor a row (nor for anyone else to jump in, btw)

In rl you dont get as much bluntness AF, and bluntness is hard to hear on a computer screen when upset and alone sometimes, although it is what is needed! I suppose that is the danger of forums!

Thumbitch AF I agree.

I'd just like to clarify my point re the solicitor. I don't believe that just because someone has an affair they are a bad person. So for me it doesn't doesn't follow that a man will screw you financially just
because he has left you. solost you know your H better than anyone else here but if he is behaving reasonably at the moment in terms of financial arrangements and you feel able to lay down some rules re his seeing the children and
finances yourself then do. You must not let things coast but you don't necessarily need to geta lawyer. They are expensive, can cause conflict and unless you have a specific problem at this stage you can make formal arrangements yourself.

OP, having someone hand over the dc - sometimes this is very useful - to go 'cold turkey' - like withdrawing from a self-destructive drug - to look after yourself.