Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Solost - how are you feeling about wanting him back now - have you got past that, or would you take him back if he wanted to come back?

I really, really feel for you - it's a shitty situation to be in.

{Been there - done that - acted similar to you! But didn't have any kids.)

HORSESANDCHICKENS: I didn't get thru - she wouldnt pick up the phone! Probably did me a favour - you are right, don't want her to think she's pushing my buttons. H coming round this evening to see DCs and discuss, will try to get through to him then - wish me luck! H's parents are great, but it's very difficult for them, I can see that whenever we go to see them, we remind them of what their DS has done and I can see their hurt. But the DC's love them so much and I would NEVER stop them seeing their grandparents - they have a great relationship!

If he is coming round tonight, you could maybe write him a letter - so he can reflect on what you want to say. And also for him to see how important this is to you.

Explain to him this isn't about making her feel better, it's about his kids feelings, and all the knock on effects that will have on.

He took on the responsibility of being a father, and he should bloody well respect that - and do the job properly instead of pandering to someone elses whims.

For what it's worth I think the OW has picked the wrong battle. It highlights her lack of understanding of children, and how precious childhood and innocence is.

It's actually very sad that she will project her need to fell better/ease the guilt by trying to make the relationship more legit in her eyes, by the kids knowing. It's so incredibly selfish. What a sad pathetic person she is.

I've just another thought - why was H to tell just your DS?

Does she think he is old enough to understand ??? Maybe she wants the kids to get distressed and not want to see there father. He will then not be leaving her to see them.

Thats probably not that helpful to think about I know - but justwondering why just your DS - The OW has no kids she has no idea of the emotional maturity of an nearly 11 years old.

Horses - I bet that's exactly what she's up to. Getting rid of an inconvenience while feigning concern. Have you been to a solicitor yet, btw? A letter setting out just how much of his monthly hotels and fun budget is going to be diverted to those pesky dcs will infuriate her something rotten, while also impressing on him you are moving on and he is going to have to live like that if he continues on his present path.

abedelia - your dead right about a solicitor.

I think it will 'focus' his mind 100% and pull the rug slightly. He's used to accommodating SoLost, who panders to him - not the kick ass Solost, who'll protect her kids interest like any mother lion. Go on shock him Solost.

I just wonder if your ready to make those steps solost. Just becasue a solicitors involved doesn't mean there isn't a road back. But it will bring his attention to the fact your not messing about.

Hi Solost, I am a woman whose DH left for OW and then returned. One of things that made my DH sit up and think about the OW's motives (when we were discussing the ins and outs of the affair) was something Happywoman posted about her DH and his OW and that is what sort of friend does he think the OW is to him if she is actively helping him destroy his family and his DC's emotional wellbeing ie no TRUE friend would ever encourage you to do that under any circumstances, that the OW only really cares about herself and how everything is impacting her and nobody else because obviously she wouldn't have entered into the affair otherwise. This does not detract from your DH's responsibility BTW, just making his query the OW's motives.

I did tell my 10yr old DS what was happening because my DH took my DC to OW's without my knowledge, when I found out I felt I had to explain to my DS what was going on because he was so distressed by everything that I felt the truth was best so he didn't think he was the cause of anything as kids do tend to blame themselves for everything and my DS was/is extremely sensitive. I just said that mummy had found out that daddy had a girlfriend which wasn't very nice and mummy was very upset. DH didn't return home straight away, stayed at his mum's for 2/3 months whilst we worked on the relationship, going to Relate etc. My DH apologised to the oldest DSs for what he had done and how he was going to make it up to everyone. In a way I think it helps for children to see that adults can make mistakes and can make things right again. Obviously I would rather than none of it had ever happened and my DH has to live with what he has done .....

Sorry for the ramble, hope it makes some sense

Second the solicitor and (if you have any of his stuff left in the house), pack it into black sacks and give it to him (or better still make him pack it up ) - that was the wake up call my DH needed, me seeing a solicitor and ALL his stuff in bin bags ....

I would love you to do the boxes solost.

I'm sure somebody said on another thread that seeing his stuff in boxes was the wake up call - that this was reality - not the fluffy, palpitation inducing affair.

Men are visual creatures after all.

Why don't you try one box/bag tonight??

SoLost

I agree totally with ANYFucker and WWIFN. I have been in your situation and wish MN's had been around then.

Keep your head high, he has EVERYTHING to gain from your loss of control. Keep your cool, your dignity and get your friends round you.

Do not be fooled by his guilt, deceit and lies.

One day you will look back at this period and make sure that you do so with pride.
Think through everything you do and say three times and never let impulse (or wine) make a decision for you.

Main advice - get your friends and family and keep them close

.

Good luck matey - you wil be okay but it will be shit for a time - I am happier now than I ever thought possible - a lovely DP, a lovely home and a job I am very happy in.

Ex DH is no longer part of my life - that is why I am happy

Yep - the bin bags worked very well, my ex - dh had an ego the size of Mount Everest - oh the shame when he had to collect his stuff in bin liners and not a beautifully packed steamer trunk

How surprising - worked on mine, too! I installed an access rota for children and stuck to it (no more invading my house and staying to read them bedtime stories like he'd done when we were a couple), then packed all his crap into bags and delivered it to his mate's. Helped focus the mind and show him the real future...

SoLost

Also my ex-dh had cheated the year before with his best friend's wife - I took him back - he did it again and lied and lied and lied.

Please, please NEVER phone the OW - it will only be used against you. This is going to be very, very hard to hear but they are 'in love' and will hit back at anything that gets in the way. That will include you.

Save yourself any further hurt by concentrating firstly;

On yourself - stay healthy, eat, rest, exercise - if you fall apart nothing will be gained by it.

Your DC's - make sure they are aware that you are now a team but this does not mean that Daddy is excluded - just that the 'rules' are a little different

At the risk of repeating myself - get your friends and family around - I cannot believe, looking back, that I actually cried with laughter with friends during a horrid break up. They kept me sane and grounded and gave some fantastic and some not so fantastic advice. I can never thank them enough.

Get a lawyer. NOW. Just for a chat and advice

You will get through this - whether it is alone or with your newly restored and contrite DH.

But in my experience the trust and love went after the first affair.

[sending very un-MumsNet hugs we are generally a friendly punch on the arm and give you a wedgie sort of bunch- but believe me the support I have had on here when I was going through a bad time was amazing. Thanks guys]

My God, what a bunny boiler this woman is.The scales will fall from his eyes one of these days and he will see her for the needy neurotic,pathetic, creep she really is. I hope by then Solost that you will have washed your hands of him and he will be left alone as he deserves.

She is completely paranoid that he will return home so she thinks that she can prevent that by involving the children in this new reality. If they know then it becomes real - she is legitimised and he won't go home to his family.. How fucking pathetic to depend upon the heartbreak of small children to shore up her sense of legitimacy??

In your shoes I would threaten to tell the children that this woman has stolen their daddy away from them and that unless she lays off with her demands you will make sure the children know what they have both done to your family. Of course you are not going to do or say anything to hurt those kids but if this idiot pair judge you by their own low standards they will believe your threat.

Oh and pack his stuff and tell him you are seeing a solicitor about a divorce.

You have had some really good advice here.

I would second the tell your children as little as possible but always the truth.

I would also agree that it is time to get some legal advice. Many solicitors will give you half an hour free to see how you get on with them. This is, as someone else said, not a point of no return. Just think of it as a fact finding mission. Finding out what situation you will be in will help you stay in control.

Lastly, may I just add my congratulations. You are having a shit time and dealing with it so very well. Keep your chin up, pack his things (personally I would not let him do it) and ensure your children know when they will be seeing their dad next. Then use that time for you.

Ok, here goes, I rang OW this evening - I know, I know!! H insisted on it actually, have had a day discussing whether/what to tell kids and H kept going back to the fact that OW felt I was DAMAGING?? the DCs by not telling them the truth. He said 'give her a ring, she wants to reassure you that she wants the best for the kids, if you ring you will see that she means no harm, just wants the best for them'. So I went into the garden and rang her, (he didn't realise - was playing with the DC's). Well to cut a long story short, was not reassured in the slightest, was told in no uncertain terms the our children ARE her business, that she WILL be a huge part of their lives in the future etc. etc. I kept my cool, basically told her to back off and that any decisions regarding the DC's were to be made by me n H - nothing to do with her. She didn't like that one bit. H came into the garden half way through the call and heard part of my side of it. Had to cut the call short because DD came out to see where I was. H was really shocked I think, saw a side to OW he hadn't before, he thought she would be all nice and reassuring - she wasn't. Said he had a lot to think about when he left and that he would leave what to tell the DC's and when up to me - but heard that before.

Solost - phoning the OW is not the crime of the century but doing it because your H "insisted" is not so good. He has no right to insist on anything. You have your own values and standards which are clearly far removed from theirs. Adopt the moral highground and enjoy the view. I promise you won't regret it. I am there now, come and join me .

SoLost

Please, please do NOT call her - in a few months time she will probably be history,

I cannot believe he made you call her (actually I can because my ex DH did the same to me) he really thought we could be 'mates'.

Listen to the women on here who have been there and made the same mistakes. Please. Please. Please. Just read and take in the advice I beg you.

Solost - well done for keeping your cool I would have been so tempted to tell her the when hell freezes over will she have anything to do with your DC, well done.

I am afraid I had a conversation with DH today and didnt go too well, I had a course yesterday with an exam to pass, and my exH texted from his holiday to check I was ok because he was worried, DH didnt text to wish me luck and it made me realise how selfish he is these days, so I texted him and told him which apparently made him feel very stressed last night and today. He rang me and explained that I was the best friend he had ever had and he doesnt want to lose that, and that we had a unique relationship, so I said obviously not unique enough. Got really upset as usual and asked him how I could hurt him as much as he has hurt me, do I need to run off and sh*g an 18yr old, would that also help me get over you!! (thats the same age gap as his).

SoLost I do hope you stay strong, I am usually such a strong person, but this has really knocked me and I am really struggling to cope.

LC - lovely to see your back to your best, I am pleased your are feeling better. Hugs to you.

MELODYANGEL: Thanks for your support.

CHIPPINGIN: Am not sure how I feel about having him back. Think it's like someone up thread said, it varied from day to day 50-50? today maybe. Am definately feeling stronger and more in control of everything. And now know I CAN do this with OR without him. A revelation to me.

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Did you read my previous post? Sorry! but I could only be pushed so far before I snapped and rang her. Don't regret it though, I kept my cool - she lost hers and H saw some of the conversation. Think he was shocked by her reaction, he thought she would reassure me and everything would be smoothed out! So sorry to burst his bubble!

SUNCOTTAGE: Thanks for the hug! and thanks for sharing your story. Me and the DC's are like a little team now. They still love their dad dearly - I wouldn't have it any other way, he is a great dad. But he now on the periphery - which makes me (and him I think) a little sad. I don't think he realised that, however hard he tries, he will never have the same realationship with them as he had when he lived here with us all.

ABEDELIA: Packed all his stuff in bin bags as soon as he announced he was leaving. Left them in the porch. Told the kids it was for the charity shop!!

MSBOOGIE: She is a complete bunny boiler, glad you agree and I think the scales are starting to fall after tonight's events. Have used the 'paranoid' paragraph of your post in a letter i have written him - hope you don't mind. You summed up perfectly what I wanted to say to him but I could'nt find the words. He is paying all the bills/mortgate etc. at the mo so I don't think I need to see a solicitor - yet. But don't know how long his generousity will last. Time will tell!

DDTT: Thanks for your support. It's good to know ppl are looking out for me. Can talk more frankly on here. Feel that friends in the 'real world' are getting a bit weary of listening to me. Don't want to be all doom n gloom!

COUNTINGTO10: Thanks for sharing your story. Think one of the reasons that I don't want DS to know about his dad is that is a kind of loss of innocence isn't it. DS idolises his dad but has a strong sense of what is right and wrong and I know he will be devastated when he finds out that this man, who he looks up to more than anyone in the world is capable of doing this to his family. I do understand your comments about kids knowing that adults make mistakes but your H put his right in the end - not sure whether mine will!

ROMNEYMARSH: Sorry to hear you are not doing so well - hope yr exam went well - you will have done great! If you see my previous posts, I gave OW a call, encouraged by H who thought she would put my mind at rest! Did she hell! in fact you must have read my mind - I did actually tell her she will see my kidz when hell freezes over. After she kept telling me that MY kidz are now HER BUSINESS now MY DH is her PARTNER??? and that SHE WILL see them and be a LARGE part of their lives. Thought that I was calm and polite under the circumstances. What I really wanted to say was, well unrepeatable to be honest! She really did show her true colours this evening and far from being reassured I feel justified in my actions so far. Think H may have had his eyes opened as well. Well until he goes back to his 'reality bubble'. Take care, and I know its a cliche but tommorrow really is another day - thats how I get through when I feel crap. Just concentrate on moving forward, I am feeling more in control and it is a good feeling. Hope you start feeling the same soon x

God how weird, that's seriously freaky the way she is making demands about your children. Has the woman no sense of how she comes across at all? I would be quite worried about the sort of deluded stuff she might say to them if she did meet them, to be honest. She sounds quite unhinged.

I wouldn't mind betting he got a shitty reception when he went back to her. I bet she is leading him a dog's life with all this weird, unstable, insecurity shit. When he finally cops onto her he won't be able to get away fast enough.