Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Solost, you are going to have to ask him for his key back. It's not right that he has open access when you are not about.

WT..? he and BB are now talking about you talking him out of telling the DC?, and he is saying he may have MH issues? So in the space of a week or so we have had BB chomping at the bit to tell the DC, and now it's all high speed back-pedalling?

Of course you are having a bad day! it had to happen. This is utterly normal, and inevitable. When you find yourself having an off day, tell yourself that it will pass that yesterday was OK and tomorrow might be, but for now just get through today.

You have had so much happen to you. You have grown so much. You have had so many activities going on recently to keep you and your mind busy. You have had all the furore of the BB histrionics, and the associated adrenaline, that now you have reached a 'normal' weekend, you have fallen a little flat. IT would be the same for literally every single one of us that has ever read or posted on your thread.

If you want to cancel Christmas day and do it at yours, that's fine. This is about you, your family and your feelings, if you don't feel up to it, you don't have to do it.

As you have a moment, sit down and think about how YOU really want to be, what YOU really want to do and what YOU are really capable of. Please don't push yourself too hard, you need some there there time too.

Wish I knew you in RL, I'd be giving you a bloody great big right now!

Hi Solost (it's TimeForMe) I'm sorry to say but I still think your H is hiding behind BB and saying what he wants to say but using her as the reason for doing so. I think he wants reassurance you aren't going to back out of telling the children and this is why he said what he said.

I'm sorry love, but I think you are hanging in there, waiting for him to want to come home to you and in doing so you are burying your head in the sand and not really seeing the obvious. He is manipulating you no end and because you still want him back you are overlooking this. I fear you are going to end up experiencing even more heartache than you are right now x

I agree about not doing the restaurant thing at Christmas. As your husband has chosen to leave you and shack up with his mistress he has no right to expect you to play happy families with you and the kids in public. It won't even be the best plan for the kids, who are going to be coming to terms with everything.

As I said before, Christmas won't be as bad as you're imagining, but only if you take control and do what's best for you. Obviously it's not going to be the best Christmas ever, but you can choose to make it about you and the kids and spending time together as a family. Your husband has chosen to opt out of this family life and it'll do him good to have to spend Christmas with the OW (and realise quite what he's chosen to give up). A nice dose of hard reality is definitely what he needs.

You could maybe arrange for him to see the kids on boxing day at your PILs. It sounds like they'd be accommodating in this and make it a fun day. So what if that means your husband has to miss out on the OW's family boxing day. He has to learn where his priorities lie.

There will be plenty of other Christmases to worry about 'fairness' to your husband. Remember he chose this and tore your world apart. Your needs should come first. This year you and the kids probably need something cosy and low-key together, without anyone having to put on an act.

hes having his cake and eating it.two women vying for his attention

he left you and dc

that speaks volumes about his priorities

and they arent you or dc

so sorry for your heartache,but cut your losses. time to move on.disengage

Solost - another one here who thinks perhaps a restaurant is not the best place to have Christmas lunch/dinner. I can understand that you might not want to cook yourself, fully get that, but agree with the others that having to "put a face on things" in public could be massively hard work for you. At least if you are at home, you can go and break something if necessary; and if there's a filthy atmosphere, your DC can run off and play. You can also minimise the actual time spent in H's company if you are at home.

If it's the preparation of the food that is the issue, blow the budget and get it all in pre-done from M&S or somewhere.

If it's your H's request to have it at a restaurant, tell him he doesn't get to have that choice. It's your way or no way.

If it's YOUR choice to go to a restaurant, why is that? Do you think he will behave better in a restaurant? Because I think if things get tough, he is more likely to just leave a restaurant (rather than face any level of potential 'scene'). There is also a risk that BB might be around as well, regardless of what he says she's doing - at your house, there is NO risk of that.

Is it a tradition for you all to go to a restaurant on Christmas Day?

Hi Solost :) thank you for your lovely post. How funny, I actually felt a bit flattered when you said you'd read my thread, lol! Think you've achieved celebrity status from starting one of the most supportive mn threads I've ever seen. I so wish you hadn't had to though :(

I watched a Zombieland the other day, and the main guy in it kept saying "enjoy the little things." Life feels about as disasterous as a world invaded by monsters atm, so I'm trying to take his advice. Silly little things that make me laugh, like the Apprentice live blog on the guardian website, reading trashy mags, anything that makes me feel something good I'm trying to savour. I hope you can find lots of things too. Xx

Solo, are you on twitter? a whole bunch of us are and regularly 'meet up' and slag off apprentice, Xf or whatever shite is on...

it's a laugh, i'm @LilMsHissyFit if you are...

Solost - how do you usually spend Christmas day and how would you like to spend it this year? If you are happy to spend it with him at a restaurant then that's fine but how would you really like to spend it?

Solo so sorry to hear how you're feeling but on the other hand these bad days are you developing some invisible muscles that are going to get you through. The days of distraction thinking about the whys are just the equivalent of a ben & jerry day. The times you are feeling the pain are actually in the long term going to be the days you are building yourself up and moving on. They certainly won't last for ever and you will get there and look back and be proud of yourself.

Think of it like using the gym. Six weeks of pushing weights are no fun while you're actually doing it. You can't see the benefit at the time but you keep doing it because you've been told that keep doing it on a regular basis and that pain will develop you some muscles that you'll be pleased with a couple of months down the line.

I know it must feel horrible for me to say to you that you have to feel this pain but think of it in the same way that people feel about their personal trainer - I'm sure they don't like it at the time. It's not that I don't have empathy with what you're going through it's just the quickest way forward is through it - I hope you don't think it sounds heartless.

The only way forward and developing the rippling muscles that you will be flexing in the not too distant future and kicking BB/H into the recesses of your mind can only be achieved by really feeling and accepting that your H has been a complete arsehole and you can't go back the way you were. Things have moved on so much that even if he wanted to come back there would be so much to work on.

I really don't think spending Christmas day together is a good idea for you. Also it's not making the H feel the full consequence of his actions.

He gave up family life didn't he? Why should he have a girlfriend and a family Christmas day. I know you're think of the children but it's a bit confusing for them really isn't it. They must know something's up. They're going to be told the truth soon and then they're out with both of you. That's great idea a couple of years from now when both exH and exW are emotionally on an equal footing and happy with the situation but at present I think it is very unfair to put yourself through it.

Far to much of a foot in your family world for your husband. He has to be abandoned to the loneliness of the deserting party's christmas experience if he's going to ever really feel the full force of his choices. Why delay that reality for him?

PERFUMEDITSAWONDERFULLIFE: Thank you, you are so kind. Don't feel classy - more like a wrung out dish cloth tbh. Re: Xmas lunch, we agreed that this was best for all concerned, it was arranged ages ago and the DC's are really looking forward to it. Its just as it gets nearer.....

TPPW: Thanks, I won't ask him. I did think about it though. Am sure its not a ploy, can't believe he looked it up tbh, but who else could it have been? Re: the smile thing, will try it but 1st thing on a morning? will try to squeeze it in whilst brushing my teeth - but try not to look in the mirror 1st thing tbh, sight of myself far too depressing!

EMMYLOULOU: Do you think he could be so devious? [sceptical] I wouldnt have thought so but nowadays? Have not mentioned it to him, will wait to see if he does. Yes, he still has a key. He dropped DS off at his party then came back (he did tidy up and wash up though!). Feels awkward to ask for it back though - he is still paying all the mortgage/bills etc.

MUDANDMAYHEM: Thank you - its the first time I've been told im too nice! Usually I am too blunt etc. I feel I have to reply to everyone who posts because, well they have all taken time to read my comments and to support me. Manners I suppose are important to me - a throwback from my childhood.

SCAREDOFCOWS: I will get a few nights out in IYSWIM! Maybe I will let him know a few days later. My M&FIL seem up for looking after the DC's - they are being really great atm.

FANTUS:Thank you. I have. Spent it with in-laws n mum - been looked after all day.

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks, I do expect too much of myself, always have. I always hated ppl who 'wallowed in misery' and guess what? Yesterday thats what I did! Today's been much better. Re: Xmas, I would really like to tell H where to stick his 'family xmas lunch' but the DCs are really looking forward to it - seemed like a good idea at the time!

Paying the bills or whatever, he has NO RIGHT to waltz in and invade your space like this.

Your home, your pc, your housework ffs! It's the first thing a solicitor will clamp down on and rightly so, just so you know what's coming.

Hence the sooner the better as you can't move on and detatch with him doing this, it's ludacrous.

Glad you've had a better day. Great to see that you've still got the support of your in laws and your mum - hope you will be seeing plenty of them over Xmas for support and to keep normality for you and your children.

I really hope your Xmas goes as smoothly as it possibly can.

Also hope you get some nights out where your H doesn't get to play a part, ie babysit. Certainly can't hurt to let him know after the event.

You're doing great, you really are!

LMHHHF: Wish I knew you in real life too . You sound like my kind of person! I am thinking of everyone else at Xmas, I suppose its what I always have done. I will do the lunch, the DC's want to do it, but will take your advice and have a think about what I WANT for the rest of the holiday. Am working Boxing Day (just 4 hrs) but after that, will do what WE want to do. Thanks so much for the hug. x

HAPPYDAYSAREHEREAGAIN: I don't feel that way but I suppose part of me still hankers after my old life? I know deep down I am never gonna get that back but I think its that Xmas thing - I don't know why but this time of year just seems to bring everything home to me?

DAMSELINDISGRACE & TPPW: I don't feel I can back out of the restaurant think now. DC's are looking forward to it and tbh I think I need to do what has been agreed. Don't really want to appear 'difficult' by cancelling so late and unsettling the DCs.

SCOTTISHMUMMY: Thanks, I am trying - really!

Ah Solost - you see, that's exactly why I tell people to smile at themselves!

1. smiling at yourself means that you don't look depressed/depressing, so you feel better
2. It might be the only smile you get all day (if it's a bad day) and one is better than none
3. apparently a really big grin hits some endorphin points in your cheeks and releases "happy hormones" that make you feel better.

It really did help me - even though it was a forced smile to start with, it got easier, honest! It stops your face falling into sad lines as well.

Re. the Christmas lunch out - the DC might be looking forward to it now but then they don't know the true situation, do they. They (or at least your oldest DC) might feel differently about it when they find out the truth (another good reason for telling them prior to Christmas).

I am so, so glad for you that you have supportive ILs - that must help so much, in practical as well as emotional terms.

Hi Robberbutton, Awww thanks .

How are you today? Hope you are doing ok.

Will check out your thread later.

Am taking your advice, once I've answered are these lovely ladies I have a trashy mag and 2 buttered crumpets to look forward to.

Take care xx

LMHHHF: Not on twitter/facebook or anything like that. Bit of a technophobe tbh. Might look you up though! Thanks for the invite x

BEGONYABAMPOT: We [used] to do different things at Xmas. Gone to Mums, MIL's or out for lunch - anything but staying at home tbh - am a reallly REALLY bad cook!

How would I like to spend it? Thats a difficult question, will have to think about it.

KETTLECRISPS: I understand completely. You put it so well. I also understand what you mean about H and Xmas and I do feel like you he does deserve to be left out, but since the DC's are looking forward to it I really feel I can't cancel. He will have to leave though won't he? And I really think he will feel that (maybe not as much as not being there at all).

I think using someone's PC is a bit like going through their diary tbh. How would you feel if he saw this thread? Can you put a password on it? I'm sure someone on here must know how.

Where he said BB expected you to talk him out of telling the DCs (leaving aside the fact that once more he's slipped in some comment about her which you've already told him several times you don't want to hear): that lends credence to what people have said, that he lied to her. You decided it was time to tell them. You set a date for it. Why would she think you were going to "talk him out of" something you'd decided yourself? Logically, because he did indeed tell her that he was big man putting his foot down over little wifey in denial. Good call, whoever said that.

Solo: My FIL spends Christmas day reminding MIL that 'It's your christmas too'. I think you should remind yourself of that too, and try not to put yourself dead last in everything.

As for the restaurant, it might be worth seeing how the children feel after they've been told and then deciding what's best.It may well change everything and they might not want to spend Christmas day in a restaurant with their dad. It won't be you being 'difficult' or anything; it'll be a simple case of putting the children's needs first. They may still want to go to the restaurant, but it's probably fair to let them make the decision once they know everything. If your husband can't accept that, then he's a really dismal father.

I think thelittlestkiwi comments about him having (uninvited) access to your pc are absolutely right, and you should password protect it.

Hope you're feeling ok today.

I agree, littlestkiwi and ScaredOfCows. You can even create another "User" account for visitors, which has no access to files and e-mails, but which can use all the computer's programs (internet, games, etc.).

If you are using Windows, go to START (bottom left-hand corner), then SETTINGS - CONTROL PANEL.

At this point, it will depend on which "view" you have set up.

If "Classic" view, look for the icon for USER ACCOUNTS.

If the other view, the menu you need is USER ACCOUNTS AND FAMILY SAFETY.

This menu will allow you to password-protect your account, and also to set up another account for visitors. If you are very savvy, you will open the Internet Explorer program in that account and set it to keep history for 20 days!

Once the new user account is set up, you can use the START menu again, whenever you want to switch between users.

By the way, you haven't made any comment about the idea of booking an appointment with another solicitor, to have the option of another solicitor waiting for you should the first one not be suitable. Please, please do do this, as it would be awful to have to wait ages for another appointment, when you are already waiting until January 10 to have this one.

Are you ok Solost? You haven't posted since Sunday, hope you are coping.

THELITTLESTKIWI: We all have our own 'user' icon and all are password protected so H tends to use DSs'.

DAMSELINDISGRACE: I will see how the DC's feel about the restaurant after H has told them.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: I did broach this with H, asked him the same question his answer was quite vague something on the lines of 'well I don't think she thinks that anymore'. He has started to backtrack btw. he now thinks maybe we should just tell them he is living somewhere else and not bother telling them about BB 'just yet'.

SCAREDOFCOWS: I am still feeling abit down tbh. We went to DD's carol concert yesterday and I cried, H had tears in his eyes too. Its so tough at this time of year - bloody Xmas!

PLUPERVERT: Thanks for the instructions, I am a bit of a technophobe! Think its already set up though but will go through them to ensure my stuff is protected - thanks again!

ROMNEYMARSH: Thanks for asking, I am bit low atm to be honest - I am sure it WILL pass. The 'festive' period is getting to me I think. All the DC's concerts etc. I just keep remembering last year and how happy we all were. How are you doing?

Ah yes, the vague sort of backtracking when they've been caught saying something that doesn't add up. You weren't supposed to think logically, you were supposed to believe the story without question!

Solost - it does get to you. Every "family" occasion will get to you for the entire year, because you will always be comparing it, whether consciously or unconsciously, with the previous year, when your life was still on track. The first year is the hardest for that. It gets better, I promise.

Please, please please tell your H that he is telling the DC the TRUTH, not some half-arsed version that protects him from what HE HAS DONE TO HIS FAMILY. The WHOLE TRUTH. And that if he caves on the deal, that YOU will tell them the whole truth yourself, so he will then be shown to be a coward and a liar, as well as a cheat and family deserter.

What a bloody feeble specimen he is. (sorry). As a friend of mine would say - he is a "kipper" - spineless and two-faced.

Have your Christmas cards started to arrive yet? Did you pre-empt this situation by sending out yours early, from just you and the DC? because if not, every Christmas card that is addressed to all of you might be another pin in your heart. Perhaps you should get the DC to open them and tell you who they're from?

Lowness is normal at this time, Christmas is a right fucker of a period for people going through any kind of loss. (((hugs))) cos you need them.