Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Yes begon. From what my friend experienced the h who was always so honest with her...etc... Would put words in ow's mouth when talking to my friend. And make his new relationship sound like a struggle because this fed her interest and she was kinder to him when he said these sorts of things.

Solost - any time you are tempted to feel the tiniest bit sorry for him, remember this:

1. it was his choice. Not yours, his.
2. he has put you through unimaginable pain and crap for the last few months by his choice. His, not yours.
3. he has apparently met his "soul mate" - if she turns out to be a desperate mad slapper, that doesn't say much for his soul, now does it?
4. he says he still loves you as much as before - which clearly wasn't enough at any stage, if he was able to toss you aside like a worn out glove the minute his mad slapper "soul mate" hove into view.
5. he has also abandoned his 3 DC for a fantasy and isn't doing a decent parental job of putting them first.

Remember all these things. Write them down on a piece of paper and stick them to your mirror so you see them every day. Believe me, they will very rapidly diminish any feelings of sympathy you have for this incredibly stupid man.

YOu are doing so well, I wish I had had this resource when I was going through my break-up, it would have speeded up my recovery enormously, I'm sure.

A bit of light relief - my ex's grandparents were distraught at his appalling behaviour to me (their words) - even phoned and apologised to my parents for their vile grandson's behaviour. They were lovely wonderful people. Anyway - just under a year after he dumped me, I had a call from them to warn me of the perils of horseriding without stirrups. Apparently, this had caused him to have varicose veins (at the amazing age of 31) in both legs, which had needed to be stripped. His grandfather, being a medic, explained the procedure in gory detail, and then went on to tell me that the ex had to wear full leg surgical stockings for 3 weeks and stay at home with mummy so he could get his half hour walk in every day.
Well, I managed to hold myself together until I got off the phone and then I ^literally ROFPMSL. I was crying with laughter - his first anniversary with OW was to be spent in full length surgical stockings, at Mummy's. Ha hahahahahaha! even now, it brings a moment of glee to me.

Look forward to the day that you find out your H has need of some minor painful procedure, and all you feel is "Good! Hope it hurts!".

And another reminder - every time he says anything negative about her to you, imagine what he said/says about you to her. Men say all kinds of crap to the OW, to appease her guilt (which isn't very conducive to relaxed bedroom behaviour) - there are the standard lines such as "my wife doesn't understand me" and "my wife is never interested in sex anymore", as well as the real doozies "my wife only married me for a visa" or "she only sees me as an accessory to her career".

If you need to muster up a bit of anger, try thinking about what he might have used as the standard defence to her when they were first 'courting'. Probably something like "poor little me, she always has time for the DCs, but never for me" or "we never have sex because she's always so busy working, or dealing with school, or tidying the house...". Like doing any of those things made you the bad guy!

Solost I would be on high alert this week from him.

You know he doesn't actually want to tell the kids as it's another step into reality. I expect him to throw you a few bones and ask you if it really is for the best etc. So expect lots of his sad ' has he done the right thing' chats.

This is just to suit his end, not you or the kids.

I would also expect him to try and win favour with the ow by telling her once the kids are told, that he put his foot down and just TOLD YOU that the kids needed told.

I wonder if they are hanging on together because they think that in time, weeks or months, everything that OW dreamed of will be reality. They must both realise that eventually the children will be told, eventually they will take the children out together and have them stay over etc and eventually he will be divorced. Or will these things ever happen? She must be having doubts by now. Obviously it is all taking much longer than she had thought it would. It remains to be seen what her time limit will be, or his for that matter.

I have finally finished reading through this thread, and just wanted to reiterate the matter of the solicitor. Yes, I know you have made an appointment - for January 10 - but, to be honest, that is a long time to wait, and what happened to shopping around for advice? What happens if you don't get on - just don't "click" - with the solicitor? Will that completely throw you? I'm very afraid it might, and then you would lose more time, working yourself up to making another appointment, and waiting for an appointment to come up (there will be a backlog after Xmas/NY). Imagine that your H has already booked his solicitor (or had a meeting booked by him by his mistress, who must be scared by/impatient with his pissing about).

With regard to the mistress, you mentioned a while back that you weren't sure you liked being angry/mean/triumphant about his woes (can't remember your wording exactly, and hope you will forgive my not going back to check!). There is a danger of being brutalised by your H's bad behaviour and cruelty. One negative outcome could be that you end up doing whatever you want to him/her, "because s/he deserves it", not remembering that it is not right to be consistently cruel and rude to people just because they have been cruel and rude themselves. You are keeping on the right side of this, with your determination to be dignified, but please be conscious of what you are doing right, and keep doing it! People on this thread admire you for a reason. It is tough to be held to different standards than your H does, but if you think about it, his standards are not great, and although it's tough to be a good person in the face of his shitty manipulation, you don't want to be like him. Also, you won't always be this provoked, and being "good" and dignified will be easier in "normal" life!

I think you should stop thinking about all the 'happy families' stuff being the OW's dream and realise that this is your husband's dream. He wants to move straight to joyful days out with the OW and the DC; he wants to skip all the difficult bits and get to be what the step-parenting board call a carefree 'disney dad'. Every time he starts telling you about this crap, cut him short AND remind yourself that he's using her as an excuse to tell you what he wants.

I doubt the OW was trying to get herself a ready made family (step-patenting is hard and it's incredibly likely that the kids will hate the woman who took their daddy away). She's probably been taken in by your husband's boden catelogue picture of future family life, and has led to believe that you are the nasty woman that's preventing everyone from being so happy.

In any case, it makes no difference what the OW wants. She cannot have any impact on your or your children's lives other than through your faithless husband. If he didn't think it would suit his purposes, he wouldn't be telling you anything about this dream of happy family days out. You have to realise that he is being as stupid and unrealistic here as he was about leaving you for his 'soul mate'. Has he not considered that your children may feel very strongly that they do not want a happy family life with his mistress?

Remember that he chose this and has to live with the consequences of his actions. But he also has to be a decent and responsible father and that means shutting up about his ridiculous fantasies and starting to deal with the emotional fall out of his choices by telling your children and supporting them through this.

Quite. I am also compelled to highlight this in your last post Solost

"I told him that he could NEVER be that person because that person was the faithful, honest father of three, the person he was with us, what she has now is the 'person' she/they has created - the lying cheating guilty knob who abandoned his wife and 3 kids for a mad slapper."

This is wrong on so many levels. One, it demonstrates that you are still engaging with him. Two, it is factually incorrect, since he was evidently not a paragon of virtue before the OW loomed into view and three, the word "slapper" suggests that you are viewing her sexual morals as being worse than his, which is wholly unfair.

I understand why it happens, but honestly you need to see this man with more clarity Solost.

Glad you've booked into seeing a solicitor and glad you've set a date for speaking to the DCs. However, I agree that you are now likely to see some hugely manipulative behaviour in the next week, lots of tears, lots of you "feeling sorry for him" (you should not) and attempts to step back from the precipice. The OW on the other hand, will either be hearing an entirely different story, or he will start to blame her for what were his decisions.

What do the dc think is happening right now? And what are you planning to tell them?

I think you're amazing. :)

Just read the WHOLE thread. My goodness but solost you have come so far since your first post. Well done you! There has also been such brilliant advice from so many people. MN really is amazing, isn't it?

I feel I need to bring something up re BB and your DC.

My dad cheated on my mum and left it to my mum to tell me they were divorcing. I was devastated even though they had a horrible and abusive relationship. in retrospect I would much rather they told me they were separated long before they did. It would have explained so much of their behavior. Having said that my dad was so horrible to mum for years that I didn't see it. I do honestly feel you do more damage to kids by not telling them and being honest.

Your BB rings every alarm bell I have. My dad met his own BB (now my stepmother) a year or so after his separation from my mum. She resented any time Dad spent with us, resented any money that he gave to my mum, undermined my relationship with my dad and was just horrible to my brother and I. Dad went along with it because it was easier to have us upset for a weekend then BB sulking for a month. As your H sounds so spineless and the BB sounds as controlling as my stepma is I don't think it's a long shot to say that she is not going to allow H to continue to support you as he is now or spend any time with dcs or really treat your dcs as they should.

My mum was so damaged after the breakdown of her abusive marriage that she couldn't stand up for me to my dad or his new wife. Please keep on doing what is right for your dcs and keep repeating to your h that her opinion etc is simply not important with regards to your dcs and your possible divorce.

KETTLECRISPS: The ploughing through is so difficult. Have had a really bad day today. Am just completely p off with everything atm. Coming through to the other side seems so far away.

YOUNGBLOWFISH: Thank you, I really appreciate it. Am having a crap day today. Not sure why. H came to take DC to a party and then the DCs out didn't really see much of him. But he seemed so happy, so chipper. Not in a smug way. And I feel so envious? like he's happy, he's sorted and I'm.... not!

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: I wish! Spending Xmas day with H and the DC's at a restaurant. Am dreading it. If there was any way I could get out of it I would. But the DC's are so looking forward to it and it's probably the last Xmas we will all be together.

GONETOSOUTHPOLE: You are right and it makes my blood boil. Who says the DC's will want anything to do with her anyway when they find out what they have done.

BEGONYABAMPOT: He doesnt really see that he's being negative about her though. He sees all the things I've mentioned as her 'caring' for him? And mostly he says 'well I can see her point'.

STAREXPAT: Thanks.

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: Thanks for the list! Have memorised it! And thanks for the story it made me . Have had a crap day today, not sure why. H was here with the DC's but didn't have much contact with him. He was out and about with them most of the day. Think it was a 'two steps back' day!

LISASCAT: I don't think it was like that tbh. I know that sounds naieve? [sceptical] He told her he was happily married, they went for it anyway!

HORSESANDCHICKENS: We discussed briefly today about telling the DC's. H said BB thinks I'll talk him out of it! I said no chance. That in future instead of telling DC's that Daddy has to go early cos of work I'll be able to tell them the truth, that Daddy wants to go early because he wants to be with his girlfriend/his girlfriend needs him back over there etc.

SCAREDOFCOWS: BB did expect to be playing happy families with our DC's by now. She also thinks that when the DC's find out, everything will fall into place in 'their relationship'.

Solost, I'm so sorry you had a bad day today. I don't have bags of encouragement for you (H left us this morning to "think" about things) but just want to say please hang in there. It's horrendous but it will pass and you will get through it. So cliched, but I just wanted to post something nice for you xx

He's not sorted soloist! He's nowhere bloody near.

Look back through the thread and remember, he's a sodding mess.

See the effect it has on you his seemingly togetherness ? So reverse it, and show him your togetherness!! Because you are doing a fab job. X

Robberbutton, thank you so much for taking time to post despite your own problems. I really appreciate it. I have been lurking on your thread and really admire your strength. I havent posted because I really don't feel qualified to give advice and you are getting so much great advice from so many others. But I was thinking about some of the posts and I do think its probably best that you spend some time apart from your H.

Thinking back to when H left me, I think if he had stayed a part of me would have always wondered whether he regretted it, whether he was thinking about what his life could have been like if he had left. At least this way if/when he returns you know its because he REALLY wants to, that he really wants you and not because of the DC's or because he feels he was 'doing the right thing'. And more importantly whether YOU want him for the same reasons. Sorry I am rambling, but I hope you understand what I mean. Take care of yourself x

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Thanks. I needed that. You are right. I asked H why he was so happy and he replied 'I think I might be having a breakdown'. At the time I just thought he was being flippant but now I am not so sure. Maybe he wasn't as happy as I thought. Another thing has occurred to me - was checking the 'History' thingy on the computer as I always do when DD has been on there (just to make sure what sites she's been on!) and there was a search for a mental health site - I had looked on one ages ago and at first thought it was that but when I logged of computer and logged back on the thingy re-set itself so it must have been recent. Can't see DD looking up stuff like that - all the rest was xmas prezzy stuff. H apparently nipped back here earlier whilst DS was at a party, am now wondering if it was him?

solost I read the whole thread lastnight and what screams out at my is you have class lady. In abundance Something your ex and bb will never have. I know you are down today, but it will improve. When the kids know the truth, when you start the process with the lawyer, reality has a way of taking care of itself. Limbo is never easy.

Are you sure being 'together' on Christmas day is wise? I would worry this might confuse the children after being told you were separated? Although it would wind the bb up no end

Solost - let's put it this way. He might have been looking at mental health websites because he feels he needs to; OR he could have been looking at symptoms to see what he needs to display so you go easy on him; OR he could have just looked it up because he knows you check the history after your DD uses it and he knew you'd find it and worry.

Whichever is the case - it's his problem, his and BB's now.

You are Not Involved. Apart from protecting your DC from any fall-out if he is genuinely having a breakdown, you have no role in it. I know that is brutal but it is true as things stand.

Ignore it.
DON'T ask him about it, that = engaging again.
Wait and see if he brings it up (a sure sign that it's all a ploy)

Re. today being crap - not at all surprising. Even if you weren't consciously thinking it, your unconscious mind would have been comparing the day to a normal Saturday, pre-fiasco, when your DH would have been doing stuff with DC but you were still all a proper family. That would have been enough to trigger the biochemistry responsible for sadness.

Glad I made you smile before. Have I already advised you to smile at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning every day? If not, make sure you do. Gives you far more of a boost than seeing a woebegone face.

Solo you have been fab, sorry you feel shitty x

Listen depression goes in highs and lows, maybe he was on a massive high today?

Whatever as hard as it is this is of his own choosing.

Plus don't understimate his ability to mindfuck>>>>>>>>harsh comment spoiler

If he knows you check his history, I'd bet on it being a mindfucking plant so you reconsider "poor little him" and telling dc's. Step 1 of his game plan this week.

I know it's harsh especially someone you love so dear and have been with forever, but a dose of reality for you .

And wtf is he doing in your house on his own using the pc anyway, far to familiar and attached.
Just try not to dwell x

Slow typing again and beaten too it, I'd bet money on the suggestion I'd made and thumb it seems.

Solo - you are too nice. I notice for instance that you reply to each and every poster on here despite now being a single mum, working, and it being nearly Christmas. You must be hideously busy, but you still politely respond to us all.

You answer your phone after he has been calling a bit - presumably because at some level it is the 'nice' thing to do. Whether you want him back or not he needs to go solo and do it without your support - to see whether he really wants a life without you in it. Asking why he is happy etc is just feeding his feeling that you are still there for you.

I hope that doesn't sound critical; you are doing really well and you are so strong. I just hate to hear of him being happy when you are struggling.

Agree with the poster who says that he shouldn't be going into your home uninvited and using the pc or anything else. He should be shivering in his car waiting for your son at his party, not enjoying your home as if it is still his own. I understand that if he is still paying bills, it would be a difficult conversation to have with him, but if it was phrased that you feel it is hindering you moving on from the split etc, etc, and that you are sure he will understand that you only want him in the house when invited - I am sure you can guilt him into complying.

It's a stressful time of the year at the best of times for most people, not at all surprising that you are struggling at the moment, especially on the weekend when you have to have some form of contact with him.

Did you think about having a few nights out without him babysitting the children, and without him knowing at all - to help with regaining your independence and moving on?

Morning solost - so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I hope you have a much better day today x

Solost I am lurking still and just wanted to say sorry you had a bad day but your comment "I dont know why I am feeling bad" makes me think you are expecting far too much of yourself to be on great form atm. We are all different but even the emotionally hardiest of us would take time (ie months)to get to a point where the good days outweighed the bad. Also the schmulz of happy families Christmas adds to the misery.

You are coping so well and just go with the bad days and know each one is another one over and you getting closer to a new happy life.

Sorry I havent followed every post but I picked up on the fact he has free access to your house, how can you bear that ? I would not have him anywhere near and nor would I go to a restaurant on Christmas Day with him. Dont underestimate the flexibilty of your dc I think they could be whipped into excitement about all kinds of scenarios for Christmas Day that either dont or only minimally involve him. Given his behaviour you have every right to put you first and tough luck on him if that means he doesnt see them this Christmas. Time enough in the future for whats "fair" or "equal". Call me cynical but provided your dc have you, their stockings, presents and enough sweet stuff to sink a ship they will have a great time.

Also Solost this might sound absurd but count up how many Christmas' we get with our dc when its still magical for them. Do you want to waste even one of those putting on an act in a restaurant with him ?