Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Hi Solost,

I'm sorry for your situation and impressed by the way that you are handling it, especially always putting the children first. May I reinforce some of the suggestions you've had before?

1 Please get that legal advice tomorrow. It is much more important than Xmas shopping. It is about your children's financial security while they are growing up.

2 You can't be sure that you are entitled to less than you are getting if you haven't been advised what you're entitled to...

3 H can pull his salary from your joint account at any moment, leaving you with all the bills to pay.

4 H is no longer your best friend, so don't let him talk to you as if he is, or call or text you except about the children. Difficult, I know, but crucial to moving on.

5 nothing to do with me, not interested, bye! Perfect. That is the only response you should ever give when he mentions OW.

6 When H appears sad, be polite but not interested.

7 Don't think about OW: she is not your concern.

(Ladies, would it be a good idea if we all stopped thinking about the OW to help Solost do the same? As someone mentioned before, I think it diverts attention from the much more important issue of finding out how to protect the family's legal and financial position.)

Solost, best of luck in a most difficult situation.

RRocks

THUMBPPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: I know, I will sort out a solicitor today. And try get an appointment Monday. Will let you know later.

BEGONYABAMPOT: H and I will tell the children, or rather, H will tell the kids and I will be there to pick up the pieces - as usual. Told H I want him to see their faces when he tells them and know what he has done to them.

EMMYLOULOU: I know it sounds like excuses but I have been really busy! I have a number for a solicitor and am going to ring today to try get an appointment for Monday (the only day I am not working next week!).

RROCKS: Thank you. Sorry I don't think I was clear about the finance thingy. All the savings (what few we have are in my name). The bills are all in H's. And he has a pathalogical fear of getting into debt and having anything against his name debt wise so atm I am sure he won't pull his salary.

Solost just a word of caution.

My H left a year ago in October. By last Xmas I had a solicitor in place and was aware of what I was entitled to.

H didn't appoint a solicitor till August, so very frustrating, especially as we agreed not to go for litigation and try the collaborative route. Less emotional, antagonistic and cheaper financially process, supposedly.

H has dragged his feet for no apparent reason, promising all the time to look after us. The only reason for this I can see is that he is a control freak.

For the last 25 years I have managed the household finances, very well, never been in debt.

Then at the beginning of November this year he stopped paying his salary into the joint account, without warning. I only found out as I went to the ATM to get cash and it wouldn't let me have any. How embarrassing when I had to ask why. He has accused me of over spending, made me out to be a spendthrift, absolute bull shit. We have never had money worries and I have never taken advantage of our fortunate situation financially.

As you can imagine I was livid as was my solicitor. Went against the principles of the collaborative process.

He now just covers the mortgage and bills. I have to ask for money, I am on a very low income.

This all from a man who has promised that he will ensure mine and DC future security. That he would maintain our lifestyle and not to worry. All his family tell me he will not let us down, and then he does this.

Do not believe your H, please get yourself and DC protected. People do change, especially when under the influence of others. Good luck

Morning Solo - it's really good to hear you will be talking to a solicitor soon re your finances. As thumb said, it is just advice at this point, you don't have to act on it. And knowledge is power and all that.

I'm sorry to hear the DC's have been poorly. I am stuck home with a sick 4 year old and a demanding 8 month old so I know how hard that can be - can't imagine what it must be like for you at the minute with all your extra worries. Sorry, nothing constructive to add, just wanted to say "hello" and give you a virtual friendly squeeze. You've been facing up to some hard truths but I am sure you know everyone posting is doing so because we genuinly care about you and your DC's and only want what is best for you all. Hope you have a good day today.

FANTUS: Thank you - had to take DS in to work with me today - was too ill to be at school. Have made an appointment with local solicitor - but earliest she can see me is 10 January. Still ball now rolling?

PARTYTIME: Thanks for sharing your experiences. Have got an appointment with local solicitor but not til 10 January.

10th January is ok.

You have taken that step, which was obviously a big hump for you to get over x

Well done for making that appointment. It is a big step but a very necessary one. It is not only in your interests but also your DC's.

I echo what Partytime says, same happened to me. It's yet another terrible betrayal from the man who you thought was your world. How they can do this to their children still befuddles me. Thank goodness mine is nearly 18 and she won't be a "financial obligation" (his words!) much longer.

Visiting the solicitor was one of the most horrendous things I felt I had to face - it made it seem even more real.

But - it was SO worth going - I felt I had someone backing my corner, advising me all the good and bad things that could happen.

My solicitor made me feel so much more in control of my financial destiny - even having to face up, due to my DDs age, that I wouldn't get much.

The most important thing for me was whenever I had to see him to discuss finances, I was in control because I knew what my rights were.

Forget about 10th Jan appointment for now - just concentrate on staying strong, facing your first Xmas as a single mum (mine too, bring it on and get the bloody thing over and done with, I say!!).

We all keep saying it - you have done just so incredibly well.

Don't let either the Twunt or BB get to you, they are both shitting themselves, trust me.

A x

Well done Solost

But don't tell H you are ging to see solicitor.

So glad you have made the appt,Solost! Definitely DON'T tell H though, it will backfire on you big time, I fear.

Sorry that your little one is ill, hope your work are being supportive to you and you have at least mentioned to them what is happening with you at the moment.

AF: Thank you, it means a lot. It was a 'hump' I suppose - feel better for sorting it.

THECRACKFOX: Thanks for your support.

LIFEMOVESON: Its so hard though isn't it. The DC's are so excited but all the time I am thinking of last year and how different things were then. I cried at littlest DC's nativity, not only because she looked so beautiful but because I remembered last year, me and H so happy and proud of her - how different life is now. I can't seem to get any enjoyment out of the build up, just wish it was over tbh but trying really hard for the DCs.

DOHA: Definately not. Will keep this to myself!

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: Work is v.supportive. On Friday's I work for a friend so taking DC's in is not a problem - thankfully. You would have been proud of me today (I hope). Ignored all H's calls in fact later this afternoon he sent me a text 'Hi * (nickname he used to call me)out in car if you want to chat'?? WTF?? Ignored that too. Then he started phoning - had to answer in the end because DC's were asking who kept phoning. Just asked what he wanted, he said 'wanted to know if you were ok', I replied 'Im fine, is that all?'. Felt good.

Been away from the thread and am catching up on your progress. Amazing!

I know that this thread could easily seem like a narrative from a book or a play, but the reality is that you are fitting normal family life around posting, plus having to deal with the deadheads, so its worth remembering that anything you do is at your own pace.

The solicitors appointment will give you a sense of control over the festive period. Just keep gathering your evidence and getting your head round what is happening.

Keep him at arm's length, or at whatever length you are comfortable with. Its a good thing if he feels a chill wind blowing from you (or even a force ten gale! Sometimes people get carried away with the drama of what they have done and miss the adrenalin of the relationship being outed.

Let him experience the unparalled joy of all his spare time with a nut-job home-wrecker. I think that the contrast of family life (warts and all) with his own DCs will be something he will start to realise is a world he has discarded for the sake of his ego. What a numpty he is.

Well done for making an appointment with a solicitor, solo. It's a big step, psychologically, and it will be useful for you regardless what happens in the longer term.

Re: Christmas. Don't dread it. It will be different, but it won't be as terrible as your imagining. Your kids are going to need a chance to spend time with you and be made to feel special (and, let's face it, you need and deserve to feel special too) and you should get a chance to be together over the holidays. You can do things your own way with the kids and perhaps even start some new family traditions/reinvent some old ones.

What south pole said.

I had to wait a while for my first solicitor appointment, it felt very odd but empowering in some ways and when it came round I still felt unsure etc. One step at a time lovely. Booking it was the important thing. You're doing so well, and well done on ignoring H's phone calls. I'd be tempted to put my phone on silent

Well done on the solicitors appt, and well done on ignoring the calls.

Sorry but what a prize knobhead.......he is trying to turn you into the OW, OW isn't he?

If you feel you are having a wobble, rememeber today that is the kind of crap he was sending her when he was with you .

Sorry that text would of had me fuming, you stayed calmer than I would have done.

GONETOSOUTHPOLE: Numpty hmmm, one of H favourite words! Think they are both beginning to realise what they've done. H commented earlier in the week that BB said he 'wasn't the same person she had met' she thought it was because 'they' couldn't have the DC's and that by taking them out that would transform H back into the person she had first met. I told him that he could NEVER be that person because that person was the faithful, honest father of three, the person he was with us, what she has now is the 'person' she/they has created - the lying cheating guilty knob who abandoned his wife and 3 kids for a mad slapper. He went a bit quiet when I told him this.

DAMSELINDISGRACE: Thanks I am trying to jolly myself along a bit and Im sure it will be better than I imagine - think I need a bit of a slap atm!

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKESPLEASE: It was kind of empowering, scary but empowering. I feel like I am living someone elses life most of the time these days!

EMMYLOULOU: I felt a bit sorry for him tbh. But not enough to call!

Don't you dare call Solost.......

Well done there Solo - I think I can hear a very big communal sigh of relief from everyone here that you've tackled that hurdle now. No-one here underestimates how difficult it was for you to sort that appointment out.

You may find that now you've emotionally tackled the acceptance of the inevitable i.e. seeing a solicitor - that the coolness towards H comes on in bounds. It means you are really accepting the reality of the situation. You are no doubt feeling very low but it's actually the very beginning of starting to feel much better and stronger.

Knowledge is literally power for you now and you will get stronger. I really feel for you comparing this year's nativity to last year's. I don't think we're needing to remind you anymore that it's H's choice and to focus on that rather than BB. Even being at that stage for you is a big leap forward isn't it?

I said previously that this horrible situation has to be got through and unfortunately cannot be got round. All the contact with H delays that ploughing through the middle of the pain and acceptance to the other side where you will be a different person. I imagine you may feel a little empty now that the acceptance is starting but you will see it means you're moving forward.

Well done x

Solost, the more I read, the more I admire you. You are facing such a difficult time and yet you remain so level-headed and mature, I am amazed.

Don't feel sorry for him, he simply does not deserve your sympathy.

I really hope you also have plenty of support from people in RL, who can see how well you are coping in an impossible situation. Did I mention how much I admire you?

When our dad left, the first christmas we buggered off to New York to visit friends.

OK so short notice, but an option....

short break to lapland???

what an interesting comment from the BB... "wasn't the person she'd met". Of course not - doh! The person she met was married with three children and had a life. I think this has been said before, but it feels like she wanted the whole family thing without the bother of having a loving relationship, being pregnant, having children and coping with a marriage and three DCs.

She's in her thirties, got a decent career and sounds as though she might have been a bit desperate? I don't know what she does in her professional life but she's not that bright if he thinks she can skip the crappy bits and have the bloke with the kids and do all the Boden catalogue/John Lewis stuff at the weekends.

Any parent knows that the actual happy bits of parenting happen in between a lot of hard graft. And the reason you know that they are the good bits are that you have to go through the baby years, school years etc... to realise that occasionally you have done something right.

Whatever this daft excuse for a woman thinks, she is seriously deluded if she thinks she can sort of EBay family life and post feedback that its all 'excellent 5*'.

At the end of the day, she sounds quite sad and your ExDH has got embroiled in a classic scenario... I can understand why you feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to shoulder his pain. {smile]

problem is, is this her saying these things or Dh using her as a cover to say things he wants and wishes, so that it sounds better coming from her, but planting little seeds in your mind (things like how days out would make him happy etc). Probably not but remember you only have his word to say that she is saying these things. Why is he telling you this stuff - does he really expect you to feel sorry for him? Poor him stuck with a raving, desperate nutter. Know it makes you (and would me too) feel better to know that his life is not all rosy but I'd maybe feel even more insulted that he had done all this and swapped his life with me and the kids for this crap existence - that you came second place to this BB he is painting. Really insulting when you think of it unless he wants you to think that there is still a chance he might deign to choose you - he is playing you off against each other. I know I would so love to hear all this and hear what a nut she is and that life for them isn't so good but might be doing it just to keep you hanging - or it maybe all true.