Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Thumb, thank you. I really wish I could be this succinct.

Deep down, yes, that seems to work.

Cheers thumb!

I've been thinking about this and I am worried that you aren't doing enough to protect yourself and the children financially, solo. Your husband has proved himself to be very different from the man you thought he was, and you should be prepared for more surprises along the line. He's shown that he is perfectly willing to put his new life with the OW above you and the kids over the last few months; you should assume that this is only going to get worse, especially once they decide they need extra money for lovely 4 bedroom houses, etc, etc.

You might want to consider quite how bad things can get, and make certain that you protect yourself. For example, my parents separated when I was 12 (not because of infidelity though). At the time of separation, my father owned a thriving business and had just secured long-term contracts that should have seen the business grow through the next 15 years. When they separated they agreed that my dad would keep the business (which my mother had made significant sacrifices for during its start up) and my other would keep the house and all the insurances associated with the mortgage. They also agreed that they would keep their respective pensions (my mum's was, and still is, worth much more because my dad never bothered to pay into one properly).

However, my mother did not get this agreement formally agreed through her lawyer because she (stupidly) trusted my father. My father decided to stop doing any work and literally let his business collapse around him (making several people redundant) and went on the dole so as to avoid paying child maintenance. Although he obviously secretly squirrelled money away out of the business. He then decided to claim for half the house and half of my mum's pension. He dragged everything out for years until he could argue that my sister and I should no longer have the protection of a family home (we were students) and cost my mother hundreds of thousands of pounds. In the end, my mum had to pay him off.

She worked three jobs in order to keep our heads barely above water during this time, working 70 or 80 hours a week. During this time, my father rarely paid maintenance and only began to do so when the CSA started arresting his wages. My mother never received the whole of the massive arrears he built up. It was terrible and dreadfully unfair. In hindsight, she would advise anyone to sort out a formal, and binding, financial arrangement right from the start. I'm sure plenty of others on MN will be able to share similar, and worse, horror stories.

Do not trust that your husband will behave in a responsible and decent way towards you or the kids if it doesn't serve his own interests and agenda. Getting a proper, formal arrangement does not prevent him from acting as a decent human being, but it will ensure that he has to behave responsibly whether he wants to or not. Hopefully, in your case it'll just be a formality and he will do the decent thing, but you can never guarantee it.

Solost, the advice from youngblowfish above sounds absolutely spot on, and I think illustrates why you need to get legal advice straightaway. While your H is telling you what you want to hear about OW, and filling your head with irrelevant guff about the hard time he's getting, you're still behaving in a benevolent manner towards him. Meanwhile, I have no doubt he is stitching up his financial affairs so that everything to do with your family finances- your children's money- is locked down. Please don't believe that because he's being "nice" he won't deceive you- he has a track record on this, he is absolutely willing to betray you and his children. Sorry, it sounds harsh, but you seem so lovely and he is 100% taking advantage of you.

As an outsider, it seems to me that there are 2 desperately urgent priorities:

1- Tell the children the truth about what's going on, your way, before matters get taken out of your hands;

2- Get legal advice, and get watertight financial provision from H for your family.

Everything else (and it sounds horrible, but I think this probably includes your feelings about H, as well as the fine details about child care ) is a side issue that can be dealt with later. If you and your children become homeless, or you are unable to pay bills/buy food because he's cut off the bank account access then H getting earache from OW will really count for nothing.

It's easy to think he wouldn't do this. 6 months ago it'd have been easy to think he'd never leave you for another woman, but he did.

A couple of other things that occurred to me- earlier in the thread someone said that getting other babysitters would be a good idea, and I think this is wise. Would your in-laws help you out here? I think you've mentioned before that they are sympathetic to your situation. Do you think there is a chance that they would allow your H to have access visits with the children at their house? I understand that you want control over where he sees them, especially as you don't want OW sticking her beak in, but allowing him free rein to what is now your home is giving him control. It sounds as though your in-laws would ensure that only H sees the children, and they would have the best interests of the children as their priority.

Cross-posted with Damsel!

Solo (I much prefer this nickname!). Damsel is spot on. He is not the man you loved and trusted and choose to have children with. At best he is confused and in a mess. Protect yourself and the children. Surely you are not avoiding legal action because you don't want to hurt his feelings?

I've followed this thread, and silently cheered you on, as you are doing brilliantly. However, I now feel moved to post, because I'm so worried about your financial position. You are so nice, and just such a sitting target for being taken advantage of.

I think you need to analyse why you're not taking legal action. Is it because in a strange way, you're testing him to see if he does the honourable thing - to prove to yourself he still loves you? Or do you feel it would put you in a poor light by not trusting him? Something must be stopping you. Whatever it is, just go and take legal advice now.

And also agree with Inertia re inlaws. You're doing really well.

Honestly I think deep own your reluctance solo, is you want him back still. Your sentences are very open ended.."I wouldn't have him back straight away"....

It's fine to feel that way as it's ultimately your choice, but you do have to prepare yourself for the fact he won't.

He is making planS with BB, for the house etc. He won't be running back to his family for Christmas, he is busy plotting outragously with BB, for things in the new year, think O2 concert.

Even if you take legal advice and even start action that won't stop a reoncilliation if you want that, it may even spur it on.

Although you have come a long way, the situation hasn't has it? He is still with her, practical free reign over your house, coSy chats, using you even if it's just emotionally now.

Mean time nothing has been done by you to secure your and dc's financial stability. All the while he has probably been plotting behind your back with BB, on how to get the best deal for him.

He meanwhile plays you off against each other, he does not seem so bad then, and hopefully you don't think he is bad enough to screw you over, she does not think he will be sleeping wih you on home visits.....

I know it will be hard especially as he is around a lot this week, but you are leaving yourself as a sitting duck you really are.

Remember this man lied to you for months whilst sleeping with her, he walked out on you and the kids at the click of a finger, he has since slept with both of you, had you both on the go and probably been bad mouthing you both. He is spinless and getting worse, re, demands with dc's. FOCUS!

Another silent bystander/cheerleader here, having followed and thought how amazing you've been. I'm going to throw in my tuppence to the scare stories, to show how crap husbands/fathers can be. My parents separated amicably when I was 16, had spoken agreements about how they would split the financial assets, and left it to me to manage my relationship with them both. They've never even divorced, neither really seeing the point, because they parted on such good terms.

15 years later and we've seen another side to my father. He took his pension early, thereby depriving himself of thousands of pounds, and then squandered it before my mother could get her hands on any of it (having no pension of her own, and being quite entitled to half of his after 25 years of marriage) - talk about noses and faces!

He's pissed all of his own money up the wall (drunk it, basically), including his share of their house, leaving himself in poverty, and unemployable. So now he claims he's entitled to the endowment policy he always promised my mother she could have all of, instead of him paying any maintenance. For 10 years I acted as mediator to try to help them negotiate a settlement, even though he constantly lied to my face about his intentions and the backstabbing letters he was sending to the finance company.

Finally, when I became a mother myself, I had to walk away and tell him that he had shown this squabble over money meant more to him than his relationship with me or his GD. He's never tried to contact me, my DD will probably never know him, and my mother will only get her financial security when he dies, which he's doing a good job of hurrying along with alcohol.

As a child I was a real daddy's girl, and I adored my father. But he did that to me, and has utterly destroyed all the financial security he promised my mother. And this was a man who didn't even cheat, but was just not compatible with her. Imagine what he'd have been capable of if he was also a cheating weasel.

I am so :( to hear of these horrible stories from people about their experiences of marriage break-ups - I really hope this is giving you pause for thought, Solost.
It just demonstrates over and over that nost Men Are Selfish; they can hide it while in a loving relationship but ultimately they will protect themselves. And if they feel they are being hard done by, or have somehow been unfairly treated, they will punish their ex for the perceived slight, usually financially, sometimes in much much worse ways.

I don't believe for a second that your H would do anything to physically harm the DC, but so far he isn't doing a great job of ensuring their wellbeing either, is he - his thoughts are all focused on himself and making his life easier, and his OW and how to keep her happy (to make his life easier).
So - go and see a solicitor. Get some financial provision in writing PROPERLY because what you have now is worthless.

And do take heed of the stories that people have written on here - it's important that you believe your H is just as likely to do the WRONG Thing as the right, more so, in fact.

I don't think most men are selfish. But I reckon a good proportion of those who walk out on children are.

gosh, solo, I truly hope you are taking these latest posts about getting legal advice wrt your finances seriously and they are crystallising what you need to do

honestly, we have all been saying the same things from the very beginning of this thread and you are not listening (except for the occasional blind alley about what a bitch BB is, what a twat he is etc etc)

we know she is a bitch, and he is twat

there are only so many ways to say and only so many times to go over the same ground before it looks like avoidance and prevarication

I posed a question to you a couple of pages back and asked you to think about the motivation behind it. You never answered it.

These latest posts are asking it again.

Why are you delaying ?

Even if you are still hoping he will come back to you, protect yourself legally now before it is too late.

You can stop a divorce at any stage.

Even if you do divorce. There is nothing stopping you getting back together and recreating a relationship in the future if that happens.

He has and still is putting the OW over you.

At present he cares way more for her and is using you selfishly for his own needs.

Solo,

Have you had a discussion with your husband regarding finances at all?

This needs to be done asap, obviously. I hope you are aware of all your assets and that you are on top of all that. Is it at all possible that your DH will have any accounts or savings bonds, mutual funds etc that you know nothing about?

You need to sit down with him and write down every asset and debt that you have between you as a matter of absolute priority.

Legally (as far as I'm aware), the law is very much on your side and you are entitled to rather a lot from your husband. Split assets, child support, spousal support etc... pls do your research and get yourself the legal back up.

Good luck and keep your pecker up!

Vagabond, they have a signed piece of paper that is probably not worth the ink it is written in

Signing a piece of paper that says DH promises support is one thing.

Solo knowing exactly what their assets are is entirely another.

I agree with your though!

Solo, you need to sort your finances out asap and know exactly what is in your bank accounts etc before he (maybe) starts transferring money or spending money on her rent. Your financial split should date from the day he left your home for BB.

IMHO, the legal stuff is important but the agreement on the financial split should be a top priority.

Oh sweetheart. Vagabound is right. Find out. Knowledge is never wasted and might well be power. Of course it would be fab if he returns home (well perhaps, but that is another issue), getting legal advice to protect your children will never put off any man that loves you.

XX

Of course it would be fab if he returns home

christ, no

Hi solo. I've been reading the latest posts and i agree that you are reluctant to tell DC's and sort out the finances because you (subconsciously?) want him back. I fear though that this thought has been and is still being perpetuated by all the talk that OW isn't really the love of his life and he will eventually come to his senses etc, and then it's just up to you whether you decide to a, take him back straight away. b, take him back after you have made him jump through hoops. c, tell him to jog on.
I don't mean to upset you, but have you entertained the thought that he may never want to come back? That the choice may never be yours?

Ok. Summary. For him to come back might be a disaster. For you not to get legal advice will almost certainly make life harder for your children.

oh, yes, that I agree with

EVERYONE: Thank you all for your posts! Tough reading, some of them but I have taken ALL your comments/thoughts on board.

RE: Legal advice, I am going to sort it out, really! Part of me though feels that, H is paying for everything atm, I am sure legally I am entitled to a lot less than I am getting atm, so I don't really want to rock the boat. I WILL sort it out though, but I am struggling a little with jobs, sick kids, millions of parties, panto's etc and still nowhere near finished xmas shopping! I know it sounds like excuses and I promise you all I AM going to sort it out.

For the record, I know exactly what all out finances are, they are all in my name. H's salary is paid into a joint account and I am keeping a VERY close eye on that!

RE: Telling the DC's, have decided to take WWIFN's advice and tell them when school finishes next week. Told H today and caught him off guard I think. We are going to discuss when and how we tell them soon.

Solost - that's all good - but do remember that getting legal ADVICE is just that - making sure you know where you stand and what you need to do - not necessarily ACTING on it. So getting the advice cannot possibly "rock the boat" - because OF COURSE you will NOT be telling your H that you have done so! It is NOT his business what advice you get - it only becomes his business when you decide to action any of it. I bet you don't plan on showing him this thread, do you? And this is all advice.

I'd be quite wary of all finances being in my name if I were you - if he suddenly stops having his salary paid into your joint account (a highly likely contingency) then you are going to be stuffed. So find out what your options are ASAP.

Sorry - just feeling the need to really hammer that point home!

Solost - is he going to be there when you tell them or does he get out of that one? Really can't imagine having that conversation, so difficult for you but has to be done and probably will be better once it is out of the way.

Solo, going to be brutally honest here, it is excuses.

I know how busy it is having that many dc's at this time of the year BUT their financial security and future should be your A1 concern.

It does seem everytime the legal issue is brought up, you dodge it, saying you will, you will but this that or the other.

If I were in your shoes I'd make time, come what may, I'd make time to secure my future or know where I stood at least.

You are living in limbo at the mo and I dare say have been since August. The past month a cycle of detatching, getting sucked in, playing the game.

In another months time you probably still wouldn't have gone it will be Xmas, New year, the concert, etc,etc.

By then if we are to believe his potrayal of her, she will have gone nuts at her ruined romantic Xmas thanks to you and the kids. Then see the rug pulled from under your feet, and the best time for him to do it would be over the festive season when many solicitors close down for 2 weeks.

Don't think he wouldn't.....pissed up BB going mental over her ruined Xmas, he has had a few with her, she makes more demands, he caves using her as a cover for his shitiness...seem familiar?

If all the finances are in your name, it's you who will be screwed.

I just think you are going to bitterly regret not acting through some misguided sense of reconcilliation or loyalty, if you don't do it in the coming weeks.