Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

LMHHHF: Thanks for the wise advice. Of course I won't ask him - what was I thinking of! It's so easy to 'fall off the wagon' though. If it wasn't for you wise, patient ladies I don't know where I would be - well I do but we won't dwell on that!

You would still be sleeping with this faithless fucker, solost.

However you would have got there (in realising you were and are being totally played) in the end, of that I have no doubt.

Just had a call from H, rang initially to see how DC's were but just happened to mention.... BB!!! he wanted to know if I had contacted any of her 'customers' as she felt they were all smirking/laughing at her and she thought I'd been ringing around to tell them about her/H - apparently she threatened me with with a 'law suit' for libel??? Told H - paranoia - nothing to do with me, not interested, bye!

AF: How am I doing?

oh, bloody brilliant !

she really is paranoid, isn't she

she has reason to be, but not because of anything you might have done

She'll have a job.....libel is written word, how does she feel like one for being a harassing nut job?

AF: She is isnt she? and the beauty of all this is I have done absolutely nothing!

EMMYLOULOU: Not sure - think she may think I have also written to them - oh if I had the time.... but have a million more pressing matters. You know these single career types, think SAHMs (even those with 3 part time jobs) just sit on our arses all day watching Jeremy Kyle!

Hi solost sorry above just looked through and realised I called you solo. That's what I call you myself as I've always read your name as solo st and it's obviously seeped through into my post that I find it difficult to call/think of you in that way.

You don't seem lost to me at all - you are a lady with a very clear path in front of you of finding and revealing the truth that was always your H. Not only are you not lost you'll be able to look behind you and see things a lot clearer too.

Being a bit cheesy with the analogy here - we're all much further up the path than you saying don't worry you're fine just keep coming forward it's really ok up here just need to get there one step at a time. We're occasionally having to slap you round the head with a horrible reminder of H's behaviour to stop you turning right back round and wondering all the whys/whats etc. and say he chose all this and put his romantic version of himself ahead of your family.

Of course he may under it all be a super guy. However he will behave in this disgraceful way as long as you allow him to. Once he senses that true detachment from you then you will know whether he's the sort (as per my post above) to say "game up I've been treating you like shit basically cos I can and I'll carry on as long as I can get away with it" and also "How do I make things right?". Or not.

Once you've got the cards you set the agenda and he either bigs up to it and realises how special to be loved by you was and how much he needs to work to find/earn it again. Or the alternative as posted in previous post.

I'm really glad you're seeing H a bit more clearly. The ladies here have done you proud and come out and reminded you I think at a very timely moment going by a few of your recent posts that this is the arsehole who created this because he wanted to be with BB.

It really is a painful truth for you to hear and for others to feel like they are bashing you with. Not nice for anyone is it? The H on the other hand ... he seems to be able to bear you being tied up in knots by feeding you nuggets of hope that all is not well in paradise.

I'm glad you've seen not to enquire how he portrays you to the BB. It really is only through your behaviour he will sense the detachment.

Letting him know you're on to his game re. winding both of you up and keeping you both feeling insecure/on your toes - well he's not going to admit it anyway is he? In the best possible scenario imagine he hasn't said anything bad well I bet he's an expert in the art of suggestion/non-verbal communication that you are desperate to split them up.

Horrible slap with fish round face coming up afraid I'm again (I wince having to say it but please remember he did it) Please remember he chose her over you and your lovely family. Do not trust him at the moment. If in the future he is begging for forgiveness - well that will be another thread but let's remember why you must detach.

I just read this thread after putting DS to bed. Not sure what drew my attention to it.
But, Solost I think you're amazing (and kettle I read her name that way, too!)
Very wise ladies giving advice on here. I can't believe how strong you are and how incredibly you are handling this.
Re: your last comment about asking him what he says about you to BB... He'll just lie, you know. He'll make himself seem like he's learned his lesson and is 100% truthful to you. But, after what he's done, I wouldn't trust him at all. I may not even believe his words to you about BB. He's likely exaggerating and making some of it up. So you think, oh poor H:( he has it so rough. I shouldn't be so angry with him for what he did.
I have a close friend who went through this very similar situation. Her ex is still always appealing to her and wanting to maintain friendship and saying things to her about his gf that are negative or annoying...
She buys into it most of the time and has taken pity on him often. He is so playing her.

Your H is being just as manipulative. Sorry.

It can be neither libel nor slander if it's true!

You're still getting sucked into your husband's crap about OW though. Make it absolutely clear to him that you do not care in the slightest about his life other than where it affects the kids and you. At the moment, she does not, and should not, have any impact upon this whatsoever because, as a responsible, loving father, he must put his children first.

Also, you should definitely see a lawyer. You need to discuss a formal arrangement re: finances and access. And you want to make it absolutely clear that this does not include playing happy families with his mistress.

Your kids will need time and support (from both parents) to come to terms with a separation and to feel comfortable and secure. The whole process will be made infinitely worse if he involves his mistress until well after the kids have come to terms with their family situation. This is going to take a long time and their father has to arrange his life so as to make this as easy for the children as possible and to enable them to have a proper relationship with them. His choice of living arrangements currently make it impossible for him to take the children to his home or to have them overnight. He needs to make suitable arrangements to see the children on his own (without his mistress). In the long term, he cannot continue just seeing them at your home for a couple of hours. This isn't you being nasty to the OW or difficult; it's acting in the children's best interests and their father needs to get his priorities straight.

If he complains, remind him that parenting is very often about not getting what you want and doing what's right for the kids instead. It is his problem, and his alone, if his mistress isn't happy about him acting as a proper father. You do not need to hear anything about it.

This guy is really having the best of all worlds isn't he?

His lovely wife for sympathetic chats and discussion about boring work problems.

His new partner for drama, being in love with and sex.

His kids still thinking that he is the good guy, and getting special time with them without the daily drudge.

I'm really sorry if I sound harsh Solost. I still have the utmost respect for you and totally understand and sympathise that it is extremely hard for you to 'detach' from the man that you have loved for most of your lifetime.

But please don't forget that he is a LIAR, and not only is he a LIAR but he also treated you in an unspeakably cruel manner after he left. It is beyond doubt that he is using BB to voice his wants / needs to you. It is obviously only my opinion, but as an outsider I really think that you need to cut contact with him other than relates to the DC. He is still utterly using you at the moment and you are letting him.

I so hope that this does not sound rude or hurtful, I have followed your thread from the start and posted earlier on. I feel that I need to say this to you in the same way that if you were my friend in RL I would need to say this to you, only in order to help you see that he is treating you appallingly now, just as he always has since he met BB.

Sorry you are having to deal with this shit.

Hmm, didn't he and BB meet through work? So how come she wouldn't understand him talking about work whilst his SAHM wife would? BB is a career woman, she might be deranged but she can't be thick. She is surely on a similar wavelength to him in the workplace; isn't that how she snared him originally? What is the "soulmate" shit about if they aren't able to discuss even work together, the one thing you'd think they had in common?

No, I conclude when he tells you that you would understand but BB wouldn't, it's just a bit of flattery for a purpose. You will get a warm glow from believing you are the only one who really understands him, that he values your good sense and there are so many things he can't talk about with BB that she will soon be history. The fact is that if he was wise enough to value your good sense and understanding he wouldn't have left home in the first place.

I think the way you handled his "libel" call was perfect btw. One has to wonder how strongly he insisted "Of course Solost wouldn't do anything so petty, it's not her style at all" before ringing to tell you she thought you had.

KETTLECRISPS: Thanks for the slap round the face - I needed it. It is easy to forget when H is being 'nice' what he has actually done - and I think he sometimes 'conveniently' forgets too if you see what I mean. Its probably wishful thinking that the person I have known for 27 years is still in there somewhere! But sometimes I get a glimpse and thats when the 'wobbles' occur. I do understand that I have to detach for everyone to move on but I am finding it hard (think its the Xmas thing!).

Today we had to go to littlest DD's nativity and I had tears in my eyes as I watched her and remembered how different things were last year. H noticed and asked what was wrong. I just said nothing just proud of DD. Later he said if I ever needed to talk to him about anything he would always be 'there for me' - told him it really wasnt his place to be 'there for me' anymore and that he WASNT there for me was he? That seemed to shut him up. Its difficult to know how to handle these situations.

Regarding being called Solo - its fine! I consider myself 'Solo' now - don't think I am lost anymore! Thank you x

STAREXPAT: Thank you - I can see where you are coming from, think I need a harsh talking to atm.

DAMSELINDISGRACE: I agree, think I was kind of losing sight of things. Think its the Xmas thing - not an excuse really, well maybe slightly!

FANJOKAZOOIE: Not rude or hurtful, just insightful. Thank you. I appreciate your comments however hard - I need to hear them all.

Solost - have you seen a solicitor yet? YOu absolutely have to go and get some advice on your situation. As we've said many times, you don't need to immediately act on any of it but you need to GO and hear what your options are.

LMHF's musings are interesting - because I also believe (and it's probably very demeaning to men blah blah) that they operate on a basis of their own comfort. They don't want a row - they lie.
They don't want to lose you completely - they suck up and play nice.
They need someone to feel sorry for them - they go to the person they have done for the last 27 (or whatever) years, because they "know" that she will.
They don't want to feel guilty - so they rewrite history making out that YOU are the bad guy and the reason the relationship broke up

This is what I believe happens. I don't think they necessarily think - if I do this, it will keep her completely on the hop and wondering whether or not I've actually fully committed to the other relationship - I believe they think - if I do this, we'll still be friends and if I need a shoulder to cry on or whatever, she'll still like me enough to do it.
The outcome is the same - but the motivation is much more selfish and all about the man's comfort.
The big thing is that he is NOT putting himself into a thought process where he considers your actual feelings at any stage. It's ALL about him.

Whether or not he slags you off to the BB is not relevant. You certainly must NOT ask him - do you want him to play the wounded puppy and lie to you again? If he was telling her that you were a crazy needy woman who needed to be appeasaed, do you honestly think he would admit that to you?? NO!!
So by asking him you are demonstrating a need to be involved in his dealings with BB - something that you know you must not be.
Glad you've decided not to - hope what I've just said reinforces that decision permanently.

I don't know that he does necessarily make you out to be a crazy person but he will DEFINITELY be playing off his guilt with BB - as in "you know how much I've hurt her, she needs my help, I feel that I owe her this much at least". So - needy, yes. Dependent still, yes. Crazy? doubt it.

Re the other thing: BB is measuring you by her own standards in suggesting that you would do something so devious because that is probably what she thinks she would do. She won't get anywhere with it.

When do your DC break up from school? Although I think WWIFN's idea is technically a good one, if it's only 4 days before Christmas, you aren't giving them long to adjust before Christmas Day - that would be my only concern. I'd still opt for telling them earlier if you can.

OK, another mammoth post - keep going, you're still doing well, despite the occasional backslidings which are entirely normal. They will get less and less as time goes on.

Oh one other thing - my ex said to me at some point "I hope we can still be friends" - I answered "would you want to be friends with someone who had kicked you in the face and ripped your heart out?" he was a bit nonplussed but muttered "umm, I suppose not, when you put it like that.."
Fucking idiot.

thumb, "I hope we can still be friends".... love your response!!

You are GOOD!

Thanks LMHF - I fear that was the only one I really pulled out the bag though - there were several missed opportunities that I did the '2am thinking of really good responses' thing with.

Bet it felt good though! It was a memorable one, he'll never forget that...

Solost, have been thinking about you going out, and your H looking after the children. Whilst he should be taking on some responsibility for looking after them (and lets face it, a couple of hours at your house is hardly any kind of sharing responsibility) I wonder if it might benefit you to have others do a little babysitting as well, so that you can have a bit more independence from him to go out and do your own thing! At the moment, he is checking you in and out like he's your father, which isn't great for you, and is a bloody cheek on his part.

As others have said, please get some legal advice soon - before Xmas would be good. She is getting more paranoid and you don't know where that will lead - certainly nowhere good for you!

Great response to him last night though!

The advice on this thread has been amazing and I am sure it is helping a lot of other people out there.

I just want to add my voice to the suggestion that Llgal advice should be top of your agenda. Don't be caught out - the fact that there are lots of stories leaking out about the BB and how your Ex is feeling means you could be caught off guard. Their version of events could acquire 'legs'.

A little bit of legal advice might just give you some stronger phrases to use and send a more significant message to this pair of reprobates. I think that your Ex sounds like a bit of a player as things develop and as he is still being led by the drama of the affair, could be swayed by the BB to shaft you without a backward glance.

I think you will also feel more in control of your own future if you have a clear idea of your choices - not just the ones that he and his looney sidekick are dreaming up at the moment.

or legal

Amazing advice, as usual, but something has just occurred to me.

This may be cynical to the extreme, but I have no faith whatsoever in your H. Notice how now for a week and a half he has been calling you more often/keeping you sweet right after the weekend when you asked him to sign the paper confirming your financial agreements. He is not stupid, he must have assumed you needed it to show to the solicitor. If it is plain to see for strangers on the internet, it would be plain to see for a person who has been with you for the last 27 years. So, in order to distract you from moving on/seeking legal advice/thinking about yourself, he all of a sudden comes over all loving and caring and talks to you about BB, which is a) bonding for the two of you and takes up a lot of your (and this thread's) head space and b) actually completely irrelevant to your life.

You never did seek legal advice this week, did you? I am not saying this to make you feel bad, it is your life and your choices, but if you presume he is cynically playing you to buy more time, then you can certainly see that his plan is working. He'd rather you occupied yourself with petty drama of BB's alleged paranoias than with constructive plans for your future without him.

This may be harsh, but I heard married men talk about their wives when they are splitting up with them/cheating on them. It is not pretty. What makes you think your H is different, when in fact he had a textbook affair? In order to justify infidelity, men like that will paint their life-long partners in the most horrible way imaginable. As WWIFL said, BB did not develop this hatred of you all by herself. Please, for your own sake, assume the worst.

Also, about time he started to accept some responsibility. He 'can't stop himself' from talking to you about BB? Just like he couldn't stop himself from sleeping with her, presumably? An average 7 year old has more self control. He is a grown man with a responsible job, he does things for a reason and not because he has no control over them! And the reason why he is not telling you what those motives are, is because they are ugly. When he says: 'I love you like I always did I can't seem to stop myself from talking to you about BB/work etc.' He actually means: 'I need to speak to you to keep tabs on your emotional attachment to me and distract you from moving on and seeking legal advice in good time, while I build a new life with someone I prefer.' I think he must have an ego the size of a house.

Feel free to tell me to fuck off if I overstepped the mark, I realise that your H's behaviour makes me very angry.

I really wish you all the best and have a lot of admiration for you, despite the angry ramble.

Sorry, WWIFN. It's still early for me :)

Just to add, I don't actually even think that your H is evil. I just think he is not self-aware enough to realise that he is suffering from a moral variant of cognitive dissonance. He needs to maintain before himself that he is still a good father/trustworthy partner/good person, despite the fact that his actions are testament to the fact that he is a lying cheat with little regard for his wife and children. So he plays the piggy in the middle, while providing the two women in his life with plenty of drama to occupy themselves and distract him from thinking about the consequences of his own actions.

You, however, really don't need to play such an important role in his ego defence mechanisms. You have your own life to live after he left you for another woman.

I do apologise for my rather verbose outbursts, I really am going to go now. Hope you are doing well.

At the risk of sounding dim, My brain doesn't seem to understand the wiki link, even though I have had a coffee.

Could someone explain in Dummy terms what Cognitive Dissonance is please?

Is it doing/saying things that go against rational thinking to divert from/brush over undesirable actions/attributes?

I think, LMHF, that youngblowfish's link to it here has the implication that Solost's H knows deep down that he is a lying cheating bastard but is uncomfortable with that fact; so recreates the situation in his head to avoid acknowledging at any stage that he is, in fact, a lying cheating bastard.

Or so it seems to me.