Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Hi Solost like everyone else reading it's clear what a wonderful person you are and how much everyone admires your dignity throughout.

I've read through and I know it's been mentioned quite a few times previously but worth just re-focusing on now and again.

That is to say H is the one providing all this info re. the BB. I should imagine that is very much how he portrays you to the OW also. It may be worth considering that her reaction to possibly to the two of you being away together is because he is saying to her that you can't cope, you're begging him to come back and will stop at nothing to "win" him back etc.

That situation really suits him as he has both of you feeling that the "prize" could be snatched at any moment. So along with everyone else here I very much agree that the distancing you've started should very much continue day by day and you'll see a lot clearer that even giving any of it head space is actually playing into his hands.

Once the "fight" is over for the BB and she feels she has him he may seem a lot less interesting. i.e. H may realise this so keeps her on her feet. At the moment he's playing some angst ridden Shakespearean lover wallowing in something completely of his own making.

Once you've distanced enough from your H he will literally deflate before your eyes. He's a bit "high" on all the attention. Once everyone's moved on with time you will see him standing in front of you as he really is without the drama which for want of a better word can provide a glamour (in the sense of it being something not true/fraudulent.

All this confusion over how/why he can be so different will be much easier to understand and you will accept that the man in front of you is not the many you ever thought.

That's not to say that in the future there's no way back - it's just as everyone has said previously that man you are mourning doesn't exist probably didn't exist (you would have naturally glossed over his faults - like we do when in love) but people can move on and learn and start something new.

However the sadness for you and your children is not something that can be got round and has to be got through. Absolutely heartbreaking for you as their mum to have to see them coming to terms with things. But as is clear to everyone else they will be fine because you are such a caring mother. You will see sooner than you think that you deserve so much better than this vampire literally sucking out your genuine love and using so maliciously for his own ego and BB riling! His behaviour is really disgraceful.

You need to concentrate your love and head space where it will do you good - no more give, give and watch his batteries run dry as you distance yourself. Time to find yourself and do the old corny getting to know/respect and love yourself. Above all else your dignity is something a year from now you will as proud of as everyone else reading your story is of you.

Took a night off, and spent it in RL for a change...

WTF?

How DARE she try and stipulate any arrangements. What did your H say to her about that, (don't ask him though) surely he's not actually going to listen to that crap is he?

So she is demanding he do x, y and z...OR WHAT EXACTLY?

What ARE the consequences if he doesn't do as she demands?

He does realise that he can do whatever he likes... She's not ever going to dump him. She is FAR too desperate.

OOh, I'll be betting her trip abroad will be torture for her, she'll not sleep, she'll be distracted, and loathe every second, feeling sick to the pit of her stomach until she gets her claws back in. What a fucking saddo.

Solo, I reckon at the merest mention of her trying to influence plans you need to say something like

"OK, I get her insecurity, but really there is absolutely no need for her to worry. We are both doing this for the DC, nothing more. It makes sense to travel together, stay in the same hotel, but obviously in different rooms, for safety and for company, and for the DC."

Say that "With respect, you are not going to let her dictate how and where you travel, that simply there is not another living soul on this earth that gets to tell you what to do anymore."

Parting shot Solo? "Look H, this BB (and say that if you feel like it) is literally your problem, not mine. I don't care if she is freaking out terrified that you are going to come back to me, or whatever ridiculous fantasy she can dream up in her little head.

I'm not part of your life anymore and you are not part of mine. She is also nothing to do with me, she is all yours. You deal with her and I deal with you. You want to see the DC, fine, you want to share responsibility for them as is right and correct to do so, also brilliant.

I don't care if you have to don a tutu and go up on point to get to see them, I don't what to hear about your negotiations with her, they are nothing to do with me, or our DC."

You make the choices with me, you agree them with me, and you stick to them. Who are you most loyal to? Your poor DD, or this woman you have met 5 minutes ago, and torn the family you spent the best part of 30 years creating apart for?

I actually don't think the tears over boxing day are crocodile, I reckon she really IS that distraught, her plans are not panning out how she wanted. She thought she would have him all to herself, 24 hours a day. She can't deal with guilt, the insecurity. Now she has caught her 'quarry' she doesn't know to keep it.

I do agree with thumb on everything else, this woman is seriously on my tits too.

Hi, came across this post last night, have been reading it ever since. Went to bed eventually at 12.30am at page 16 and woke up this morning and started again.......wouldn't think i had 16 week twins would you? Oops. .
I became enthralled when i read whenwillifeelnormal's first post. I thought to myself 'this fucker doesn't stand a chance'!
Can't believe how insightful you all are. that this is probably because you have had to go through it yourself.
I'm like littlemiss i'm afraid. Got a dad that cheated (me 15, brother 12) my mum is not one for second chances and he was out the door. Up till then i was a daddy's girl. I'm so close to my mum now. He recently told my MIL that 'she's all for her mother'! (whose fault is that?!) He later went on to marry a woman who has systematically undermined our relationship, we see each other on occasions (birthdays, xmas etc)(Although she didn't come on the scene till 10 years later) He is now floundering in the relationship but keeping it going cos he doesn't want another divorce. He has admitted to me recently that she was insecure about our relationship and doesn't like me and is even insecure about his relationship with one of her DD's. (how bad is that?) I try to keep out of it in case it back fires spectacularly on me, and i never ever call her, but i plant some seeds in there from time to time- like- 'it sounds like you will split up eventually, it is just a matter of how many years you are willing to waste/lose in the meantime.' (I think this is mostly true with any relationship you try again at, unless you really get to the bottom of what happened and change it)
These men are sooooo stupid.
I know now that if my DP ever does this to me, i'm going to log on here and wait for the fantastic advice that you lovely knowledgable people can give me and i would want blunt! The blunter (word?) the better imo.
Good luck to you solost, i second everyone who says how well you are doing. One thing i have noticed though is your lack of anger. (maybe that stage hasn't descended yet) I would be so fecking furious. I think maybe your anger has been deflected onto OW instead? I remember thinking at 15, that my dad's OW owed us nothing, he was the one that had let us down and destroyed the family as we'd known it. She was completely irrelevant to me. I very much doubt BB will be on the scene for long, so I wouldn't waste my time giving her any credence at all.

Afternoon Solost, I have just read BB's demands and agree with everything that everyone else has already said (as I usually do!).

As others have said it is absolutley no concern of yours what BB wishes and quite frankly your H needs to stop telling you. If she has placed certain conditions on him that is his problem not yours. This is the life he has chosen and he needs to stop confiding in you as if you are an understanding ear in this sorry saga that he has created!

If it doesn't involve the DC's directly you don't need to know. If he starts the woe is me act, look at the pressure I am under reel off some ready responses. "BB's wishes or actions are not my concern" "That is your problem not mine" "I don't wish to know her feelings on the subject" etc.

And continue to maintain your dignity. You really are a star

must learn to spell absolutely!

Can I just add as well solost that my mum refused to tell us why dad had left. (she later told me that she thought it was his doing and he should be the one to tell us). I was 15 and thought,they would only split up for 2 reasons; violence or cheating, and i knew my dad would never hit her. My 12 year old brother however, could just see my dad crying and being an emotional mess and my mum being strong for our sakes and so blamed my mum for everything. I had to tell my brother the truth to stop him hating our mum.
Are your kids not questioning why their dad isn't there? I understand you not wanting to break their hearts, but you will have to eventually, and i bet if you were to ask my brother what he remebers about that time, it would be believing my mum had thrown my dad out and hating her. I very much doubt he remembers it was me who told him the truth. I'm just wondering whether they are alone in their rooms at night feeling hurt and confused and sad, not knowing what is going on, but definately knowing something is.

Ahhh, you see, I think that sassy has just clarified why you should get on and tell them what is happening, Solost. I know you want to do it with your H, and I know that you think he should be the one to do the hard explaining - but if he keeps defaulting on all his responsibilities, Christmas is going to be upon you and the nightmare scenario may occur before you know it.

Please just tell them that he's not coming home again - and that he will tell them why next time he sees them, but that it is just between you and him, nothing AT ALL to do with them. Please.

yes, solost, you are delaying telling the children for too long (IMO)

I think you need to examine (truthfully...) the reasons why that might be

kettlecrisps...that was a bloody brilliant post (among many...I just singled that one out as it is her first on this thread)

WWIFN is also a true inspiration on this thread (as usual)

WWIFN also has the right words for telling the children, they are a little way down thread, afair.

Although I found out accidentally my father was having an affair, I preferred my mother's straight talking. I recall when my father did his cliched, "It doesn't mean we don't love you..." [barf] I told him to go & do something anatomically impossible.

Hello again solost, wow - away for a couple of days and HOW quickly do things move on?! Catching up on lots of posts at once really highlights how well you're handling what must be a constant drain. It's one thing after another, but you're steady as a rock!

Loved your handling of the night out and am so glad you didn't text him. Just like all the other little overtures to show he still 'cares', that was nothing more than a way for this little coward to try and keep one toe firmly in Marriageville - just incase he might want to go back there one day... Ho ho ho... I think he may just be realising that his passport may have been revoked...! Oh and of course he wanted to check up on you!

I'd like to work up more disgust at BB's latest display of total fruitcake-osity but it's honestly just baffling isn't it? She truly is IMPRESSIVELY mad. I've got a new 'line' you could offer up to get him on the back foot, because as others are explaining so well, I think that the role he's playing here is extremely manipulative - most likely to both of you. So next time, perhaps you could point out to the 'Prize' that:

'Look, as I've said many times before, you've made your choice. I don't want to hear about BB's insecurity, and I don't know why you keep telling me about all this, because quite frankly it doesn't do much for your image. I understand that she's probably going to feel this insecure permanently because she's with a cheater, but she knew that as soon as all this started, and that's yours and her problem to deal with. I may be in the stronger position now that I'm NOT the person having to place my trust in a cheat, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do either of you any favours. The children are my priority - if you have any sense, you'll make them yours too, but that's up to you, I can't maintain those relationships for you. I'm sorry, but if you think I'm going to even bother to factor her reactions in to our plans regarding our daughter you must be mad. And frankly, she's getting a bit boring now, so let's hear no more about her' (bright smile)

Oh and I know it was a good few posts back now but you are so right - yes time to crack on and fill the house! What kind words :) Look at you with always a thought for everyone else on this thread, you lovely woman! Hmmm...I think that YOU might be the prize here, with Mr. Ex-Solost (gosh that sounds like an anti-vomiting med or something) only being the kind of prize which has the word 'prick' after it :) :)

Oh beefy....

GONETOSOUTHPOLE: Thanks! you are right. Not sure what the problem is tbh. Didn't give it a thought about H and I travelling to London nor did H until BB put her spoke in. It's very draining!

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKESPLEASE: THANK YOU . I am so touched by your responses. To offer to come along with with me etc. H is still coming, he said today he would 'sort something out'. Told him it not my problem, just let me know whether he's coming or not. BB's insecurities are his business. He replied that he just didnt want to get a load of earache from her? Had quite a long chat with him this morning, started about DC's and then moved on to.... BB. Aparently she cried herself to sleep last night! Told H she felt 'out of control' apparently by now she expected H not to have to come here at all during the week, that they would just have been picking up DC's on a Saturday to take them out for the day.

Told H, thats your and her problem. He agreed and said 'if she expects me to stop seeing them during the week she can go bollocks'. Think he may have started to 'see the light'. She also has a problem with him 'babysitting'/parenting the kids on Thursday when I am out for a meal with friends. I asked H if he would prefer me to get some teenager who would get pissed/smoke cannabis/shag his gf as soon as I walked out the door to look after his kids. He said NO, definately not, I will always look after them, please keep asking - its nothing to do with her?!

DOHA: Think thats the problem. She has realised his DC's ARE more important to him than she is and I think he has started to realise that too. We went to DS's panto performance tonight and instead of rushing off afterwards, he stayed til almost 9, helping get them ready for bed, something he has not done for a while. Usually when it gets to 8 he dashes off.

WWIFN: You are right. I got a text tonight from a friend whilst he was here, he asked if it was from one of the numbers I was given on Saturday. I just smiled and said 'could be'. I also told him I was going out on New Years Eve and he asked if it was with one of the 'numbers' I got on Saturday. I told him it was nothing to do with him!

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: Not sure why he tells me either tbh. Not to wind me up I am sure about that. I told him if anyone should be cying themselves to sleep at night it should be me. Who has now to look after 3 DC's alone and run a house, who sits alone at night with no-one to dicuss the day with. But I don't. He could really answer. I asked him who was dealing with all this with the most dignity, he said I was. Told him to deal with her, not my problem, not interested.

Well the offer is open if things by next year change and you would like some company x

Agree with beefy

Time to be firm about boundaries you do not need to hear any of the story from him on what BB thinks/ feels/ said etc. He just needs to let his yes be yes and his no be no and not mess you about or tell you his personal problems, when it comes to agreeing to look after the children. You do not need to hear any of this.

On my way to bed, so this is a fly by but you're one fab lady x

EMMYLOULOU: Its his choice, I say it to him all the time. I has become my mantra, am sure he getting sick of me saying it but...

KETTLECRISPS: Thanks for taking time to post. You are right, and I am trying to distance myself, it is getting easier but this week H is over quite a bit so I may have a bit of a wobble. I really don't feel that I am 'fighting for him' anymore though, more 'fighting for his time' with the DC's and I will always continue to do that. Things like H looking after the DC's whilst I go out and again when I work on Boxing Day I think that he should do this. In almost 4 months this is the first time I have asked him to look after his OWN kids and BB has a problem with it? Apparently he has to go to Scotland on Friday and she has a problem with him looking after them then driving all that way the following day. It's not a problem for him however, he is still coming.

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: I agree and thanks for the 'script' have noted it and will definately use it next time H raises BB's concerns. You are right about the tears too, not crocodile tears, tears of frustration that she can't control the situation. H told me she feels 'out of control' feels that I??? am controlling her life???? I asked H what he felt about that, he said I know you're not. I am cool, calm, detached and above all dignified - I think!! tbh. I just think its rather funny and sad!

SASSY34264: Thanks for sharing your story with me, and well done for reading the entire thread!! Its a bit like a soap opera - can't really believe this is my life now! I was angry at first, but its pointless really and now I don't feel angry at all just sad. Sad that H can't see the damage that he's going to do to the DC's when they find out the Father they thought they had is just a pathetic loser. My DC in particular idolises him, I already see a change in their relationship. DC is so more reserved when they are together. The girls, well the eldest is 8 and a real mummys girl, am sure this will colour her view of relationships and that is so sad. The littlest DD is daddy girl, has only just turned 6 and misses him more than any of them. They think he is working away btw. when this all kicked off he told them he had a new job (within the same co) and would be working away a lot and not sleeping here anymore. They have accepted this but I know I will have to tell them the truth, just didn't want BB to set the agenda/force the pace. She wanted them told, and to be in their lives after the first week!

THUMBPLUM/ANYFUCKER: I agree, they do need to know but.... am scared, sorry - wobbling badly! I will do it, I know they need to know.

KANGAROOCAUGHT: I know, I will tell them. Thanks x

THEBEEFYDWT: Aaah thanks . Will note down what you said and use it. You are right about her insecurity too. H happened to mention earlier she had been looking through his phone. Also the phone call at 1.00am on Sunday morning - H said he was asleep. Think BB must have been going through his phone and pressed dial by mistake. Told H to check his call log but.... surprise, surprise it had been deleted! I had it logged on my phone though, showed him this evening.

be careful how much you "chat" because it seems to be about hard he is finding it.

you are not his personal counsellor and you owe him no words of understanding nor even of validation of how he is "seeing the light"

ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE: You are right, I was thinking about this today. Contact seemed to be dwindling but this week he seems to be ringing more. He rang after I finished work yesterday and today 'to see if I was ok?' not a long conversation but something that hasn't happened for a couple of months. It is easy to slip back into conversing with him. I will have to be stronger! He did ask tonight why I was so 'cold' with him on the phone when he rang - so guess I must be doing 'a bit' right??

no, he should not be ringing "just because"

all contact to be about the dc's and nothing else

yes, be cold, what else can he expect ?

cold and dignified and most of all detached

solost, you can call me AF, everyone else does

Love Beefy's suggested comments!

Solost - I am glad that your H appears to be seeing the light but (and I hate to say this to you but it is needed) DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP!
Yes, BB is showing some dreadful behaviours, yes she has some truly shocking ideas (he's not going to see the DC during the week at all by now? Which fucking planet is she on?) but that doesn't mean he's necessarily giving up on it yet. And even if he does, he has shown some dreadful behaviours himself, ones you couldn't have imagined he would demonstrate - so you need to think long and hard about what you would do even if he did break it off with her. And tbh, I wouldn't have him back (immediately at least, if at all)

I suspect (because I was the same) that a small part of you likes to hear that she is having a bad time/showing herself up with her bad behaviour - but you really do need to disengage completely. The minute he starts about her, you have to say "couldn't care less, not my problem, don't need or want to hear another word about her" - but you are doing very well with it already, so just keep going! You could try saying to him that if he persists in whining on about her, that you are going to have to insist that he confines himself to contacting you only by text or email - see how he likes that!

And jolly well done on the enigmatic responses re texts! bet that had him raging internally.

Very proud of you - now please get on and tell the DC.

Oh sorry Solost - I went to do DS's breakfast mid-post and cross posted lots with you!
I know it's hard but once it's done, then you can all move forward together, they are probably feeling a little sidelined and hurt at the moment.

(meant also to say to AF - thank you! )

Why you were so cold with him on the phone?

Could it be something to do with him cheating, lying, and running off with another woman? Nah, it can't be that, there must be something wrong with you.

Do watch out not to get too sucked in by his tales of BB's mad ways. It's entertaining, but it also draws the two of you close by laughing together at the same woman. The woman, you don't need reminding, that he chose to leave you for. The woman he's still living with. You have been using the right lines but perhaps not firmly enough. He still manages to get a whine or two off per call, and you can't help but be a little affected by it.

I wonder (maybe this is too cynical, but some men are capable of it) whether he's spending more time with the DCs not primarily because he loves and misses them, but as a way back in to their mother's good opinion. Likewise telling you how dreadful this madwoman is, and then showing how strong he is to stand up to her and insist on spending more time with his kids, so you think hooray for him, he's re-growing his backbone and soon he will see the light and dump her altogether and come back to us. Thus he keeps you on a string, hoping. It's a dirty game.

yes very dirty

he wheedles back into your good books, and before you know it there are cosy chats over wine, reminiscing, feeling closer, kissing to feel close, sleeping together (again...)

be very watchful or you will find yourself the OW to OW (IYSWIM)

It seems to me that his relationship with BB couldn't actually work without you still offering him emotional support. If you withdrew from him he might have to face up to inadequacies between the two of them.

I really feel for you Solost and can only imagine how difficult telling the children will be, horrible for you and them.

Just don't be suckered by all these 'chats' about the BB. He might be totally making more of it to cover himself and I wonder what he is telling her about you - you already know he is not to be trusted on these things. Doubt everything he is saying in regard to her - he knows it is a way to keep contact with you and in a strange way is one thing that keeps you 2 close - talking about her.

I think a few more times of you not picking up the phone need to be in order.

Oh and LMHF will suffice, or Hissy, I don't mind, got my christmas name on anyway, the HohoHo must be an arse to retype.. Sorry

I think a couple of What can I do for you/What do you want if he rings up for a chat. If he says Oh nothing, only a chat. Say I reserve chats for friends, not those that betray and cheat me. If you want to talk about the DC, carry on, if its stuff about your BB then tbh, I have other things to do. then HANG UP.

I wonder if he's trying charm the pair of you. to make himself feel less guilty?

Be cold, be distant, businesslike. Tell him you think it's best to be no more than civil for the sake of the DC.

Tell him to put a pin lock on his phone, as you don't appreciate unwanted or unathorised calls to you at 1am.

Think Crackfox puts forward an interesting idea. BB is not being supportive, only draining. She is being a problem. Solo is the one he is turning to for sanity. Bugger that! Pull that rug from under him. Let him see his new life for the pile of shit he made of it.