Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Yay, I am so glad you had a good night out - well done you for being so strong.

I hope your DD is feeling better today, I have no idea if you should tell H but I think I would be tempted even if just to show him how his selfish twuntish actions are affecting those he is supposed to hold most dear.

And keep strong despite the wobble, I am sure it won't be the last but just remind yourself how far you have come and hopefully they will become fewer and far between.

(goes off to look for cheesy joke book and put mobile on charge)

Can I be on the rota?

You need a few really subtle things to wind him up and make him think you have met someone - like the odd hair around the place that isn't the colour of any of you - place a few on your shoulder, along with a dab of aftershave. This could be fun .

What about getting hold of a pair of mens shoes (about size 12 so ex thinks your new bloke is a big bugger) and leaving them near the front door. Could get a used pair from charity shop? Then be really coy and evasive when he asks you about them - leave him guessing..

Wonderful ! Cracking me you ! He is such a twat he will fall for any trick. Keep coming up with ideas !

It is, of course, common courtesy to let someone know you got home safely when they have asked you to. It is also common courtesy not to run off with a bunny boiler another woman, but hey, that's different. He's met his soulmate, you know.

What a ludicrous man.

I'm probably being a real killjoy here, but I don't think Solost should hint at there being any evidence of another man just yet. It would be better to keep the moral high ground for a while longer, I would say.
No harm in letting him think someone else might be interested - just not that anything has actually happened.

I do think you have to make a time ASAP to tell your DC, Solost - I really do. Your DD's outburst is a hint that it is time to explain what is actually going on.

So glad you had a good night out - very liberating, isn't it?

I don't think she should bother with any elaborate ruses to make her husband think she's found someone new either. It'll only cause her more trouble and couldn't possibly be worth it. It may also lead to even stronger calls for the kids to meet the BB. That would not be good at all.

I think the texting thing would be fine though because all it implies is that she has her own life and he's not involved. It would probably be good for her husband to see that she has friends and interests of her own, which are no business of his.

I tend to agree that its probably not worth getting tied up in knots just to wind him up. BUT - I see no harm in thinking up all sorts of scenarios and situations about what you could do.

My DM had to meet up with someone who had caused her a lot of pain in the past. It was unavoidable. However, we had a total hoot thinking what she would like to say and do and it sort of got it out of her system.

In the end, when the moment came, she was more than prepared for it and was able to mutter something bland then walk away.

By all means plot and plan, but in a way which gives you serenity when you have to deal with him. Be as undignified as you like in private, but in front of him be like the Queen - utterly serene.

Again, I suggest the plan as part of my hobby, to plot and scheme and not go through with it,knowing that I could inflict evil upon those that irk me should I feel the need to... It's immensely rewarding, makes me cackle and chuckle and does no real harm..

I agree, what Solost does in her life is literally of no consequence whatsoever to someone who chose to open his flies and cheat on her. Let ALONE one as low and treacherous to actually leave his wife of 20 odd years and his 3 beautiful DC for someone as seemingly fruityloopy as this this!

Nah..., 'The day you lay down with the dog is the day you get fleas and the day I stop answering to you...'

In all seriousness, I quite agree that it isn't worth playing games - although a little vagueness when questioned must be called for! Fun to plot though....

The main thing to consider solo is that you simply do not give a toss what he thinks. So no point in bothering. Xx

I'm with Damsel, I think receiving a bunch of texts whilst he's there is enough, without having to try and pretend they're from a new man. Even if they're as benign as "lovely to see you, take care!" or "seen the new Harry Potter, it's great, have you seen it?" [I haven't seen it btw, that was inspired by Harry Potter my cat]. It's all suggestive of a life beyond being at Mr solost's disposal and him knowing where you are 24*7 cos it's where he left you.

Having said that, I would definitely buy yourself a nice bunch of flowers before he next visits. Why? Because you're worth it of course! Should he misconstrue anything about that - well, you can hardly be blamed can you?

Mudandmayhem, as an aside, do we know how Boilerwoman is doing these days?

tribpot yes, she posted the other day

Actually, I agree with the sensible people who say fun to plot, but to keep the high moral ground by not doing anything at this stage OP.

KANGAROOCAUGHT: Thank you. DD is OK today. Think she may have been a little overtired yesterday - sleepover at nana's on Sat - don't think they got much sleep!!!!

FANTUS: Thank you. Have told H about DD. He seemed quite sad, told him i didn't really want to tell him but he insisted that he did want to know. Said to him that I didn't want him to think I was trying to make him feel guilty - just letting him know.

MUDANDMAYHEM, SCAREDOFCOWS, ROISINNAIMH: H enquired about whether I'd had a 'good time' told him I had. Got some drinks bought and some t/phone no's too!! Hadn't really but no harm in a leeeettle white lie is there?

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Agree

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: Told him I had drinks bought and phone no's given. He asked what I was doing New Years Eve - told him I didn't know yet - hadn't rung any of the numbers!

DAMSEL & GONESOUTH: See prev post. I agree but no harm in him thinking others were interested... is there?

TRIBPOT: The flowers, a very good idea I think.

New Dilema: DD has a performance with her choir at O2 end of Jan. H and I were going to support her - stay over (single rooms). No problem - until tonight. Apparently there are conditions from BB. These are; no travelling together, no eating together, no staying at same hotel. If we have to travel together HIS mother not mine has to 'chaperone'!!!! us. BB would have accompanied H to make sure these conditions are met, unfortunately she is out of the country on business on that date! Did mention the lack of trust on her part. What does she think I am gonna do? give him a blow job on the M1? When Harry met Sally in MaccyD's? H said he'd 'sort something out?'.

Hope you laughed in his face at that solost and were able to tell your DH that he needed to reassure BB not to worry as you were not that desperate and dont appreciate second hand goods.

Good Lord she beggars belief, the crazy bunny boiling, insecure woman. Surely he'll get sick of this all and end it soon? He's under her thumb.

Well it's his problem not yours, no doubt you replied with your usual aplumb Amazing lady that you are. Keep detached and you can enjoy the O2 concert regardless of whatever conditions the OW concocts. Would you really want to stay in the same hotel or travel together?

DOHA: Could hardly contain myself! Will deffo pass on the comment re: second hand goods! Damn, why can I never think of a 'witty retort' when I need one!

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKEPLEASE: I used the 'its your choice' you'll have to sort it out, line. Tbh, didn't fancy travelling to London alone and stay in a hotel. Thought we could at least be amicable for the DC's, DD really wants us to see her. But it seems BB has other ideas! He told her yesterday about looking after the DC's on boxing day - she cried! apparently. Said her 'family gathering' was very important and she really needed him there! He's still looking after them atm, but have enlisted M&FIL as backup just in case.

Tease all you like! Just stay safe and don't leave yourself open to any more hurt.

The 02 saga is quite amusing. (congratulations on your DD performing there ) What more does she want from him? He has already walked out on his wife and precious children. He's lost his backbone and seems ill-prepared to deal with such a needy partner.

To me, she sounds terminally single - not a flippin' clue about family life, the give and take that it requires. The closenes that you have shared as your DCs have been with you. And the most glaring gap in her experience to me is that - once you have children, its not about you any more, its about your children. They become your priority. It doesn't bode well that she sees a trip to see your DD perform as an opportunity for him to get close to you. She has no idea that it might just be a chance for two proud parents to go and support their DD and feel immensely proud.

She should be ashamed, but then someone so self obsessed and insecure is unlikely to empathise with those emotions.

Well if BB tries to rain on your parade I reckon one of us lot would love to keep you company. Obviously your lovely DD would prefer her Dad to be there but if you're not fancying the idea of London alone I'm sure one of us can oblige I live fairly near and pop in a fair amount as do other MNs on here I reckon. Or you could stay at one of our places? Is your DD staying with a large group elsewhere?

Can't believe BB burst into tears about needing him on boxing day? Whatever for the crazy woman, surely him being there for his DCs is more important Well not to her obviously...

Gonetosouthpole - great post, totally agree.

BB needs to learn or is begining to learn that DH's family gathering on boxing day (the DC's) are very important to him and perhaps are MORE important to him than her. She is sounding less and less attractive and mentally sound as the days go on.
I am not quite sure why your DH insists in giving you all this information, is he trying to make you grateful that he will look after HIS DC's at the expense of her being upset.
Please just tell him that you are no longer intersted at all in his home life and relationship just as he should not be interested or asking you about your home life or relationships. Your common ground is the DC's nothing else needs to be discussed for now
As for new year tis none of his concern what you are doing- unless he is volunteering to watch the DC's for you. You could ask (even if you have no plans) but l think the BB would probably implode at the suggestion. Now wouldn't that be a lovely mess to see out the year

Like I said upthread, I wouldn't endorse lying, although tbh, I'd love to have seen his face at the revelation that other men had given you their numbers....

What I'm actually suggesting is that you are enigmatic and a woman of mystery. The next time you go out and he asks what happened, or when he asks who the flowers are from, or who all those texts are from, you say "Sorry, I don't want to talk about my personal life." This wrongfoots him far more than fibs or embellishments and means you remain detached and aloof.

Having written a post today about the bad manners displayed by people obsessed with their phones when in company, I sense that now is the time for you to display some very bad manners and if he is wittering on about BB's latest paranoid episode, you inappropriately burst into laughter at the text/E mail you've just received from "a friend."

If he sees you laughing again Solost and with an appetite and zest about life, all created by your new independence, it will infuriate him and serve to make him feel very jittery indeed, especially when he contrasts this with the cat's bum's face of the OW and her nervous twitching whenever you or the DCs are mentioned.

No lies, just enigma, mystery, refusal to engage and LOTS of laughter.

Solost - no harm in letting him think that other people are interested in you - after all, he apparently isn't any more but that's HIS fault, not yours - so reinforcing that you are still an interesting, attractive, desirable woman is all to the good.
But - try and avoid direct lies - you'll get caught out at some point. WWIFN is right - enigmatic is the way to be. If he asks re. texts/flowers/drinks etc., just say "no one you'd know". Because even if you have bought them yourself, it's still true - he DOESN'T know the 'you' that you now are.

BB is really living up to her nickname, isn't she?! Dictating how little he can be in your company - what a joke! If she's out of the country, how the FUCK does she think she's going to police it? She'll just have to take it on trust - oh wait, he's not exactly trustworthy, is he. Ah well, too bad. That's what you get for going for someone who is already married.
In the end, it's up to him how he deals with it, it's SO not your problem - but he really ought to man up and just tell the dozy bitch that he is travelling with HIS DAUGHTER and will be staying with HIS DAUGHTER and eating with HIS DAUGHTER - and if you, her mother, happen to be there as well then that's just too fucking bad. BB needs to grow the fuck up. (I'm not sure if you're travelling with your DD or not, btw, she's probably travelling with the school, hey, but BB doesn't need to know that. If you're concerned about getting yourself to London, perhaps the school need more volunteers to go on the coach with them?)

As for "crying" over the Boxing Day scenario - well, what a load of crocodile tears, if they ever even happened. And tbh, why the fuck should you care if she cried? Why on earth is he trying to elicit your sympathy for the woman who helped him destroy your family life? Is he completely fucking insane?

Sorry for all the swearing there - this woman is seriously getting on my tits now.

I love thumb when she's angry

The whole irony of her actions coming home to roost here.......she knows he is a cheat as he left his wife and kids for her.....and I bet she has an inkling that he hasn't been "faithful" to her since.

She'll always be watching over her shoulder, he'll always be made to suffer for it, funny really.

What a thouroughly miserable life he is going to have, but it was his choice after all.