Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Have just now read this whole thread. You are really inspirational, solost. I hope you had a fabulous time tonight!

Regarding her clawing back time from him seeing the dcs, I really do think you need to have the chat about unreliable fathers and how it is more important now than ever to make plans to see them and stick to them to the letter. Either that or just don't organise to come at all.

What he seems to be losing sight of is that the dcs must now come first. He's turned their world upside down and so it's his responsibility to stop letting them down further by getting their expectations up then blowing them off. Of course, do keep a record of all the texts, emails and so forth when he does show unreliability as you will be able to use this to inform your solicitor at a later date, just in case they try anything re: custody.

PS Hope you had a lovely night!

Everyone speaks such sense on this thread - it's wonderful to read :)

I, too, hope you had a wonderful night and did not text him.

And I second tribpot on the family holidays / happy memories point. I was 6 when my parents split, and have loads of happy childhood holiday memories. Mum would take us to stay with her family in Wales, and we'd run feral with cousins. Dad took us on 'divorced dad' type holidays, to seaside towns and funfairs. It was all good. Interestingly, I have no memory whatsoever of going on holiday with him and stepmother - that'll be because it never happened, at her insistence no doubt. Which is probably a good thing for everyone.

But honestly, don't worry. Your children will be fine because they have you

that's a good point re holidays - I remember childhood holidays with some reserve, as most of the time there was a fair bit of tension between my parents, which affected the overall enjoyment of the holiday.

You might find that holidays you have solo with the DC will be less stressful because there is just one of you.

wonders if Solost is home yet

bless her, she's probably gone straight to bed!
Hope she had a great time, anyway

I'm rather hoping she has got out of bed, but someone else's..... .

Oh can you imagine the idiot H's reaction if he thought that Solost was seeing someone else?

Oh there'd be no end of uproar about it! He'd probably be on his high horse about the care of the DC (love the general hypocrisy that kicks in at that point) and introducing a strange man into their lives, as though every man that solost is ever going to meet is some kind of pervert... and of course she would, in his eyes, have lost the moral high ground so he would start beind more arsey.

I hope she isn't too hungover though!

Hope you had a great time and that you have a lovely Sunday. Christmas decs coming out here. Glitter tinsel and chaos highly recommended as hangover cure. It is all just so mad everyone has to go along with it. Cheesy Christmas songs optional. X

Loving this thread yesterday!! Solost - really hope you had a great time. I know what you would have been doing before you went out last night - thinking about how exciting it used to be going out and then coming back to 'him'.

He doesn't have that right anymore - you coming home to him. That's how you have to remember his role in your life - father to your beautiful children, but not your world.

When my soon to be ex discovered I had started to see someone, he was appalled, despite constantly telling me all he wanted was for me to be happy.

So now I am trying to be, he doesn't like it.

It's ok for him to have pissed off with his latest girlfriend (the mistress dumped him as soon as she'd found out he'd left me) and her three kids, but for me to have a life of my own is obviously not acceptable to him.

TOUGH LUCK BUSTER.

I really, really hope you didn't text him.

But try not to go down the making him want you back scenario . . . . it very rarely works and you have moved on so much, I don't think, like me, you could ever trust him and forgive him, specially his tolerance of BB's behaviour towards you - his wife, the mother of his children.

Idiot man. I wish him much happiness luck in his relationship. She'll soon get fed up of him moping around.

Hope you had a good time Solost.

As advised to Boilerwoman at the time of her split, make sure to make a little dent in each of the pillows on your bed before he comes next time, so it looks as though both sides of the bed have been slept in . Even better of course, find someone nice to sleep in the other side of your bed

Ah, the memories... XH said he would agree that I could have DS4 50% of the time (bloody kind of him) so long as I signed a declaration that I would not date anyone else. I said was he going to sign such a declaration himself? He wasn't, of course. For some reason he thought that my sexual behaviour would impact on DS but his wouldn't - some convoluted explanation about anyone I slept with automatically becoming a replacement father but him being able to keep girlfriends separate. I said I ain't signing anything, buddy, it's none of your damned business who I see and you will just have to trust me to always put my child first, just as I'll have to trust you. (I did wince a bit at the last part of that sentence, and rightly so as it turned out.)

The court agreed with me, of course.

OhMyGod: THANK YOU ALL soooo much for your support!!!!! I am TOTALLY OVERWHELMED by all your comments - sorry if I don't reply to you all x

Update from last night: Had a blast, great to be able to to out as a 'single'. Have a few glasses of wine, danced on the table! The 'new me'. I was a bit sad to come back to an empty house though, but it passed (before I passed - out into bed - not used to such a late one!!). H texted 'nite' at midnight. Rang at 1.00am. Ignored both. Got a 'thanks for letting me know you r ok' about 2.00am. Then he started ringing about 9.30am this morning, left it about an hour then sent a text 'what do you want, am in bed'. He has texted on and off all day, stuff like; did you have a good nite?, who won im a celebrity?. Ignored.

Had a bit of a wobble tonight thought, littlest DD cried A LOT before bed. She wanted daddy. I cuddled her and told her we were all here for her but no, she wanted 'my mummy AND daddy'. Held her til she fell asleep. Should I tell H? Is there any point? I feel so sad for her. The one thing she wants and I can't give it to her.

CARAMELLE: Thanks for your support x

ABEDELIA: You are right. How do I get through to him though? I have tried and tried. His intentions seem to be good when he's here but as soon as he gets back to BB..... Take Friday for example 'Concertgate'. Event cancelled, H had all evening, asked him what he did - 'Xmas Market' FFS??? I asked him, didn't you want to come and see DC's? - his reply - 'I didn't think'. For gods sake! What do you do?

MISSCLAVEL: Thank you, it good to have someone's perspective who's has actually 'been there, done that'. I know realistically they'll be fine. But have usually booked next years hol by now and can't really face it atm. DC's keep asking - they had a blast this year, 'can we go back to where we went this year' but for me that holiday is spoilt, all the memories are now coloured by that fact that whilst we were all having a good time, H was busy pining for his BB! Don't know whether a return trip would 'excorcise' those memories, or whether it would be too sad to go back there?

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Back at 2.00am, didn't think you lot would still be up so thought I'd keep you in suspence

WWIFN: The 'male' contingency weren't up to much tbh! Just got rid of one middle aged , don't really want to acquire another IUSWIM! However, won't be telling H that!

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: You've got that right! Whoever I met would be a raging paedo, not fit to have around the DC's. His double standards are truely breathtaking bearing in mind the stuff he tells be about BB whom he expect me to hand over my kids to.

DONTDISS: We've got the tinsel out too! Gave the DC's a free rein - tinsel where you would'nt believe - looks great though. H always liked it neat and tidy - now it looks like one of those 'pop up xmas shops' - you know what I mean! And carols? we had them for the last 2 months!!! Thank you x

LIFEMOVESON: He's just like that. What is it with these men. He even admitted it to me once, he didn't want me to move on even though he patently had. I don't really know what he wants - not sure he does atm. Just wish he'd leave me alone and let me get on with it tbh.

MUDANDMAYHEM: Thanks, might just do that!

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: What is it with these men? How come they change so completely. When I look back at some of the stuff I've posted then think back to before all this kicked off its like i'm writing about a completely different person. H thinks exactly the same as you H by the way. Although he's always pushing for BB to be involved in their lives. And the more he pushes .........

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Am back! x

Sweetheart. He is having his cake and eating it. He wants to keep you onside in case this relationship fails. He knows that you will take him back. Be strong. Tell him to get lost, you are worth more than that. It is better for the kids that you break now rather than take him back, throw it in his face in arguments, or for him to throw it in yours. Do you want them to be in a potential war zone in the future? I'm sure you're saying No. Can you imagine sleeping with him again, now nowing where he has been? What if it was the other way around. Would he be ok with you? I think not!

Solost the pain in my heart when my DD said things like that and wishing I could fix it and make it better was so hard. I wouldn't tell him, I did tell my H and then he accused me of trying to make him feel bad

Glad you had a nice time out and especially proud of how detached you're being and maintaining your dignity. Keep those boundaries up, you're amazing. He isn't with you anymore and needs to stop trying to be your best buddy with all these constant texts etc

This is a fly by as I'm off to bed but I'm sure all the other fabulous ladies on this thread will be along very very soon with their usual fantastic advice.

hooray!!! nice one Solo!

Hi Solost, have been following this thread for AGES, think I love you :)

Just wanted to say, I think H's communications are completely inappropriate and sickening. I know WWIFN's advice at the beginning was to cut contact if you want him back, but I think you should do that because he is an ARSE and doesn't deserve your friendship or any contact with you other than the bare minimum for the DCs. His actions have shown him for what he is, and no amount of 'caring' or concerned texts will camouflage it.

Good luck Solost (agree need new name!)- you'll be absolutely fine.

Ah, I did say in my first post that my aim in these situations would be for the man to be dumped by BOTH women, but I think in the early days of this thread, Solost wasn't quite ready to see her H as damaged goods that couldn't be returned.

Of course you are quite right robberbutton and I think Solost is moving towards this view.

Great that you had a good night Solost. I hope that text from him thanking you for letting him know you were safely home was him at his passive aggressive, sarcastic worst and that you didn't let him know you were home?

My arse he cared about your safety. All he was doing was checking up on you to make sure you hadn't met someone. Going back to my first post again, in your shoes I'd have some fun with this. I wouldn't lie about a mystery man, but I wouldn't be above dropping a few hints and to be suddenly found texting someone furiously while he was around. In fact, can you get your women friends to text you a few jokes while he's there and can you them mimic an excited gasp when you read them, deleting them straight away?

In fact, all you need to do is to replicate the behaviour you saw while he was having an affair. He should know the signs after all.

I'm sure with the might of the respondents on this thread, we can cook up some other gems to get this idiot man all twitchy and insecure. Are you up for it Solost?

Hi WWIFN :) I know you were responding to the thread title, rather than saying H's return would be the desired outcome. Solost's journey has been amazing to read, and of course not over yet!

Oh solost, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE buy a cheapo mobile and new sim, and we can be your new BF....

You tell us when he'll be round and we'll carve up the time with a rota of 10 minute slots of things to make you laugh....

MNHQ, this PM thing is really useful.... behind the scenes plotting.. love it!

Oooh - count me in on the rota for calling.

Hilarious!!

Sweetheart I am so pleased you had a great time.

Your heart must be breaking for the children - but always try and remember for your own sake, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. OK?!?!?

Do you know, my new relationship ended today - I am devastated of course, but it was my choice - something just wasn't working.

But - I can deal with this - the 'new' me is still in control. You're already halfway there baby girl.

Woo hooooooo

Oh Solost please count me in for the Rota--l can be on 24hour standby if needed.

Glad you had a great night out, time now for you to plan another one.

Next time he is over can you leave "evidence" of a male visitor and rush to tidy it way when he arrives.

His texts when you were out were not out of concern, it was an attempt to control you. Well done for not responding.

Keep up the good work

I do a nice line in text

Bless your dd, hope she is ok today.