Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Hi Solost,

I haven't posted before but I have lurked from the beginning and just wanted to add my admiration and support along with everyone else's.

Your strength of character and love for your DC's come through so clearly from your posts and I am so glad to 'see' you getting stronger every day.

I have no experience or advice to add to the wonderful advice you have already been given. Just wanted to let you know you are an inspiration and your DC's are sooo lucky to have you.

And sorry if it has already been suggested but maybe a namechange is in order as well as a new thread title? Something to reflect where you are now iyswim? Just a thought

(takes of cheerleading outfit and goes back to lurking)

You've been married 17 years but you met when you were 15 - are you even forty yet? Most of your adult life is still to come and you already have a fab family (including, probably partly thanks to your excellent personality, a great relationship with both sides of your childrens' family). You haven't wasted anything, there's still plenty of time to start really enjoying life on your own terms and meet a good'un! You could end up having another thirty-year plus relationship with someone you haven't even met yet. (Mind you squeeze in a lot of lovely, peaceful-but-exciting, mind-expanding, life-affirming single time first though!)

New thread title could be fun. 'Ex Still A Tit - No Need To Hold Front Page - Anyway, Let's All Talk About Something More Interesting'. Too long though!

Oh, and I'm not far off the big 40 myself...we only got around to having our litle girl this year...now can't help feeling that we should have started a lot earlier (and had a bigger family just like you)! The really big life decisions - I don't think there are many folk who don't have some regrets, even without the upheaval you've had. There are so many different ways we could have all lived our lives eh?
x

Your life so far hasn't been wasted at all. You can't lose the life you've lived already any more than you can un-eat a cake. You lived it, it was good at the time, it helped make you who you are, and of course you had lovely children. The future you expected may be lost, though other futures have opened up, but the past will always exist and was emphatically not a waste.

I've been following this thread but haven't had anything useful to post as yet. If you're thinking of an appropriate name change, you could just add and 'i' to your existing name and get 'soloist'. I keep reading your name that way anyway and it seems far more appropriate to your new outlook as a strong, independent woman doing what's right for herself and her DCs.

DAMSELINDISGRACE: Thank you x

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: I see where you are coming from and I know you are right BUT.... just can't help feeling.... I never wanted to be a single parent, thought I did all the right things, looked after H, looked after myself - kept fit, slim, healthy, looked after DC's, kept the house nice etc. never looked at another man and yet it still wasn't enough was it? Sorry feeling a bit sorry for myself today!

THEBEEFYDWT: I am 42 (just), H and I had been together 27 years. I had no regret about any of my life, none whatsoever, really enjoyed it - every bit. But now, its all crashed down around us. My biggest regret now is that the DC's won't have the 'conventional family' both H and I enjoyed, that they will never have 'family holidays' and 'days out at the seaside' with mummy and daddy - stuff like that ever again. That they will have to be shipped of every(other) weekend, missing their friends, hobbies etc. to stay with H and BB (I will stop this happening btw for as long as I possibly can). With regard to your family, you have loads of time to have more kids, you are not even 40 yet!! - spring chicken! Crack on kid, fill your house with their joy and laugher! Its the one thing that keeps me going atm.

FANTUS: Thank you so much. Your support is REALLY appreciated (especially today) am feeling a bit down but you have cheered me up!

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Thanks for your perspective on this. I do wonder why he always puts her down to me. Its like when I say 'her wonderful career' he says 'she's just a saleswoman, its not a wonderful career', and stuff like that. Thought he'd want to 'big' her up, to justify why he left but he seems to do just the opposite? Detach, detach.

UPDATE: Am going on a 'night out tonight' with friends, a kind of dinner dance type of thing, was really looking forward to it but now its time to get ready am feeling a bit flat. Am sure I will feel better once I get the 'gladrags' on'!.

Well H came today to see DC's, he seemed a bit sad tbh. I asked what was wrong, told him he seemed a bit sad, said 'don't you want to be here? you can go if you want'. He replied, 'I am, you should be glad, its what I deserve'. Just shrugged and said that I didn't want him to be sad, not that vindictive kind of person. Have found it hard today tbh, think am having a wobble. Will go out and enjoy myself tonight!

Thanks for all your support. x

Call me cynical, I'd say he was "sad" as you were going out and having a life of your own.......the idea was to make you wobble I think and have him on your mind all night.

EMMYLOULOU: He also said, text me if you need anything and to let me know you are back safe? I asked why? He said I need to know you are safe. Told him will be 3am - BB won't be pleased. He said, not bothered about her - pl text.

Will not think about him, will make a concious effort not to. Am gonna have a good time, a few glasses of wine and a boogie!

You do that, and please DON'T text him

Hope you have a great, well-deserved night out. Either emmyloulou is right (very likely), or it's all part of his imaginary tragic hero scenario, or both.

Don't text him and turn off the phone. He has no right to ask you to inform him of your whereabouts.

Enjoy your night out, you deserve it.

I hope you have an excellent night out!

Twenty-seven years is a long time. Has your H ever been unfaithful to you before?

Hi Solost have a fab night out and dont text him either , the truth is you're not on his watch any longer and he cant seek to keep tabs on you.

I expect he just wants to make sure you get home at some point ...

Seriously you are coping just brilliantly and if you can have a couple of drinks and a breather from all this it will do you the world of good. Big glass of water before bed

Another one saying don't text him. So now he is concerned about your well being? Shame he wasn't as concerned when he started screwing around with BB.

I hope you have a fantastic night too

DON'T TEXT HIM!!!! He just wants to make sure you're not out with another bloke... what's okay for him is clearly not acceptable for you to do. He can (insert favourite expletive) off. Bet he doesn't sleep a wink waiting for the text. BB will be cross.

Enjoy your night out, I agree don't text him.

I used to find seeing my H when he came for contact also made me feel low after for a while. Definite mixed bag of emotions each time he left for a while. I also found it difficult to not care and be aloof and detach etc. It's hard but you're doing great!

Another Don't text him from me!

have a fantastic night Solo!

You could text him at 2p.m tomorrow and say "just got home...."

Failing that, nothing please. Have a great night Solost.

have a great night and DON'T text him!

Have a good time Solost, enjoy yourself. You can have a wobble but tomorrow is another day, one day closer to healing! (so I'm told, and I'm hopeful I will get there soon). Take care.

solost you are on Strictly Come Dancing tonight - keep that as your mindset and burn up the dancefloor!

Understandably, you over-estimate the importance of a nuclear family. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I am very fortunate to have one of the best of men as my step-dad, I have no regrets about my childhood whatsoever, and I'm very glad my mum followed a path to happiness.

Your dcs will have family holidays, it's just the family won't look the way you originally expected. This is a different world - not one you would have chosen but here it is anyway. Embrace the future and keeeeeep dancing!

PS Absolutely do not text him, what the hell does it have to do with him?

Hmm, Annie's crystal ball is glowing... I see a scene unfolding... SJ (that's the Spineless Jellyfish) receives a text at 3am. BB snatches phone and says "It's her, she says she got home all right, why is she texting you?" SJ says "I've no idea, er, she seems to be having some trouble letting go". BB says "well tell her not to text at 3am ffs". "Yes dear", says SJ.

Maybe he just wants her to think you are the bunny boiler.

Nail on head there, exactly Annie.

Solost - am thrilled at the "concertgate" scenario and you handled it really well, IMO.

Let's see what happens next week, which day(s) she tries to claw back from your H seeing his DC.

goddammit, I wrote that post hours ago but forgot to post it (fell asleep!) so just pressed post before catching up.

Hope you're having a brilliant night out and DO NOT TEXT HIM! He is indeed just checking up on you and he has zero rights in that area any more.

He may have been genuinely sad but he didn't have to show it - showing you that he is sad is designed to make you feel sorry for him again - and you have no need to! You fell for it because you have 27y behind you of caring about how he is and how he feels - that's hard to switch off - but always remember HE has done this to HIMSELF. You can pity his monumental stupidity, but don't feel bad for him.