Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

hohoho ! thats stuffed them like a turkey !

Well done Solost on keeping elegantly cool on the phone to H.

GETTING EASIER: No game playing, honestly. This is my life now. They told me firstly they would be Xmas shopping that day, complete coincidence, then I find out OW has booked a hotel - not any old hotel, the hotel right next to the concert (another complete coincidence). I asked them to cancel, said I was uncomfortable with it - she refused. I haven't cancelled any hotel room. Therefore, to let them know, a little late in the day perhaps, that the concert is cancelled, well as others have pointed out, they are here Xmas shopping anyway! Turns out though - see previous post, they arn't......

THEBEEFYDWT: Think sadly you could be right. I am starting to believe I could be better off without him. Never, ever thought I would here myself say that. But life seems so much simpler without him. Think it may be that I've never been on my own as a 'grown-up'. Have been with him since I was 15. Maybe I need this time alone?

Yes, enjoy your time alone.

And, when you are ready, you sound so bloody fab, you will meet someone who is worthy of you

Solost i have the feeling that in the not so distant future you will have an absolute ball to yourself , and wonder what you ever saw in H .

He on the other hand , will sit thinking how could i have been so stupid ?.

Ahhh. Well shows the whole thing was a sham. Hell that BB is really..uh a BB?!!!!

BTW like another poster I keep giving those 'BB's other words...like 'Bonkers Biatch' lol. But then I feel a little bad cause well she must be a terribly unhappy person and stuff...

Anyway.

Well done for being dignified, well done for not drama-ing it and yea ok playing them at their own game a little..but hell thats understandable.

Good for you Solo.

Solost, Can you imagine a day when perhaps you will think that the best thing happened to you was the day he left...

I can.

My mum is happier than she would have been with Dad.

SCAREDOFCOWS: You are right, when I look back at myself it's like reading about someone else. I am much stronger now, the detaching thing that WWIFN posted about really helps. The less contact I have, the better I feel.

THELITTLESTKIWI: Not sure of his mental state tbh. Would'nt really want him round me and DC's atm. Kind of sad in a way. Have started feeling a bit sorry for him really - in a pitying kind of way.

AIM4U2B: Thanks, I do see where you are coming from. Am going to have to give a lot of thought to a lot of things arnt I. Would prefer to concentrate on rebuilding my life for me and DC's but H and BB keep intruding! Am seriously trying to detatch.

WWIFN: Wise words. You are right, he hated people who had affairs. Although he told me the other day he now understood why people did and what made them do it. I would'nt want the person he has become to return, I understand what you say about him living elsewhere at first too. As I said previously, I could not have him come back 'just like that' he would have to be somewhere else, by himself for a while. Tbh being alone has done me a lot of good, think it would do him some good too.

MISSCLAVEL: Thank you x

KANGAROOCAUGHT&MISSBOOGIE: Think Xmas will bring this all home to him. Although BB has a problem with him seeing the DC's 3 nights 'on the bounce next week'. Night 1, DS Xmas pantomime, Night 2, DD2's nativity play, Night 3, Mummy's evening out with friends. And now Night 4 DD1's re'scheduled carol concert! Ho hum.

ABEDELIA: Sounds like you are writing about my H! Aaah he thinks he's unique too! Not a grubby little affair he told me, not like that at all. Think he may already be 'breaking down' so to speak. When I spoke to him yesterday he sounded odd, asked him if he had been drinking. This morning got a text saying he promised he had not been drinking yesterday. But he still sounded 'odd'.

ABEDELIA, DOHA, SCAREDOFCOWS, ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE, LITTLEMISHOHOHOFIT: Thank you x

Keep going, you are being so strong and fabulous. Don't forget to yell if you have a wobble though, it is a huge change that you are coping with.

How are the children doing? What do they think about their father living elsewhere?

Oh solost, I've been reading but not posting up til now, but your classic 'concert cancelled, see ya!' text was just too much. That is comedy gold.

BLOODY WELL DONE YOU, on everything you've achieved so far, and bloody well done MNers on all the support and advice that's been posted on this thread.

If the sole purpose of bringing the snow to this country was to allow you to have this moment - it was worth it! (And I am in the thick end of the snow zone, it's a nightmare).

oh yes, I would swallow being snowed in for a week, so that moment could happen

Next time I'm trying to extract clumps of snow which are frozen to my hair, I will at least know why

TRIBPOT: Aaaah, thank you. I really appreciate yours (any everyone elses) support. Don't know what I'd have done without you all! (Well I do, but try not to think about that!)

Snows bloody deep here too. Kidz have been off school most of the week and guess what? Its just started again!

ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE: It did feel, kind of great - like I said before, Karma. And tommorrow, H is coming here for the day so BB is gonna have to kick around town for the WHOLE DAY waiting for him to pick her up at 4.00pm. Shame!

DONTDISS: Thanks! The kids seem to be doing great. The older two don't really ask, like you and other posted have commented, they probably know there is more going on and I do keep asking them to let me know if they need to ask anything or talk to me about anything. Am really letting them lead me atm. Am almost strong enough to tell them though and I agree they need to know. Just didn't want to be pushed along by BB, will tell them when I think they are ready and not before. The littlest DD asked a few weeks after he left whether H would be sleeping here again, I told her I didn't think so but not to be sad about it, she still had Mummy, DS and DD. She seemed to accept this and was quite happy.

Solost when l look back at your original post and see how far you have come on l am truely amazed.

You are an inspiration and your Dc's are so lucky to have you as their mum.

Quite agree with Doha and everyone. D'you want to start a new thread? I don't think this title really reflects your current thinking. Don't feel any pressure to do so but it could be liberating if you feel like it?

Wow, I had missed that you had been with him since you were fifteen!

So - you're a completely different person to the one who met/married him...he's shown that he's a completely different person to the one you thought he was...sounds as if these two new people may not have been the right ones for each other after all...

You just sound so normal and sensible and lovely and as AF says, just FAB. And he sounds like a right knob, the kind of bloke a woman like you would suss out and avoid in a heartbeat.

On a brighter note, CONCERTGATE was excellently handled and [snigger] - there's not a face for that it seems

DOHA: Thank you for your support - could'nt have done it without you lot X

TRIBPOT: Will give it some thought! Any suggestions?

THEBEEFYDWT: I suppose we are different people now, and in a way that makes me feel quite sad. Sometimes I think maybe I wasted my adult life? Of course I would never regret it, the DC's of course. BUT would have liked to have spent my life with someone who put me first instead of doing one with the first person showed an interest in him!

CONCERTGATE!!!! Classic.

CONCERTGATE II - coming to a MUMSNET relationship post soon! (next friday!).
Can't wait for that, H is supposed to be over here on Sat morning at 6.45am as I am working (a favour for a friend). So he will have to leave the concert (about 10pm) drive for an hour to get back then set of back here (about 5.45am). Bet they wished they'd held back on the hotel now! Apparently OW has had 'issues' with him seeing the DC's 3 nights next week anyway (I used the 'its your choice' line when he told me) so an extra night.....

Sorry, sounds a bit like I'm gloating doesn't it? Im not, just glad BB is starting to see that H has resonsibilities here and that she cannot control everything. Need her (and H) to realise that DC's come first, they are not something that can be picked up/put down when it's convenient for them. And tbh Xmas, is a tough time, loads of concerts, birthday parties etc. and I really need help to make sure none of the DC's miss out. After all none of this is their fault is it?

solost, my suggestions:

Husband left - couldn't give a fuck

Husband left - it's fucking great!

Husband left - pls adopt a BB today

Husband left - no-one noticed

For a different theme:

I liberated my family and realised I am ace

Snow destroyed marriage - hurrah!

I am woman, hear me roar (followed by random comment of your own re: H)

I rock. If you rock, come post on my thread.

===

Just a few examples of where you could go, solost.

ENJOY.

Solost - yep, my H says now that had we not reconciled, he would be drunk and dead in a gutter by now... he was certainly heading that way. Luckily he had the sense to separate himself from both of us when it all came out, and work out what he thought / why he'd seemed 'in love' / what he really missed, then do some serious begging and work on the crappy bits of his personality to reclaim his prize :) If he'd gone off with her I'd not have been as welcoming...

One more thing - he did say (and even to her at one point as she was emailing him with increasingly begging and mental declarations of devotion and BB-ish love) that I was the only person in all of it who had behaved 'decently' throughout. She went crackers about that, of course, as the respect he had for me shone through. I am sure the same is dawning on yours.

I'm lurking and smiling Solost. I agree a new thread for the new you is a fab idea.

Love Concertgate, handled so well

husband left-the birth of She-ra

Solost - I have had a good laugh to myself about Concertgate, brilliant.
I'm just so amazed 1 - that BB has the sheer audacity to put any limits on the time H spends with his children and 2 - that he feels it's right to acknowledge her attitude and then tell you about it.
FWIW I've been with my DP for over four years now, he didn't meet my DC's for over 18 months and it was another 6 months or so before he stayed over at my house. Even now he only spends one or two evenings a fortnight at my house when my DC's are here.

He has never ever asked me to put seeing him above seeing DC, even when it's meant changing plans we've had at the last moment, he has even spent New Year on his own (in the early days) as I was with the DC's.
He fully expects me to put them first and would never make demands like the BB does and to be honest if he ever did start making demands he'd be gone.

TRIBPOT: LOVING your suggestions! - You've cheered me up no end on this cold snowy night.

ABEDELIA: You are writing about my H. Not sure where his head is at the mo. Is definately drinking too much - BB is a hardened drinker by all accounts. Everytime she kicks of H says 'she's probably been drinking'. An excuse? Think though, as someone mentioned previously, he feels he has given up so much, invested so much, in his 'new shiny relationship' he simply can't give up. He hopes its gonna get 'better'? A proud man? - I thought so once, now I just pity him. A stupid man.

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKEPLEASE: Thanks x

DOHA: Excellent - will be shortlisted

MORGANMINDY: Exactly my point. Have pointed this out to H so many times. What kind of person (who professes to 'care' for DC's) trys to limit the amount of time they see their Dad? H always has an excuse for her. He obviously sees a completely different person to the one everyone else does. I am glad you posted, sometimes I feel I am being unreasonable? But she's such a BB, and the things H tells me about her do not do her any favours at all. Why does he tell me these negatives then try to pursuade me to let them see her? Am a bit confused about it tbh. You would think he would be singing her praises - he NEVER does.

I think Doha has it, the She-Ra suggestion is right on. You are showing yourself to be that kind of woman - you kick arse, lady! And good for you.

If you want to have a change of thread title, don't worry if you don't. It's just great that you can choose for yourself about this.

My dad used to slate his W to us, for years.

Then, out of the blue, he says he's getting married....

I never got that. He said to me, why are you not happier, why are you shocked?

I replied that he made her out to be awful and then he's getting married... just didn't add up.

I wonder whether the talking about her negatives is some really stupid and ineffective way these men think we will feel sorry for them? Or perhaps in some stupid way so as not to hurt your feelings...

Solo, I advise you to not take to heart too much of what H says about her, it might not all be true.

Disengage from them both, don't get sucked in, be cold hard and clinical.