Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

He is being so stupid. Xx

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKESPLEASE; Thought that was a bit mean of me - he he but they're worth it!

You are seriously asking my advice if he asks to come back to live in the family home ?

It is unprintable

I am not ferocious, btw

I suggest you mark my words, though

ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE: Not advice, thoughts. I know, I know, am reverting to pathetic 'old' me, was doing so well too. Have not thought about whether I would still have him back for a while now, trying to look forward not back and so for now..... will continue to do so and cross that bridge (if) I ever come to it.

PS. Know you are not ferocious really! - rumbled you the other night remember?

PPs You're words are marked

DONTDISS: I know. Don't really want to think about if he wants to come back. Have just got my head round him NOT coming back and trying to move on. GOD why does my life have to be sooooo complicated?

you are not "reverting" to ask advice

perhaps I shouldn't have brought this to your attention, don't have any wish to set you back

a complete turnaround by him (just around Xmas time, think of the kidz blah blah) will rock you badly if you are not prepared for it

however, I think you are stronger than that x

So glad about the concert.. I hope she gets charged the full whack of cancellation fees!

Regards the relationship H has with his DC, sadly there is little YOU can do.

Just a thought, has H taken BB to meet his parents?

Just thinking if he hasn't, and your H is thinking that is too soon for them, can you not enlist PIL help? Tell them your fears about his failure to stand up for his DC and to tell him his future (i.e the kinds of experiences WE have had) and then then get him summonsed over there to his parents for an intervention.

He needs to be shaken physically into realising that unless his DC come first, there will be a fracture that will never be repaired, that his DC will suffer and it's entirely preventable.

Once this is explained to him, if he chooses to carry on being pussy whipped by BB, then tbh, there is nothing more you can do.

Ah yes, almost forgot. AF and beefy seem to hit on a very important and plausible upcoming scenario, that their relationship may implode. It may not. It may only be us all chomping at the bit for some extra piping hot schadenfreude.

I would say that tbh, the poor pathetic species of male that this H has become is now not going to be in a position to ever come back and be a respected partner. he will have to do some serious work on himself, and even with the best shrink/hypnotist in the world, I think it unlikely that solost will ever fully put this behind her.

The dynamic of this relationship will be forever altered by his actions. It is likely that he will have to be prepared to spend the rest of his days apologising and making up for this. A big ask.

IME, it's rare for anyone to want to live their life constantly trying to make up for their 'sins' as it were.

solost, even if this does implode, I'm thinking that some part of your head ought to consider that there still may not be a way back for your H.

You have come through so much and changed in this short time. You have been hurt by the person you thought would never do this. That's hard to over come.

I think, anyone correct me if I am mistaken, WWIFN has experience in putting lives back together after an affair. But we are way ahead of ourselves going into that at this stage.

LITTLEMISHOHOHOFIT: Gonna let them check in before I break the news of the cancellation. After all, they were coming to Xmas shop, nothing to do with the concert remember?!! Re: H taking BB to parents, apparently 2 months ago BB wanted to see his mum 'to give her side of the story' (would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation). His parents - don't want to know her. His father told him when he say him before he left that BB as far as he was concerned did not and would never exist. He never wanted anything to do with her. And knowing FIL, he meant every word and will NOT EVER go back on that. Have kept MIL & FIL completely up to speed on what their pathetic excuse of a son is upto - not to upset them but to 'keep them in the picture'. Sounds a bt vindictive - not meant that way but need them to know? He has only seen him mum twice since he left (he does email her from time to time) and I don't think he has seen his dad since the day after he told me about the affair. They are still, understandably devastated. You are right about him coming back, completely. The relationship would be altered and tbh I don't know whether I could forgive - the affair, I could probably, the aftermath probably not.

ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE: Wish you hadn't brought it up! Am now gonna erase from my mind and get back to building a new future for myself and DC's.

Still marking you words though

Sorry, love x

I'm glad it's not just me thinking this then...

My thoughts:

That all those years he never put a foot wrong...until he did put a foot wrong! Being an honest faithful partner shouldn't be some kind of constant striving to keep Doing It Right - he should have, quite naturally and without even thinking about it, stayed faithful. So what has happened isn't a 'slip' of said foot, and therefore measurable as only one bad spot in a long history of perfection (and is therefore negotiable away). Rather, him being capable of doing this means that he isn't the man you thought he was. He never will be. Taking him back wouldn't mean taking back the man you were married to - rather it would mean starting a new relationship with a being who you know is capable of lies, huge self-deceit, and putting himself above the needs of his own young children, to say nothing of his wife. Why would you want that new relationship?

Secondly - it's really telling that after only a relatively short period of time, you've adjusted to the new situation to the point at which you say you are happy not having him around...Tis a very good sign...

Thirdly - if BB were to get the heave-ho, the only obstacle to him becoming a (sadder, wiser) probably quite loving and caring co-parent would disappear. Your continued actual fairly close relationship would bode well for a good co-parent situation - without you having to take him back. You are right when you say getting back together might very well not now be the best thing for your children.

Finally - your last comment - your irritation at suddenly having to consider that he might want to come back when you've just got things a bit clearer - like he's messing with your plans - it says a lot! It's as if he's still somehow in the driving seat. He's not. If you're moving ahead nicely and feeling better about things - continue on that path! Trust your own judgement (you're certainly the only one whose judgement includes putting the kids first!)

Ooof what an essay! But hope it might be helpful

As much as you may wish AF didn't bring that up. She is - as ever - awesomely on the ball and right on the money.

IF this happens and he tries the come back and AF had never mentioned it, and it had never crossed your mind that it might happen, you would be wide open and vulnerable to it.

At least now, as foul an idea as you find it, if it ever happens, you will get a AF Flag* pinging up and a Aha.. told ya so. You will then have that one extra layer of protection against potentially crumbling and losing valuable negotiation space.

Oh, ho ho, Solo, I think I love you... Waiting till check in... you are CLASS woman!

Glad to hear the story about PIL, gives you a grade a nuclear weapon should he carry on with this bailing out on the DC and general spinelessness. I know what you mean, this spineless aftermath has mortally wounded his self respect IMHO.

My own GM, Dads mum died shortly after the affair was discovered. She was mortally ashamed of my dad and he knew it. He lied to her face and he knows that she wouldn't forget that.

*AF Flags, Banners and TShirts, Available NOW from www.AF.com, order now and get free shipping in time for Christmas. Pet clothing on request.

By the way, I keep thinking 'Bugs Bunny' when I see BB written down, though I know it's bunny boiler...

Poor ole Bugs. Foiled again. All hoteled up and no-one to irritate!

I think we need "Solost" pom-poms, actually

She is a bloody star, and we should be cheer-leading her

Give us an S ....

I have a shit day at work planned tomorrow, but this hotel and cancelled concert business is going to cheer me the fuck up !

I will have a little secret smile around lunchtime

THEBEEFYDWt: Thanks for the 'essay'. Really appreciate you taking time to write it all down for me. You are right about taking back a 'different' man to the one I married and that is what I am struggling with I think. And I don't know what, if anything he could do to change that. I know deep down somewhere is a man who could be a fantastic father - he was once, but will he ever be able to find that part of himself again. You know what I see when I see him now? a selfish individual, one who puts his own needs first. Maybe that was there all the time, maybe it took us to be apart for me to see that. But really that part of him is a part I really don't like - one bit.

LITTLEMISHOHOHOFIT: Thanks chuck, can always rely on AF for a reality check! You are right about MIL & FIL, she said to me the other day, 'if you had stood H and his bro together and asked which one of them was capable of this, you would have picked his bro everytime'. She seemed so sad about that. Its like H has destroyed her complete perception of him. She also told me this situation had made her a 'harder person' something she is not comfortable with. She was a really softy before. I think H never realise the far reaching impact of his actions. My mum (who considered him 'the son she never had') is completely devestated and will have nothing to do with him, to the extent that, she arranged a memorial service for my dad who died earlier this year - H wanted to attend and she would'nt let him. He paid his respects later, after everyone else had left. So much hurt, like a stone thrown into a pond the ripples get bigger and bigger. Sorry - trying to be poetic and failing - badly!

Sorry dont agree . Sounds like game playing and this is no game. Dont waste your time with petty revenge about cancelled hotel rooms etc but start thinking a lot lot bigger.

Solost my advice is to think Audrey Hepburn nothing less. Not for your h but you because you must be able to reflect back and feel calm and blemish free because otherwise you are just a BB Essex girl screaming in the street.

mwaahahha haha

not only was her desperate little ploy all in vain - what is she going to do next week when the concert is on again? book another coincidental shopping trip coincidentally staying in the same hotel?

I hope you play it all sweetness and light solost when you tell him the concert is cancelled and say "at least the hotel booking won't be a problem since you were going on a shopping trip anyway"

No doubt he'll get both barrels yet again because the Dark Forces have moved against her.. poor sausage.

hehe.

GE, I think Solost is allowed this one little play.

I would do it the way she is (the hotel thing) and I always am very strongly in the "don't react, don't engage" camp

I get you though

Solost - a friend of mine's husband did the dirty on her when their DS was only 2. So she divorced him quicksmart (she has the temper of the devil) but his affair fizzled out after about 8w, iirc. After about 6m, he started trying to edge back into their lives, going on holiday with my friend and DS for example (for the DS' sake, of course). Anyway, eventually they ended up back together - but 10y down the line they are Over. My friend doesn't tell me all the ins and outs, and I know that a large part of why they are over is because of his family (who are right bastards, unlike your lovely ILs) - but she never really got the love or the trust back.

Another friend of mine also told me that it's like having a favourite valuable ornament - one day it gets smashed, but you find that you are able to glue it back together. It's a painstaking and slow process, but it was valuable and meant a lot to you - but when it's done, you can still see the cracks. It isn't the same as it was before. ANd it's no longer as valuable because of the breakage. So - do you then decide to keep it, or chuck it out after all?

Your H has shown some deeply worrying characteristics in the last few weeks - including the willingness to put some random bint ahead of his own DC!! - are you sure you could ever trust him again if you were given the opportunity? He isn't the man you thought he was, after all. And he never will be again - you've seen the "dark side", if you like.

You are amazing - so strong! Love that the concert has been re-scheduled - no reason at all to let him know more than a couple of hours in advance, I agree - after all, the school might not have let you know until then either!

Your ILs sound like wonderful people - yet another friend of mine had a brother who did what your H has done - his family cut him off and kept the DIL as family, they were so angry with him.

In the end, I don't think you can exactly know how you're going to react if the opportunity arises, because all sorts of emotions will kick in that might muddy the waters - the only thing you can do is be prepared for it in advance by having a set of logical "fors" and "againsts" him coming back and referring to those.

Am still about the concert being postponed...

GE - Solost isn't going to cancel any hotel rooms. She just isn't going to give her H much advanced warning that the school concert has been postponed. Fair play, I feel.

I too am of the dignity above all else mindset. It's crucial to maintain sanity and the upper hand.

But Plot? Sure!, Scheme? why of course, but carry it out, praps not now. Save it for another day, and that day never comes, but IF it did you have it there. Aids confidence and gets you through some tough times.

This however is gift wrapped to Solo, and it's not a case of her actually doing anything.. rather the opposite.. Forgot, Woops.

One teensy weensy little play is not going to make her into some BB Banshee.

And a more deserving cause is hard to find than the BB.

there's no game playing at all in a simple text that reads "concert cancelled - enjoy your shopping trip!"

Struggling with the thought of taking, accepting the 'new man' that you know he now is - it sounds as if you are saying that you know you couldn't forgive him. I would hold onto that knowledge - because hard as this is for your children, seeing him return and then living through the marriage slowly disintegrating through bitterness and disappointment would be disastrous for them.

I couldn't forgive - I might desperately want to, to have things back the way they were - but I'd know that they never could be and that I'd never truly be happy with him again.

He could still end up a good father though. Maybe focusing on that as an aim might help if he does want to try again - that IS fixable, for all the right reasons. Your relationship - I would say not.

You sound as if you know you will be happier without him.

Think we are getting way ahead of ourselves here.

However Solo, if you maintain the it's over, there is no way back idea, then it is clear that you will have much needed protection, which will buy her enough time to make sure that the qualities that need to be in place are in place.

Solo, can't wait to hear back from you post concert is cancelled text... You'll be in my thoughts all day!