Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

SCAEDOFCOWS:Thanks for your comments. There will be loads of other parents there but am not bothered really, can hold my ground so to speak, am prepared. Concert may be cancelled anyway, still snowing here and most other school things this week already cancelled. Wont that be ironic?

SOLOST what lovely, lovely justice if it is cancelled and they have a nice big hotel bill to pay for nothing. It'll make her look more stupid than ever.

SCAREDOFCOWS: I know, I know, am almost hoping it is cancelled then rescheduled for next week. I wonder whether she is prepared to pay for 2 hotel stays?

Solost.

I have been following your thread and just wanted to say that from a outside pov it looks like you are doing so so well, in an outrageous situation.

I really wanted to echo what others say when they say you are better than the pair of them. The ex is showing himself to be weak spineless and rather pathetic, and BB as you call her is clearly got insecurity issues which border on the pathalogical. She will never ever take your place and she is mad to think she has a shot. Even in the most amicable of splits when the parents have uh SANE other halfs, the children have ONE mum, and that mum is you, a strong person who they can be proud of, and rely on.

She knows no matter how close she gets to your ex husband she will never be able to take what you shared in the good times, or the bond of your children. She's shitting it. She knows she can't compete, and really you don't have to with her. As you are doing, disengage and allow her the rope she will then use to hang herself with. It will drive her even more nuts to know she can't get to you, and she knows that feeling of 'power' she got from stealing another womans husband (really how SAD that a person is so weak deep down they can only feel powerful and in control of their lives by screwing with someone elses life) is not real, is fleeting and ultimately will not give her what she wants.

I'm very sorry this happened to you, but I truly believe you will find the happiness you deserve.

I also realise I am talking a lot about the BB here and of course echo what others have said about your ex husband. I guess in a way you have to ask yourself which of these two guys you think he is - the spineless shit who after a couple of months shagging a bunny boiler is prepared to compromise his integrity and relationship with his kids, not to mention his marriage vows, or the manipulative fucker who is playing (or was trying to since he is not playing you any longer), two women.

Not nice choices of course..but in both of them it is HIM not you that has done wrong here. You are doing a brilliant job and I wish you all the best and for you and the kids to have a peaceful and prosperous Xmas and New Year.

ELMTREE1EMS: Thank you so much for your comments. Was just going to bed and feeling a bit down and lonely (and cold!) your post has cheered me up no end! Wishing you too a peaceful and prosperous Xmas and New Year x PS. Think H is guy (a) - the spineless shit!

It will be unless he stands up for them now.

Forget you.... (in the best sense IYKWIM) he HAS to show the DC that he and Mummy, for whatever reason, did not work out.

You will find a new partner (my mum did) but a father can not be replaced. If he stuffs this up, they will just have a hole where their dad was meant to be.

Unless they are shown how to protect their self esteem and trust in men, they will make poor choices in partner and they will end up putting up with anything to NOT repeat the mistakes their parents made.

It's recently crossed my mind as to what kind of a person would I be, as a daughter of a mother having an affair with a married man. My dad's wife's kids seemingly welcomed him with open arms. I would have had to have said something to my mum if she was destroying another family when it had happened to her already...

Listen Solost. My own relationship is over, in tatters, I loathe him. I understand you are feeling alone, but I am sharing a house and a bed with someone who spent hours talking to my best friend's H telling him I was in a mental institution for 5 years, and he's been shagging some colleagues wife etc etc. It is ALL untrue, all of it. he did it, as far as I can see, to try to get her H to tell her to dump me as a friend.

Spare a thought, there IS worse than sleeping alone. sleeping next to someone you hate. I have another 6wks to put up with this, maybe less looks like he will go to his friends in London...

oops, interrupted myself... sorry!

Meant to say that OK so your relationship didn't work out, but that they are still number 1 in HIS life.

Driving her car, dragging her along to things, forcing contact, cancelling things at last minute because she has concocted some cockamamie reason is NOT going to show them they matter to him.

they will feel AS abandoned, more so than you do, and because he is their father, it will have deeper effects.

And yes, the shite I have put up with and the low level I pitched myself at was purely down to making a relationship work where my mother couldn't. See where that got me?

MissHoHo sleep well, you are ok you know x

cheers dontdiss! I know. thanks!

I didn't notice panic buying but this evening after DS' school was closed I picked upfrom Tesco 3L longlife milk and a couple of bags of bread flour.
I also filled up with diesel.

Does that constitute panic buying?

Ummm - think Trop might be on the wrong thread?

LMHF - your story is so :( but I am so glad that you are getting out of your situation. Good for you! Be strong and safe.

Oh, oops. Sorry >

I've been lurking here and just want to say, Solost, you are doing brilliantly.
LittleMissHoHoHo's story has made me think back to my own childhood - although my parents had already split before my dad met his next wife, she had a lot in common with the BB in your scenario I think. She didn't want to be 'new mummy' but she did successfully drive a massive wedge between him and his children (my brother and me).
I was a total daddy's girl until he met her, and we lived with him for a year or so when my mum was getting herself together, mental health-wise. He did a brilliant job in v tricky circumstances.
But then he met new wife, and she made no secret at all of the fact she didn't like us, didn't like the fact we existed. Stopped him seeing us a LOT, and he let her, and I've never forgiven him. Now they're divorced, and I see him a couple of times a year but don't want him as a big presence in my dcs' lives (not that he's particularly interested anyway). I don't feel anything for him, really. He's just an old man who comes to stay from time to time.

And you know what? My mum, in that scenario, fell completely apart (unlike you) then got herself together, met a lovely man, who she's still with over 30 years on, and has been the most wonderful parent ever since, much loved by all the family especially my dcs.
And as far as I can tell, that's the way it tends to go. Your H is throwing away so much.
(sorry! this is really long)

Thanks thumb, but it's all relative. I don't think it's that SAD per say, but I know it could be a lot happier IYKWIM.

MissClavel, how old were you when all this happened, I'm sensing young, a lot younger than we were.

We were 15 and 13. My Mum, who bless her, wasn't even 40, got (understandably) drunk one night. We came home from something to find her tipsy and a bottle of empty wine. Oh and she'd kicked through a canvas dad had bought, of a place in spain we'd never been, but OW and he had gone to for a weekend... (fair point)

Sis and I made a pact not to leave her on her own again, to keep an eye on her...

She never knew till years later, she was hardly at risk of going off the rails, but to us, getting drunk for her was so odd, she only did it the once..

I am sorry for you MissClavel, it must have been horrendous and scary for you, especially if you were younger. But it's all proof in your mums case that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I am so glad to hear that she is a better person because of it. My mum is too.

Solost, this will be hard, it will be painful, you will feel all the emotions in the book and then some. The main thing is to keep talking, keep thinking straight, and stick with it.

Never lose sight of normal, we are here to help with that! You have a fantastic internal compass and I can guarantee that you will get through this and will come out the other side a much stronger and richer person.

H will lose all respect, will never regain it and will always be looked at as a traitor on some level. His loss, his doing.

dammit, it's per se....

Just a minor point, everybody -- when a man looks after his own children it's not "babysitting." It's "fatherhood."

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT&MISSCLAVEL: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, I feel priviledged that you were prepared to do that for a stranger - seriously. I need to do EVERYTHING I can to avoid my DC's telling the same story in 20 years time, and I will. But H, and BB what can I do to influence that side? I suppose the only thing I can do is be strong and be there for the DC's whatever happens. Am so sad that this is turning out this way, thought H would always put DC's first, would have staked my life on it 4 months ago even but now?

TEAPOT13: Agree, agree, agree.

Have lurked here and am in awe of your bravery and capability, solost. Your children are lucky to have you indeed.

Sadly I can see why you fear that your H may gradually lose touch with your children. I hope not, and that your steady approach will help influence him to take his responsibilities more seriously and see what he risks losing.

However, from reading (almost!) all of this thread, I also see something else - that your H's new relationship is clearly gradually becoming rockier, and his happiness appears to be diminishing. Doubtless your growing strength and thus indifference to him is a part of this (hurrah!) but, but - I wouldn't be all that surprised if at some point not too far off there is an explosion between him and BB and that you find him asking you for another chance. Their relationship seems at best immature.

I am aware that I've not posted on this thread before and will stand corrected if the far more 'in tune' regular posters here disagree with this observation.

But - I just wanted to say - if that does happen - please don't take him back!

You're worth a thousand of him and your post show that you can and will be so much better off moving forward without a man like him as a partner. Good luck!

Argh! Your posts show.

THEBEEFYDWT: Thank you so much for your comments - I do appreciate them. I feel his relationship is rocky too, they seem to have nothing in common now apart from the drama that is what they have done.

Update for all: H phoned tonight, was supposed to be coming over to see DC's. Surprise, surprise he's not coming now. Mumbled something about not knowing how bad the roads were etc. Wants to see them tommorrow now before the concert, told him thats not convenient, they are not objects to be picked up and put down when it's convenient for him. He sounded odd, slurred speech, asked him if he'd been drinking, seemed a bit put out. Concert tommorrow has been cancelled - poetic justice or what, has been re-scheduled for next Friday! Wonder if she'll be so eager to book another hotel room? PS Haven't told them yet, as no official confirmation of cancellation! Will let them know around lunchtime - when it's too late to cancel hotel without losing their money!

Re: the concert - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And brill telling them late.

Wonder if he will ask to visit tomorrow, since he was seeing the children then - sweet to think of her sitting in a hotel room on her own, waiting and waiting and waiting....

Oh, the concert being cancelled has made my
day !!

Solost, I want to pick up on something beefy has started saying.

You have picked up on the fact that his reltionship with BB is on very rocky ground.

He is going to try and jump ship from that, back to you and the kids, some time in the next few moths (or even weeks), I would bet a large sum on it

I really recommend that you get it straight in your mind what your plan of action will be in that scenario

because you too are going to suffer from a bit of an anti-climax to all the drama

and when he, as he inevitably will, comes back to you with his tail between his legs saying he suffered from temporary madness etc you are going to be very vulnerable

just sayin'

AF is on the money. He is the father of your children and it is hard, very hard to decide what is right. Just do anything very slowly (yes, this means divorce as well as rebuilding some sort of co parenting relationship or indeed anything else). Oh and GO AND GET LEGAL ADVICE.

Your children are very lucky Solo. They have you.

Laughing a lot at the concert being re-scheduled Solo

Brilliant, especially loving the thought of you not texting until after midday tomorrow to let him know.

SCAREDOFCOWS: He' deffo gonna ask to see the DC's tommorrow - has already. Wanted to pop in before the concert, to see DS and littlest DD (who are staying with Nana) - too long and boring for them! Told him it wasn't convenient for him to pop in. But now it's cancelled, may let him spend the evening with them - the thought of her sitting in their hotel room ....... It's re'scheduled for next Friday I beleive, think she'll be so eager to book another room for then?

ANYFUCKERFORAMINCEPIE: Loving the name! - makes you sound less ermmm 'ferocious' Made my day too . Haven't really thought about him jumping ship. Sounded like shit on the phone tonight. Has been texting all day - have ignored again, started off jokey about the weather, ended up wingey - 'why arn't you answering my calls/texts?'. Replied 'all fine, we are busy'. God, really hoping he doesn't ask to come back atm. he's a mess, he admits it. Not sure what his mental state is either. Part of me does feel loyal to him, all those years he never put a foot wrong, would have done/did everything for us. But am really starting to enjoy being on my own, have definately moved on these last few weeks. Don't know, in answer to your question. Advice?

DONTDISS: Would do anything for the DC's, BUT, would it be the right thing to do. Have not thought about it for so long, have been trying to build my 'new life'. Know their relationship is shit, he doesnt seem happy at all and I suppose I knew all along that he would 'wake up to himself' one day - but am not sure he has yet. I'll tell you a story, was talking to MIL today and BIL got stuck at work yesterday, walked 8 miles home to be with his DS, took him 8 hours. H would have done that once, now he can't even be bothered to get into his warm dry car and drive 1 hr to see them - and that makes me v.sad.