Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

WWIFN: Excellent advice, as usual. Am sure you are right re: BB booking the hotel to force H to tell the DC's. When I first found out I told him that unless they cancelled he would not be welcome at the concert and kept that up til the weekend. However, DD would be disappointed if he Dad wasn't there and I really don't want to hurt the kids, I am better than that. Tbf though, BB originally told H that they were coming here on an Xmas shopping trip - apparently since I rumbled her, he has admitted there is now no shopping trip just a straight trip to the hotel with her waiting for H whilst the concert is finished and then waiting till 4pm on Saturday whilst his is with DC's again. H also told me she 'didn't realise' the hotel was next to the concert venue - complete coincidence! SHE admitted this was not true to me and H was taken aback by this. I have given my conditions to H - see previous post and have told him that if I see BB anywhere near the concert then I will tell DC's infront of them both and HE wont be seeing them for a while. Think that put the wind up him. He's used to the 'pathetic pushover me' and tbh. think that thought had'nt crossed his mind til then but could see from his face it's a strong possibility. Re: telling them before Friday, is not a possibility as H is stranded in snow and won't see DCs til the concert. Don't want to tell them alone, don't see why I should take all the responsibility tba.

LITTLEMISHOHOHOFIT: You are right, this is all to do with HER trying to FORCE ME to tell the DC's and I have told H and DC's that I will do this WHEN I FEEL THEY ARE READY. There will be no time before the concert, I am not prepared to do this alone but if she 'inflicts herself' on my family, then I will have no choice. First thing I thought of btw, cancel the hotel booking - would love to be a fly on the wall when they got to reception but regretfully.... can't lower myself to that level although would LOVE to!

HORSESANDCHICKENS: You are right, he is a truely changed man - not sure his is comfortable in his new skin though! Was planning a new 'hairstyle' on Saturday but daren't go to barbers without getting permission from BB - he took my son for a haircut so could have just had it done like he would have in his 'previous life'. Re: the text from MaccyD's - he won't have sent it to here, thats why he was there - apparently she never gets out of bed before 11.00am unless she has to work!!!! Drinks a fair bit as well. And this is the woman my H wants me to entrust with my DC's - NEVER! PS you do make sense!

YOUNGBLOWFISH: It is horrible, am just slowly cutting contact tbh. A part of me hopes H will gradually cut contact with us and let us get on with our lives. It's tough enough without all this drama. But have adopted WWIFN stance - detatch and state its your choice whenever any difficulties with decisions re: DCs arise. At first I was soooo scared that he would just up and leave and not see DC's - was in a bad, bad place back then. Hardly recognise myself today. Now I know that although i would prefer H to be involved in DC's lives I can use it as an ultimatum against his spinelessness and be not really bothered whether he turns up or not.

THUMBWITCH: Windowscreen wipers fixed by AA person! And ill DD2 rollerskating round the lounge singing 'magic moments' as I type, so emergency over - I think! Re: the encroachment, am sure you're right but I will fight this, I really will. Just had a txt from H, has decided will do Boxing Day, just won't tell BB for a couple of weeks. Have not replied - will line up M&FIL as back up.

WWIFN&AGYG: Thanks for your support, glad you think I did the right thing.

EMMYLOULOU: Thanks, I know you're right but need H to be here to tell DC's. And part of me feels like BB is forcing the pace here and I don't want that.

MORGANMINDY: Thanks for your comments. I will do as you suggested. See my previous post re Boxing Day arrangement, feel I have to put an alternative arrangement in place in case BB/H lets me down. Really sad that, he was always a person you could rely on 100%. Not any more - obviously.

Solost - you are growing in strength all the time, it's lovely to see, even if it's sad that you are having to.

I just want to re-state this bit by WWIFN - somethign I wasn't aware of, I have to say:
Get some proper legal advice because soon, you will have lost the chance to sue for adultery in a divorce (6 months is the time limit) and you need to get your financial affairs more formalised than the bit of signed paper.

If you haven't already booked to see the solicitor, you MUST DO SO. Otherwise you could be left in a position where you have to wait for 2years to sign off on a divorce.
Starting proceedings does not mean that you have to go through with them - but you have to at the very least get the advice. This does NOT mean that you will be immediately forced into filing for divorce, far from it - but you HAVE TO KNOW your options.

Sorry for shouting - it is very important that you get this sorted asap, despite your feelings about it, because lost chances may be sorely regretted. I believe, from friends' experience, that if you sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery, your H is liable for your solicitor costs as well as his own. If you go the 2y wait, no blame attached route, I think you have to pay your own solicitor fees - perhaps someone else can clarify that?

Solost, is the concert open to the public or is it ticket only, or at the school? if admission is limited, you might want to consider talking to DDs teacher to explain the situation be forehand , and explain that you fear ow will cause a scene to distress DD. you might also want the school to formally note that ow is not to collect them. please excuse awful typing, am on phone.

Yes it's 6mnths for that and UB, 6 months from the incident after that you are "deemed" to have accepted it and it's a 2 yr wait for divorce. Handy for him and her all thee stalling tactics as things just seem to be drifting along.

You do need legal advice as that paper doc is worth nothing in the capacity it was signed, (no witnesses, no legal person present) he knows this and will go back on those promises.

He is stalling, if you still only do one thing before Christmas get formal and see a solicitor, I think otherwise you will regret it and learn a hard lesson. Don't let it happen please.

Also it may be good for you to have formal acccess laid out.

Oh and re the school, they can stop the OW coming and stop her picking DC'S up if he allows it......they can't stop your DH turning up and picking them up with her in tow unless there is a court order, again if this looks like it is going to become a probability, solicitor asap.

Seconded - get legal advice. You do not have to act upon it. Just get it.

THUMBPLUMBPUDDINGWITCH & EMMYLOULOU: Loving the new name btw!! The thing is..... BB is constantly pushing for H to divorce, she researched - incorrectly BEFORE he even told me he was leaving - I have since found out. Told him r: signing the paper to build in conditions ie. make her agree to divorce a.s.a.p. Therefore I am in no hurry tbh, in fact am gonna make them wait as long as possible, think it's 5 years if there's no agreement. Will still check this out at the solicitors though.

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: You are right, am tempted to print out your post and show it to him next time he's round. But you know HE JUST CAN'T SEE IT! - its so f* frustrating. This man, who 12 months ago would do ANYTHING for his kids, would spend every waking minute with them and now.......? He's some spineless dick who can't even see what's happened to his life, that he's being controlled in such a way, that BB is trying to manipulate every situation. But why am I bothered? Gonna leave em to it. Will state my conditions at every event/visit and make him stick to them or use the 'its your choice' line and leave him to it. To be honest, they really do deserve each other don't they?

INERTIA: The concert is ticket only. Theres no way she can get it, however that doesn't stop her hanging around outside does it? H has dropped hints that he's worried about her drinking atm, apparently whats going on over here is putting HER under pressure!!!! So with a few hours to kill hanging around waiting for the concert to finish.... not sure whether she'll turn up pissed and introduce herself. Probably wont happen but will be prepared for it!

DONTDISS/EMMIELOULOU: Re: divorce, see above post, am of a mind to drag this one out the full 5 years tbh. For some reason (not sure what atm) BB is DESPERATE for H to get a divorce asap? Makes no odds to me, as long as he fulfills his financial obligations am gonna make him/her wait!! Apparently she was gutted when she realised he may have to wait 5 years not the 2 she had envisaged. She kept going on and on about this during our 'little chat' last week. But will seek legal advice regardless. As you said, there's no harm in being prepared.

Glad to hear that. Knowledge is power and all that. X

Fair enough re divorce - and I don't blame you in some ways! - glad you're going to get the advice, it will help you decide what is best to do with all the info at your fingertips.

(name is a bit long now but I like it! Please don't change yours on this thread though - I have the facility switched on where all the OP's posts are highlighted and if you namechange, they won't be so I won't be able to pick your posts out so easily! [utterly selfish emoticon])

Solost, I have every confidence that in 5 years time you will be so independent and strong that having the deadweight of ex in your life will be a huge inconvenience ! What happens if you end up wanting to forge ahead with exciting plans and life changes, but can't because you are legally bound to this spineless loser ?

If you see a solicitor you can clarify exactly how the divorce would best work for you. Take what bb wants out of the equation, don't even consider that she has an opinion , ignore all she says about it - just do what works for you and the children . Remember, she means nothing to you and is not even worthy of your contempt.

In your shoes the divorce arrangements that suited me best would be the ones that suited them least...

I don't think the OW is booking the hotel next to the concert because she wants to use that particular opportunity to introduce herself to the kids. There's no way in hell she'd want solost there as her ability to bullshit and rewrite history would be severely limited.

What all of her shenanigans shout very loudly is her absolute terror that solost's H will "cheat" on her or even return home. So he has to drive her car because she can demand he brings it back if he attempts to stay away too long, she stays in a hotel so he can't make up some excuse and stay away overnight, she organises things to coincide with his visits home so he has to leave early - these are all pathetic attempts to stop him from sleeping with solost. BB is like some desperate wife using every trick she can think of in clinging to her errant husband. It is very, very ironic and not a little smug-inducing. You have to wonder why she feels so terribly insecure given they are supposed to be so very deeply in love...

Just be VERY careful, that paper means nothing it's worthless, you currently have nothing set legally for you and the kids.

I can see why you want to make them wait it's part if the game, not detaching but doing so without a formal financial agreement and dcs is asking for trouble.

You pull the plug on "her" divorce, she'll pull the plug on your and your dcs financial stability so do be careful and I really hope you do see that solicitor even if it's just to be prepared.

Screwed up the pair of them.

I have been trying to catch up on here for at least an hour now since I got back with my DCs today but it's moving too fast

Solost - My H became involved with the OW about 20 months ago. We separated in October 2009 but he wasn't finally honest that the affair had never ended until March 2010. So technically they've been together a while but as she lives in Manchester and he lives in Herts they see each other twice a month or something at the moment, as she's 21 and just finishing her degree. They plan to move in together next Summer so I expect she'll probably start doing similar things to your situation Solost as she's already pressuring H to see DCs less and if he does see them, to see them elsewhere without me present etc. However hopefully my H will have the balls to not be a push over once they move in together, he's already been firm but it's not the same as when you're with someone more often.

This situation is a nightmare. You're getting great advice from everyone and agree with a lot of it.

I would also strongly suggest you see a solcitor, sod making her wait 5 years. What you want is the strongest case in a divorce and the best deal for you and DCs. So that needs to be your priority not getting one up on her or him iyswim? I know I'm not couching this in great language but hopefully it vaguely makes sense as I need to rush off and make dinner for the DCs. But you need to protect yourself and DCs, find out where you stand exactly legally and then decide. Take advantage of the first free session with a solicitor.

Funnily enough my H has been ordered by the judge to pay my fees. We have divorced under adultery, although it had been going on a long time, when it came to light. However I didn't name her on the petition or get her involved as my H admitted to it and just signed the petition. So it's been fairly straight forward for me. But I know for you, you need really good legal advice here as I think this is the tip of the iceburg with her Please see someone, I'll try and keep up on here but I suspect I won't be able to but you can pm me if you wish or come and join the recently ditched thread in due course, as there's lots of great women on there in similar situations to you and me and great support.

You sound like you're getting stronger and stronger and I think it's great you detached so brilliantly on the phone earlier and that H is now back tracking it appears about Boxing day

I wouldn't really cancel the hotel reservation, but I'd fantasise about it...

Could send a fruit basket to H to thank him for coming to the concert and his tireless support???

Just ignore me, I plot evil scenarios and never go through with them as a hobby...

get the legal advice, please, you need to protect yourself and the DC.

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Think you and I have things in common, first thing I thought of is cancelling the reservation. Would send fruit basket but don't want to pay out of my own pocket - maybe put it on HIS credit card. Never considered what I do as a 'hobby'. Will sort the legal stuff - as soon as I can dig my way out! and get the DC's back to school!

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKEPLEASE: Thanks for the advice, am sure you H will be able to stand up to the OW - surely they all can't be as spineless as mine! Although when they move in together the OW's influence seems to become so much stronger. Although H has been texting all day re: DC's, weather etc. must be bored stuck with BB in their pokey flat. Ignored most of them, then sent a jovial one back, 'sorry for not replying have been out sledging/playing with DC's hope you are having much fun in the snow'. Will seek legal advice. PS. How do I pm? you?

EMMYLOULOU: I await her next move. Am definately getting legal advice. But am going to be prepared!

MSBOOGIE: Glad you agree re: divorce. She is like a desparate wife isn't she and only 4 months in - very ironic. Made me smile! Will mention it to H next time we communicate!

INERTIA: Thanks for your support. Am going to sort a solicitor, and will find out what will work best for us and consider all options but am in no rush to divorce atm - let em wait!

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: Your new name is playing havoc with my typing skills. Glad you agree - will find out eventually no doubt what her hurry for H to divorce is. Maybe she's got a church booked for 2012?

DONTDISS: Agree, thanks x

Solost, bless you!

your comment to Teaandchristmascake is good, but don't bank on it.

My dad left for the other woman well over 20 years ago, but he caved when it came to us. Still does tbh.

The way she is behaving is bound to come to some kind of a head at some point, I dare say that this relationship looks on dodgy ground.

I say don't panic, stay calm, I don't think she'll be around that long. And even if she does, she needs to be utterly marginalised, because she is so erratic. You hold the power Solost. Remember that. It might not feel as if you do, but you actually do.

BB certainly believes that solost holds all the power, as evidenced by her actions and desperate ploys to grab some of it for herself.

I am also a plotter of evil scenarios.

I do wonder though, what she makes of him texting you all the time, or does he manage to keep it secret?

MSBOOGIE: Am not sure about the texting. He told me he has had 'a talk' with her and told her that if I want to text H or vice versa it is our business - he will decide whether to delete them or reply. Think he will go out of the room to do this though. Maybe he spends a lot of time on the loo?!!

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Sorry to hear about your dad, how do you feel about him now as an adult. My H thinks that once the DC's see how happy he is in his 'new relationship' they will 'be happy for him' we/they will all be one big happy family? - deluded or what? Am beginning to realise I am in control. Think I am the only sane one involved tbh! And WWIFN was right, the more detatched I become, the more in control I feel. She is very insecure, don't really know what he see's in her - still they say love is blind!

Click on "message poster" to the right of their name in the blue row.

Yes my H doesn't currently tell the OW how often he see's the DCs where possible and also never texts me when he is with her or replies at strange times, when she's clearly not about. So littlemiss maybe onto something there...

Hmmm, I think the fact BB sent a 'stop texting us!' message means she's fully aware that your H is constantly trying to contact you. It's probably making her very tense.

Similarly, your H's unnecessary confiding in you that BB might lurk outside the concert, possibly get drunk and behave outrageously, and reveal herself to your children, will keep your anxiety levels raised.

Still think he's keen to keep you both on your toes.

I think he is a sorry excuse for a man, husband, father and boyfriend. I don't think he knows what he wants at the moment so is trying to get a quiet life at both ends.

The children are the important thing, tell them as soon as you can and ensure they will be protected by the law.

Your situation beggars belief, hope it goes ok at the concert. Will there be lots of other parents there with you, and are they aware of the circumstances? If so, I'm sure they will 'shield' you and your children if she should appear, say outside at the end. That would also look, I would think, quite intimidating to BB, should she be around to see.

As someone else said, their relationship sounds to be on fragile ground to say the least.

Great to hear you sounding so much stronger.

Solost... cackles like a loon.... a hollow, bitter cackle.

Oh yeah a woman who wouldn't let him see us, he used to lie to her. A woman who engineered a falling out and we were banned from her home, I think about 1995...perhaps 1998, can't really recall, but you get the picture.

Prior to that she cancelled christmas when her daughter took an overdose of paracetamol.

We met Dad in a Little Chef IIRC.

When I nearly succumbed to depression and ended up in hospital, and Dad came up to see me, she told him off for "wasting the day".

she would hide letters, cards and notes we sent him, then tell him we didn't care for him cos we hadn't sent him a Fathers Day Card. The time she trashed the flat abroad and blamed my sister, so we would never ever be able to use it again. Shame she knows jack shit about Spanish inheritance laws. I'll tap him for a use of it next summer, me and my boy.

I had the opportunity to see her last year, Dad said he'd try and talk her round. Seeing as my sister and her baby was over in the country.... Never mind Me and my DS (5) also recently arrived from abroad and the only christmas spent in the UK since he was born. I hit the ROOF! Now at 40odd I KNOW what that pair did. I guess I will never, ever be invited back again.

Oh yeah, if I thought he was happy.... It'd make me happy? Yeah right.

If he were not my blood relation, I really wouldn't bother.

Good thing that came out of all this was that I was a daddy's girl, and barely bothered with my mum. Had he stayed that would never have been challenged. My mum is one of my real best friends, I genuinely love her company. That would never have come to be if Dad was still at home. My mum is a much better person for it all.

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: So sorry you had to experience that, hope thats not a sign of things to come for my DC's. I would show your post to H if I thought it WOULD make any difference, but Im sure it would'nt penetrate his 'bubble'. He genuinely feels that the DC's are going to be sooooo happy that he's buggered off and prefers to live with someone else rather than with them and because HE's sooooo happy that somehow they are going to be too! Glad you got some positives out of it, DC's and I have always been close and H works away and I did everything for them even before he left.