Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Well, who knows whether she would get pregnant but what she might do is conspire to "accidentally" meet the children when they are with him thereby forcing the fact of her existence upon them, even if only as "daddy's new friend". Most 11 year olds would see right through that one.

oh definitely, msboogie - she will engineer an "accidental" meeting for sure. Another good reason to crack on and tell the DC asap.

OK the BB aside, the spineless twunt aside, one thing is ocurring to me.

If this were a normal relationship, ie that the OP and her H split previously, no-one else involved etc... HOW long a period would we suggest that the new relationship(s) need to go for before we introduce new partners to them....

WAY MORE THAN 5m.....

Solost, You have to hold your head up, draw yourself up to your full height and explain this to H, that it is too soon for the DC to be introduced to the BB, that he can't possibly be sure of a relationship so soon, it could all implode tomorrow and explain your rationale.

Course if it happens to sew some seeds of doubt in his head that the relationship may not last.....

I disagree with the text replies, it lowers Solost to the BB level. Don't engage with her, don't give her the satisfaction of her knowing you are riled. Change your number if she texts you again. Keep doing so every time she does and tell your DH to buy a muzzle if she really won't stop. Look into legal solutions as a last resort. Likewise if she conspires to engineer a meeting, go legal. No emotion, no anger, but cold hard legal.

Dignity first and foremost, imagine you are going to have to report every word to the DC.. what would they think if you rant and rave at their daddy? I recall my mum calling my dad a bastard once, it hurt, even though I hated him for leaving...

BB is such a ffing flake that she will be her own undoing, but you Solost have to be the picture of calm, of cool and of general bemusement at her shenanigans.

Simple, to the point and consistent.

" all access to the DC will be organised strictly between you and me, DH"

"She's your problem, you have to make it work, explain it to her, I'm not going to be involved, nor in contact with her, She is nothing to me, I can live my life without her"

the odd 'Do you really have to bend, scrape and ask permission to see your own DC???' Incredulous, Anyone who stated Me or the DC, wouldn't touch the floor on their way out the door.....

LMHF - great post.
I particularly love the irony of this bit:
"tell your DH to buy a muzzle if she really won't stop" - while I would love Solost to say this, it kind of is stooping to the BB's level a bit, isn't it?

I think legal can be quite hard going, in terms of keeping the OW away from the DC, can't it? I remember a friend of mine wanting it legally framed that her H could not introduce their DS to his OW but she had trouble with it; possibly it was only for the first few months but then she would have to acquiesce to reasonable requests - mind you, that was 10 years ago so it might have changed now.

Ach, no she ought not to.. but everyone is allowed a leetle slip... so it may as well be a short sharp one with a hand slapped to the mouth and a woops....

Legal is a killer, but I'm only saying do it if it becomes a total BB situation and I'm thinking that the H has a good enough relationship with the OP to perhaps weather it.. but I don't think it'll get to that.

If Solost gets H to understand that regardless of feelings, meeting up at this early stage is not appropriate, that it may not last then to be sensible and hold off introductions.

Of course I am a cow, I'd be inclined to chuck in a 'Well of course if this love is true love and meant to be, happily ever after till death do you part and all that, then what is a year out of the rest of your happy lives...'

If Solost gets DH to agree to this, it'll be better all round and BB will have to make herself comfortable in the ffing sidelines.

I don't think there is any legal recourse in terms of preventing the OW from meeting the children. Legally both parents have the right to decide who they introduce to their children and that's as it should be (in the hope that they will do what is right for the children and wait until they are sure of the relationship etc)

However if what the H says about the OW is anything approaching the truth then solost would be rightly concerned at her meeting the children at this point. She is quite clearly self centred to the point of being unhinged. I know he is the bad guy here but some of the OW's behaviour speaks for itself. In solost's shoes I would be pulling out all the stops to prevent it.

OK , mabey texing her back isnt such a good idea ,& you want to go legal route .

Why dont you sue her for "alienation of affection" . Its widespread knowledge that she is "with" your dh .
Use it and wipe the smug grin off her face when she realises that her actions and harrasment of you will bite her in the arse .

That idilic life she imagines of her and your dh having an idilic life in that 4 bed house wont happen if you get a big chunk of her money , as well as maintinence from dh .

Plus you will publicly humiliate her by doing so (because she lied about what she & dh did )

It will be written down in court that she and your dh commited adultery.

repuatation ? yeah she`ll get one.

Ladies did you see her post just after 10pm half way down:

"By the way need to ask your advice on something. H and BB coming 'xmas shopping' to home town this week, 'coincidently' the same day a DD's carol concert. BB has booked them into hotel next door to concert venue - complete coincidence apparently. But when we had out conversation last week it turned out it was'nt a coincidence at all. Told H he could'nt come to concert - bit of a knee jerk reaction, have relented on this as DD is expecting him there, however am worried BB may put in an appearence even though I have warned H that I will not appreciate her leaping out at us from the shadows so to speak. How do I handle this?"

So she may well engineer meeting the kids. I wasn't sure if you'd all seen this when you were commenting last night. Or maybe in my sleep deprived state with 2 toddlers I'm being slightly daft.

As an aside my H still hasn't introduced OW to our children and I've asked him not to unless they're moving in together and it's very serious. As I do not want them getting attached to someone, to then have them disappear again among many reasons. So far he's respected my wishes.

Yes, had seen it, but it had been mentioned a looong way back as well, with respect to the OW engineering a meeting, I seem to remember. That's why I said Solost has to say something to the DC asap.

Apart from that, I don't see how else she can handle it - short of sending her H to remove the OW from the building (as a non-parent and therefore shouldn't be there), I don't know what else could be done without a massive 'scene' ensuing.:(

Yes I do find her behaviour a little unhinged to say the least

I've had trouble keeping up with this thread at times as a lone parent with 2 toddlers. But I am thinking of you Soloist and checking in when I can.

I did say a few days ago that there is no rush telling the DCs for the time being, but I agree with everyone that if there is a chance (on form so far a likelihood) that she will force herself on their notice, it would be best that it didn't come as a total shock. It should be absolutely agreed between the two of you beforehand how it is to be done, and done exactly as agreed, no sideswipes or dirty tricks. Not only will it be easier on the DCs, it will entrench you on the moral high ground. Thus when BB inevitably accuses you of twisting things to make them hate her he will know it's rubbish. Not, of course, that it matters what he knows; you don't need him to defend you to her, as you haven't done anything wrong, and what she feels about you is irrelevant. You don't have to live with her, thank God. But you and your children will know that you have behaved decently throughout, and that's what matters.

Am most entertained that not only does she not trust her shiny new toy man, she seems to trust his wife more, ie she will take your word for it over his that he is really going to babysit rather than... well, whatever. Alternatively perhaps she thinks that by saying he has to have text proof after telling you not to text, she has somehow stopped him being able to babysit, in which case "barking" is hardly the word... I could actually feel a bit sorry for a grown woman who's that delusional, and rather disgusted by a man who could exploit her mental/emotional vulnerability.

ps Dignity throughout, of course, and it's important not to attack BB verbally for the reasons already mentioned; but if, next time H tells you about one of her totally ludicrous stunts, you felt an uncontrollable urge to laugh your head off, I can't help thinking it would be no bad thing if you gave in to it. Then you wipe your eyes and use one of the "your choice" or "I don't need to hear about it" lines. Laughter is not only the best medicine, it can be a cruel weapon - and you didn't say anything anyone can blame you for.

Solost If you aren't going to tell your DCs before that concert, I think it might be worth telling him that you are reluctantly trusting him not to permit a sudden appearance by the OW, but that if that happens, you will hold him entirely responsible and will then fight dirty. You don't have to say what that means in practice, but I've got a horrible feeling that they are both cooking up an "accidental" meeting at that concert.

They know you won't make a scene and embarrass your DD or her siblings and it is just the sort of twisted game that they clearly thrive on and enjoy, feeling that they have got one over on you. He of course, will be entirely complicit in this, or he would have ensured that the hotel got unbooked and he spent the entire day with the DCs on his own, prior to the concert.

Your other option is to ask him to stay away from the concert, but if you do that now, I think they will dig their heels in and still make an appearance at some stage.

Bottom line is that I think you need to do two things as a matter of some urgency.

Get some proper legal advice because soon, you will have lost the chance to sue for adultery in a divorce (6 months is the time limit) and you need to get your financial affairs more formalised than the bit of signed paper. Knowing your rights will also help your bargaining power with what I think will be increasing demands coming your way.

Secondly, I honestly think you should talk to your DCs before that concert. I just couldn't trust your H not to put his game-playing and his OW before the welfare of his DCs. I would follow the advice of others and state the facts in neutral terms, along the lines of Dad met someone else he preferred, but he loves you all still. That this relationship is very young and therefore it would not be appropriate to meet his girlfriend yet.

You can be honest with them and say it has made you very sad and you didn't tell them before, because you thought that it might be a crush that burnt itself out, but that you have realised now that they deserve to be told the truth and in any case, he has hurt you too much to try again, even if he wanted to.

Don't under-estimate the children knowing at some level that all is not as it seems. I think they will be unsurprised and relieved that whatever is being kept from them is now out in the open.

It could be that your DD on hearing this asks him not to attend the concert.

I don't think this threat of the OW potentially staging a 'bump into' moment should force OP to tell her DC if she is not comfortable to do so.

It's too short notice now, IMHO, that window has passed. It'll be like, Here kids, this is the end of the world as you know it, Dad's met someone else, and before their inevitable tears have dried..... and HERE SHE IS, come on now, say hello to your new mummy...

This woman is trying to drive this whole relationship. She has taken the H and is trying to take on the DC too, she has form. The BB wants the DC told cos then she thinks there will be no way back, for her and for him, it'll cement her relationship with him.

I'd personally cancel the BB reservation at the hotel...

I'd sit H down and say that this is not the time to tell them this is not the time to introduce BB, and that unless he is 100% convinced she will not try anything, and NOT attend the concert, in any way shape or form, then perhaps he needs to cancel coming. The DC come first.

BB is trying to take the reins, we need to help OP get the reins back. She has her DC to consider, the BB has only her pussy.

But I do concede that I may have to bow to WWIFN's greater knowledge on this front...

LMHF I've never been in this situation myself and therefore I honestly don't have any greater knowledge. I'm also wondering if you're right and BB and the H have booked this hotel precisely because they think it will force a revelation from Solost about their relationship

In which case, my first paragraph and your advice concur - the H should be left in no doubt that if the OW appears at any point in front of the DCs, Solost will hold him personally responsible and that there will be consequences. Solost can be as enigmatic and as dark as she likes about how sinister those consequences will be. This idiot of a man needs to be frightened.

I also entirely agree with Annie that contemptuous laughter will be both therapeutic for you Solost and will have a devastating effect on a pompous man who takes himself far too seriously. I bet if there is one thing guaranteed to provoke rage in him, it is being laughed at. Bring it on, then.

This is a really difficult situation. Can it really be helped, though, by the OP cancelling their reservation at the hotel ?

The H and BB clearly need drama - they are after a confrontation. Advice which follows along the lines of 'Well, if she wants war, she will have war!' or the suggestion of suing her (?????) will suit their game plan perfectly and give them ammunition for further confrontation. Agonising over details of their interactions or plotting ways of stopping BB from seeing the kids, tempting as it may be, just uses up mental energy and is counterproductive.

Unfortunately, the OP will have to contend with the BB being introduced to her children at some point. Her H is unlikely to be able to handle it in a mature way and act responsibly and BB has her own agenda. IMO, The only way the OP can take control in this situation is through preparing her kids and herself for the inevitable. I know that I would prefer that from being surprised by them in a public space where they would either be able to force me to go along with their plan or create a massive scene and therefore more drama.

Hopefully, the BB won't turn up. But I think it would be wise to prepare for the worst. What a horrible, horrible situation to be faced with. I really feel for you, Solost.

Hey Solost - glad your hanging in there.

One of the other threads in relationships made me think of you situation. Not good at links, but I think it's called 'can a marriage survive after an affair'.

Anyway WWIFN ( i think) said that the person who has the affair usually adopts a role - like romantic hero etc etc.

Another poster on that thread said she saw this in her DH when he had an affair. She knew her husband so well that she knew this 'role' he had adopted was not sustainable. The OW who was in 'love' with the adopted role - she didn't know the real DH.

I think there is probably a lot of echo here with your situation. You say that you barely recognise your DH, and that he wears didfferent clothes etc etc.

He is probably in a role - and that will not be sastainable, but by you having lots of contact ( and thats even the jokey texts of the permission required etc) you are allowing him the outlet he needs. So he can than try again at his new role. So you are never fully adopting him to take on his new 'boyfriend' role with BB. I think once he has only this role to live and operate in - it will spell the demise of their relationship.

Does this make sense - I think I'm confusing myself !!

Also - see the text he sent you early in the morning from McD's. I would guarantee he sent that to both of you. Which in itself shows you how much he still thinks and (needs) you in his life. Cut off the oxygen !!!

Hi all, thanks for all your comments. Am posting quickly due to middle DD havint been sent home from school after being sick! Other two DC's just been sent home due to snow, windowscreen wipers packed in on car! And a raging blizzard outside! Just to let you know I appreciate your advice, will comment individually later! However H just phoned to check no DD and, he was due to look after kidz on boxing day (due to me having to work), no problem, he told me. Apparently now there is a problem, BB's arranged some family do, grannies and all that and it'll all be over by three (the time coincidently that his services are no longer required here). He is now having to re-consider. Used WWIFN's line, said sweetly, its completely your choice, though I thought childcare arrangements were between you and I. However, if you are unable to fulfil your commitment I will have to ask your mum and dad and let them know that I am asking because you have let me down because BB won't let you look after your own kidz. Did I do the right thing? He muttered about having to 'share his time' and having 'commitments over there' said to him, nothing to do with me, its your choice wether you want to look after them or not.

Good stuff, well done solost! Yes, he has to start to feel the pinch - making the hard choices and deciding where his priorities lie - and knowing that by not prioritising his DC he looks like a complete and utter git to his entire family.

Although, tbf, the DC might prefer to spend the day with their grandparents!

I do feel for you, you are in the worst of positions, but you must take the bull by the horns and tell them something of what is going on - just in case this blasted OW intrudes on the concert. Your H is no bloody use whatsoever and cannot be relied on to do the right thing - he is making that more and more apparent with every passing day and every new thing that crops up.

This is only the start, by the way - there will be more encroaching by her on his time with the DC, so that it becomes almost impossible for him to see them without her - forcing his and your hand. He is utterly spineless where she is concerned, despite his reassurances to you that things to do with the DC will be between the 2 of you - he has already reneged on that once, he'll do it again and again.

So sorry to hear your middle DD is not well, btw - hope she feels better soon. And flipping typical re. the windscreen wipers!

You did brilliantly Solost. Bravo!! Become like an irritating scratched record, punctuated only by contemptuous giggles.

Excellent reply, Solost. His loss is his parents' gain. Hope BB's grannies don't give him a hard time eh?

TBH, I think you are doing well, but you need to get proper legal advice and tell the children IMO, start filing for divorce. Just my opinion!

It may not be then end if you don't want it to be, but you need to protect yourself. That paper will mean nothing, I expect he knows that. You and the children will go through more and more hurt. They need to know the truth and WHY their Father is letting them down. He is chosing her over them. Although not in that manner and age appropriate, they need to know why thier Dad is letting them down, so they know it's no reflection on them ifywim?

He is at the stage now where he is going to make more and more incidents like this, and the "threat" of going to his parents or going to a babysitter will hold ground for all of two minuets, he will get to the stage where he just won't care.

Hs whole life will be about what BB want's and he will withdraw even more from the kids lives, even if she meets them.

I've been lurking on this thread and think you have been doing an amazing job Solost.

The advice you have been given on here has been excellent and I can't really add much. The only thing I wanted to say was to always have a back up plan for times when you need childcare even if your H has offered to have them. My X used to let me down at the last minute all the time despite telling me that he would always 'babysit' whenever he got the chance. He would always wait until the last hour before I was going out to tell me that he couldn't do it (control issues so different to your situation but it sounds like the BB could try similar tactics). After being let down a few times I just made sure there was someone on 'standby'. Either that or I just didn't bother asking him at all.

Oh, and I also read your name as Soloist at first. I was wondering if it may be time for you to find yourself a new nickname as you've come such a long way since your OP...

DROVES: You are right, she does want my life, H has recognised this and has actually told me. Can't be bothered to go the right way about it. Just take someone elses H and part time DC's as well. None of the shitty bits to just nice ones, getting to take them out on a weekend, whilst mummy just gets to do the menial stuff, washing, ironing, seeing to them when they sick etc. Makes my blood boil actually.

MSBOOGIE: Would surprise me if she did fall pregnant, except for the fact H has hinted vaguely that things arn't 'all that great' in that department. Uuurghh, too much info. Told him at the time that if I had left HIM and DC's for someone would expect a good seeing to at least once a day and the earth to move every time!

THUMBWITCH: Feel an accidental meeting will be on the cards. TBH when I found out about the hotel I did tell him he could forget about the concert. But in the end he had me over a barrel as I didn't want to disappoint DD who is expecting he dad to be there. When I relented - still not sure whether am doing the right thing but time will tell, told him he could come on two conditions. 1. BB was to stay away, didnt want to bump into her. 2. They come in HIS car - she has this thing about sending him in her car - the kidz questioned it and I was too weak and pathetic to put my foot down to start with but do now! As he is seeing them Saturday will not have them being ferried around in it.

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Excellent advice, gonna memorize some of the lines you used, to be re-used at a later date. I have pointed this out to H btw, the fact that they are 4 months in, told him NO WAY would I be introducing a new person to DC's and he agreed it was too soon. Unfortunately as soon as he gets back there, all common sense seems to fly out the window. Too right she's gonna have to make herself comfortable in the 'sidelines' the more I hear the less I want BB to ANYTHING to do with my DC's. I will do everything in my power to prevent them meeting her. Fact is, when the know the truth, will they even want to? And I wont force them to meet someone they don't want to. H can see them whenever he wants, but she is nothing to do with them and certainly not a role-model I would want them to be around.

TEAANDCHRISTMASCAKEPLEASE: How long has your (ex)H and OW been together? I will my H was more respectful of my feeling re: this. He keeps agreeing that its too soon then as soon he gets back there, its all out the window and he starts banging on about it again. But, its never about the DC's, do also keep pointing this out to him but its all about HER feeling left out, HER feeling its not a 'proper relationship' until the DC's get to know her etc. etc. She needs to GET OVER HERSELF in my opinion. This is not about her at all. But the message is not sinking in, apparently.

ANNIEGETYOURGUNS: See where you are coming from. Think I am only allowed to text when she deems it is necessary??? But am opting out of all communication at the moment so is not applicable to me!

He needs to stop letting outside stuff get in the way of his promises.

Can he not SEE that this hastily arranged thing is only done AFTER his commitment is in the flaming Calendar?

Phone his parents and 'put them on standby' for Boxing Day, tell them why, as you said you would. This gives them plenty of time to tell him to stop being such a prick and to be there with his DC on Boxing Day....

What is this shit with HIS car HER car?, she is fucking mental! This is all external proof, take my car, let me see the kids, cancel the arrangements, tell her it doesn't work for me, I'm booking a hotel right next to the concert. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, see me, see me, SEE ME! How fucking pathetic.

If he won't stand up for his DC, and if he won't honour his commitments, seriously, you have to limit contact. You have to tell him that you are not going to be dictated to by some woman who has set out to relieve you of your husband, nor by some limp dicked, no balled specimen too weak to do what's right for his own children.

Tell him that this is all becoming too much, that you need space from it all, and that includes him. Tell him you will resume contact after christmas, when their social calendar is not quite so busy.

Then make arrangements for your DC to spend lots of time with family, keep them busy and you'll get through it.

I swear I hope karma comes and beats the living crap out of this horrific pair of twats.