Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

I haven't posted on here for ages but I'm lurking and loving how much you have changed and strengthened Solost

Great advice from AF, TW et al.

Hello again Solost.

We knew xh was moving into rental accomodation 1st Jan from around the end of November. We decided to keep it secret from everyone for sake of the dc and having one last family Xmas (dc 10 and 13 at the time).

Xh was meant to steer clear of the ow until he left but failed to do so and got found out in the early hours of Xmas Eve. Our Xmas was blown out the water. I would tell your dc now for all the reasons people have already given and then you can take control

TACCP: Thanks x. Love the new name btw.

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks for sharing your story. Am on a bit of a downer tonight. Thinking about Xmas I think, I know its gonna be so difficult. But I WILL get through it, after all its for kids really isnt it, not adults.

Solost,
Firstly, the OW sending you a text is unacceptable. Doesn't your H see this? It's so unbelievably awful. So wrong on every level. She should be trying to be as amicable as possible in order to ensure a secure relationship in the future. She sounds totally bonkers. You should really ask your H if this is the sort of woman he wants his children exposed to.

However!

I agree with the other posters that it's time to tell the children. You need to sit down together and tell them what has happened in an age appropriate way that leaves them in no doubt of two things:
A) M and D still love them 100%, that they are secure and loved.
B) M and D will do everything they can under the circumstances to minimise the disruption to their lives.

You will have to grit your teeth during this conversation and convey no ill feeling to your H.

The children already know that something bad has happened. If you tell them now, they'll have the opportunity between now and Christmas to adjust to the news. Furthermore, they'll see you together at Christmas and will be reassured that you can still spend time together as a family. This is extremely important.

If you tell them AFTER Christmas (which, let's face it - inevitable) with nothing but a long and bleak winter to look forward to, then you're in for a whole different world of hurt.

You are doing your kids no favours by saving the news. They will only resent you for it in the future and blame YOU.

My H and I split last July under similar circumstances. We sat DD (8) down together and told her why we had split up. We then spent the week together doing family things to assure her that she would always be safe, always be loved and always have mum and dad as great friends and the 'best' parents for her. DD has been absolutely fine - she asks awkward questions but they are dealt with honesty and candour. Xh and I agreed from the beginning that no matter how much hurt and pain there was between us, we'd never confer those feelings to our daughter.

I should probably mention that I am the one who left our marriage for another man. I will not be drawn into an explanation other than to say that it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. Even my XH agrees.

Good luck and stay strong!

That sounds like such good advice! I only wish my own parents had behaved in such a way when the decided to embark on a long period of hysteria following my father's repeated infidelities. Think that is why I have such a low tolerance for the amateur dramatics of affairs. If only my own parents had just come clean and then got on with it, whatever "it" was, instead of embarking on a Wagnerian soap opera for around 10 years with their children as reluctant spectators

Communicate with the children without drawing them into any of the emotional drama at all. I think children can accept pretty much any kind of set-up, AS LONG AS the adults responsible for their care act AS ADULTS and continue to respect the children's need for positive parenting and unconditional love.

VAGABOND: Thanks for sharing your story. I will give it a lot of thought. I do think they are probably ready to be sad but something holds me back, probably selfish reasons. Don't want to break their hearts or something like that. They seem so happy and settled at the moment but you are right, they need to be told. Regarding OW or BB as I have now christened her, I do have serious concerns about DC's ever having anything to do with her. I asked H last night if he would babysit DC's (meal out with girls next week - 1st time out in 4 months) he has always encouraged me to ask him to do this and was eager to help out - said yes right away. However, this morning he said BB was upset about it and asked if I would 'text in writing' any arrangements as he could 'run them past BB' and she could 'put them on her calendar!!'. He needs to ask permission to babysit his kids ffs???? Fills me with dread that H wants kids to get to know this person. Don't know where his heads at, do people become so 'in love' with someone that they ignore things that are staring them in the face?

TADPOLES: I agree wholeheartedly, the only issue is the BB hold over H. The way things are going I don't really think H will be in the kidz lives in 6 months time. Am tired of fighting him to SEE MORE of his kidz. Never thought this would happen. She now has a problem with them seeing him 3 times in a week - for xmas concerts etc. What kind of person is she to tell someone they need to ask permission to see their own kidz?

But solost, what kind of man allows himself to be told when he can and can't see his kids?? Was he this subservient when he lived with you? Does he have no mind of his own? Maybe she would react better to a solicitors letter setting everything out, she can stick that on her calendar then!

Solost: Have you wondered what prompted BB to contact you to say 'don't bother sending texts', when you're not infact doing that? I suspect your H is telling her that you're bombarding him with them. He's keeping her on her toes isn't he, making her think she has to compete against you for his attention?

I've lurked for a while and have to say that I first read your name as Soloist. Rather apt now I think as you're getting stronger on your own!

My H's OW has suggested that he sees the children too much and wants him to see them once a fortnight at weekends, because she's worried that he'll change his mind and want to come back to me and the DCs. Even though our decree absolute is weeks away from being granted.

I think this is insecurity on her part and weakness on his and he needs to ensure the DCs always feel loved by him and an important part of his life. At least my H has put his foot down and made it clear that he wants to see his DCs regularly. Yours needs to do the same if the DCs are important to him, instead of being swayed by his OW TimeForMe posts is a good idea.

Point blank refuse to put anything whatsoever about the arrangements for your night out, in writing. After all, they don't read your texts do they?

It's got nothing to do with her, whether he looks after his own DCs while his wife has a night out. He either says yes to a verbal agreement or you tell him that you will ask his parents to babysit for their grandchildren. Press him on this when he visits this week and if he vacillates and says he has to check in with OW first, take the option away from him, reminding him that this is his choice.

Come what may, you go on that night out. That's an order .

I agree about telling the DCs incidentally. I think that pre-Christmas is going to be better than in bleak January, as there will be plenty to divert their attention right now. I would also imagine that your eleven-year old has got his own suspicions anyway; children of that age have far more nouse than we credit them with.

OW is trying to engage you again in the drama. I understand why you replied and so I wonder whether there is any way you can block her number? This will stop you being tempted from replying.

However, rest assured that whatever he says about how controlling she is, or his feigned innocence about her texts to you, all of this is his choice. You could do a lot worse in fact in your interactions with him to keep saying, like a scratched record: "This is your choice". It will irritate the hell out of him because he is role-playing an "innocent fool in love" at the moment.

Some scorn, derision and utter contempt from you, even if it is in a look, would be just brilliant right now.

WWIFN is excellent as ever.

I think a few tough words are needed here with H.

Quite simply, it is HIS job to square his movements with her, not yours solost You need to hold firm, he said to you to let him know if ever you needed childcare, you know he was keen to do it, you asked he said yes.

TBH, if he is free to do it, they are his DC and he can make that decision. BB doesn't factor into it. Stupid Cow, if she relaxed and STFU about it, she'd BE more involved, but the way she is being now, she is forcing everyone to isolate her and contain her away from the family relationship dynamic.

IMHO you need to tell H in no uncertain terms that you have absolutely no interest whatsoever what her opinion is on anything to do with you DC, she simply has no role there.

Tell him that he is not to ring you and wriggle out of commitments he has made with regard to the care of his DC, because of her insecurity. Simply, you do not want to hear FROM her, or ABOUT her. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not welcome texts from women such as her and that she needs to stick with her own kind.

If you want to arrange access with H to see his DC and vice versa, literally no-one will filter that, no-one will get in the way of it and H is big enough and bright enough to manage his OWN calendar.

The innocent fool image is bang on, I see him in short trousers simpering and faffing about on the sidelines.

He needs to have a bit more confidence in himself, she is clearly desperate to keep him and is behaving in more and more bizarre ways to do so. He needs to know that he CAN tell her I have kids and a DW, and I will see them, like it or lump it.

Agree with WWIFN on using the Inlaws.. excellent idea!

Solost, it annoys me so much to see your H trying to drag you into the drama yet again . WWIFN is absolutely right, why on earth would you need your husband's new girlfriend's permission to go out? Are they crazy? Why should you care how she feels about anything at all? You care for your children around the clock, has he all of a sudden stopped being a parent?

The problem is, in my very, very cynical opinion, that they are trying to get a reaction from you. And they are so good at it that they even managed to irritate a bunch of strangers on the internet with no emotional investment in the marriage/kids at all. Detachment is the only way to go, there is really no benefit at all in you hearing things about the internal dynamic between the H and BB . They are very unlikely to be honest anyway.

TimeForMe makes a very good point.

Next time your H starts talking to you about the way BB feels, just put the phone down. How dare he? He will get the message soon enough.

Hopefully the GPs can babysit even if H backtracks yet again. As for the DCs, I also think they should be told asap. I remember realising so many things well before my parents told me anything as a child. I also distinctively remember feeling as though I was in limbo - understanding that things have changed and knowing that something horrible was going on in the background, but nobody would talk to me honestly. I am so sorry that you are the only adult here capable of handling this horrible situation for your DCs in a mature and responsible way. Of course they will be distraught but, in time, also grateful for your honesty.

You are very brave, Solost, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Solost

Agree with all the others above. Can't believe your H is such a wuss! Fancy him telling you that BB wants to see things in writing (specially after telling you that THEY don't read your texts.). She's barking.

Re telling the children: Children are extremely resilient and they will cope with the news. Far better for them to know what is going on than to have secret doubts and fears.

You said the children now seem happy and settled. That's great - it also means that they are in a good place emotionally to receive the truth from you and your H. Remember though, you have to tell them together and you have to be completely honest (age appropriate, of course).

Good luck - you're very brave and coping so well.

PS: Don't cancel your night out!

This attempt at dragging solost in, is it because the happy couple have lost the illicit nature of their relationship, so they have to stir something up?

Are they missing the adrenaline?

Reckon BB is.

Solo just tell husband no. No explanation, and certainly no excuse. He has a choice; he can babysit or you can ask his parents. You may like to ask him if he wants you to find and pay a babysitter when he sees his children so little?

But, no explanations are due to him. None.

No it's even better than that, BB doesnt actually trust your DH (because she knows he is capable of deceit and lies) so she wants proof you have asked him to babysit and that he is not out with OOW.

What poetic justice!

Solost I have been lurking on your thread and I think you are fab. I am just waiting for BB to get her comeuppance!

I see a man who has no respect for his wife or her feelings, a man who is giving no thought whatsoever to the pain she is feeling as a result of his thoughtless actions and words. Solost, he is just thinking of himself while at the same time rubbing your nose in all of this. Pathetic. If he cared about your feelings at all he wouldn't even be mentioning OW never mind informing you of her demands.

I would have lost patience with him by now and he would be receiving a letter from my solicitor as fast as the postman could deliver it. And she would receive a letter of her own instructing her to stop harassing me!!

She really is barking. She is behaving as though she is the injured party, not the woman who knowingly helped to break up a family.

Am loving that she is feeling so insecure though!

TIMEFORME: My thoughts exactly, did say this to him, apparently she's not keen on him being 'late back' after my 'big nite out' also that he's gonna be seeing DC's on 3 consecutive nights - xmas stuff. Was never subservient when he lived here, quite the opposite, thats why its so strange. In fact it has been HIS idea to babysit kids, has told me time and time again to sort a night out and that he would sit them, obviously before he ran it past BB!

KATKINSTHECATINTHEHAT: Have detatched and have no idea what all that is about tba! Thanks for your comments x

TEAANDCAKESPLEASE: I agee completely. What is it with these women who take on these men then think they can disregard the 'undesirable' parts of their previous lives? H always seems really up for seeing the DC's but more and more these days BB seems to be putting a spanner in the works. Think this may be her way of 'getting back at me' for not allowing her to force her way into their lives - sounds extreme I know but....

WWIFN: Thanks, great advice as usually. Am definantely gonna use the 'thats your choice' line - love it. Scorn and contempt can do by the bucketload, and am doing. When he rang and suggested I put in writing I sent him a spoof text starting Dear please can you give your permission for your boyfriend to look after his own children on [enter dates] think I deserve a night out after looking after his kidz 24/7 for the last three months. Yours in anticipation etc. He texted back in a panic, 'have you sent it to her?' - replied back 'Don't need to ask anyones permission - unlike you'. Will definantely be going on the night out by the way and H WILL be looking after HIS DCs. .

By the way need to ask your advice on something. H and BB coming 'xmas shopping' to home town this week, 'coincidently' the same day a DD's carol concert. BB has booked them into hotel next door to concert venue - complete coincidence apparently. But when we had out conversation last week it turned out it was'nt a coincidence at all. Told H he could'nt come to concert - bit of a knee jerk reaction, have relented on this as DD is expecting him there, however am worried BB may put in an appearence even though I have warned H that I will not appreciate her leaping out at us from the shadows so to speak. How do I handle this?

LITTLEMISSHOHOHOFIT: Agree with you completely. Have told him so many times, get some balls, stand up for yourself. Decisions re: DC's are between me and you etc. But it seems to go in one ear and out the other. He never was like that when he lived here btw, thats what soooo bizarre about all this. The intention seems to be there when he's here but as soon as he gets back there, he morphs into someone else.

YOUNGBLOWFISH: Thanks for your comments. You are right but how come everyone can see this except H? Is that wht meeting 'the love of your life' does to you? Do you think he will always be so influenced by her or will he 'wake up and smell the coffee' one day? Am resolutely refusing to be dragged back into their triangle, it seems to me that unless theres some drama kicking off about over here, they have nothing to talk about!

VAGABOND: I can't believe it either, part of his 'personality transplant' I think. I did point this out to him and his reply was 'well I used to ask you before I went out' - re-writing history I pointed out to him. He did no such thing. What USED to happen was he would tell me where he'd want to go - then I would let him know if there was a problem ie. double booking etc. I've got 3 DC's with many sports/interests etc and don't need a BLOODY CALENDAR to write it all down. Just note it in a diary - no big deal.

DONTDISSTHETEENS: BB definately missing the adrenalin I think. H seems a bit worn down by it tbh but hey ho. DC's always going to have stuff to attend, parties etc and BB's gonna have to get used to it. Apparently she doesn't like being on the 'sidelines' any more - think shes more a 'centre of attention' type of girl! Did suggest to him that I get babysitter in to look after them - think that concentrated his mind so to speak!

WHENALLELSEFAILSMAKETEA: She certainly doesnt trust him. When I rang to ask him to tell her not to send any more texts he was muttering something about 'his phone being opened' so think she goes through his stuff. What a wonderful relationship they have!

TIMEFORME: Am rapidly running out of patience but playing it 'detatched'. Just asked him to tell her to stop sending texts as I have not interest and will not be replying.

MUDANDMAYHEM: She is truely barking, you are right - have not thought of that before, its now like SHE's the injured party in this. Will point this out to H next time he bleats on about how sorry for herself she's feeling.

DONTDISS: So am I!

It's not appropriate for her to go to the concert under any circumstances as your DCs are not aware of her at the moment. She can't just waltz in and expect the children to adapt to this random girlfriend all of a sudden.

All the more reason to tell your DCs an age appropriate version of the truth if BB may try and put in an appearance at the carol concert imo thinking about it though, if it's a real risk.

I can't believe how pathetic your H is being and why he cannot be firm with her.

The children never asked for this to happen and it's not their fault and they need to be kept out of the OW's petty game tbh. They just want a normal life with their family, peers and at school as much as possible and it's our job to co parent our children even after a break up that enables them to do that. Your H needs to sort himself out asap. Be firm and put some boundaries in place.

I am typing this fast as it's late and I'm not as wise as many people who've posted on this thread consistently from the very beginning but I hope some of what I've said makes sense.

Solost - DO NOT TELL YOUR H THAT HIS WOMAN IS BARKING. That will soooo be used against you. Keep your own thoughts to yourself - the minute you start talking about her to your H, you have engaged in the drama again and opened the channels for him to talk about her, nay, to defend her - you really don't want to listen to a pile'o'shite about how insecure she is and why, and how you should cut her some slack, do you?!

Stick with the "I'm not interested", "you made your choice", "it's nothing to do with me" lines. They're good for most responses whenever he starts whinging about his current situation/OW's feelings.

And please tell your DC asap, because I have the nastiest feeling that her next move will be to "accidentally" fall pregnant, to consolidate her position. ANd that it will be quite soon. DO NOT mention this to your H either, as he will tell her and she will deny it vigorously but it will probably still happen.

You are doing better at being detached but you are still revelling in the smallest details - this is absolutely normal but not conducive to complete detachment. It is nothing to you whether or not she checks up on him. It is nothing to you whether or not he is happy in his new relationship. It is nothing to you whether he seems tired out with it all. All these things are not your concern any more - only his function as the father of your DC is your concern. UNLESS and UNTIL he leaves the OW, you need to tune out everything to do with his life that does not impact directly on him being a father to your DC.

Actually, I think when he comes over for the babysitting might be a good time to deal with the "telling the DC" - make him come at least half an hour beforehand, sit them down together and tell them. Then he will get the full brunt of the impact his actions have had on his DC, while you go out with your friends - of course you will have enough time to reassure them that you will both do your best by them and you both still love them more than anything before you go, and hopefully he will get the anger/upset to deal with.
However - I have never had to do this so people who have been in this situation might be better placed to offer advice on the way in which it should be done.

If , and only if ,she texts you again , i know its not recomended by most , i would text her back .
Just one line.

" you are welcome to my cast offs ".

this makes a few points ...

1. shes a loon for harrasing you
2. your not interested
3. she "didnt" steal him off you
4. shes only with him because you dont want him.
5. sort of takes the "shine of her prize".
6. will make her think there must be something wrong with him , or else you`d be fighting to keep him .
7. make her look like the looney she is for texting in the first place.

Thing is with OW , its all about living someother womans life.... get the h =get the lifestyle.No point if its a life you dont want, is there ?.