Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

when I spoke to her the other night, at one point she said 'I'm sleeping with him now' and really, really had to bite my tongue, and stop myself saying 'guess what darling, so am I!'.

Have I missed the bit where you say you have actually stopped sleeping with him ?

well done for holding back on the text, you may find you will be past sending it when the opportunity arises, knowing with a smirk on your face may be enough by then, and as you say she you really don't want to involve yourself in any more drama, as if you invest in her life then it will be adding drama, remember now you feel like a victim, to send her a text is to put her in the victim role and you the persecutor, you are still wanting to move around that drama triangle, one day you will not want to x

Slight o/t re the car. Your name on the logbook means you are the registered keeper not necessarily the legal owner.

He'd have first dibs as the finance is in his name but ultimaely the finance company own it.

So it's no sign of his commitment.

Yeah, don't send the text (tongue firmly in cheek last night) but a memory that's going to keep you amused if you ever have the misfortune to meet.

Just pondering aloud re telling the children - will they not notice their Dad's absence, even if he rocks up for a few hours? Just wondering if having Christmas to look forward to, with you, your family and also the ILs might be quite comforting, knowing that not much else has changed, rather than having it come out at Christmas and tainting a special time?

ANYFUCKER: Hmmmm you are spookily on the ball arnt you!!!! One relapse, but no more!

MUMMIEHUNNIE: You are right, I have promised myself - no more triangles, no more drama, no more texts! Incidently, have not spoken or answered any texts all day today. He has just called to speak to DC's and asked to speak to me. Put phone down (in a different room from DC's) and he rang back. Wanted to know what's up? told him didnt want to speak to him and put phone down.

EMMYLOULOU: Yeah realise that, but he insisted I should have a new car, I did offer to keep the old one, wouldn't have bothered me tbh, as long as I get from a to b - which had no finance on it etc, would have given him more money but he wanted me to have a new one. That was 3 weeks ago though, am wondering if he would have been so eager now?

KANGAROOCAUGHT: Am pondering also, take your comments on board. H is spending Xmas day with us, he has booked us in to local restaurant for lunch and said he will stay til 7.00pm. I do take your point about telling them not sure what to do really. Am led by DC's on this, part of me wants to tell them so they know the 'whole story' but part of me thinks that once they are told its like destroying the 'family' all over again, the man they think of and look up to will be no more? Don't really know why I am so reticent about telling them, have given this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks.

Please, no more "relapses"

Your self-respect will thank you for it !

I think the reason you are dragging your feet on telling the dc's the full truth is because you think he will see the "error of his ways" and come back to you

So why upset them when "all will end well" ?

yes ?

Hi Solost,
Thanks for your updates. How long ago was the relapse?!!!
You are spending Christmas day together? Will his parents be there? That will be hard for you both, I'm sure. What will BB be doing? Frankly, I'm kind of surprised that she is "allowing" it.
Good for you for ignoring his Maccy D's text - he sounds vey insecure and needy: good!

Keep strong - we are all rooting for you. Hugs! Vx

ANYFUCKER: Am surprised by your 'restrained' response! Was expecting an 'ear bashing!'. Have considered your explanation of why I don't want to tell the DC's and a couple of weeks ago - you were right. But I DO feel differently now, so differently that am wondering whether I am gonna quite enjoy watching him 'squirm' when he tells them and I don't feel that's right either. Sometimes I feel some of the 'nastiness' of this is rubbing off on me, at the mo seem to be swinging from pathetic cow to hard faced bitch - not sure im liking the 'new me' much?

VAGABOND: Errr couple of weeks . We are spending Xmas day, just us 5 as a 'family'. His parents, dont want him round 'playing happy families' - I understand this completely, we are going down to see them when he leaves as they do want to see us. My mum is spending Xmas with my sister as she can't forgive him and will have nothing at all to do with him. He is v.vague about what BB's doing, either with mummy n daddy or at her bro's. Am surprised she's allowing it also, but bear in mind this was arranged a month ago, think she will try to put a spanner in the works, in fact am just waiting for it. The chances of him staying til 7pm for example as he promised originally? She's already tried tbh. H told me she had wanted them to have a 'champagne breakfast?' at 9.00am on Xmas morning (he has a 1 hr drive to get to us). Apparently she didn't realise DC's got up early on Xmas Day????????

hey, I can do restrained

and I agree...you have changed a great deal in the last few days, I am sure

hard-faced bitch is ok...it's really called "self-preservation"

your mindset before was "doormat"

anything is better than, right ?

I told you a couple of days ago, I admire how you have taken all the harsh comments on board, and really used them positively, and I meant it

better than that

sorry, typing too fast

You are doing so well Solost. Keep strong.

ANYFUCKER: Thanks, it means a lot coming from you - really . I know you've been tough on me - really tough - and I do appreciate it. I was a doormat wasn't I? But do feel much stronger now thanks to you lot! Still scary but think I am gonna get thru. Somethings changed in my mindset if you know what I mean. Think you've helped open my eyes, pushed/moved me along. Would never have seen a lot of this otherwise and would have been stuck back where I was two weeks ago, wallowing in self pity and waiting for H to 'see the error of his ways!'. Sometimes I read this thread back and really don't recognise that person. Is that a good or bad thing? Good I think! It all seems so long ago now, in some ways. I think back to when H was here and it seems like a lifetime ago. That makes me feel a bit sad, but more nostalgic really. Am looking forward now, more and more. Thank you.

I think it a good thing

And I am not the only one to acknowledge your strength of character, and your emotional know-how

you are worth a million of him x

VAGABOND: Thanks - it means a lot x

ANYFUCKER: Is that really you . No doubt I will give you reason to get tough with me again over then next few weeks. Am under no illusion that things WILL get tougher but now am more prepared!

Thank you x

Soloist, usual check in to see how you are.

Clearly you are well and truly in the mindset of thinking rather than reacting. Good on you. Now, start the week by finding out how you can get legal advice. I promise you will be stronger for it.

stick around

you are right, things will be tough for a while

but they will get better eventually

they have to...nothing could be worse than they were !

diss, don't be ashamed of the hug, I did the < x >

DONTDISSTHETEENS: Thanks for checking, am feeling quite strong today. Think its because I've given H the silent treatment and he's completely wrong footed by it. Feel much stronger when he's not around. Think he really struggles on Sundays' not seeing the DC's and having to spend the day with BB. He texts constantly. So starting the week well. However, H is coming round tommorrow to see DC's and the 'issue' of signing the useless piece of paper rears its ugly head. It's quite pointless I know, but to me - there is a point - of principle I think. He offered to do this, with no prompting from me - I accepted and he backpedalled. Let's see how new me handles this one?

Thanks for the hug btw really appreciate it x

ANYFUCKER: You are right again, it can't be worse.

You lot - you're just a load of big softee's really arn't you?!

of course, don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Jesus, i have just read this thread from start to finish, caught up on it all.

what a journey solost, you are doing so well, I really feel for you and want you to know I admire your strength and your dignity.

Solost - I think in all fairness to your DC you need to tell them before Christmas. Otherwise they are quite likely to:
a) be disappointed when your H doesn't live up to his promise, because he has been told by OW that he has to spend some time with her on Christmas Day after all. This will either take the form of him being really late, or having to leave early.
b) ask him when he's coming back to live with you all properly as a family, which may precipitate a crisis on Christmas Day, something I'm sure you'd all like to avoid.

They probably have some kind of clue what is going on anyway - but even if they don't, I don't think that you all pretending things are fine until Christmas, and then telling them afterwards, is going to help.

Christmas is far enough away to get it over and done with now, allowing them to start to come to terms with it by then.

I don't know if your DC do Christmas letters, but you might see things like "I just want Daddy to come and live with us again" if you haven't explained the situation - which will doubtless upset you, at the very least.

I have always believed that children need to know the truth, even if it's just a simplified version appropriate to their age and level of understanding. Then they can process what is happening appropriately for them, not have to deal with one story, then another story, then finally get the truth and have to deal with not only that but the fact that their parents have been lying to them up until that point.

I am so glad you have your PILs on "your side" over this - if even your MIL is telling you to see a solicitor then it's time! Glad you're booking to see one soon.

Keep ignoring irrelevant texts - he's just looking for a sympathy reaction. Don't give him the satisfaction. And I hope to heaven that you don't sleep with him again!! That is over now - and anyway, EWWWWWW!! I wouldn't be wanting his thing in me after he's dipped it in her!!

Keep smiling kid, you're going great guns.

I think TW is right, you should tell the children soon. Two reasons, one being that you may have more control than being faced with tears and misery when Dad leaves Christmas day. The second being that it gives an opportunity for the children to understand that they are still important and that everyone will work together to make things like Christmas good for them.

You are doing so well Solo, but do be prepared to have days that are shitty and where you doubt yourself and everything. And don't think twice about sharing those with us. We are here for the low bits as well as enjoying seeing you grow stronger.

LITTLEMISSHISSYFIT: Thank you x

THUMBWITCH: You are right, and I am beginning to feel strong enough to deal with the fallout! The only worry I have is that S (he's almost 11) already treats his dad differently, is almost indifferent to him being here sometimes and I know the news will affect him greatly - he's such a sensitive little soul - am not sure I could break his heart but I do not it will have to be done.

Have ignored his texts, but she sent one last nite (midnight) 'dont bother sending texts, WE don't read them'. Could'nt resist a reply, I know I should'nt have - just sent back - 'thats what you think'. He said he didnt know she sent it - I do believe him. Anyway, he came round this evening, signed the 'irrelevant paper' without question and told me he has told he that any decisions re: kids/finances over here are between us two, he is not discussing them with her anymore. I told him thats fine, left it at that. Don't know whether he's finally got some balls or whether it's just another ploy. Will wait and see.

DONTDISSTHETEENS: Thanks, will give it some thought. See previous post for todays update!