Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Clearly nothing to the delusionals.

KATIESCARLETT: Not the relli's, apparently since then her mum's come clean to a couple of them and you know how the 'family' grapevine works. BUT did enlighten all her work colleagues, she told them the same, so I rang up and put em all right! Was not a happy bunny-boiler apparently. Was worried I? had 'damaged her professional!!!! reputation'. My heart bleeds! Did go a bit mental when I first found out did'nt I? It did help get it out of my system somewhat, bad enough to be lied to but H has always told everyone the truth, OW is still trying to 'protect her reputation'?

I'm pretty sure I've read the whole thread - did I miss a bit about you speaking to BB's mum at the beginning of all this? Under what circumstances did that happen?

Are you saying that BB's family are happy about this whole arrangement?

BTW, whilst I agree that it would certainly take the rosy shine off their relationship to allow your DC's to spend some time with H and his OW, I don't think it would be fair on the children. It's too soon. In a way, you'd all be 'using' the children in that situation and not 100% thinking about what is best for the kids (not suggesting that you would ever want anything other than the best for them).

Your H sounds like such a weak prick! He'll probably find himself very alone and feeling very stupid at the end of all this. You should tell him this and make him know in no uncertain terms that you will not take him back once BB has played her game with him.

Good luck and continued strength.

I think, frankly, the only person who believes she has a reputation worth saving left is BB. Denial - not only a river in Egypt.

As for the kids. Since she is sticking like a burr and DH will probably be granted access, realistically, the poor bairns will probably have to breathe the same air as BB at some point. Don't worry, she will be too scared of them to do anything except try too hard to please them and NEVER SUCCEED.

VAGABOND: Sorry did'nt mention all the dispicable!! things I did when I found out about their affair did I. Tbf I was in a VERY bad place for the first few weeks. So here goes, first I rang BB, and got the 'i've never done anything like this before' please pity me response. Then when I found out H had been introduced to OW's parents even before he'd been found out, I rang them to get their 'take' on it, was v.polite, not offensive in the slightest. Then I rang her colleagues as I 'rightly' guessed she had not told them the whole story either - just to tell them the truth. Probably did completely the wrong thing but did feel a hell of a lot better after doing it. Hate lies and liers but what is worse is that after everything they but particularly she had done, she has'nt the 'courage' to face her actions, my marriage and my previous life is just airbrushed away and I become someone who separated from her husband years ago.

But everyone will know she's a lying man-teef and will always treat everything she says with face. Including her parents, eventually......

VAGABOND: Totally agree with you re: the kids as well. If there was any way I could send them there without damaging them in any way for the weekend, I would, just to let her see that her 'dream' of them all being a happy family would actually be a nightmare. Apparently she never gets out of bed before 11.00am on a weekend - not really a compatible lifestyle for 3 DC's who are always up BEFORE 7.00am. Would certainly burst her bubble. However, would never put them in that situation. Will keep them away from her for as long as possible. Someone that pushy, who is only out for herself is far too selfish to be around my DC's.

Solost, I think what you did when you discovered the affair (the phone calls etc) is entirely reasonable and justifiable.
Bravo for having the cajones (the balls!) to do it.

I bet that there is a part of your husband right now who either regrets or is starting to doubt what he's done. He probably feels like 'the cat's truly out of the bag' and he has to lie in the bed he made for himself. The ole 'it's too late to go back' scenario. Frankly, BB's behaviour has probably been very off-putting for him because, although he's done all this and he's been a prize shit, he probably still feels loyalty to you and (of course) the children.

TBH, he sounds really weak and if BB is so strong and will-full, she's probably influencing a lot of his behaviour these days. Behaviour which probably goes against his natural instincts but he doesn't know what to do because everyone knows and he's blown it with you.

IF (BTW - you're still allowed to want to save your marriage despite what MN-ers say) you still want him back, I think you should write him a very honest letter and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that he has X amount of time to dump BB and come back to the family or else that's it - kaput - no more Mrs Nice Guy. No more phone calls, unrestricted visits etc... Play tough. And if you've already played tough, play tougher.

Do you know if he sleeps at night? This is a serious question. Is he in turmoil or sleeping well at night?
What do you think he's feeling?

BTW - BB sounds like such a prize cow!

man teef. arf

You are right Solost, I wouldn't let her near them yet either. Gawd only knows what pernicious fairy stories she'd be dripping into their poor innocent ears.

btw none of the things you did were despicable at all. Why the fuck should you disappear meekly into oblivion while she rewrites history with your husband?? You are the very epitome of bravery, dignity and restraint; in your shoes I would be playing them both like a pair of violins and they would be at each others' throats day and night by the time I had done with them. You'd never find me on the high moral ground..

VAGABOND: You are so right, I know he is beginning to regret and you are also right in that he knows there is no way back has blown it with us, his parents don't want to know etc. And as for his sleep, he certainly doesn't sleep well, he tells me this all the time, although now I just am indifferent when he tells me. He once told me that every morning when he wakes he knows he has made a terrible mistake and thinks 'what the hell am I doing here' then he gets up and gets on with his life. He said it was his 'reality check'. But I take all his waffle with a pinch of salt these days, I do hear but am indifferent. Will consider writing the letter btw. Thanks for taking time to post. x

MSBOOGIE: Glad you agree, my thoughts exactly. Why should I fade into oblivion whilst she re-writes history. You have guesse my end game. Did once tell H I would destroy her, as she had destroyed my family (I do realise it was as much his doing as hers) but at the end of the day, SHE was the one who did all the running (despite H taking full responsibility for the affair - he told me he never saw her culpability until I found out and pointed it out to him). SHE was the one who pursued a 'happily married man' with 3 DC's. H also once told me that if I had done the same to him, he would have been far worse. I do see however that they are both to blame BUT when I see her trying to re-write history, it just made me sooooo angry!

Do you want him back? Honestly.

Ok another late night post after a glass or two!!! Sleep well honey (ha ha on mumsnet this is heresy). Too right everyone should know what a liar she is. Maybe they should know what a lying cheating wanker he is too? I reckon they will work it out. Sleep well solost. You are brave strong determined protective. Take (yet another!) hug from here.

Ps I do hope you have less children in the house tonight and get some rest!

If he turns out to be a complete tosser re money do send him a text starting, "We really shouldn't have slept together..." for the OW's edification.

Good point, does the BB know you've slept together since he abandoned you?

If I were a bitch (which of course I'm not)I don't know if I could resist sending him this text;

Look, it's positive, we have to deal with it. You are just going to have to tell her about our last lovemaking session 3 weeks ago. I'm sure she will understand.

Kate s - oh the temptation! Solo st - so many options for dropping him in the brown stuff. How can you resist? Seriously it should all be about you and the children now.

don't send the text about you having sex with him, it is just reigniting the drama triangle again... much as she and he deserve to have reason to fight, it will come back on you again

See I so would send that text, then I would eff off on a week's holiday with the kids, leaving the drama triangle (minus one side) to its own devices. And wouldn't tell him I was going either.

Solost - you can call me mate, no probs :).
I see things have taken another step on the sorry road to your complete enlightenment to the level of perfidy of your H.

I see he's blaming the OW for his backtracking. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. It is as much him as her - they probably are discussing how things are going to pan out; they probably are discussing finances - but they will have worked out between them that it is better that he doesn't give anything away now out of guilt.
As time goes on, his guilt will lessen more and more - it already is starting to because he is no longer wildly promising anything to stop you going off at him (i.e. demonstrating that he has hurt you).

DO NOT send a text about having sex with your H. She will just think you are making a pathetic attempt to upset her.

DO NOT believe that he regrets what he has done - if he truly regretted it, he would be back on his bended knees grovelling for you to take him back. All the while he stays with her, he does NOT regret it.

DO NOT believe that they are having "trouble in paradise" - they might be, they might not be - but he is saying that to keep you hanging on, to keep you thinking there is a chance he might come back so you will stay on his side, to keep you feeling sorry for him instead of treating him like the conniving bastard he is. If he says things are bad, keep a stock response to hand - something like "I couldn't care less, you made your choice, now you have to live with it, it's nothing to me"

Your comments:
"But it is still hard, he was such a good man, what happens to these Hs? for all those years he never put a foot wrong then all this, its like he's had a personality/morals transplant!"
"this man looks and acts the same around the DC's but he's like a wolf in sheeps clothing isn't he?"
"You are right he has changed. Told him this today and he looked all surprised and said 'no, Im the same, I havent changed at all have I?'"
All these comments show that he has mentally left the relationship with you. He no longer fits into that relationship "mould" - he has shifted into the "OW-relationship-mould" and it is not one you recognise, hence he now appears as a stranger to you. He will not know this. He will not realise that people fit around the ones they care about - and he will not realise that he has demonstrated clearly that his love for you has left the building. YOU, otoh, have realised this and are having it shown to you at every turn.

You are coming on so well, that I no longer hesitate to give you the hard truths - IF this man truly thought that he was going to come back to you, he would not be playing the game the way he is now. He is currently playing you on a line - seeing how much you can take at any one time, then holding you for a bit; then haul you in a bit more.

That is why you HAVE to see a solicitor asap, before he pulls the wool over your eyes and the rug out from under you. Which, believe me, is what he will eventually do if you let him.

Please do tell the DC what is going on asap - they need to know, and the chances are they have already bumped into a "nice lady that Daddy knows" - so tell them the truth in the simplest and kindest way you can, but make damn sure that they know it is in no way their fault, nor yours!

(((hugs))) - you are doing great - keep it up. :)

Oh - another tip - every day, when you wake up, no matter how shite you feel - smile at yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself that you are a great and strong woman who is doing the best for her family and that you matter, and deserve love and happiness. Wide smiles also apparently hit trigger points for endorphins (happy hormones) in your cheeks - so a good dose of happy endorphins will help you through the morning. (bear in mind that if, every time you look in the mirror, you see a sad face, it will only make you feel worse)

So :) and !

Hello Solost

I have been lurking on this thread and just read thumbwithchs post where she has made a couple of points I was about to.

He doesnt regret what he has done or he would be asking to come back and all this drip feeding of their problems is just him keeping you hoping.

My ex left last christmas after 17 years together and 2 dc for a surprising choice of ow. Everyone said "Oh he will soon realise his mistake and coming grovelling back". He never did and is still with the ow and I am fairly certain has no regrets about the choices he made. This was very hard to accept because I didnt want to lose him or endure the rejection that he wanted her not me. However once I had grasped this and dealt with the ensuing pain I was able to start moving on more quickly and detach from him.

I think you have been really strong and handled it all so well you should be proud of yourself.

Also I empathise with your reluctance to see a solicitor, to someone who isnt in your position it is obviously the right and logical thing to do but when you are in this position it feels overwhelming and a huge step. My Dad organised an appointment for me 3 months after ex left because I just couldnt bring myself to do it and he could see that. I went and be warned it is just awful to sit there and have your 17 years together dissected and talked about like its someone elses life. Once it was over though I felt relieved because sadly it had to be done. I didnt tell ex and was glad when a few months later the subject arose and I was able to say "Oh yes I have already seen a solicitor" and it is important to know where you stand.

I wouldnt waste time on getting this signed promise from him because it is legally meaningless I think. Be strong and get an appointment and if possible get a friend to come with you even if you dont want them to actually sit in on the meeting.

I have been reasonably lucky in that ex has more or less stuck to his going out the door promises about looking after us. He too prides himself on being very honourable but be warned Solost as the guilt has eased over the year and he has rewritten history to his advantage he has gone from saying he would live in a caravan if necessary to putting up a fight to have enough money to live in the same standard house as the dc and I on the basis that he has them to stay 3 days in 14.

Fortunately we had enough money that we can both be financially ok out of the divorce but believe me when they sit and look at the reality of how delivering honour to the family they have left will impact on them they rapidly change their tune.

Anyway you sound really strong and capable and for what its worth a year later I am happier than I have been in a long time. As my name suggests it does get easier

Just catching up with this thread agan. Solost, I can't tell you how proud I feel the way you are handling yourself, sorry to be so familiar!

I finally started to behave the way everyone here says - and you are doing - a few months down the line after my Twunt did this to me. I wish I'd had more courage in the early days.

However, I am proud of myself now, because I'm one of those women KatieScarlett talked about who is now in control of her life and looks back and shudders. I really enjoy it when he has to come to the house - last weekend to get some Xmas deccies! Good on you, my son - I have no feeling about 'our' things any more, unless it has a sentimental attachment to my daughter or I, he can take 'em!

I wipe the floor with him - in a very subtle, nice way. In fact my DD (nearly 18 so different from you)gets mad with me because she says I'm way too nice to him. What she doesn't realise is that I'm subtly mocking him.

He too sits here and tells me all is not well in paradise - she's a vegetarian and he's not allowed to eat meat (he was one of those heavy meat eaters) - my friends laugh their heads off about this; he is "not allowed to have an opinion"; her daughter hates him and he hates her . . . . blah blah blah.

I smile to myself every day.

Please get yourself to a solicitor - it's a terrifying, nervewracking feeling - it makes it all the more horribly real. But it MUST be done. You will honestly feel better to have someone on your side, someone to protect you and your children.

It gave me a feeling of empowerment when I was floundering around not knowing what the heck I was doing.

Carry on the way you are, he's the one who's floundering, realising what a tit he's made of himself and how his life has changed - and not for the better.

It may not seem like it, but you are going to be ok, darling.

Keep smiling.

Lifemoveson how do you do that I would love to subtly mock my xh

I don't agree with the ultimatum by letter suggestion, btw. At least not at this stage, when let's face it he's only recently chosen her and is unlikely to be ready to go back on that. Better, I think, to let him doubt whether you actually would accept him back.

In any case I don't think you should allow him back straight away even if he did suddenly (appear to) have a change of heart. He would need to go through one hell of a lot of demonstrating his re-commitment before taking his former place with the family he betrayed. He should win you back if he wants you, not respond in a panic to an ultimatum which he may then regret, and won't it feel shit if you know he's thinking about her still and may go back to her at any moment?

Lastly, giving him a chance to ditch her and move back in is putting him in the driving seat again. He gets to choose whether to stay with his shiny new soulmate or go back to the comforts of home. But he gave up the right to that choice when he moved out before.

God, no an ultimatum would backfire spectacularly especially as you have nothing to threaten him with at this point.Anything you wrote to him would be shown to her immediately and added to their armoury of information to be used against you.

That is also a very good point about the signed promise - it probably doesn't hold water, legally speaking.

VAGABOND: Don't think I would have him back atm.

DONTDISSHETEENS: Everyone knows what a lying, cheating, scumbag he is. To be fair he has always told everyone the truth, including the fact that I did nothing wrong. OW on the other hand, re-writes history at every opportunity, she/they live so far away that no-one who knows her, knows me (if you see what I mean). H is changing jobs he told me last week, he said things haven't been going well at his current place since what has happened, that people don't respect him anymore - surprise, surprise, that he needs a new start. Will be working mainly from 'home' - her home, as she does, won't that be cosy for em? Much better nights sleep last night thanks for the hug, much appreciated x

KANGAROOCAUGHT, KATIESCARLETT, VAGABOND, SCAREDOFCOWS, MUMMIEHUNNIE, MSBOOGIE: Was sooooo tempted to send the text, in fact, when I spoke to her the other night, at one point she said 'I'm sleeping with him now' and really, really had to bite my tongue, and stop myself saying 'guess what darling, so am I!'. But am better than that! Well am keeping that one, to use another day - dont worry, it will all come out eventually. You know what they say 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. She would'nt believe me at the mo anyway, you are right and I would be sinking to her level. But maybe one day......

THUMBWITCH: You are right, never thought of it like that, he has mentally left the relationship. And I do feel sad about that. I am going to see a solicitor. Saw my in-laws today, do keep them informed but try not to rub it in. Its difficult but I do need them to know what a tosser their son has turned out to be. They are really supportive, and I know how very hard it is for them. Told my MIL the bare bones of me asking for him for written confirmation of his financial commitment to us and his refulsal and she said straight away 'see a solicitor as soon as possible'. So even she sees what he has become and she does'nt even know as much as you lot!

As for telling the DC's I know you are right but telling them before Xmas? Know there is no good time but, DS bed wet for a couple of weeks after he left and I don't want to spoil their Xmas by dropping this on them and causing them more pain. Know there's no good time but feel I can hold off for a few more weeks? They are accepting of what they have been told so far, that Daddy is working away and will not be sleeping here anymore. What do you think? Thanks for the hug x

GETTINGEASIER: Thank you so much for taking time to share your story. I and all my friends said the same when H left, he'll be back, unfortunately it doesnt seem to be working out that way. I don't think he will return quickly although I do know he isn't happy there at the moment, and has massive feelings of guilt. You are right of course regarding finances, when he left he promised me the earth, he would support us financially for ever etc. but you are right, that was the guilt talking. Tbf though he has just bought me a new car on a finance thingy, in his name although the logbook is registered to me. So there was some financial committment there, but you are right, I am going to get legal advice. Re: the signed promise, the reason I am pursuing this is because HE offered it to me, I never asked for it, then when i took him up on it, he backpedalled saying he had PROMISED OW he wouldnt sign anything until he had run it past her, apparently she told him to build in some conditions?? told him this was a written committment to financially provide for his kids not a F*ing business deal. He also said he promised he would sign on Monday - will see what tommorrow brings!

LIFEMOVESON: Thanks for your post, you are right as always. Its good to hear from ppl who have been through this and come out the other side. Your post brought a tear to my eye - not sure why? Thank you x

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Am not writing a letter, don't think there is any point. You are right, he'd just show it to BB. Am in a non-communication mode at the moment. Wouldnt have him back either at the mo, he's a mess to put it mildly. Would need so much from him before I'd even consider and to be honest, I don't think he could give me? Sent me a text this morning @ 6:50 - 'Sat in MaccyD's with other insomniacs/wino's, spirit of NY playing on musac, minus 6 outside, just thought I'd cheer you up'??? what do you make of that? Didn't reply of course.

MSBOOGIE: I know the signed promise would not hold up legally. The point I am trying to make with him is, that HE offered to do this for me - I never asked him to. And when I said OK please do that then, he backpedalled. Think I am trying to show him how he compromises his integrity - not sure thats right!! - know what I am trying to say but is so hard to put into words - do you see where I am coming from? Think what I am trying to say is - am trying to show him the person he has become, promising things then not delivering?