Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

It might not feel like it right now solost but he has done you a favour with his back pedalling. Get yea to that solicitors!

Solost, you didn't offend me. I was getting very frustrated on your behalf, too frustrated infact.

I was probably one of the most vocal and abrupt on this thread about legal advice, as I knew where this was going. I felt like the urgency was being missed, for the here and now.

I understand that it's a wrench and everyone was milling along helping you day to day but I just wanted to scream at you to go to a solicitor urgently as it's all so predictable.

I'm glad he has shown you for what he is today, like a worm squiming on a hook. He is not to be trusted. Although I am sorry this revalation has hit home, I'm also not if it has been the catalyst you need to get yourself and your dc's protected from their deceit and scheming by making up your mind to see a solicitor.

msboogie, the same sort who will be making herself out to be a victim of an evil ex wife, who will be taking her man for every penny and not letting him see his kids, and then when some ow comes along and he and she does the same to her, cries vitcim all over again!

TIMEFORME: He has done me a favour, a big one, like I said earlier would never have believed it if I hadnt seen it for myself. Will sort a solicitor asap.

EMMYLOULOU: Thanks for your patience, you were all right all along, this is so difficult for me, this man looks and acts the same around the DC's but he's like a wolf in sheeps clothing isn't he? He looked me in the eye this afternoon and promised he would sign what he had written when he come around on Monday?? His excuse for not signing today was, 'he needed to think about it?', he promised OW he would not sign anything as she asked him not to. Am not holding my breath but will hold him to his promise. This was originally HIS idea, it was me who said not to bother but obviously OW's now got a say in it although not sure how financially providing for the DC's s any of HER business, apparently again. Thanks again for not abandoning my thread, I do appreciate your advice/comments and understand your need 'to get thru to me'.

ow has no say, however he will listen to her as he does not want the sex to dry up so will please her and destroy you and the children for the ego strokes she gives him, harsh as that is Solo st, as someone has christened you, that is the reality, it is not fair and dammed painfull, you now have her like a third wheel who thinks she has as much right over your's and your lo's lives because she is shagging a man, she will destroy your rep too to anyone who will listen, to justify her and your ex's behaviour...

MUMMIEHUNNIE: Too true, have already been accused of 'damaging my DC's' by not telling them about OW. Apparently they will be screwed up in the future because of MY??? actions, of using DC's to manipulate H into coming back home - again by not telling DC's about OW. See a pattern emerging? TBH if I had a new 'partner' would not DREAM of introducing him to DC's after 3 months, feel its far too soon and that is AFTER being separated from H. Am so glad I have opted out of that triangle. H kept hinting today that all is not well in the 'luuurvenest' but told him it was not really any of my business.

mummiehunnie I don't know why people insist on making life so much harder than it needs to be. They can't be any the happier for this sort of behaviour..

The thing is, he is weak and spineless now, he had an affair and left his wife and kids he has changed.

It will be like he has been taken over, for one of two reasons. He is self absorbed in his needs and the OW's needs so his actual family fall way below the pecking order. OR and somtimes both he is so consumed with regret and can't possibly fail as he has made his bed, he will bend over backwards to please OW and jump when she says.

She is scared, she ought to be, hardly been faithful to her has he since he left you? He has cheated on you, then cheated on her with you once he'd left. Not exactly a catch! She knows he is a cheat, so she will always be looking over her shoulder, what a miserable life! He is stuck with a control freak (if his versions are true) who will be checking his every move, with good reason! Nightmare!

He is not the man you married. He is putting the OW, or his (she may be his cover story) needs and his security before that of his wife, the mother of his children and his DC's.

This is not a "real" man, and although it's a shock, thankgod he is starting to show it and you have realised and can now get security for you all.

EMMYLOULOU: You are right he has changed. Told him this today and he looked all surprised and said 'no, Im the same, I havent changed at all have I?' I just looked at him and laughed. As i did when he said he 'PROMISED' me he would honour his financial commitments and then added how he always keeps his promises, at least this time he had the grace to look embarrassed when I fell about laughing and told him he had broken the most important promise of his life to me, he could'nt go could he!

I think the second reason you mentioned is the real one, he was a very honourable man (once) and I feel that once he made his decision to leave he felt as you rightly pointed out that he had chosen his path, so to speak and he was going to follow it regardless. I know they are having major problems, he keeps hinted at this to me and that the person who is now revealing herself to him is not the person he fell for but - that his problem now isn't it? God, can't believe I typed that, have come so far in the last two weeks thanks to you lot!

It's quite spooky, isn't it, how a bunch of strangers on the internet can predict so accurately the actions of a man they've never met? That's because it's the standard cheater's script. Whether he will wake up and rediscover his sense of decency at any point remains to be seen, but for the moment you're dealing with a pod person from the Planet Cheat who looks like your husband. And WWIFN, Thumbwitch and the others can tell you just what he is going to do in the short term, because they all do, to a startling degree.

I'm with msboogie on this.

Is he so spineless that he has to tell you what OW has instructed him to do?

What kind of woman can she possibly be? It's beyond belief.

Do you still want this excuse for a man to come back to you?

Pls see a solicitor. It will empower you and scare the bejesus out of them.

Good luck!

You have come very far. It's so predictable as well, OW becomes all paranoid and scared. She knows she knows she has a cheat on her hands and replace the wife....you leave a mistress vacancy.

She also has good reason to "fear" you he hasn't actually tried to break off from you has he in that sense?

A fun, fun life of paranoia and insecurity awaits them both, if he does not come around, best of out of it!

I think it's quite possible he is trying to keep you sweet, keep you onside so that you don't believe he would do anything devious regarding the house and money etc, and so that you don't see a solicitor. He is hiding behind OW rather than let you see his true colours. If he really did care about your feelings solost he wouldn't be telling you the things she says, he would be defending you to her and you wouldn't be being dragged into it at all. I think he is manipulating you. By telling you of their problems he is playing you, he is playing the victim. It makes me wonder what he is telling other woman about you. You really cannot trust this man at all.

Sounds to me like he's sensing your detachment and is trying to suck you back in with what he thinks you want to hear, i.e. trouble in paradise.

Now stop for a minute and think about why he would do this. Is he inviting you to resume your usual doormat position and fight for him again, since the new relationship is less rosy? If so, it's all about him, you are merely a bit player in his ego-drama.

BB is probably mental because he is constantly talking about you and how guilty he feels, etc. She has probably unconsciously picked up the competition vibe and will be bad mouthing you constantly, ensuring that she is the winner in the battle for his luurve. I'm sure he has probably intentionally told her that he still has feelings for you, to get more attention from her. He's a sick man.

BB wants your children because she is threatened by you and your unique relationship with your ex-tosser. She knows that she can't compete so wants to join in. Again, nothing to do with the welfare of the kids whose life she has assisted in destroying, but all about her competing with you.

Get the lawyer, sort out the money, get your solicitor to specify no contact from either of them, all contact should be through solicitors. Then eventually let your kids go and stay with them. A few nights with bewildered, demanding, mummy-missing children will piss all over her cornflakes, especially if she has none of her own. Do not underestimate how hard and stressful it is looking after someone elses children, and trying to look good while doing it. She won't be able to complain to ex-bastard as she will be trying to prove to him how good she is with kids. Oh the pathos.

Sorry for the essay, you probably think I'm talking shite but you seem to be so lovely while your shape-shifting ex-bastard and the insecure BB are such a living cliche that it can only end in tears. Though not yours. You'll be one of these wonderful women who move on to an even better life and look back at their ex with a shudder of horror and relief that he is gone.

Agree 100% with Katiescarlett's last para!!

What about the rest msboogie? I never do long threads, ever.

Come on, I'm all needy and insecure now....

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Its like having a bunch of clairvoyants helping me through! Seriously, am so sad he is following the 'standard cheaters script'. Do any of them ever come to their senses? Do any of them ever express any remorse regardless of the outcome?

VAGABOND: He is spineless isnt he. And I am so sad about that, he never used to be. That this is the man my children now have as a father, he is supposed to be their role model for christ sakes - and what kind of role model is he now?

EMMYLOULOU: You are right, at the moment I feel MUCH better out of it. If he were to knock on the door right now and ask to come back, the answer would be NO!

TIMEFORME: Not sure whether he is trying to keep me sweet, think he is trying to, well am not sure really, maybe you are right. Sometimes it feels like he is trying to make amends - not to come back, he has said to me he has hurt me so much he feels he needs to 'try and make things right as best he can' but maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part that what he says is true. I always am of the opinion, actions not words.

KATIESCARLETT: You are right, he has told me has always maintained he still loves me when she asks him and he always will but just not in the same way he loves her. And tbh as the OW (not that I would ever go there) I would find that impossible to live with. Think she sees this as a challenge. Am determined not to get sucked into their 'triangle' again - been there, done that. It seems to me that their relationship thrives on the drama they create about our situation here. Don't think you are talking shite incidently, you speak a lot of sense. Thanks for taking time to post.

I think mrsboogie means that your whole post is good, but the last paragraph is especially inspirational and worthy of framing. She's right, too.

Thank you for indulging my neediness, ladies. Solist is the woman I would like to be if, god forbid, DH turns into a knob overnight.

Solist they probably have nothing in common and need your input and attention to give them a joint project and something to talk about.

Cut off their supply.

KATIESCARLETT: Right again, they have nothing in common, she has a penchant for caravanning holidays (with parents), craft fairs and pints of strong larger - no offence to any caravan dwelling, craft fair attending pint swilling MN'ers! All the things he previously hated! Not sure what's happened there. He also told me once that when he see's her parents she makes him dress in a 'conservative' way ie. jeans with shoes, v-neck sweater with formal shirt etc. Was always a t-shirt, jeans and trainer guy when he was here. What's that all about then? Supply incidently, well and truely cut off!

So she's trying to show him off as something he's not to her parents? Gosh, you'd think she has something to be ashamed of. Will shoes and a nice jumper make up for the fact that their precious caravanning daughter has shacked up with someone elses husband? I think not. They are living in la la land.

Be prepared for him to increase his attentions to you in the short term. Can't have BB feeling too secure, can he? She might get complacent and cool it with the endless BJ's and constant attention. Or God forbid, look at him once the drama has worn off and think "I fought for this!!!!!????".

KATIESCARLETT: Thats not the half of it. Spoke to her mum - way back, 1st week I found out and apparently, they all knew all along - she could'nt wait to spill and are merrily telling all her relli's that he was separated 2 YEARS ago before she met him!

Oh, did you enlighten them?

Two months, two years, what does a label matter