Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

I'm saying what I'd say to a good friend. This is not a nice man. Shags other woman, leaves wife and kids, keeps OW and wife on the go at the same time. How does OW feel about OP's long, chats with his estranged wife, btw?

He's a shyster. Might not sound supportive, but it's the best advice I can give.

EMMYLOULOU: Please do not take offence, I am not blanking you or ignoring your posts HONESTLY. Just trying to sort out 5 kids, 3 DCS (2 sleepovers!) and answer posts between numerous bedtime dramas. I have taken on board what you and numerous other posters have written and DO appreciate EVERYONE who takes time to share their experiences/give their advice. Believe me, my head is not stuck in the sand, as I have said earlier I am considering a solicitor which is a major step for me. The thing is, this is all new to me, have never needed a solicitor before and quite frankly all this 'sorting financial stuff' is scary. I probably come across as being completely pathetic but I have never had to deal with financial stuff before - left it all to H, this is all new to me. Sorry you feel you have to leave this thread, I have has said earlier I do appreciate ALL comments however harsh and apologise if I have offended you in some way?

YOUNGBLOWFISH: Thanks for your comments, I do see where you're coming from and as I said in a previous post I have pointed this fact out to H, his response was that he knows how much he's hurt me and will do everything he can to make sure we are financially ok. But I also see that might change, I will see a solicitor. And you are right about him (trying) to use me as an emotional crutch, I have stopped taking his calls. Thanks for your support x

BOOTIFUL BERNIE: I see where you're coming from, when I read back can see exactly why you 'said' what you 'said'!. I know I come across as pathetic at times but this is so difficult for me, am still coming to terms with my 'new reality' and am really trying but do have 'relapses' from time to time. Am grateful to MN'ers for a virtual 'slap' when that happens!

It is scary solost, there is no doubt about it, you are stepping outside your comfort zone and into the unknown but trust me, once you have done it you will feel much better.

I can understand that it may be your fear of the unknown that stops you from being more assertive, it would be much easier all round if this were just to go away and everything get back to normal. Unfortunately, it seems that isn't going to happen so you do have to protect yourself. Seeing a solicitor can't do you any harm at all.

You are a brave woman! Three Dc's and 2 sleepovers!! Oh my!!

MSBOOGIE: Thanks for your support. I really do consider all advice given to me. I am beginning to believe you are right, and OW's 4 bed house is beginning to look like some kind of veiled threat - not sure why? Am going to speak to H tommorrow re: seeing a solicitor and getting finances down on paper. Really don't want to do this behind his back, I know how he has behaved but refuse to sink to that level. Didn't mean to offend anyone with my 'dithering' but apparently I have, not intentional!

Solost you are not pathetic, you are coming to terms with everything that has happened to you and working your way through a whole host of emotions. It is early days for you and you are doing just fine. You are allowed a blip as long as you get back on track.

It's also early days for your H and all his promises could well be borne out of guilt so I am pleased you are going to see a solicitor. Once the guilt wears off who knows what he will do!

www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

TIMEFORME: It IS scary, REALLY, REALLY, scary if you want to know the truth. And I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!!!! - this was'nt how my life was supposed to be!, I have'nt asked for any of this!!! There. I said it. Expect a 'flaming'? (is that the right word) - am not really up on MN ettiquette! But deep down, I know you are right, all of you. Have made so many steps into the unknown these last three months and I am usually an assertive person, probably too assertive. But this has knocked my confidence, big time. Am questioning everything and again I know you are right, part of me does want everthing to go away, but I know its not going to? And part of me does hope, that H will do the right thing, but theres no guarantee of that either, I know that too. I am going to see a solicitor but don't even know how to go about that either! I will sort it though. And as for the sleepover, 3 DC's and 2 - piece of cake! - compared to last three months!! Don't need much sleep these days anyway! Tbh. like having the house full of kidz, when H was here, he used to get really grumpy coming home from work to a house-full but you know what, I kind of like it, the happy chaos, the house seems more alive, more happy these days. x

Solo - good for you. You are beginning the incredibly difficult task of taking some control over your life back. You will desire his contact and you will want to trust him. The hardest part of all this is seeing that splitting up a family is a legal (business) deal not an emotional one. Even when you 'know' it it is hard to feel it .

Sleep well - if the noisy kids let you! x

Nobody should take offence, Solost (I don't think anyone meant it that way). It's just that everyone is concerned about you, and I think sometimes panic if it looks like you're going to make a decision that will not serve you well. Many have learned their lesson through experience and would like to spare you the same anguish they went through! It has to start with you opening your eyes to what your H is doing and learning not to be trusting (); that's crucial and it's no wonder so many have been emphatic about it. What you do with the knowledge in practical terms, well, it's always your choice obviously as it's your life, but there's been some great (and for the most part very consistent) advice on here which I believe you'd do well to follow. Anyone who's been through it, though, will understand that you have to take things at your own pace and play it as you see it (to mix a few metaphors). Meanwhile, as you point out, you have everyday concerns to deal with and children to keep happy. Nobody expects it to be easy!

Solost have just read your full thread and just wanted to say that you absolutely do NOT come across as pathetic.

You come across as a strong, brave, intelligent, caring, sensible, loving woman and I have lots of respect for you.

The way you are behaving with your in-laws is admirable. You are clearly also a fantastic mother.

Well done on deciding to seek legal advice, I think this is absolutely the right next step for you.

Hope I don't sound like some gushing idiot, I just could not read your thread and not post something.

Solost, I don't think you have offended anyone. One way or another, you have bigger fish to fry and a sleepover going on in the background! You are going through something very painful and difficult through no fault of your own. It is terribly unfair, but you know that already.

The reason why the 4 bedroom house seems like a threat is because this is your H's shitty, concealed way of saying that he is planning a future with the OW. Again, I think he wants you to think it is all her doing, he also already pointed out how she wants your life, your security. You also worked out that the maintenance on such a big property will be their joint responsibility. You are not naive. And he is not just some sort of pushover in the whole drama, is he? For all you know, her plans are his plans now. Otherwise, what would be the point of you knowing about them?

I can really understand how you feel about your finances. My DH earns 4 times more than I do and he takes care of most of our financial matters. If I all of a sudden had to deal with getting it all under control myself, my instinct would be to scream and run. But I am afraid your H really leaves you little choice in the matter.

On a slightly more positive note, is there any way you could get some time just to yourself? Leave the kids with GPs for an afternoon, meet an understanding friend for a coffee, consider your options? It seems you hardly have the time or the space to process all the stuff that is going on around you, and with three DCs and your work, I can't believe you have too much time to reflect. I just hope you have some support in RL.

For the time being, have a hug.

DONTDISSTHETEENS: Thank you, thats exactly how I feel. Sleep well? not a chance!! Don't think am gonna bother even going to bed! x

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: I understand, I also understand that sometimes I may appear to be 'disregarding' posters advice but I would like to stress, I read and digest everything that everyones posts and do REALLY appreciate EVERYONE taking time to post. I know deep down you are all right, I know really what I need to do, but you are right, I need to do this in my own time. Thanks for your consistently wise posts and for 'sticking with me'. x

FANJOKAZOOIE: Awww thanks - you just made my night! Do not sound like a gushing idiot at all. x

I understand Solost, totally. I wonder if you want all this to stop and go away more than you actually want your H back? Fear of the unknown often has us yearning for familiarity no matter how bad it is. But you know, you are going to be just fine, you really are. Seeing a solicitor doesn't stop you hoping your H will come to his senses and it won't stop you and him getting back together if that's what you want. What it does do is ensure you are in the know, that you are protected and it shows him and the OW that you are no pushover, that YOU are in control of your life, not them! It might just be the jolt your H needs.

I'm pleased you are having a nice evening, it's nice to be able to do things you enjoy without it being spoiled by a grumpy H. Embrace it!!

Re the solicitor: check for local practices that specialise in family law, pick out three or so that you like the sound of, ring them up and find out if they do a free or reduced-price initial consultation. Ideally they should be members of Resolution. Cost may be a factor, but bear in mind that expensive doesn't necessarily mean good. The important thing is to find one who you are comfortable with. You want someone who is on your side.

Remember, this is just fact finding at the moment. It does not commit you to anything. It is really, really worth knowing what your rights are and what you might expect to happen if the worst comes to the worst. By being prepared you may even be able to stave off the worst.

YOUNGBLOWFISH: I am going to sort out a solicitor, as it has been pointed out, I need to be prepared. I do need some time out I think, will hand over kidz to GP's and take some. Up til now I have immersed myself in being as busy as possible, it takes my mind off things, haven't really wanted to think about my future etc. But thanks to you persistent buggers!! on MN I realise I do need to take some time out and reflect. I look back over this thread and see how far I have come even in the last two weeks and am eternally grateful to you all for that. Thanks for the hug x

TIMEFORME: Thank you for your wise words. Am embracing the madness!!!! - How many bed swaps are there gonna be before they settle down?!!!

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Thanks for the practical advice. Is much appreciated. Believe it or not, none of my friends have ever been through anything like this! I'm the first!! bit of a novelty I think. So there's no advice in RL re: solicitors etc. It helps to think of it as a 'fact finding' exercise, makes it seem a little less scary - thanks x

solost, I do not think you are pathetic AT ALL. You have done nothing wrong!

I think your husband is behaving in an outrageously callous and childish way, that is all, and I don't think you can put this down to 'guilt' or 'confusion' etc. It must run deeper than that. Good men do not act this way.

Solost, just to reiterate what someone else posted, that seeing a solicitor does not mean it all ends in divorce, indeed I think on another thread someone said avoid a solicitor that automatically goes down the divorce root as a first resort. What you need now is good legal advice on your options.

FWIW my DH's OW pressurised him into seeing a solicitor because she wanted their relationship on a legitimate footing etc so I wouldn't be surprised if your H hasn't already got legal advice. I actually found the letter from my DH's solicitor after we got back together - couldn't quite believe the lies that were said about me (his solicitor suggested he could divorce me for MY unreasonable behaviour although I could counter claim for his adultery . At the time my DH actually believed everything that was said etc.

I think the poster Happywoman actually got as far as issuing divorce papers but still got back with her husband. It's about you taking control of your life, not letting them call the shots.

Hope you got some sleep last night

Their long-term planning (4 bed house) shows that they are looking to the future and planning on having the children living with them for a substantial amount of the time. She probably does want your life, but no doubt that would suit him too, as then life would go on pretty much as before, with his kids around him but with the shiney new bauble of the other woman. No matter how much he dresses it up as her ideas when he talks to you, can you imagine for one moment that when they are chatting and planning together, he isn't wholeheartedly agreeing to everything she says?

Whatever he writes on paper is not going to stand up in law when it comes to finalising finance and CSA etc, so there can't really be any point in you holding off on getting advice whilst you wait for it.

Please get the advice you need as soon as you possibly can, and please don't tell him first. What would be the point in telling him beforehand just for him to try to talk you out of it. Much better to tell him afterwards, show him that you are acting independently and in yours and your children's interests only.

Solost, I've been following your thread but haven't posted yet. You sound as if you are doing a fantastic job of holding family life together, and I'm sure your children appreciate everything you do for them.

Though I haven't been in your position, the posts from those who have seem to be unanimous in suggesting you act urgently to protect the financial/ housing security of you and your children. This is about more than your relationship with their father; you now have to assume that you could end up being wholly responsible for their care. No matter how much your ex says he loves the children, no matter how often he visits, he has proved that he was completely willing to ditch their happiness and security for the sake of sex with another woman. However good a father you think he is, he has already shown you all that the welfare of the children ranks as a lower priority than the desires of him and his other woman.

I think that you probably need to act fairly promptly about telling the children- it should come from both of you together. Another poster suggested saying that Daddy has left because he wants to live with another woman who he prefers to Mummy, which is honest, and detailed enough for children. However, it's very likely that they'll ask why he doesn't love them enough to stay, or something similar. Your ex has to man up and take responsibility for answering this- he owes them this. Don't allow him to shirk this and leave you to try to explain, and don't let him and OW trot out some fairy story. For the children's sake you need to take control of this one.

As somebody else pointed out, the OW has no interest in caring for your children- if she was at all concerned about their welfare she wouldn't have started an affair with their father. They are her meal ticket- the more access Ex and OW have to the children, the more money they get to keep. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you deny the children access to their father, just warning that you need to be very careful what you agree to. They have a 4-bed house to buy, don't forget- they won't want to be paying for you and the children to remain securely housed and maintained.

Seeing a solicitor promptly would be wise- you don't have to tell ex that you're doing it (and what on earth do you owe him in terms of honesty anyway?). I understand that you don't want to antagonise ex while terms remain apparently friendly. However, you need to consider two things here. One is that you cannot rely on your ex to put the best interests of you and their children first, because he has already proved that he is not willing to do this. Secondly, he and OW have probably already sought legal advice. They might well be discussing how much longer they can keep you sweet and delude you that things are civil before doing their best to take as much money and security out of your marriage as they possibly can.

As an aside- before I read your username capitalised your name as SoLost, I was reading it as Solo St, as in somebody walking a new road with newly-found independence. I wish you the best of luck.

JOANNE34: Thanks for the link - have read and digested!

Hi SoLost - have just been catching up on developments and wanted to highlight this:
"Apparently him and OW had a big bust up re 'issues with DC's' - she is now saying she feels H is not committed full time to their relationship until the DC's know all about her and that she doesn't want to be on the 'sidelines' anymore."

It's a good thing that you said "apparently" at the beginning of this sentence because it isn't necessarily true. Of course it might be the case that she is pulling all the strings; but on the other hand, he could just be putting all the blame on her for what HE wants to happen. So much easier for him to blame the unseen partner for things - that way he can sympathise with your feelings about it, say "I know, I know, but it's hard for me, what can I do?" Rather than having to stand up and be counted and say "look, she's my partner now, I want her to meet the DC".

He would rather you think he is a spineless twat who is being led around by the balls by another woman, than that you think he is a complete and utter bastard who chose to hurt you and his family all of his own accord. Either way, he comes out of it looking like an utter loser - and one day you'll appreciate being free of him.

I also would say that, if it is true that she is forcing the issue with seeing the DC, then it is equally likely she is forcing your H to see a solicitor, which he may have already done.

So - no, do NOT tell him you are seeking legal advice, just DO it anyway and find out your rights, your options and your potential routes forward. So when he says "by the way I've spoken to a solicitor and blah blah..." you can say "Yes, so have I and fuck off with your blah blah, this is what is going to happen". Scouting motto: Be Prepared. Or if you prefer, the 7Ps - Prior Preparation and Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance - you want to be ready for him, not by every new low that he sinks to (as I was).

Keep going, you are doing marvellously well!

SCAREDOFCOWS: Thanks for your advice, my thoughts exactly. And I am going to get some legal advice.

INTERTIA: Thanks for taking time to comment. When we do tell the DC's I will use the line you suggested, think it is simple enough for them to understand and to the point. As for your comment about my username, I never looked at it like that! I suppose that is me Solo St, sounds much more positive doesn't it. Thanks again x

THUMBWITCH: Thanks mate! - hope you don't mind me calling you that! I can always rely on you not to 'sugar the pill' so to speak and for that I am grateful! Well heres the update so far.... He came today, took the DC's out for the day and when they came back I asked him about signing re: the mortgage, and..... he backpedalled like you would never believe! wouldn't have believed it myself unless I had seen it myself! Said he had told OW - why???? and she had made him PROMISE not to sign ANYTHING??? I did point out to him that he did offer to do this no strings and it was I who told him not to bother originally but now? He wrote out what he said he would re: promising to pay the mortgage etc. then said he would like to give it some thought and PROMISED? to sign it on Monday? Don't hold out much hope do you? Seems you were all right all along - was so hoping you would'nt be. Now am DEFINATELY seeing a solicitor - as soon as possible.

hmmm..well we'll none of us be surprised come Monday when he announces that OW "won't let" him sign anything, although how they will try to elide that with their avowed concern for the children will be interesting.

What kind of woman takes up with a married man then insists he doesn't sign anything that might provide security for his children. Do such women exist?

Was he always so spineless SoLost?

Whether it's her pulling the strings or him pretending she is because he is too cowardly to face up they really sound like they deserve each other!

onwards (to the solicitors) and upwards SoLost!

BOOTIFULBERNIE: Thanks, I think I am beginning to see that you are right. But it is still hard, he was such a good man, what happens to these H's? for all those years he never put a foot wrong then all this, its like he's had a personality/morals transplant!

COUNTINGTO10: Thanks, its still seems scary seeking legal advice but I know I am gonna have to do it. Is helpful to know that people have done this and still found a way back. You are right, OW researched divorce before H told me about them so she has probably sought legal advice. Think all this stuff is properly unnearving him though. May concentrate his mind a little. Got about 2 hours sleep last nite by the way - thanks for asking!

MSBOOGIE: You are right, what kind of woman puts a block on her married man signing to protect the DC's? No he never used to be so spineless, am not sure what has happened to be honest? seems he can't even fart these days without getting permission first. Is that a happy relationship? Would'nt be something I'd be looking for tbh. Was never like that when he lived here. Sent him a text last nite asking him to let me know what time he was coming and whether he was still gonna come (it was snowing quite heavily here). Apparently they were in the pub, and she snatched the phone out of his hand, read the text and deleted it in front of him. Not sure why he told me this? but really, is that normal?