Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

I can really recommend not physically handing over the dc to him. I have not been in your position with OW but I have struggled to detach from a partner before. I read a book at that time someone recommended (can't remember the title now! but followed the advice), and I was lucky, I had someone to hand over the dc for seven weeks when he left. I decided I needed to do this as I was finding it so hard to have to keep seeing him, the emotional turmoil it created in me......

I will have to go through this again now but this time I don't think practically I will have the support in RL to be able to have a withdrawal period from him - which is a great shame for me, because I know this will help my recovery at that time.

I am glad that you are feeling a bit stronger. Regarding finances, my experience is that the financial security period will not last forever, as others have said, and, this is from my experience, it could get very nasty after a while because he will, ultimately, be thinking about what suits him financially. That is why it is in your best interests to find out your position financially because when you are in a position where he is able to call the shots, worry you purposely financially and make you feel more vulnerable, this will not help you to get stronger.

I have been in the position where, I did not seek any legal advice, and he started being controlling with finances, adding hugely to my vulnerabilities at the time, and, I ended up greatly weakened by the worry of it all. There were other additional money worries at the time as well, and, the stress on me became worse and worse. I just left myself totally at his mercy because I just kept hoping he would come back.

But now I have to go through it all again.

Solost - the advice on here as always is brilliant, I hope you are getting encouragement that things will get better and you will be able to deal with H more effectively, to minimise your own hurt.

I wanted to add to a few points already made.

AF mentioned the promises he made wrt to keeping you financially secure. My H has also said this. Like you I am totally dependent on my H financially, I work low paid part time hours. I have done so for 20 years since my children were born. A joint choice that I looked after the children, no childcare issues. But I have not developed my own career, even though I have a degree, I am now a 46 year old and would be competing with more highly skilled younger candidates. Those promises have been made by a less than honourable man, my H who I would have trusted 100% at one time, is no longer the same man. He was and is capable of great deceit. I would tread very carefully.

WWIFN mentioned getting the house key back. My H still has a house key. I have told him it is no longer his home, but mine and that he should respect my privacy, but he refuses to give the key up. However, he tells me he has never been in the house without my knowledge. Again he was once trustworthy and has proved to be a liar. SO how do I know if he lies about the house too.

We are currently sorting the financial arrangements through the solicitors. Mine is confident I will be comfortable. My H is a six figure salary earner. But this doesn't make it any easier for me to feel secure. I am having to fight hard. He has opened new bank accounts, and not told me, he has stopped paying his wages into the joint account without telling me, I have to ask for money, I asked for an interim agreement, he told his solicitor it wasn't necessary. Again this most loyal and honest man is proving that being embroiled in an affair with an OW that I have no knowledge of or her character, has changed into a person I do not know.

It is all very scary, but I have tremendous support from friends and family, and a lovely new man. SO I feel lucky and hopeful for a better future.

Partytime - change your locks. You can claim you lost your keys and the police advised you to change them.

yes, PT, tell a fib you lost your keys and when they don't "turn up" you get the locks changed

and don't give him a new key

if he doesn't come in when you are not there, he doesn't need a key does he ?

Solost, let him go through the solicitor to get the financial arrangement sorted, he maybe wants to do this as he maybe has an idea that the ow will have something to say about it eventually and he can use the fact that its through a solicitor not to stop or reduce payments to you.

Solost, please go and get some independent advice, for now your H has made his choice - the OW and you should plan accordingly. She has her own plans and agenda - a 4 bedroomed house . My DH's ow started looking at 5 bedroomed properties to rent as she had "tentatively" suggested to him that he should go for custody of the DC.

You need to protect yourself and the DC, as soon as I found out my DH was with OW, his stuff was in bin bags, his door key returned and I saw a solicitor in the space of 2 days. He had played me for a fool and I was soooo angry, I was determined to take ultimate control. It really shocked him .

Good luck.

OP, you mustn't keep having the faith that he will be a 'good man'. He hasn't been. And you mustn't keep expecting that he will continue to be a good, caring man financially now either. Money turns things really nasty (just my experience), and, if he is in a position to control things, and if he is of that nature (really hope not for your sake), then, you will be in for a rough ride.

Maybe he is keeping his options open with being 'financially co-operative' at present with you. And things change with all that once you take a bit of control, and he cannot keep his foot in the door with you. But, he has physically gone, and that gives you a great chance of getting some control in your situation.

Moving on from what countingto10 has suggested, some ow want the children and the money that comes with them, as if they have the children he does not have to pay child and spousal support, and the house has to be sold!

As someone said earlier in this thread, she may want your life!

Mummiehunnie: I am sure she wants my life. H even said to me once that, she is jealous of what I have, the kids, the house, being financially secure, having someone to look after me. Too right she wants my life, but as a 'career woman' obviously full time kids are not really an option for her!

Spoke to H today, rang and rang and I did ignore his call, then sent a text saying he needed to speak to me - so I called him. Apparently him and OW had a big bust up re 'issues with DC's' - she is now saying she feels H is not committed full time to their relationship until the DC's know all about her and that she doesn't want to be on the 'sidelines' anymore. I reiterated that I felt that issue was nothing to do with her and what and when I tell DC's would be between myself and H. Then told him I refused to take any further part in their 'drama' and ended the call. Did I do the right thing? Dont know when she is going to let up on this. Feel like telling him to stay away from the kids - but know this is wrong. Not sure why he keeps pushing this?

THEITTLESTKIWI: Thanks for posting, I have taken your comments on board and am seriously considering seeing a solicitor.

ANYFUCKER: Thanks! I made exactly that point to him when he said he would look after me financially - re wedding vows. He said he understood my feelings and that was WHY he would always make sure I was financially secure, in fact he said the house was mine (obviously when the mortgage is paid off!!). He didn't want a penny. But I do take your point. H did offer to put all this in writing and I am going to take him up on that.

THUMBWITCH: I do take your point, thanks for posting. As I said to ANYFUCKER, I think I will take him up on his offer to put in writing his financial obligations to me.

You did the right thing, DC's feelings and needs come before hers and her need for accpetance. She is just a needy, emotional mentalist.

I think you MUST now get legal advice, this is the beginning of it getting nasty, mark my words. He will need to do more and more to prove himself to her, your and dc's needs will be last.

WWIFN: I appreciate your advice as usual! Re the handover, H parents are distraught about what has happened and he is too ashamed to show his face there anyway! They have only spoken on the phone since he left. So don't think the handover there would work out. He does usually take the out for the day so I don't really have much contact anyway. Re the key, feel a bit uncomfortable about asking for it back - he doesn't use it tba but not sure why, doesnt feel right asking for it back atm? Am seriously considering the legal advice though, do you think I should tell H that I am going to do it?

GARDENGLORY: Thank for taking time to post and share your experence. The posters experiences re: finances do not make comfortable reading! Thought H would be fine with all that side of things but after reading this thread am not so sure now!

PARTYTIME: Thanks for sharing your experience. You are right about the man I trusted 100%, has not let me down yet re: finances BUT the response from other posters re: the future do not look good do they? I would have blindly believed everything would be OK had I not read all of your experiences. Now am going to tread more carefully. Thank you.

TRAPPEDINSUBURBIA: Am going to do just that. Call his bluff so to speak. Am going to ask that his financial commitment is put in writing.

COUNTINGTO10: You are right, am very uneasy about the 4 bed house for various reasons. One is the fact that although H says it will be in her name only and she can afford it on her own, one they are in there and there's furniture to buy etc. that she will put pressure on him to contribute. Your suggestion re: custody of the DC's - have never thought of that but now am! Thanks for putting a new perspective on the situation.

Solost I'm going to make my point once more in the hope it sinks in.

It's blunt but I think it needs to be said.

You are dithering, you are stalling on this it WILL cost you dear. Don't tell him, just do it, let the solicitors letter land on his door step. Let them both see the financial cost.

Your post after mine shows you are very much still in two minds about legal advice. I know it maybe hard as it's making things more definate and official, you NEED too.

She will make more and more demands of him and YOU will be left high and dry so will the dc's.

He has left you, he is with her, please stop stalling and see a solicitor next week, this is the start of the demands get in there first.

Hi solost. I've been lurking on your thread and do think you are doing really well under the circumstances, none of this can be easy for you.

I can't help but notice how your H rings to tell you what the OW wants regarding the children but he never says what he would like. He seems to be hiding behind her skirts and expecting you to solve their problems by allowing the DC's to meet her. You have told him time and time again how you feel regarding this matter and still he badgers you. You have made it your decision perfectly clear to him, it is now up to him to get this message across to OW without involving you.

As for telling him you are thinking of seeking legal advice no, don't, just do it, just get the advice. You don't need to tell him, not unless you are simply looking for a reaction from him. I think you need to do everything to protect yourself because your H has already proved to you that he isn't the man you thought he was, he has already proved in the most horrible way that you cannot trust him.

TIMEFORME: Hi, you are right have asked him what he thinks but it seems.... when he's with her he agree's with her, when he's with me he agrees with me? and as he's with OW most of the time, thats the way he sways. I am so sick of this tbh, am constantly repeating myself to H over and over again. Have now opted out of the discussion but no doubt it will rear it ugly head again tommorrow. Won't tell him about seeking legal advice but am going to ask him to put in writing his promises re: the house/finances etc, then take that to a solicitor and ask their advice.

In that case the solost a solicitors letter setting out how things are going to be is the way to go. It doesn't sound as though he is going to take charge so you will have to. Maybe the letter from the solicitor could also ask him his intentions regarding the house and finances etc? I just feel that even if he does put all of this in writing to you it will mean nothing if the OW sticks her oar in and influences him, it won't be worth the paper he writes it on!

He sounds pathetic and horrible. Leaves his wife and three kids for the OW, but keeps wifey on the side for long chats about how 'she feels'?

Nasty.

........Got to be honest now then I'll leave your thread as you seem to be blanking me. I don't think all this pandering to your dithering which is what it is, is doing you any good. MN is great but sometimes all this eggshell walking can be counter productive. It's quite frustrating to watch when you really need harsh truths with regards to your legal vunerabilites and risks.

Stick you head in the sand all you like and ignore my posts all you like. Fact is he is taking you for a ride, he has left you for her, turns up when he likes and continues to keep you on the side and you let him. She is getting further in and more outrageous with her demands. You are putting yourself in a vunerable position legally and financially by waiting, and being too trusting of a man who has cheated on you and lied to you and left you for someone else, best of luck. You'll need it

Oh blimey. You have had all the sensible advice so I am going to say how predictably mental OW's latest wobbler is. She tried to take over his role so that you would have to deal with her and that didn't work. All of her attempts to legitimise herself as "step mummy" have so far come to nought. So it is tantrum time again.

Having failed at this, she may look for other avenues to provide the status or control she clearly so desperately desires - and one of these could be financial - so why not seek legal advice and if you can get something signed up before she can manipulate the situation to your and the childrens' disadvantage.

Oh for God's sake! solost is here for advice and support not to follow our instructions.

Solost, I have been lurking on this thread for a while and am amazed at your strength and at the wonderful advice you received. Please, please, please listen to others regarding finances, I am a little scared you are not seeing just how vulnerable you are by letting your H be in control of your and your DCs future financially. It can all end very badly unless you protect yourself. I know you probably still think you can trust him and that the financial nastiness during divorce just happens to others. I bet you thought the same way about infidelity? I am not in any way blaming you for trusting your H in the first place, but now that he has shown the deceit he is capable of, you need to be very careful. As somebody once wrote on NM, when people show you just what they are capable of, believe them the first time!

Regarding the continuing saga concerning the OW and DCs, I feel angry for you. Your H is trying to pull you into their drama, which has been said before. Think about it that way: let us say I am your close friend, who has been cheated on and dumped for someone else. I tell you my exP keeps phoning me to discuss the issues within his new relationship. I listen to him (therefore sending out the signal that I am understanding and prepared to give him the time of day despite his treatment of me) and offer understanding merely by being there! His own parents have not seen him since he has left me, as they find his behaviour shameful and appalling. Yet I am still on the other end of the phone, offering my time and sympathy to a man, who is either completely spineless or extremely manipulative. What would your advice to me be?

Let me put it this way: at the moment your H has you and the OW exactly where he wants both of you. It really is up to you to decide whether you are happy with that arrangement and inform him of your decision through a change in your behaviour. Don't let him use you as an emotional crutch, I think we can safely say he lost the right to your emotional support by leaving you and your family. Your supportive attitude won't win him back - it will reassure him instead that he can have his cake and eat it.

Wishing you the very best of luck and lots and lots of strength xxx