Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Men who leave for ow not be mean financially, you must be joking, if he is not mean she will give him a hard time and he will have left his family for nothing, they will cling on to ow harder than they would have their first family to prove something to people, hence why when the drama and lust has worn off they regret it, they know they made a mistake, they don't tell ow or ex wife though in a lot of cases, they share that info with therapists!

AF - I think there have been a couple of posts that might have been a touch too blunt, yes, and I hope that SoLost hasn't retreated from the thread because of them. But most of the posts have been very helpful, and even the blunt ones will be very helpful when the OP is less emotional about it all.

Mummiehunnie is right - because we don't see the reaction to what we are typing, we aren't able to do what we would in RL, which is apologise for upsetting, backtrack a bit, do a bit of back-patting and hugging, a bit of sympathising in between the hard truths. So the OP is left only with the hard truths, which may be too hard to bear at the moment.

But that doesn't mean that people should stop posting their advice! Sorry, I am not the arbiter of what is right or not to say, just taking from my own experience.

In the end, if someone makes a blunt comment, someone else can come along and say "yes but" and it will moderate the effects.

Thanks, TW, I am listening to what you say and although no-one is the arbiter of threads, I sought your opinion and you gave it in a reasonable way

I think what some people are describing as an addiction to drama might from solost's perspective, be the process of coming to terms of the very sad thing has happened to her marriage.

solost I absolutely apologise if I have been to blunt or harsh in my interpretation of your situation.

I can only comment on what I read and of course what is written can never truely encompass the complexity of ones personal situation.

As I said in my first post I haven't been in your position and whilst I hoped that gave me a certain amount of impartiality, both as an outsider to your proceedings and as someone who carries no preconceived notions of how these matters should/do proceed I do appreciate that I cannot truely know how you feel and that therefore may make my opinions less considered than someone with direct experience.

Look after yourself be strong and ultimately you will end up happier however this works out.

Solost - I am also sorry if my comment was blunt or harsh. It was well-intentioned. All the best to you. We are all rooting (sp?) for you.

Thanks to everyone who posted, I do really appreciate ALL your comments. I don't think you have been too blunt, I am a pretty blunt person in RL and it is one of the things I really appreciate. My friends in RL would never say these things to me - they would'nt want to hurt me, and I do realise I need to hear these things.

EMMYLOULOU: Thank you for your comments, and I apologise for not acknowledging you! Am not sure about the solicitor, H is paying all the bills and mortgage atm, has actually offered to put this in writing through a solicitor if I require, so no worries there atm. The only thing I do think about is OW is apparently looking to buy a 4 bed house? -on her own, with her money and my worry for the future is when the day comes when she does insist H contributes half to that mortgage but for the moment am gonna let him continue to pay, don't want to get 'all legal' just yet.

ANYFUCKER: Am OK today thanks, H came round this evening, was detached, he spent time with DC's then left. Haven't answered any calls from him today.

Good on you solost. You should be proud of yourself.

xx

Soloist. You know you need to be careful. You are vulnerable but not a child. AF is fab. TW is proving to be a true (virtual) friend. Have a huge hug from me. Xxxx

GARDENGLORY: I am a sahm, have a part time job (8 hrs wk, min wage)- pin money really, so am reliant on H's salary.

NANCYDREWROCKED: I agree completely with your post, and in answer to your question re: OW - no, I don't think I would have him back. Think the only way I could have him back now (and not sure even about this) is if he came to me and said it was all a big mistake that he realised he had been infatuated all along, that he didnt want or love her anymore - but thats not gonna happen is it?

MUMMIEHUNNIE: Never thought about being 'addicted to the drama' but suppose I am in a way. Think as someone else posted, its a case of any contact is good contact, but that IS fading now, find it easier and easier to ignore the calls.

ANYFUCKER: Am sure yr scenario is true, but H has PROMISED to make sure we r financially secure and offered to do this legally so for the moment am gonna let it be.

THUMBWITCH: Was exactly like you at first, any little crumb of hope, I knew he had realised his mistake, was on his way back. But now, I realise, I was just being so pathetic really, but ppl who have not been through it, and I really didn't see this coming at all, will never realise what it feels like to have your life completely destroyed so..... dont really know how to articulate it - sorry!

ANYFUCKER,MUMMIEHUNNIE,NANCYDREWROCKED: Don't worry about bluntness, is what is needed atm. Really appreciate all your comments/post blunt or otherwise. Dont get that in RW. I can take it!

ROMNEYMARSH: I'm OK thanks, how are things with you?

MSBOOGIE: Thanks for your comment - it's appreciated x

LIZZABADGER & NANCYDREWROCKED: Not need to appologise - seriously I do appreciate your comments - a little bluntness is what's needed at the mo I think!

DONTDISSTHETEENS: Thanks for the hug, I do feel I have gained a some new friends, this on-line stuff is a completely new experience for me - but then so has the last three months! Thanks again x

Glad you're doing ok, SoLost. Of course, different people appreciate different levels of bluntness so it seems this thread is pitched just right for you, which is brilliant! So glad you're getting so much from it. :)

Solost - I'm so sorry that all this crap is happening to you. It's understandable to want your life to go back to the way it was before.

But please, please see a solicitor. Your OH doesn't have to know. He has not been honourable or trustworthy recently.

I suspect you won't regret having done it, but may really regret not having done it earlier. IYSWIM.

If nothing else go to the csa! that is regular money and they have powers to take his driving licence/passport and take money directly from source, they used to be a shambles, i have been receiving regular payments from two months after i applied for two years now! my ex used to pay voluntarily too, please listen when ow gets claws in the kids loose out!

Solo. Getting legal advice I'd a very good idea. Xx

Is not I'd !!!!!

This is a good thread for solost (wrt to content, not what has actually happened to her). I am glad about that.

Just one thing to remind you of, love

You say he has promised to not fuck you over financially.

ok

He promised to love, cherish and forsake all others during the marriage service

He has trashed that promise. All other "promises" are not to be taken at face value. You would be naive to do that (IMO)

solost, you sound like a lovely person

did I say that already ?

I probably did

Very very good point AF !!!!!!

ooo thanks dontdisstheteens

I have been out for my birthday this evening, so a hug is very timely x

AF - completely agree with you.

Solost - His promises to you now mean nothing - he has thrown over his marriage (the biggest promise one can make?) for the sake of the OW, he is not likely to keep any other promises if she decides she doesn't like them. He IS going to do what makes his life easiest with her - and you will cop the fallout.

Again, a small example from my own experience - my ex promised that we would sell our dream house, that we had only bought the year before. He promised that the OW would not set foot in it. Then he changed his mind. Then he promised that she would not set foot in it while I was still living there - he broke that one too.

Despite being the mother of his children and his life-partner for the last 27 years, you are now at least third in importance, behind himself and the OW. Remembering that will change the way you make decisions and also, I hope, stop you keeping the flame of false hope alive.

Solost Well done for getting back on track and detaching from him when he came round. I'm also pleased that you are welcoming of all responses on your thread and of course you're right, Mumsnetters can be blunter and more honest than your RL friends, who have an investment in you liking them.

I wanted to progress a couple of issues with you that have been mentioned on your thread, but you haven't come back to.

What boundaries can you put in place now regarding his visits to your home and his interactions with the DCs?

It is going to be easier to detach if you are not there during his visits, or if he sees the children on neutral territory. Now, I imagine that you fear if you let him take the DCs out for the day, he will introduce them to the OW or take them there and I imagine he would be too weak to resist any pressure from OW to do that, but could he see the DCs at his parents' house?

This is probably going to bring forward telling the DCs, but I imagine they are already sceptical about what's going on and perhaps have some worries or doubts that something significant has changed in their parents' relationship.

Can you get your key back so that he cannot let himself into your home when he feels like it? As I said upthread, it might be half his house, but it is not his home.

Finally, you absolutely need to get some legal advice, because everyone else is spot-on when they say that his promises to be fair about the money will evaporate in the wind if there is any pressure from the OW and he has already shown you time and time again that he crumples whenever she puts pressure on him.

You also need to become financially independent of him, because that will make it easier to detach. That doesn't mean having to increase your hours or get a new job, it just means formally agreeing money for the DCs and some spousal support to enable you to care for them.

Getting your H to see how this will hit him financially is also yet another way to burst the affair bubble.