All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Karmann lots to do with habit whether its turning right everyday to go to work or whatever ur brain develops pathways that are formed on habit and routine.I found once i broke the habit it got easier more peaceful ,just when i was with him i found very difficult when he saw dcs, but all in all this year has seen me break most of my habits and start a new routine altogether,def more positive for me. Rom he is def keeping his options open ,keepin u hooked in with i love yous.

Maybee sorry to hear your ds is struggling its awful for us as well just keep being loving and encourage him to talk about his friends. Is it possible he is picking up on stuff at home ? I dont know of any books but I am sure they do exist hopefully someone will be along soon with ideas. As to trying to heal before you have actually split I would say thats a big ask and maybe it would be better to focus on just surviving this difficult time and not ask too much from yourself

Rom agree with patience he is messing with your head. Take a step back - how can someone treat their wife in this way if they love them ? Its shattering to accept when you love someone so much and thought you had a wonderful relationship that they didnt feel the same. At some point I think you need to look at what he is doing not saying and withdraw from him in order that you can gain some clarity on the true situation. If after that you want to wait for him to see if things fall apart with his ow then fine but do try and create some distance for now.

Well we have agreed a settlement which I am pleased with and relieved its over although I am holding back until the ink is dry after last time.

Now there will need to be contact about the house sale although hopefully as we will be working to the same ends it will be pleasant.

I havent actually set eyes on xh since early July and feel a bit anxious about seeing him as I feel so over him I would hate seeing him to trigger some kind of setback in my recovery. Historically seeing him has the opposite effect ie he is abrasive etc so hopefully that will still be the case Thinking about it given the regular dc contact I dont quite know how I have managed to avoid him for so long.

For the sake of the dc I would like to try and build a warmer relationship with him. He tried for months to be nice but since July and particularly the Italy holiday with ow I have been mostly hostile and he has understandably given up.

I hope I am ready now to do that thing that everyone aspires to ie living my life well and happily and that my communication with him reflects that. Also I imagine its fed his ego that I am still not over him because he can invoke anything other than neutrality in me when we talk iyswim.

The only slight downer is talking to the estate agent it seems selling the house might have to wait until the new year which he says isnt an ideal time.... I just so want to get out and start my new life but hey its not the end of the world is it

Sorry about the long ramble

Hope everyone has a strong day and new dumplings keep posting and letting the sadness/anger/frustration and heartbreak out on here - it really helps

Last night of course last night on being single and moving forward. Next week is the celebration dinner where you can invite someone along. They burned up things we'd written on paper last night, as a symbolic end to the course.

Last week was on other relationships and children which I found hard but good. Can't believe the course is over.

Will try and catch up later as I need to get DD ready for pre school now.

That was a lovely post Getting. So glad you've settled and are happy with it. When will you see xh ? Do you have to see him ?

Not sure Pink I think there are so many bits to sort out to put house on the market and we need to sort out who is keeping what as he took very little with him when he left.

Also I think it might be better to see him and get on with it rather than it build up because inevitably with the dc being quite young its got to happen some time and I dont want it turning into something bigger or more important than it is iyswim.

I am saving the champers for when we have actually signed on the dotted line but for now its looking good .

How is everyone today ? I hope you are ok LC ?

Oh bugger - i just wrote a long post and when I tried to post it the bloody web page expired. I shall try again.

Went to Doc and am now on AD's. Is it possible that they are working already? I feel quite a lot better. I have stopped feeling as if I will cry all the time. Still finding it hard to be motivated though. I do the bare minimum. I wish I was like some that clean their houses from top to bottom.

I haven't seen H so much recently which has helped. I am finally accepting that it is over. There is no way we will ever work now. He has hurt me so much with his cheating and his lies. I do still hope that he one day comes crawling back on his hands and knees to beg for me to take him back though. We ran our own business together and I miss that too.

Maybee - I know what you mean about keeping it secret. I have kept this to myself for years (i'm a fool). But now we are getting divorced I will have to tell people. My children don't know and I am dreading telling them. I'm also dreading telling my mum.

LC - so sorry you are going through this again. This happened to me too many times. I wish I had finished with him sooner. Maybe we would have stood a better chance then. He just knew he could keep doing it to me.

WQ - good luck with the date. Not sure when you should tell him about your children.

Tea - Your course sounds good. I think i will try to do one too.

Getting - that is good news on your settlement. Hopefully it will all go ahead without any problems and you can crack open the champagne.

Patience - you are so together and give such amazing advice. I love reading your positive posts.

Citydoll - hope you are still feeling good. Your weekend sounded great and very positive.

Hello to everyone else that I have missed. Take care and we must remember that it is their loss.

Doris that you still have the telling people ahead its hard but for me marked a new start and was actually a relief. Also you will then be able to look for support which is so crucial to your recovery .

There will ups and downs but from what you have described of your marriage theres no doubt ultimatley your self esteem will recover and you will be happier - keep going

Thanks Getting

I know you're right. I will be relieved when everyone knows. Then I can move on with their support to help me. I do have moments where I feel quite excited at the idea of moving on without him and being able to decide what I do with my life.

Patience you are absolutely right about habit. The human mind loves patterns and routine which is why they can be so hard to break, it keeps pulling you back into the cycle and it takes a great deal of strength to keep fighting it.

Doris the ADs might not be physically working yet but they could be mentally. That's the power of the mind again. My biggest struggle is with motivation too. I used to be so active but now find it hard to motivate myself to do much at all. Silly thing is, I know if I did the sense of achievement, no matter how small, would lift my spirits. Having said that, I did manage to do my college work today so I'm pleased about that. Only another 3 years of study to go!

Romney - you and I have been in the same boat with the 'I love yous' and we have to break it for our own sanity.

I'm feeling much better today and hope you all are too. I'm glad I don't have to face splitting bits and pieces and selling my house, that must be really hard. He has literally walked away with just the clothes on his back but is still having to pay for me.

And it is definately their loss.

I am new to mumsnet and thought I would add my story as my husband left my son and I a few months ago.

I discovered my DH was a porn/sexline user and sex texting old girlfriend a few months ago. He has always been a heavy drinker, but being what we call a nice man, he was kind, fun, a good father and provider.I thought we really loved each other and had a stable and happy life together for seventeen years. It came out of the blue and hit me like a freight train. I was devastated and heartbroken. Appears he is having an extreme mid life crisis/depression which brought out his rage - just towards me it seems. DH has reverted back to his old lifestyle of twenty years ago and has completely rewritten the history of our marriage. He is living in one room like a student and is in love with his old girlfriend of that time. Two very middle aged crazies - she is on the other side of the world - they are in love... I asked him to stop, but he refused to give her up and has been loyal to her, rather than me throughout. He even texted her that he loved her very much in front of me. It felt like a stab in the heart with a sword. The rejection, abandonment and hostility he has towards me is really dreadful. Initially I thought I would never recover, but really I am.

My stance - DH chose her so she can have him and all of his problems. I am leaving with my son and returning to my home country. Hard as it is to leave my gorgeous friends here in England, I know we will be happier with my family. I am gradually growing stronger every day and know I cannot accept his shabby behaviour. Life where my son and I are going will be happy and fulfilling (and in the sun). As for my friends - they are all racing over to visit!

I wish all others who find themselves in an awful situation like me, all my blessings and good will. We shall prevail.

minmin - what a sad story and very shocking behaviour from your h - is he having therapy? you sound so very very strong and i applaud you for that; you are right we shall prevail (love that !!)

great post patience and karmann about braking habits. this is so very true.

Doris - gad you are feeling better already - the medicine probably has not kicked in yet but it is a great sign that your subconscious s responding well to the thought if them already!

oh god i have had an awful awful afternoon so far - ds1's behaviour has been going really downhill lately and he has been getting angrier and angrier - today he had the worst tantrum i have ever ever seen (he is normally very even tempered so this is out of character) - hitting and punching me. his face looked completely different. i managed to calm him down and he is now sleeping (he is 4). ever since h left his behaviour has got worse and worse and i have been in tears for the past hour as i feel as though h's behaviour has changed my little boy into someone i don't recognise.

i am trying to get through to family support worker locally to see if she has any advice.

So quickly as I must cook!

Minmin. Sorry you had to join us but glad to heaar your story. YOur H does sound classic midlife. MIne has been too - Ive found an MLC forum a huge help -have you any support like that?

Doris - I know the prospect is awful of telling people but you have no idea the relief -and the help that support can bring to you.

Getting -glad good result and hope it gets signed and sealed

K - it is dreadful that they can say I love you and do what they do - clasic crisis too I would say - they almost dont know what they are doing but it stinks

Tea - glad the course was good and you are a ioneer sasling doing it - Im sure others will now!

Patience - love reading your mails of all kinds!

Hugs to everyone else today.

H has been a bit negative in the last week so that has got me down a bit. Also have discovered both DCs have done some not great things at school so got me down too. But luckily we have a great school and the teachers will work with us on the problems.Big important meeting re one of them tomorrow so need to prepare for that too.

WQ i find clear boundaries re behaviour [dont cave because of situation]acceptable/not acceptable stay mega consistent and praise praise praise positive behaviour.Praise calm down part of tantrum "good job calming down"etc.Find out language used at nursery ,big help for me at school a teacher says "we dont lift our hands or feet"so everytime ds 5yo launches towards me in a superhero punch thing i just repeat that calmly .
Re other thread just talk to him as you would any new possible friend ,you arent being sneaky ffs you dont need to explain urself.You have got a week and a bit to big urself up now into proper kick ass love urself type of girl.He is fecking privaledged to know you and you dont take any shit from anyone,you are your own woman a great mum you have achieved so much ,dont dare put urself down ,basic dumpling rule LOVE URSELF and others will follow ,confidence is sexy ,just enjoy and relax.CHIN UP TITS OUT !!!!!

Oh and obviously tell dcs they are much loved,he will be angry no wonder ,i know i was !!!!Angry ,scared,etc etc just create stability as best you can nourish yourself with praise and positivity and create fun times as best as you can for dcs painting play doh glueing glitter etc xxxxxx

Thanks for kind words -

WQ - yes, what a shocking story - all of our friends can't believe the behaviour of my DH because they said that we had the happiest and most admired marriage. Goes to show you don't always know who you are living with. My DH always said he had a dark side - I really didn't understand to what extent until now. He makes every effort to be cruel, nasty and sarcastic towards me, yet lovely to everyone else. He is a stranger - looks the same but a completely different character. He is in therapy and on strong AD, but he said they have not worked as he lacks emotion - except for his love interest and happiness with drinking buddies. It seems he has many deep issues that hark back to his childhood and the to the time he had a relationship with this woman twenty years ago (she dumped him and he obviously has held on to that). I have no idea how they reconnected.

I think the counsellor will be seeing him for a very long time to work through his problems.

Mumfun - no I have not been on any MLC sites - have a couple of really close friends, sister and did see a counsellor around three times - they have been a great support. I know what I have to do - my DH left and is entrenched in his emotional affair. There is nothing I can do about it and believe these types of affairs are the hardest to break. I must leave for to preserve what little good is left in my family and I cannot allow my two sons to think that it is all right to treat women so disrespectfully. It has been really awful, but I am moving forward.

Minmin,empathise with you ALOT although my X never has done therapy ,deosnt want to change thinks he is entitled,but def a stranger to me and def in BONKERSLAND.He is def crashing and burning now but i have jumped out of the situation and started to rebuild my life just me the kids and the dog,,after months of trying to understand it and keep my marriage going,i now know truly the best option for me is to detatch from him completely,he has the right to drink,live in a crazy world and be selfish and hurtful but i dont need to be anywhere near that .

Getting how lovely for you ,i hope this brings you some peace x

MF can you post on the book club ur thoughts on the co dep book .....i thought it referred to codependents of alcoholics quite alot so right up my street but i appreciate its different for everyone ,i just enjoyed the self love bit and about being selfish in a positive way ,as in its ok to say no ,and interesting to watch the people you said yes to b4 and how they react to the new you.In my own life it has been a real eye opener ,these people were acting this way towards me because of there own low self esteem its great to be able to recognise it now.

City hi 5 ,well done on celebrating the positives !!!!!!

In the end they are just blokes ,not gods !!!
Why would we want to stay with someone that hurts us?

Waves to Doris and everyone else on thread xxx

Oh also ,loads of my family dont know my situation [nearly a year ,just didnt mention it just wanted to deal with things myself tbh]so I am going to send out xmas cards on Dec 1st,with my change of address and signed me ,dcs and the dog .

UrbanP - I am sorry your experience has been like mine - your story is my story and it has helped knowing I am not so alone in this. Like you I tried really hard to work and hold on to the marriage, but it just got all the more terrible all the time. The harder I tried the more DH kicked me. Like you, I have admitted defeat -I am tired of bonkersland and heading for the light! As they say, it is like one hand clapping - a relationship cannot succeed if only one person is doing all the work. I am off to rebuild with my kids too - and am getting a dog.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Lost DS beloved comforter yesterday and the only website I've found that stocks the exact item doesn't seem to want to work for me when I order And he's sleeping terribly without it. Gah! I haven't had a chance to catch up on here yet, so this is a selfish me me me post, but hello ladies!

I've tried e-mailing the company, calling them 6 or 7 times but no one answers

Amazon sell similar bunnies but they're too big as his is only 10cm and is a mini kaloo blue rabbit chubby, looks like the one on the right in this photo

No worries but although i used to think i had lost out ,was defeated,all these negative words etc etc ,it really is a gift because we could have been locked in for the rest of our lives and our kids will no longer witness that BONKERS everyday,better to come from a broken home than to live in one ,its when you realise they truly believe their world is normal and we are the bonkers ones There are many many reasons why my X got to this point in his life,but he never chose to seek help he saw it all spiralling out of control but the addict didnt want the self destruct to stop , he wanted all the fun with no responsibilities and can detatch from the consequences.

Ain't that the truth - my DH likes the freedom of no more family and detachment from the consequences. You hit the nail on the head - addict. My DH is addicted to alcohol, porn and now OW in his fantasy world. Unlike him though, I am standing solid in reality and took the decision to remove my youngest (14 year old) because of the impact it is having on him. Better alone than in crisis all the time. My son has really suffered.

I feel sad at the loss of my marriage, but life has a tendency to bring new and positive experiences which I look forward to. One thing life has taught me is that after all the misery and hardship something better always comes along.

Minmin just to say i still cant believe how much he has changed ,i can see traits were there subtely many years ago but its like demons we all have and eventually work thru ,especially when we have kids,most of us dont walk out on our wife and kids to pursue an addiction and/or fantasy,thats the bit i cant believe ,it is so surreal, the man i trusted has pointed all his self hate and doom at me ,but i dont have to stay in that world ,i chose to leave .

I just didnt read the page in the parenting manual that said "At anytime at all you can choose to dump ur kids and go to BONKERSLAND"

I understand these posts might seem uncompassionate re my X ie alcoholism is a disease, but when you have lived with them for years being hurt again and again manipulated and lied to, you see that they are destroying themselves and that they will take you and the kids with them,i dont want my kids to go there ,we have a chance now for a more positive future.Its different to the one i thought i was going to have but for me,different is good.I just didnt see it when i lived with him,i thought the way he treated me was normal ,because he kept telling me it was and made me question my own judgement over and over.

Hello all,
I hope you're all surviving, minmin you've been through the mill but sound v strong and pragamatic- well done stick to them guns! He sounds like a nasty piece of work you are so well shot of him.
WQ i hope things improve with the kids. My 8yr old threw a real mood yesterday which was quite unnerving to watch. it is hellish when you know you cannot protect them from this. Although with lots of love and patience hopefully they will be resilient enough.I'm on the lookout for a good book on how to help kids deal with it all.
tandcake good luck with finding that wee toy.
Its been a month now since I discovered that mmessage bout OW and although I think i'm coping well enough I have a cold icy feeling around my heart. when does that go? I'm finding it a heavy secret just now. a few people know. I'm dreading the news getting out but at the same time it will be a relief.I was awake all night last night so feel a bit ropey today.
good post Patience.
Might be back later.