All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

UrbanP - sorry had to organize dinner for son. Your situation is just like mine and I feel for you - I trusted my DH completely. He made all sorts of promises, commitments, never do it again, so on and so on. All our friends were so shocked - one of his friends even said (female) 'Oh your DH is SOOO nice - they broke the mould after him'. I am at fault here because I perpetuated the myth by telling everyone how wonderful he was and hid the truth of what went on behind closed doors. Alcohol is a nasty disease - it does not only destroy the person but everyone around them. The other stuff are extensions of that addiction. You don't do what my DH did to the person you are supposed to love above everyone else. I realise that now and my priority is to look after my boy and myself. I certainly don't want DH around me anymore. I tried my absolute best and was devoted to him, but he is just a liar and a cheat of the worst kind.

I am leaving, but concerning my DH's dislike that I am going to the otherside of the world, I care not. At least it will be difficult and he can't keep bugging me. At least I wont have him in my face abusing me verbally, emotionally and mentally anymore. It was so bad I thought I was going to have a breakdown. No one is worth that so I made the decision after the nasty love text to his OW in front of me, that was it - he was out the house and I started putting plans in place to leave. Not long now - even my son can't wait to leave. He is so disappointed with his father.

I am glad I posted on MN - UrbanP you have really encouraged me.

Maybee - thank you - he is nasty but he is the OW's nasty now!

Take care all.

Maybee - I am sorry I just noticed the rest of your post. I am sorry that you also have made a horrible discovery. That hard, pressing feeling on your chest will ease with time. It has been almost six months for me and I still have bad days where I will cry - it eases the pressure. There were days when I could not even get out of bed. I have accepted that I will have these bad days and that I need to travel through the tunnel to come out the otherside. I am getting there as the dispair come less frequently now - you will get there also. I kept the secret for some time until I could no longer. Talk to your family or close friends. I could not have managed without mine. They have been so wonderful and supportive. I also have two wonderful boys whose compassion and support has been amazing.

Take care and let others help you.

Hi, all and welcome Minmin, you sound very strong.

Everyone on the dumplings site are wonderfully wise and very supportive. They have helped me so much, I am still very weak but I think I am getting there slowly. I hate feeling so awful and that a man can leave us feeling like this, I think its that we cant believe someone we love so much and trusted could throw it all back at us and behave so badly.

My first DH had an affair and left me, and now my current DH has done the same but left for the OW who is 27 years his junior! Makes me sound really bad that my two longterm relationships have both had affairs and left. I thought I had learned from the failure of my first marriage and gave everything to my 2nd DH so no one could tell me that I didnt do this or that.

But its not about you Rom so dont beat urself up ,its all about them.It is not ur weakness that you loved him that is a gift to love someone faithfully,it is to be admired,our only crime is exactly that ,we fell in love with these guys ,its not our fault that they chose the hedonistic spineless route .You are not weak you are in shock ,the guy you trusted the most in all the world that knew all ur background let you down big styley ,take care of urself enjoy ur reading ,looking 4ward to hearing about the books on the other thread x

In the end they are just blokes not gods.

Very true indeed patience

Min min best of luck with ur move it sounds v positive and liberating!!!
Glad ur working ur way thru it,I never wanted to give up hope with my X but when there is nothing positive left and just disrespect, I thought fuck this.What am i hanging around for?Whatever is ahead of me must be more positive than what what i had in my marriage .I just cant over emphasise the need to be around positive "You are not a victim"kinda people.I guess that is why i didnt share much with my family ,i just couldnt stand the not really helping anyone, oh you poor thing stuff.It just makes me feel worse tbh.Now i am ready to deal with all the folk that might have an opinion ,i am stronger in myself and i have started to move on.
Found these notes i had written about POSITIVITY i spoke to someone one day and i have tried to remember to be this way in my everyday life,it has changed my world.

Write down all the goals i want in my life and start to visualise them.

Change the way i deal with negative people ie dont let it affect me so much .Cut them off if i need to They are emotional vampires and suck out all my positive energies and dump their negativity on me.

Don't re energise past negative thoughts ,just let them go,be free of them and move on.

Negative emotions will just reflect back on me ie if i get angry or shout at someone that bad vibe will just come back on me.Best to stop the reason for the negativity in the first place.

If ur easily hurt by people ,super sensitive then you are emotionally immature re ur reactions,practice all of the above and get out of the conflict of negative people ,only surround urself with people that love you and give you positive vibes.

Dont think EGO eg worrying what others think about you,LOSE THAT !!!!Just aim to heal urself ,nourishing your body and soul and growing self love and self esteem.

Wrote that June this year 6mths into split but still thinking X would see sense.All i know is it really helped me move forwards and think about my behaviour x

Waves to all........

Am struggling to keep up! By time I've read thread I don't have time to post & then when I get back again I've loads more posts to read & then it becomes impossible to try to ans everyone!

Maybee, I looked at all the books available but tbh in my case none of them were suitable due to dc's not having access or 2nd home etc. At 8 you could just make up your own story at bed time that will get message accross to ds. Or you could do something up yourself (or with ds) on computer etc. I found when I was at that stage I had to spend ages talking to my dd (8 at time) & giving her the time to offload her fear, upset, anger etc. I bought her a nice book & got her to start keeping a diary of how she was feeling. I also often got her to paint a pics etc. The emotions changed with my dc's & sometimes they were each expressing different emotions i.e. one sadness & one anger. I think the most important thing I did was gave them my time when I was able. I also did loads of trips to parks, beaches etc so they could physically release emotions. I tried to teach them to release their emotions in healthy ways i.e. kicking the crap out of a beanbag when angry lol. The most important thing of all is to take REALLY good care of yourself because if you're not ok dc's will pick that up & mirror it. Can I ask why your ds is being excluded by his pals??

WQ, I think it's normal for your ds to lash out a bit. I had this with mine too & remember thinking xh's behaviour had ruined my lovely dc's & drained me so much that it was a struggle to deal with. However it's healthy for dc's to express their anger/pain etc & this is just your ds's way. Use the opportunity to teach your ds that it's good to feel anger etc but that we are not allowed lash that out on anyone else. Buy him a beanbag or something similiar (banging a pillow off wall) & get him to release his anger on that. Your ds will be fine & tbh I think it's better to see him like that then if he buried all his feelings & was carrying them inside. Hope your date goes really well & I would wait till you meet to tell him about dc's.

Patience, glad you are still feeling so positive

Rom, the pain will pass, hang in there.

Minm, welcome & I will leave you to our capable & wise Patience . I had the unfortunate experience of xh lashing out all of his vile on me too & blaming me for breaking up our happy home . Xh also had addiction problems which lead to infidelity, violence & much much more. I felt my heart was ripped to shreds & that I'd never recover. However I am now recovered more or less . It was a long haul at times but I am so glad that xh is gone from my life & that he never attempted to resolve things. I can see now that he was always going to be plagued by inner demons & that me & dc's would never had peace living with him.

Mumfun, hope school meeting went ok & that things settle down again for you soon ((Hugs))

Tea, really hope you get sorted with ds's comforter. I had the same with dd's one last year if you recall & I still feel upset when I think about it as I could never find an exact replacement!

Karmann, glad you are feeling a bit better.

Doris, glad you can see that life will continue on & that you can see light at end of tunnel. I used to hold onto hope that xh would come crawling back begging forgiveness too (& I'd have taken him back ) but now I am so so grateful that he never did

Getting, glad you got settlement sorted & agree it's prob time to face xh & build a new co parent friendship if poss

Pink, it is so great to see you in such good humour again. I loved loved your comment about the small willy

Sov, hope you are doing ok.

Happy, hope life is good with you atm.

Well my court date for legal separation is set for beg of Jan . One way or another now things will be resolved by then. I also got a phone call yesterday about something a bit dismal pending financially but despite the facts I have a real good feeling that this bad thing is going to lead to something good for me . I just feel it in my bones & am not getting into the drama of financial insecurity etc. Meanwhile I am enjoying life with Norm, college & dc's etc.

I'm ok, nothing further has happened to set me off. I spent the weekend getting some fresh air and getting out and about so I wouldn't have time to stop and think.

My legs have scabbed over nicely and I have got an appointment with the mental health team today.

The urge I find is overwhelming, its almost like the need to have a cigarette or a craving when you are pregnant. I almost can't concentrate on anything else, its like I want to displace the pain.

I feel pretty pathetic that I am doing this over a man, but I am so heartbroken. I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach most of the time. I just have an empty hollow feeling inside of me.

He is having a holiday in new year with new lady. My thoughts are this: I can't just fuck off on hols as much as I would like too. who would look after kids. And why is automatically assumed I will. Of course I will and am not going to leave them tethered to a lead in the kitchen with food and bowls of water in reach but its not the point.

Sick to my bloody stomach of all of it.

Hi all,

Being quite new to MN - I am shocked and saddened to see so many women in the same position as me. I thought it was just my DH that went bonkers and inflicted such horror on our family. What has happened to men of today? Is it because of the internet, mobile phones or just other women (and men for that matter) have lost any moral code? I am middle aged and when I was a younger single woman, you never went near a man who was married or went out with any other girl's boyfriend.

UrbanP, Romey, and StartingO have all the same story - it is just so awful. The hurt and suffering is still with me but there is no way I would allow my DH to step into my world again. Once I am settled in my new home, I will never look back. I believe, and this is also my second marriage also, that moving on, showing that you are independent, happy and successful is the best revenge. I did that after my first divorce (and it seriously galled my X) and I had a 12 month old baby on my hip as well. Did then, will do even better this time.

Romney - my first DH cheated on me with his secretary. His story was that he didn't mean it, had no intention of leaving me and he thought I would never find out. The OW wrote me a nice long letter after he broke it off - I was eight months pregnant. I left, he sought counselling because I wouldn't take him back. I met this DH six years later - Naturally, he promised all sorts of things - he would NEVER hurt me like that blah, blah, blah. I took the risk and ended up now in this position. We all question ourselves and what we did wrong or was lacking - but I know that I spent seventeen years the backbone of the relationship -loving, caring, forgiving and putting up with all sorts of rubbish unconditionally - but it made no difference. I have also been told that I am no too bad to look at either - but it is nothing to do with us, it is all about our DHs.

UrbanP - thanks for the positive messages. I can see exactly what you are saying. I am this strong after nearly six months - in a year I won't even remember his name.

All the best - and grow. My words of wisdom are - take life by the hand and live each day like it is your last. I learnt that from my mother who has know real hardship and suffering in her life. She is Polish and a survivor of a Stalinist concentration camp in Siberia in WW2 and her brother was left in Nazi occupied Poland. Her goodness, strength and courage (and my dad was not the best husband)has so inspired me all my life. Know that we shall all survive this.

Thats it Min min ,opression and injustice work on many levels and if we have a choice to leave the situation i believe we must ,we have a right to find peace and hapiness,if the gates arent locked ,run free and keep running !!!!

I have been reading the thread since my last post, but just don't seem to be able to contribute anything useful - I want so much to offer support and understanding, but think I am drained. I promise I will do better in the future.

My exDP is definately going to give things another try with his exW. He is retaining his flat and he wants to keep in touch with me. From my reading on MN, I can see that what he is talking about is an EA, so I have told him this and suggested that he needs to think why he needs me around if he's making the right decision. I just wish it was clearer cut and I know I can make it so by just refusing to have any more to do with him. But I've had a shitty year: financial meltdown and breast cancer being the highlights and he has been my primary support throughout. Now that he is going, my fear about those challenges is just flooding in. My boss has just started to get very scratchy with me too. I know he doesn't intend it, but I think he feels I have worn out his goodwill during the cancer treatment (I did work throughout, but it was obviously disruptive). I don't feel that I've had a chance to recover (more emotionally than physically) but again - the exDP was so good at keeping me calm about the whole situation so that is adding to my emotional state.

Sorry for the long and rambling post and thank you all for being here and being a vessel for my outpourings - it really is so appreciated.

I've found a replacement comforter for DS which is arriving tomorrow

I think I have a cold coming as my throat is sore and I'm feeling uber tired but just wanted to swing by and show my face. Had my mum here today and had a hair cut whilst she watched the DCs.

Life is ok here, solicitor reckons I'll be divorced before Christmas as she's just drawing up consent orders. Be nice to start the new year as just plain old me iyswim? New year new me etc.

I haven't had a chance to read this thread properely for several days now So this is a very me me me post, sorry ladies. I will try and have a proper catch up tomorrow. I think I said that last time too though. Sorry

Just keep posting Midnight ,i found it really kept me sane thru my crazy year,hope ur managing some pampering sessions .
Hands up who thought 2010 was going to bring us all of this, eh?So sorry to hear of your health troubles Midnight and hope ur boss mellows out ,maybe the season of goodwill will kick in for him soon .

hello everyone
another person here is who just popping her head in - hope EVERYONE is doing well.

I have divorce workshop tonight so not sure if i will be able to post today but will try and catch up Friday.

shiiit almost forgot to say (i suppose this is a sign of how far i have moved on) that h found out on the grapevine that i have a date and he then proceeded to tell me that he can't stop thinking about me and when the ow was here on her hols he realised no woman would ever match up to me as we had so much history.

you know what all i could think of was you patience and how your x used to tell you that you would always be his missus. and lc i thought about that time when your x wrote you that note with love you on the end and then was kissing your neck. and rom with all the i love yous.

luckily new bloke (he needs a nick name) text me very soon after h left and that distracted me!!!

it is such transparent behaviour.

by the way everyone thanks for your advice about ds1

sending queencat hugs

Just quickly

Waves to all. And

WQ -thats what being on this and my MLC website helped me so much on -knowing what others Hs have done - glad you can see your H in real light. If you decided you wanted to reconcile that is always open to you longer term if you want. But it is good to see his behaviour for what it is. And he has for the moment lost a prize - you!

Starting - glad you have the Jan date to hopefully get over and move forward even more.

Midnight - as Patience said - dont feel you have to contribute as such at the mo

Tea - glad re comforter and as to doivorce - hope it brings the positive new year that you deserve

MInmin yes good ssentiments. yes we will survive this and also we will thrive too longer term

Queen - hope advice on your other thread is helping you

Patience I so agree with people having to be positive and behave well to us to be in our lives. My sister has had a strong letter this week -as she hasnt been loyal enough and has defended very poor behaviour. And she keeps saying Im going to be lonely as Ive mostly cut out our mother, have stopped seeing some friends and am not putting up with poor behaviour from her.

Ive made new friends who are really positive for me, have connected up more with some really positive relatives. They behave more like my parents and siblings now. I said to her and its true its better to be on your own than with people who dont care for you or who treat you badly.

Rant over but I think Im less tolerant too as when you live with someone for some time who isnt positive and good to you like you deserve you arent prepared to put up with that any more in the future.

Chairmum - hope you are well!

Hugs to everyone else going through the mill!

I think its a very rare thing if the grass IS greener where they are standing WQ just daft wee boys tbh that are flattered by the attention.When we split in August and X started texting 21yo he told me to accept it he was moving on[his friend told him he needed to find himself a new woman ],now he tells me he isnt moving on ,so i think that i can safely say 21yo didnt want to hang around a middle aged alcoholic with 2dcs then !Oh dear what mess ,was it all worth it .

Hello everyone

WQ thats wonderful, I know its transparent behaviour but surely you must have got some sense of satisfaction out of hearing h say that I know I would !!

I am behind on everybody so I hope all dumplings are having great day and finding lots of strength and avoiding negative people in their lives !!

I am on a high today thank goodness as last few days of dealing with xh re money have been a bit upsetting. However he rang last night and its finally done to be signed next week hooraaaaay !

Will be back later as I need some dumpling advice about the actual divorce and I might need telling to stop being so stupid

Hi, gettingeasier,

I shall try and help with the "divorce advice" as much as I can as I am probably the newest dumpling to go through the process plus sad to say, I have incurred quite a big solicitor's bill (so I am happy to share if it is relevant)!

By the way, everybody, I am still feeling good and positive - been out for dinner 3 times this week already and it's only Thursday!

Hugs to all.

Waves to all.....

Queencat, good to see you back posting & hope you found your apt yesterday beneficial. I said this in my earlier post to you that I can understand how you use the cutting in the same way that others have a cig or glass of wine. I hope the mental team will be able to help you find other ways of coping atm. I agree that it can seem v unfair when the men are able to jet off etc & we're left with the dc's but I guess you just have to look at the positives in that too. You are being a good mum & you haven't abandoned them . Keep posting & remember this too shall pass, feelings don't last, they always pass.

Minm, I just love, love, love your attitude & I loved the story about your mother, it's v inspiring. To me the answer lies in this "but I know that I spent seventeen years the backbone of the relationship -loving, caring, forgiving and putting up with all sorts of rubbish unconditionally - but it made no difference." Change the number of years & I was the same. I thought I was supporting xh but I now realise I was just letting him away too much with bad behaviour. Lesson learnt!!

Midnight, keep posting so that you can get support for yourself. Sounds like a really crap time for you atm. You have already come through so much so just hang in there & you will come out the other side of this too .

Tea, glad you got a new comforter for ds. Starting the new year as a divorcee sounds great .

Patience, actualy 2010 has really helped me to finally let go of xh & move on . Hope all is going well for you.

WQ, glad you can see through h's behaviour. Enjoy the date

Mumfun, I agree so much with what you posted. I equally cut a lot of people out of my life & my life is better for it. I have less tolerance for negative people now or people who take from my serenity. I think it's much better to be alone then to have unsupportive or negative people in your life. Also clearing out people like that from your life clears the way for new people to enter it. The road less travelled can be a lonely one at times but v v rewarding.

Getting, so glad you've finally got it agreed

City, sadly I too am incurring huge legal fees . Your social life sounds fab, way to go

Hi all,

Today I am feeling somewhat sad - went to the supermarket and finding it the most isolating place at the moment. Especially now that all the Christmas cheer is gaining momentum. I love Christmas and would usually shop for presents, food, having friends over and all the cheer. Felt a bit teary, however, came home and called my sister who is the most boyant and positive person in the world. She had some great news that there are already two jobs waiting for me when I arrive, if I want them. She also said that I am invited to lots of social events which makes me feel really humble. These invites come from people who have never met me but know my sister. After years and years of staying at home with the children while my DH partied and socialised, I am so looking forward to having a social life myself and being a part of a community. Looks like Christmas will be fun afterall.

StartingOver - thank you so much for the lovely words. I was born with one of those annoying positive attitutes which has always made me see the best in people, but as a result, have been too trusting. This has cause me to have some very hard knocks in my life. Experience has taught me that though, that I do end up at the bottom of the pit but always climb back out. I refuse to be bitter. No man is worth lines on your face..

Take care all.

DH coming this evening to talk property settlement. Somewhat apprehensive but it must be done. Wish me luck.

Minminlight

Good luck and stay strong - do not weaken, do not give in and just take notes - do not agree anything straightaway (my lawyer's advice which has been invaluable). You need time to take it all in before you make any decisions. And if you can, try and stay detached and unemotional during the discussions.

Minm, I equally refuse to become bitter, I've seen too many women do this & it's a dreadful waste. I tend to have a positive attitude too, see the best in people & can be too trusting . Saying that to be honest I like those traits & don't want mt experiences to rob me of them. However I intend to put myself first in future relationships & not accept twuntish behaviour. Good luck for tonight.

Hope everyone has had a good day. Citydoll you sound like you are doing really well.

LC - hope you are ok, let us know how things are going for you.

I am still feeling flat, still hearing so many rumours at work about OW and DH, finding it so hard again, just wonder if I will ever get to a good place again.

Hi Ladies. Tonight I realised that he has actually done me a favour! Why didn't I see it before?

Had he stayed I would not have a job, I would not be in college, I would not have made loads of new friends, I would not have applied for voluntary work and I would not have a new career to look forward to! Ha ha, I am free of the domestic goddess 1950's housewife that I had become!

Ok, so I know there will be low times, but for now, I'm on the up!