All New Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 9

[WarriorQueen]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

If you do get back together SOV boundaries are all you need ,you have grown so much so up to him to step up to the plate ,keep time for you but easy to see if he is making an effort .Mine lasted approx 10 days LOL but dont let that put you off !I also learned alot from him in those few days enough to know he didnt want to change was a total misogynist and didnt like empowered Patience LOL hence younger dafter model .

No Citydoll I cannot remember your full story but different people know whether they could live with the affair and repair the marriage or whether they'd never be able to move on and a lot depends on how the betrayal happened, how long, what lies they told, how you were treated, what happened when it came out, were you happy in the marriage before etc etc etc So many variables. So please do not feel guilty. I read Shirley Glass's book and that helped me to decide ultimately what to do.

Suicide, strange question; Catholics frown on suicide big time. It's a tricky area, look at Wiki? For an overall view maybe? I hope you're not feeling suicidal, if you are please call the Smaritans and talk to someone and us here x

After my serenity last night - I am fuming, Tonight - he asks me to have the cat (even though he knows I am in rented house) as "The cat's really struggling with all this, he's all over the place and moping round"

OMG - this from a man who has not asked me ONCE how the kids are coping.

When I pulled him on it, he said, well "they always seem happy when they are with me" YEAH for about one day a week doing nice things like XBox and Cinema...not homework and bedtimes!

Then he asked me to move back into the family home and he would pay the mortgage but not any child maintainance- (My name is not on the mortgage but we have always lived in it together)

I said I would think about it - but my name would have to be on the mortgage so that I would still keep my stake in it when the girls are 18 ....Then , I'm accused of being a greedy cow, and he KNEW I would be like this!

I did point out to him that I moved out - after he said he didn't love me (to give him space to think)Since then I have not asked for any money off him for ANYTHING. I found the deposit, have bought new coats / furniture to furnish our childrens home!

So I pay EVERYTHING for the children, pay the upkeep of the house - then he walks about with the investment? I'm not being unreasonable am I? I treated our realationship like a marriage.

I think in his mind, it easier to put me in the role of bad guy - but as soon as I put my thoughts across I'm a scheming angry woman.

My 'calm' has left the building

Patience I'm not surprised you feel like you do after reading your post at 18.27. He sounds like a train crash waiting to happen and his OW sounds like one big disaster, no wonder you're not comfortable about contact.

My stipulation to H as someone who now appears stable, is OW cannot meet them until it's majorly serious, actual wedding discussions in the pipeline. As I'm being very strict there and luckily he's adhering to it so far but I know I'm lucky there and my situation is no where near as dire as yours. Words fail me actually. I'm so sorry Patience you're a wonderful mum and an amazing person, this is so hard, sending you huge ((hugs))

City doll ,do you know something the reason i am not with my X is because he didnt respect me ,end of ,i could still be with him ,all i need to do is tell him his lifestyle is fine ,well its not is it why would i put up with that fucking life for the next forty years if he wants to try and stick it in a 20 yo it is to be pitied ,he has thrown his 2 kids away he sees them once a fortnight if he is lucky ,just remember suicide is a permanent solution to a passing phase ,we are having a weekend in feb and you will be there and i will be there and we will have fun !!!All about us now ,fuck em they didnt make the grade our kids will cope because we are strong women ,we are a higher developed breed now than others and we can choose our own direction in life !!!!Stand proud City we wont settle for the dregs they conned us and now we have told them to fuck off ,i bet none of our men expected divorce proceedings and strength in adversity ,its a right good kick in the balls ......oh thats just given me another idea !!!

YANBU Kate, get some serious advice from a solicitor and make sure you get the child maintenance you need. No wonder you're fuming. He's selfish and self centred as the cat comment shows and you can't just live in a house when your name isn't on it. He could sell it out from under you because he felt like it, or claim he could come in anytime he felt like it, as it was his, worse case scenario. Find out where you stand legally and do not agree to anything until you do

"The cat's really struggling with all this, he's all over the place and moping round"

ROFL at this Kate mine used to ask for the cat regularly when he was on a bender didnt ask for me or the kids just the cat,

Have you had legal advice Kate ,dont take amicable seriously they will turn u into the mad ex wife v quickly indeed as soon as money is involved especially if they have OW to talk to about it LOL poor cows !!!Mine can justify everything he does because i caused it all
OK i am making this a serenity free zone tonite rant away as much as you like everyone !!!!!

Thanks Tea - that's what I thought.

This is the first time he's mentioned me moving back in - oddly enough the day after he admits his feelings about his work mate to me.

I think they have spoken at work about it - and decided that was a good offer for me. I know she has a house and no kids.

If he would just tell me the full story of whats going on - I could move forward but its stuff coming out in dribs and drabs that drives me batty!

I'm going to see a solicitor for 1st meeting on Monday afternoon.

Honestly, just because I was trying to be calm and accepting about our split. I seemed to have turned into some sort of doormat.

This is so hard - real ups and downs. After a day of feeling really unstressed...levels are high again!

I can't help thinking he's lying to you and he's been involved with her far longer if they're already discussing living together but no matter what he thinks is fair, it's tough titties Let him talk to your solicitor not you about it all, stay detached and just say "I think that's something for the solcitors to agree" or similar and leave it there imo.

Can i also say re DV if he ever raises his hand to me or threatens me again i will call the police and do him good and proper !!!

The drip drip drip of information is very hard, I found everytime I thought I'd heard it all, a further skeleton would come out of the closet. Sometimes I think they do not tell us everything, as they want an easy life and not to be shouted at or similar, or to make themselves not appear so bad. But it's very hard, it took 5 months after separation to get the truth out of my H and it went far beyond what he claimed before

They are all lying scum Kate i would NEVER have believed the way this all has unfolded for me at the end of the day he could have been flirting with her for years and every other young girl that was ever in the pub just testing the water ,and little by little he would drive me mad with his dribs and drabs ,get a reaction then say no wonder i had to leave ,ur a nutter /weirdo /old ugly c**t ,[just for the record i am fit and fabulous and none of the afore mentioned] its just to justify their actions ,he dumped his wife and kids ffs but she was a psycho ,erm....no, he lied and lied and manipulated ,only time i ever flipped it, got upset was when i discovered a lie ,a big dirty fat fucking lie ,so its everyman for himself Kate when he acts like a bastard thats the real bloke now ,everything polite and sweet is all manipulation ,mine used to abuse the love i still felt for him ,he has lost that power now and he fucking hates it.

r u ok city ?

Hi everyone,
Sov I think you have been given sound advice but please tread v carefully here. I gave x a 2nd chance and wont regret it as we had 2 more kids together. He really had seemed to have turned himself around and was helpful with our son so helpful that we had more. The dope is a tricky one. He swore it had gone too. It is an easy habit to hide actually since he also gets v dry eyes and his eyes are often bloodshot anyway. I believed him eventually and thought we'd got to a v serene place in our lives 5 yrs later til I discovered the affair, then a search revealed dope, then debts I knew nothing of. So I think with my x trust was and always will be an issue. If you feel you can trust your x and he is capable of turning things around then weigh it all up but proceed with caution. You sound like you are doing a fab job with 4 v young kids.
Kate How infuriating it is funny how things curdle when you get down to the practicalities. Tea is right see a solicitor and get what you are entitled to I have also been called a money grabber and we haven't even discussed what we will do with the finances. My x lives in la la land and I am the one who will sort out the roof over our heads and make ends meet.
We need to discuss this soon but I anticipate tantrums when he realises that I intend to move house. I still can't bring myself to notify the tax credit people yet. all this stuff gives me angst. Anyway try and stay calm Kate it will sort out just stand your ground.

can i just add my X said to me yesterday ,"i have already paid for the kids for a whole year !"
LOL!!oh dear he doesnt seem to know how this works ,my kids are 4 and 5 yo.
He really needs to see a sol eh ?
I dont think he considers child maintenance his responsibility ,just a wanker .

God, I'm such a wuss - just spoke to him on the phone, and asking him to be honest with me...after a while he told me that he has told her how he feels (madly in love) but she isn't comfortable because they work together, so she wants to wait to see what happens.

Hmm was it cos of work - or was it till I very convieniently took myself out of the way (to give him space to think...before I knew about her)

He is now talking about giving up the job he loves...because a) she may change her mind and will be with him if they don't work together or b) so he doesn't have to see her every day when he loves her so much.

I told him that I don't care what he tells me about them (and I don't oddly enough) but what he's up to and who he's with does inpact on any decision I make about my future for me and our girls.

Got the old line of - "It's nothing to do with her - I hadn't loved you for a long time before I even met her." YEAH, but he don't mind me looking after the kids, doing the cooking, cleaning and having sex with him while he made his mind up!

Anyway, I'm a wuss because I was sympathetic to his pain, and I didn't want him to be in such a mess.

Although, that said - I think his tears and upset was because I said quite calmly - if you don't tell me...I'll come down to the office tomorrow and find out from the lady herself.

Even reading this back - I'm thinking Kate - you daft cow...see whats going on!

I loved notifying tax credits as my payments went up quite a bit which was a huge help with his useless financial support.

Citydoll- I hope you are ok, I dont like the thought that you may be thinking about suicide. Please take Patience view that suicide is so final and permanent, this difficult time will pass. I have felt exactly the same way you do and believe me I have probably come close to being that selfish, (I recently had to cut a man who had hung himself from a tree and I thought how peaceful he looked) but I am still here and still living day to day and hoping that eventually I will get through this shit time in my life. Please take it one day at a time, and I am still struggling daily and think bedtime and then a new day!

LC - lovely to see that you are back in full swing and back to your wonderful self.

Patience - sorry your arse of an X is being a shit!

Tea, Patience and Getting, you are all such a great asset to the dumplings.

Welcome to all you new dumplings, the lovely ladies on here are a great support.

I have been following the thread but have not been in a good place to comment. Found out DH has lied further, I suppose I shouldnt be surprised but had hoped he would be truthful now, but his excuse is that he doesnt want to hurt me any further!!! Its so true that they are such lying bast**ds. Dont think I will ever trust another man.

Kate you're not a wuss! I often rang my H and wanted him to be honest with me in the early days. It's a very painful time. However I am totally shocked at his thoughtless comment: "It's nothing to do with her - I hadn't loved you for a long time before I even met her"

Whatever the real truth is, that comment by him is cruel. He sounds confused to be honest and struggling emotionally. However it's not your problem. It's hard though learning how to detach, even I still struggle at times with my H.

Hi everyone - really tired tonight after such a crap week last week but read all posts so far (I think).
Kate you are not a "wuss" you were just responding to pain in someone you loved dearly and you are obviously a lovely kind person - which your exh is not. I completely understand you sympathising with him - I did the same with exbf over phone on sat, when he cried and said he was getting old and didn't want to be on his own, even though he didn't love me anymore. However, don't act on your kind nature. I'm glad you are goin to the solicitors - Tea is right - you need to make all of this legal now and set the wheels in motion. He is trying to manipulate you, he is also trying to make himself feel better and covering his tracks at the same time. How DARE he calmly tell you about his love for another woman! What are you, still his emotional crutch after he's left you and the kids and doesn't give you anything to support you/them on? You need to get to the solicitors and they will advise you and start to draft details for financial solutions and access for him. I remember going to the solicitors the first time - it was such a blessed relief and soon things were set in motion and the process was quite quick. Stay strong - you are doing unbelievably well. And as for the cat mooching about - he just wants rid of it and is giving you some shit sob story! Ignore it my love. I'm so angry for you. Wish I could go to his bloody office. "Emotional affair". These blokes seem to have got hold of that term and are running with it. Makes it sound less terrible than a shag.
City please get back on here and tell us you are ok. It matters little whether you go to heaven if you take your own life. You don't want to go to heaven or hell yet - you are alive and this is a bad patch and you will get better and look back on this as if it was a bad dream. That's what I tell myself. This time next year will I feel this bad? No. Destiny and life is in my hands. It is what I make it. And don't beat yourself up about not giving exh a second chance. Most of the girls on here who gave their exes second chances (including me with my exh) soon found out they hadn't changed. What has happened has happened. He messed up. If it was meant to work out he would have come back. Please come back - you are loved on here.
Patience your strength, spunk and wise words continue to inspire me to be strong.
Sov whatever you decide we will all support you on here. Thing is, you are now in the position of power and strength and can call the shots. I gave my exh a second chance and I'm glad I did. If it had worked out, that would have been great. When he left the second time, I consoled myself with knowking that I had done everything in my power to make it work. Just remember, you are a strong dumpling and now hold all the cards.
Tea and Getting - I agree with romney - you are top ladies as always on the advice front. And Maybee - as soon as I told the tax credit people exh had left my payments went from nothing to paying 80% of my chldcare - just do it! (and I love your wise posts too)
Romney lovely to hear from you again. So sorry that you are still finding out shit. What is it with the ladder of lies eh? In the past two weeks I have found out so much shit about "lovely, kind, caring, new age" exbf that it's almost turned the heartchae into a ridiculous soap opera situation. The good thing is that for a complete softie (bordering on the naive/doormat variety) I suddenly reached a tipping point yesterday and thought "No more". Hope this happens to you.
Believe - in answer to your question last night, he lived in the house for 2 weeks then left. Then I lived in it for 5 months til it sold. Moved to a much smaller house which is weirdly much more like home - full of my things, all to my taste and full of love.
Hi to everyone else. Hope all is ok :)
City - where are you love? We are here...

Hello Googoo my lovely lady, good to hear from you. Think I'm off to bed here in a sec. But will be on tomorrow morning so I can keep up with the speed the thread is moving.

Patience - Missed your comment about dv at 19:14 earlier due to the speed it was all moving but damn right lady!

Hope you're ok City x

Kate: I have just come back from session with therapist where we spoke about detachment, anger etc as I too have been struggling with getting my head round what I do with all my questions, my anger, my need for honesty from him and the full picture etc.

I think the reality is that the only partners who get the full truth are the ones who have a partner who is truly remorseful for what they have done and, upon realising that they have made a huge mistake (by leaving, an affair or whatever action they have taken) are prepared to do anything on earth to get the trust back into their relationship or marriage.

With those who don't I think that once the first lie is told, the story takes on a life of its own and therein follows more and more and more until they barely notice or care anymore. With most of them they didn't care enough about their partner whilst married or living together not to ruin their marriage so they certainly don't care about telling the truth or being decent once the relationship is over

I think in my case I know I have to give up asking and I can do this by knowing and reminding myself that I will not get a truthful response so asking is pointless.

Another thing is that it keeps them in power. No action, no attention and not seeming to care is ultimately more powerful once you are not dancing to their tune anymore.I have been doing a great line in angry texts recently thinking it was making me feel better but actually , whatever he has done to me - I'm the one that looks unhinged - Need to imagine him jokingly showing one of them to his OW whilst they are snuggled on the sofa to stop any more of those

Thirdly - Every second you are wondering what he is up to is a second taken away from thinking about you and the DCs. When I think about how much time I have spent changing DS's nappy thinking angry thought about H or obsessing what he's up to instead of looking into my baby's eyes instead of connecting with him, singing etc I realise how much I have been doing it. and that's enough to want to stop!!

Ok there is probably a clever way of doing this - is there any way of seeing everyone's original posts ? Feel like it would be good to know the 'old skool' dumplings' stories at some point !

Googoo - I was thinking of you, pleased you have posted tonight. You sound so strong, you are already becoming a great support to us weaker dumplings, thank you.

I am in a place where it is very easy for me to end it all, to be honest. My will is up to date, all my financial affairs are in order and DS is well taken care of and he is an adult now anyway, so yes, death is a pretty good option at the moment. Then I will no longer be a burden on anyone and I do not have to live through this nightmare day after day.

And although people say,that you will not be alone, in the real world, we are. I have been crying for the past few hours and every friend I have tried to contact is not there - either away or with their DH's doing Christmas things and DS has a life of his own and does not really want to know.

Probably the hardest thing for me would have been to call the police b4 ,now i just dont give a flying fuck ,it is a train crash but i jumped off the train ,i will never be with anyone that hurts me again ,I had loads of warnings and made all the excuses but he had a chance to sort himself out and he chose his "new life" instead of his family ,the guilt will haunt him til the day he dies .